Planet Google
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“That’s no moon!”
“It is illegal to not use Chrome.”
Planet Google or Google World is the new name of Mars, since it was taken over by Google, inc. on the 10th of March 2006. It was sold by the previous Martian owners for the entire US Economy (17 cents as part of a bid which saw ITV lose out on their bet on 4 pence).
On the date in question, the planet Mars disappeared from the solar system, at the same time as Google announced its plans to repaint and rebrand the planet, and bring Google's patented simple efficiency to a once dull and boring place that practically nobody wanted to go to. Days later, Planet Google was launched, though not without some controversy. It is meant to be a googol times more normal than Mars.
About Planet Google[edit | edit source]
In a press statement
“Yes, Planet Google is another planet. But it’s different in lots of ways, starting with a philosophy: that planets can be made simpler, more efficient and more fun. When transforming Mars into Planet Google, we looked at the frustrations people were having with Earth, and worked to eliminate those from Planet Google. The result is something faster, cleaner, and more intuitive. For example, Planet Google automatically groups friends and relatives’ gHouses into a neighborhood, so you never have far to travel to meet people you know.”
Not in a press statement, but
“I personally think it would have benefited more from a more original name, such as Saturn.”
Steve Ballmer was unavailable for comment.
Nobody knows exactly what Planet Google will be like, however the best guess can be seen in the artist's impression above. Google is likely to generate gigantic gas clouds in the colors of their logo, but how this will affect life on the planet remains to be seen. Perhaps living under the multicolor sky will be like being under the influence of some sort of drug, a convenient distraction from the influence of the nanobots.
It is possible that Planet Google will be built using a modified version of the Google Earth software.
The real estate tycoon Donald Trump has already announced his decision to build a hotel/Casino on Planet Google.
gHouses[edit | edit source]
Along with Planet Google, they have also introduced gHouses, a revolutionary way of living. gHouses are completely free, and come with 2859 acres of land (and counting), so you never have to throw anything away. It's not so simple to get a gHouse however; each person with a gHouse has a certain number of invites they can send to friends, and getting an invite is the only way you can join. This ensures that the entire planet will be populated by a single uber-clique, so Planet Googlers will never have to put up with annoying losers again. If losers happen to scrounge an invite from someone, gHouses' built-in loser filter will automatically sort their house into slums far away from cool inhabitants.
So far, Oscar Wilde is the only person known to have a gHouse. It isn't known if he has sent out any invites yet, or indeed if he is ever going to send any out. It is also rumoured that you may Ask Cthulhu for an invite.
Government[edit | edit source]
On Planet Google, Google will reign supreme as the sole government, and all citizens will require a compulsory injection of nanobots. This will allow Google to collect a mammoth amount of valuable consumer information, giving their government a hefty surplus. Hence, living on Planet Google will be completely tax-free!
Google will also use these nanobots to deliver targeted advertising directly into people's heads. Google dismissed privacy concerns: "This can only be a good thing, now you'll know exactly what you want to buy before you even know you want it!" Many men have expressed concern over the typical advertising[1] which will likely appear every time they go to the toilet. Google is expected to make the vast majority of its advertising revenue from adults.
Another way Google could use these nanobots is to make evil clones of people on planet google and send them to Earth to wipe us all out. Again, Google denies this saying: "You can make money without being evil."
Search[edit | edit source]
Planet Google Search™ is another drawcard of life on Planet Google. Have you ever lost your remote controls? How about your dog or your sanity or your will to live? Now with Planet Google Search™, these predicaments will supposedly be a thing of the past. According to Google, you will be able to search and find what you are looking for almost instantly. However, Uncyclopedia suspects that people will be bombarded with advertisements as usual whenever they make a search. According to Google's We Know Better Than Anyone calculations, an average individual searching for their dog is statistically most likely to be desperate to purchase twelve bags of dog biscuits and move to Brazil.
Initiating a Planet Google Search™ will be as easy as confessing to the nanobots that you have lost something. In fact, no confession is needed at all, as the nanobots are smart enough to know whatever you are thinking and will be thinking due to Google's advanced programming. Once they have stopped sparking with gIggles, they will send the results to your gToaster in your preferred format; printed on either gPoptarts or gCrumpets.
Controversy[edit | edit source]
Uncyclopedians the world over were outraged at Google's latest venture, because it appears that Uncyclopedia's Mars base, once a major hub of activity for Martian Uncyclopedians, has been removed from the surface of mars.
This is just the latest in Google's campaign of Censorship of Uncyclopedia. Google made no official comment, but one anonymous Google employee was quoted as saying, "We're going to Fucking Kill™ Uncyclopedia! This is the sixth time we are going to do so and we are becoming exceedingly efficient at it."
More controversy[edit | edit source]
Google recently went to the Solar system's Court of Justice over the scandal of deleting the Uncyclopedia main page from its popular search engine. Google's attorney: "I just wanna listen to Good Charlotte right now and get out of this courtroom."
Yet even more controversy[edit | edit source]
Some people apparently died who worked at Planet Google in 2007 after a suspicious mass discorporation which included Martians. Google researched the situation and their homepage included a new logo – a geoglyph with graffiti under it reading "Ryan wuz ere!" – and a donation (Ha!) message reading "Give us your money so we can send it aboard Beagle 2. Wait, has that one already happened? The blur one? What one am I thinking of? The what? ..." continuing into a conversation on what the Mars probe is named. Major news outbroke and Google replaced all its internet pages with sites which give them the money. The biggest controversy arose when they kept the money for themselves and claimed everyone who complained should "be sent to bed listening to Western-European Justin Bieber parodies and eating seven Peperami Firesticks", seeing whether this would flare their behaviour in the opposite direction.
See also[edit | edit source]
External links[edit | edit source]
Quasi-Featured Article (1 June 2007)
| Planets |
|---|
| Confirmed (Solar System): Sun | Mercury | Venus | Earth (The Moon) | Mars | Jupiter | Saturn (Moons) | Uranus | Neptune |
| Confirmed (Extrasolar): Arrakis | Darwin IV | Discworld | Krypton | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Skaylia | Destopius | Techneta | Roseanne |
| Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax |
| Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron |
| Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | Melmac | YourAnus | Planet Acne | Flat Earth |
| In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star |
| Members of the Federation: Vulcan (Ni’Var) | Kronos (Qo’noS) |
| Invisible Planets: |
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