Krypton

A sunset starset on Krypton

Krypton is a planet located in a dead-end corner of Intergalactic Drive just past the Taco Bell. It is the breeding ground of an intelligent life form known as the Kryptonians. The planet Krypton contains no kryptonite (metal), making it puzzling as to why it's called so. It is a mystery that someone one day might take up as a high school history project.

The planet revolves around the mighty star Gama Delta Pi Alpha, which generously provides Krypton with lighting, heat and atomic nourishment via photosynthesis, and it does all this for free without complaining. The planet has a double inverted atypical elliptical orbit around a quadruple system, making its trajectory impossible to predict. This means no ship can land on the planet without hyper-technology, or the kind of luck that the U.S.S. Enterprise seems to have in every episode of Star Trek.

The local inhabitants live harmoniously with nature and are welcoming to visitors both peaceful and hostile. Their evolution came out of a system not understood, although it involves none of the survival-of-the-fittest competition for limited resources as we know it. This results in extremely pleasant and happy people. The Kryptonians have been insulted and feared for years by humans as they are always afraid of people who are nice all the time. Earth is always finding new and creative means to sabotage Krypton and hopefully one day destroy it.

Geography

Map of Krypton

The surface of the planet is mind-boggingly giganormous. It is so big that one of its moons is the size of Jupiter. Krytonians can travel for years without encountering a fellow Krypt. When they cross paths for the first time, each will insist that the other one pass by first. This process can last ad vitam aeternam (until one dies of thirst) – so strong are their instincts of good manners that they would rather wither away than not defer to a stranger. This is the main cause of premature death among Kryptonians along with over-sleeping and infected hemorrhoid discharge.

Water covers half of Krypton's surface making it a surfer's dream planet and a living nightmare for aquaphobes. Kryptonians haven't mapped out their entire planet per its immense size and their general laziness. While Kryptonians are an inquisitive people, they have little interest in documenting and categorizing every single Kryptonian species or in producing a comprehensive map of their world. Google Krypton cars have been seen driving around a few streets recording images and capturing passwords, but no one is quite sure who paid for it or why Google wants this data. Kryptonians have no interweb and instead prefer social contact. If a Kryptonian wants to say something nice about a friend, they will go visit them and say so. Kryptonians lose their mental functions for some time in a mountain of confusion when they hear that humans do the same by clicking on a single-syllable word on Facebook to save personal leisure time and avoid that sort of awkwardness humans feel when they compliment one another.

Composition

The atmosphere is composed of 20% plutonium (Kryptonians' oxygen equivalent), 70% chlorine and 10% methane. The high levels of methane can be explained by a high consumption of pulses and broccoli and the resulting consequences. The Kryptonians are also genetically predisposed to acid reflux, which is considered a good thing over there and gives them a pleasant sensation if they ingest healthful daily portions of chick peas and brown beans.

Physics

A simplified diagram of Krypton's physical equation. Questions?

Krypton has a lateral axis wobble that makes one full spin every three minutes, giving it the appearance of a whirligig. It goes without saying that Kryptonians have a hard time keeping their balance, but an advantage is that Kryptonians find everything funny – falling over is common and forever amusing.

Such unstable movement also creates time-recording problems. The Kryptonian year is divided into 13.5 months of which on every 13.5 years they have to add 13.5 days to make up for the wobble and concentrated methane in the air. Every 13.5 centuries (a kryptonian century is 13.5 squared) they must skip 13.5 years in order to balance out the calendar. Kryptonians always carry a mechanical gizmo that helps them keep track of it all, as only the most intelligent of Kryptonians know what time or day it is.

It is estimated that in 13.5 years there will be a polar shift turning the 13.5 base figure to a much higher 13.6 which would cause total pandemonium on the planet if Kryptonians were afraid of change or experienced anxiety. Kryptonians are yet to discover the clock and thus have no hourly divisions and therefore rarely make any plans. This results in a fairly laid back culture where anything that must be done gets done at some point, and decisiveness is taboo. When Kryptonians say yes to fellow Kryptonians it should be considered as a likely no, only Kryptonians with severe mental problems say no to anyone for any reason. Such retarded Kryptonians are treated with kryptonanity's kindness and eaten by fellow Kryptonians when they reach the age of 13.5 so that their physical material can be made useful to the community.

Population

A Kryptonian, rolling around and eyeballing a suspicious shooting star:
"Another botched human-made space shuttle which catches fire? Will those guys ever learn?"

Physiology of Kryptonites

Rather than bipedal, the Kryptonions are a non-pedal species. They are the only known life-form without a leg to stand on. Instead, nature has provided Kryptonians with a rotating appendage fixed with an organic axle and a mental/physical steering device. In laymen's terms, they are a cross between a human and a segway.

Their all-terrain appendages are about twenty centimeters wide and are made of soft cartilage, cross-wired ligaments and extra large sinews with a rubbery texture. They can inflate or deflate the appendage depending on the terrain. Kryptonians always travel in pairs. If one of their appendages went flat, their companion would blow air into it to create the pressure/buoyancy that they need to move.

However, over-inflated appendages will burst, which triggers their internal defense system stopping the flow of fluids, preventing the acid from their guts from splattering on the sensitive axles. The body then works to repair the handicapped Kryptonian, but needs much time and rehabilitation, much like a human recovering from a shotgun blast. They can also speed up the recovery by carrying a spare ligament and superglue as a temporary solution before the natural recovery occurs. Most Kryptonians forget their spare ligament or in fact forget to buy one. If two Kryptonians get a flat tire then they will likely die a slow and happy death.

Kryptonians are afraid of glass and become ferocious when a delinquent youth drops glass shards (by accident or on purpose). They can become rabid if they find tacks and nails on the ground. This situation is thankfully extremely rare since the inhabitants care about each other.

Psychology and intelligence

Kryptonians possess an intelligence that is pretty similar to human beings, minus the instinct to destroy and murder one another. This translates into a very stable and pleasant society, where nobody competes for the most beautiful rims on their organic wheels.

This also means that the concept of a "weapon" is something the Kryptonians don't understand at all, since they are herbivorous and as there is no natural metal on Krypton from which to fashion guns.

Five senses in five dimensions

Humans experience only four of the infinite number of dimensions that exist: space, time, day and night. While Kryptonians essentially exist in four dimensions, their senses are tuned to make sense of five. This means that Kryptonians can see and hear everything within their sight and hearing range. It means they can see through walls and see the bowel movements of their fellow beings. Kryptonians are aware of their companions' ability to see deep inside of their body and soul, thus they learn at a young age not to be ashamed of their nakedness and therefore wear no clothes.

When the rare human has ended up on Krypton, Kryptonians quietly observed the creatures covering their skin and shielding their emotional vulnerability. Kryptonians would cry deep inside for the constant emotional pain humans felt but they are not capable of negative emotions and therefore inject daily massive doses of strong narcotics into human visitors so that their interactions with each other go more smoothly.

Culture

Arts and music are inherent parts of every Kryptonian's everyday life every day. Songs develop out of collective phenomena where no one person is responsible for any particular work. The kryptonian equivalent of "males" provide structure and rhythm to every song and "females" add harmony, ornamentation, color and style. The idea of gathering to see the efforts of just one Kryptonian is, to them, incomprehensible – they have neither soloists nor pop stars. Justin Bieber's music, however, is particularly interesting to Kryptonians as he is perceived as both male and female and can thus create and sing both the rhythm and content of the music at the same time. This would really blow their minds but his music also creates a kind of grinding pain in their brains.

Belief system

Kryptonians are not the one producing the crop circles - the Zorgonites do. This particular pattern means "Please close your rooftops windows at night, we see you in your mating process. Thanks!"

Kryptonians are incapable of understanding the concept of a "personal belief". Their thought structure does not allow for shades of gray, murky explanations or a string of "maybes". Their cognitive process is one of: yes, no or insufficient information. In fact, they are not ashamed of their ignorance and they find it very puzzling to meet creatures who have "faith" in something non-verifiable.

While the Kryptonians are tolerant and open-minded, they generally tend to be slightly troubled by creatures who don't stop talking about things that don't exist and are disturbed by people who talk about their "personal beliefs" without pointing out that they are neurotic morons beforehand. When creatures talk about dragons or Harry Potter or Jesus, they usually smile and nod and speculate on what they might do the next day.

Humans love to blame Kryptonians for making crop circles; however, they are actually made by the Zorgonites from the Norf–Zogzog Galaxy. Even the Zorgonites have no idea why they make crop circles, yet they tirelessly continue to carve intricate designs on Earth at night. The Xorxons of the Gaz-Gaz Galaxy suggest that the crop circle theatrics is nothing more than an attention-whoring maneuver. Kryptonians tend to agree.

Entertainment

Kryptonians catch radio and digital signals from all other planets thanks to the powerful receptors in their brains. They are avid inter-galactic anthropologists. In particular, they admire broadcasts of Taurusian ballet, Argonian skittle boat races, the Inter-galactic Council debates, Primus's four-dimensional philosophical problem-solving and Earth's Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.

Young and groovy Kryptonian hipsters are particularly fond of the song "Rolling" by Limp Bizkit. Latin American dance music causes considerable pain in the neo-cortex of all Kryptonians, as do Hungarian accordion ballads and anything by Slim Whitman. The incessant drooling 4/4 beats, the predictable chord structure and general screeching noises remind Kryptonians of the sounds of their birthing process. The birth of a Kryptonian is quick put painful, involving severe pressure, rapid contractions, cyclical screaming and pulsating uterus muscles. The whole process is considered agonizingly awful for both the mother and newborn babies who make it through, and Kryptonians will do anything to avoid music that reminds them of this trauma. Hard gangster rap will temporarily disable their mental functions, if played loud enough.

Krypton in the future

Krypton is likely to remain untouched by the decadent forces that plague the Earth (war, famine, Lady Gaga, etc.) and to pass through generations of new souls who never change or look past their village boundaries. They will eventually discover the telephone and the tuna slicer and likely forget about it a day or two later. It is unlikely that Kryptonians will ever travel off their planet as they would do so only if their body could do it naturally – but give them another billion years or so.

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