Worst 100 Nutty Conspiracy Theories of All Time
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 | This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory Uncyclopedia vehemently denies all knowledge and existence of this page, although that doesn't change the fact that the black helicopters are on their way. |
They're out there. They're mean. They're called the CIA Cyber Warfare Unit and the Army Psychological Operations Units – they do a little more than make turbines smoke and protect "national security". And they're out to get you. They want to invade your brain, eat up your neurons and scramble all your attempts at rational thinking into a mumbo jumbo heap of garbage. That's their intent: propaganda and confusion, 21st-century Hitler SS style.
The Nutty Conspiracy Theories. Here are the 100 worst of them, written by a yet-unnamed Army PsyOps unit to make you feel like a complete idiot for being rational. Indulge yourself in government technical school reverse psychology at its finest.
100–91[edit | edit source]
100.
Illuminati
- The world is going to be taken over by a bunch of Steve Jacksons board games playing nerds who couldn't even intimidate their own little sisters if they tried.
99.
The Protocol of All Kinds of Sion
- There are secret agendas ruling the world politics. Influential financial groups are putting pressure on even the mightiest Presidents of the World to secure things such as making the promised land of Kaanan reserved for the sons of Moses and the neighbouring countries under the supervision of the Seven Sisters. As if world leaders could be made to act like mindless puppies?
98.
The Matrix
- The machines have taken over the world and people have been reduced to inanimate blobs jacked up to computers who runs their lives completely. People get their self‑image boosted by digital interaction so that they finally lose all self perspecitve about who they really are. Come on – where could you find such people?
97.
The Patriarchacy
- This theory states that all men in the world constitutes a conspiracy against all women, while the more truthful statement is that all men conspire against all other men in order to get as many women as possible. Penis all the way.
96.
Capricorn One theme
- So man on the moon was just a hoax? Why shouldn't the United States President have balls enough to waste trillions of dollars on teasing the communist Russians instead of giving proper housing and safe schools to his own citizens?
- Besides, If you think landing on the moon is possible, why don't YOOOOOU try it?
95.
Chemitrails
- The government has a secret plan to make us all impotent and docile by spraying us with poisonous chemicals from aeroplanes from high altitudes. As if the ordinary industrial pollution and TV soap operas wouldn't do that job good enough.
94.
Hell
- Hell is a lie perpetrated by "the church" to control the masses. Naturally the person who thought this up is now Satan's bitch.
93.
Ice
- ICE?! There's never been any ice! Ice is just a myth!
92.
The Man
- "The Man" – somewhere, somehow – is keeping you down. Is it the result of some sort of push-down machine? Maybe a suction device or mutant power. No, it was gravity all along. Gravity is what's keeping you down and you better be thankful for that. Outer space is full of robots, mean robots.
91.
Mirrors
- Mirrors don't reflect, they're actually portals to a parallel universe containing people's evil twins. When you're not looking your evil twin will jump out of the mirror, kill you and take your place.
90–81[edit | edit source]
90.
Russian Reversal
- In most places the conspiracy manipulates you. In Soviet Union conspiracy still manipulates you. That's why it's a conspiracy.
89.
Washed up Stars Internet Meme Conspiracy
- Jeff Goldblum keeps surveillance over people at the moment of defecation, waiting for just the right moment to signal Patrick Duffy. Duffy's eyebeams will knock to target over. Prone and pantless the target is vulnerable to having his balls eaten by Mr. T. Why is Mr.T eating balls? Only Mahir and the Dancing Baby know for sure.
88.
Science
- Science is all one big conspiracy formulated by Satanist-athiest Charles Darwin to destroy Christianity. Scientists don't actually do research in their labs, they just worship Satan, eat babies, invent new lies and sodomize eachother all day.
86.
Entry 85 is a lie!
- Because it is, as you can plainly see for yourself.
85.
Entry 86 is the truth!
- Because it is, as you can plainly see for yourself.
84.
France
- Come on people, no one likes lobsters that much.
83.
Steve Irwin's Death
- A man fucks with crocs and snakes his entire life, and a tiny fish killed him? No, no no no no no no no. It was the parrots wot got him.
82.
Emo
- There's no such thing as emo. It's all a big gag created by Something Awful when they realized they were running out of things to hate. Using some false livejournal accounts, a digital camera and clothing from a thrift shop they created a trend that people could hate despite the fact that it doesn't really exist. Think about it. How much anti‑emo sentiment have you come across? Now how many people have you met who actually like emo? Can such a disproportionate amount of hatred for something so trivial be anything more than a practical joke? I'm going to put on some Simple Plan and cut my wrist now, then write a poem about how much I hate everything.
81.
World Trade Center 9/11 Attacks
- Muslim terrorists didn't pilot two Boeing 767s into the World Trade Center. Larry Silverstein actually piloted the Twin Towers into the path of two 767s in order to kill the Muslims on board.
80–71[edit | edit source]
80.
Freemasons
- Freemasons aren't actually free – with shipping and handling, the hookup charge, and hidden service charges they actually cost about fifty dollars each.
79.
The New Father Christmas
- There is no New Father Christmas. It is the same old geezer every year. Krinkenberry, Krinkstein, Kriegsmarine something like that. I don't remember the name right now but it sounds German. His first name is Klaus.
78.
The Earth is round.
- Come on. Anybody who believes that is obviously crazy! Right?
77.
The Hemispherical Canada Mocking Conspiracy
- Isolated cells of fanatics living in the USA are being supported by South American governments while covertly trying to make Spanish the official language of the United States. This conspiracy reaches from Dora the Explorer on down. The final goal is to make everyone speak Spanish so everyone can make fun of Canada for being the only major country in the landmass that can't speak Spanish. If there is time left Haiti (French) and Trinidad and Tobago (English) will be mocked too.
76.
Trinidad and Tobago
- Tobago suffers from dissociative identity disorder and will assume the personality of Trinidad in times of great emotional stress. This was originally developed as a mental defense reflex after suffering severe mental abuse at the hands of Venezuela. Tobago often claims to have witnessed Trinidad's action, though he will adamantly refuse that he took part in them and will claim that lost time and amnesiac blackouts are the result of low blood sugar.
75.
The BBC
- All creative people aspire to have their work broadcast on the BBC. Occasionally, just occasionally people with no talent whatsoever get the job, kudos, fame, sexy girlfriend, squillions of pounds and as much fame as they can possibly hope for. How does this affect you? You have to sit there and listen to the opinions of this Zee list epsilon-brained nobody who just got lucky ... and you thought the days of the casting couch were over.
74.
Dick Cheney
- There is no Dick Cheney. He's really an ex-Mr. Clean spokesman who got fired because he thought the earring was "girly".
73.
Hitler's Brain
- Hitler's Brain is being kept alive inside of a jar forever plotting revenge. It currently resides next to Stalin's Brain in a private collection of evil living brains. If you put them in a fish tank they will fight each other.
72.
The Mike Conspiracy
- That's right Mike, or shall I say, Michael. We're watching you. We've watched you since the day you were born, changing you to suit our needs. Remember that time when you were very sick, that was actually your body rejecting the implant. It's between the two front balls of your right foot go ahead, squeeze it. Hear that crunch? Don't worry, that implant finished its job long ago. Do you remember the first time you got into a fight? We drugged you, doped you up a little. The outcome was almost inevitable. The speeding ticket and that girl who dumped you when things seemed so good were results of our sublime coercion too. They're more closely related than you can ever imagine. The blood of children will be on your hands soon enough and you can't stop it. The only consolation we can offer is that it was never really your fault. You're just a puppet on some very long strings. By the way, you might want to stay away from salt for a while.
71.
Life after death
- Contrary to what so many world religions will have you believe, there is no life after death. You're born, you live, then you die. That's it. No matter how good you've been, or how many miracles you perform, you don't get to go up to the magical land in the sky, and you don't get reincarnated. You're just dead. Rotting away six feet under. Completely dead. No possibility for parole. Just dead. That's it.
70–61[edit | edit source]
70.
Various disguised objects
69.
Disappearing animal populations
- Scientists report that many animal populations have dropped due to pollution, man taking their land, etc.! This is what the animals want you to think! Those missing animals are actually in hidden lairs amassing weapons, collecting intelligence on their enemy (MAN), and getting combat training. When they're ready they'll counter strike.
68.
Space Shuttle Challenger
- There was a nationwide teachers strike planned for the sprint of 1983 in response to Ronald Reagan's massive cuts to public school funding. Reagan killed Christa McAuliffe to send a message to the United Federation of Teachers. After considering more subtle methods like an execution-style shooting or cement shoes Reagan decided that the best way to intimidate the teachers was to kill one of their own on live television with an exploding space shuttle.
65.
The Other Moon Landing Conspiracy
- The moon landing was filmed in a television studio by the same people who did the special effects for 2001: A Space Odyssey. In order to get the low gravity bouncing and lack of atmospheric interference to look just right, they built a special studio on the moon in order to film it.
64.
Anime
- I don't know anyone who thinks all Asians have cathedrals for houses and legs that are six feet tall.
63.
The Premier League
- The winner is picked by whoever bet the most money.
62.
Moon–Kennedy Theory
- The CIA killed JFK so they could put a camera on the Moon which is constantly watching YOU.
61.
Scout Group Theory
- All Scout Groups are controlled by Freemasons who put mini cameras in their merit badges. Their secret oaths are actually prayers to the god of scouts, Barack McCain.
60–51[edit | edit source]
60.
Poop as a food source
- Only to John Cena.
59.
Barney the Dinosaur
- Barney is a bird.
57.
Wallabies
- There are no wallabies, just midget kangaroos.
55.
Black People not being big and oily54.
The mysterious disappearance of whatever was after 16 *erp*53.
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20.
Somewhere in southwest Poland there is a secret train filled with gold buried underground19.
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Adolf Hitler escaped to Argentina in a secret floating bell16.
The lottery
- It's winnable only if you are guaranteed to waste it all on hookers and beer.
15.
Size of hands does relate to size of "other parts"
- Conspiracy created by the rest of the 1970 England world cup team due to Gordon Banks stealing their women and not wanting Peter Shilton to do the same.
14.
The theorem of a perpetual fluid motion proved through the third quadrant of the trigonometric calculus expression in the third quadrant
- I don't even know what that means ... AAAAA!
13.
Pedaling uphill is actually going downhill ... depends on how you look at it.12.
Space is not empty – it's filled with tiny demons trying to suck you into cyberspace.11.
If you drop weed from space it will burn in the atmosphere and make the whole world high.
- Though some may want to believe this, it has utterly illogical to think weed burning in the atmosphere can spread through the whole world and make everyone high. First, you would not have enough weed, and second, the weed would be completely destroyed before it even got close enough to affect humans.
10–1[edit | edit source]
10.
World War III will be between the USA and China.
- Okay, yes China has a growing population, and yes we're not on the best terms with China, but does that really mean they will declare war on us? And no, information about World War III found on the Corinthian News Network is not reliable.
9.
You can play golf with a bat and a baseball.
- No you can't. Golf requires golf clubs and golf balls, not bats and baseballs! Stupid conspiracy theorists ...
8.
Why the hell did we skip all those other numbers?6.
Toffee apple
- Toffee apples are a form of your daily fruit content. For example, if broccoli was covered in shit it would still be good for you as it is still a veggie.
4.
Democracy
- You're not going to tell me you actually thought it existed?
★3.
Guns n Roses
- Sure they exist. Just a conspiracy why anyone thinks they're good.
★2.
Water ...
- People don't need to drink, they're just addicted to the stuff. Tap water only furthers the stereotype that it's necessary. Cave men were well known for not drinking ANY liquids, and they turned out just fine.
★1.
Existence
- Nuff said.
