100 Worst Moments to get a Boner
Guys, you all understand. It's tough, especially for people like me, where it sticks out even without an erection. But hey, it's life, its almost like when women's nipples show when their shirt is too tight or wet...except, everyone wants to see that, no one wants to see your boner. It's typical, you always get it at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT, it's never when you're lying in bed, or you're alone at home or when you're trying to have sex, oh-no, it's got to be...well here's 100 examples!
- 100. While showering with your naked (male) friends in the gym locker room.
- 99. While you go out to get the mail in your robe.
“Yup, flag's up.”
- 98. When your neighbor tells you he’s gay.
- 97. When watching a nature documentary with your girlfriend. You don't want to get a boner when you see two chipmunks getting it on.
- 96. While watching the Logo channel. Especially when watching anything with RuPaul.
- 95. When "Karma Chameleon" starts playing on the radio while you're in the bathroom of a gas station/convenience store in Chemult.
- 94. When the pilot tells you that “we will be encountering some slight turbulence up ahead.
- 93. The same time someone kicks that springy door-stop thingy and makes it go "Boi-oi-oi-oinggggg."
- 92. Whenever that hideous freak from your biology class tries to talk to you.
- 91. While hugging your little sister.
- 90. While stuffed into an enclosed space... With guys.
- 89. While stuffed into an enclosed space... With your mom.
- 88. While using a chef's knife. See the Lorena Bobbit example.
- 87. While watching the fat chick from that "Precious" movie.
- 86. While quoting Oscar Wilde.
- 85. When peeing. It makes it harder to aim.
- 84. In front of an industrial size fan. Ow.
- 83. When you're letting the kids bury you in the sand at the beach.
- 82. While praying in an extremist Mosque.
- 81. While singing in an orchestra (Especially if you are singing Adeste Fideles)
- 80. When you're on America's Next Top Model.
- 78. When at a funeral.
- 77. When you see a white van drive by.
- 76. While looking at pictures of your parents as children.
- 75. While picking salami at the butcher.
- 74. While wearing sweat-pants
- 73. When you rub suntan lotion on your foot.
- 72. When leaning against a tiger cage.
- 71. Whilst visiting the gynecologist.
- 69. When meeting your wife's friend, who is a girl.
- 68. When picking your daughter up from school.
- 67. When talking to your child's teacher at a parent\teacher conference.
- 66. When you're Asian. If you get comments on how tiny it is, don't say I didn't warn you.
- 65. When watching Sesame Street. I know some people have a fetish for furries, but Elmo?
- 64. When in a marching band. It'll give new meaning to the phrase "playing the trombone."
- 63. When looking at your "On-Demand" list and seeing a Justin Bieber "Never Say Never" ad.
- 62. When you're on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. And you wonder why Kevin Eubanks laughs all the time.
- 61. When a piranha bit your leg.
- 60. When a street evangelist is talking to you about how much Jesus loves you. Blessed is he who cums in the name of the Lord!
- 59. When a religious buddy lays hands on you in prayer.
- 58. While making repeated attempts to get through the airport metal detector and the assistant has to break out the portable.
- 57. While giving the weather forecast.
- 56. When you jump on to the back of your (male) friend.
- 55. When your cousin tells you all about how she just got dumped and she's so lonely. Except in Alabama.
- 54. Anywhere within a 500 ft. radius of Richard Simmons.
- 53. While standing in front of your classroom giving your oral report on cannibalism/necrophilia.
- 52. When next to a hairy guy at the beach lotioning himself up.
- 51. Any moment during a sumo wrestling match, whether participant or spectator.
- 50. When your mom walks in on you playing air guitar in your room...naked.
- 49. When accidentally walking into a gay bar.
- 48. Whenever Family Guy makes a gay joke.
- 47. When watching a show involving naked babies.
- 46. Watching the recording of your sister-in-law giving birth.
- 45. While watching sports. At a bar.
- 44. During a proctology exam.
- 43. While looking at a painting made by Pablo Picasso, like this
- 42. During a massage...in public...from your mom
- 41. See 42, but with your dad
- 40. When modeling pants.
- 39. While you're eating a fat free yoghurt sample at the supermarket.
- 38. When watching "Schindler's List".
- 37. When in a battle.
- 36. While wiping/looking at your ass.
- 35. When you have a history lesson about the Holocaust.
- 34. While posing naked for an art class.
- 33. When watching Golden Girls.
- 32. When your friend Rick rolls you.
- 31. When having a testicular cancer inspection at the doctor's.
- 30. Whenever IKEA makes a new furniture model (Or even Pia Ikea modelling herself). It will give a new word called "Wood on wood"
- 29. During your job as the mall Santa. Ho! Ho! Oh
- 28. While the nurse is shaving you before hernia surgery. The male nurse. And oh.... it makes him grin.
- 27. At an autopsy. (Bonus points if it's yours)
- 26. In the middle of racing at the Tour de France.
- 25. While teabagging someone (Or even hot coal) in Halo
- 24. Right before you're asked your opinion on sex education at the PTA meeting.
- 23. When watching reruns of "Doogie Howser, MD". Only women and gay men should find Neil Patrick Harris attractive (see "How I Met Your Mother").
- 22. When your wife tells you her great grandmother is coming to visit.
- 21. When watching Toy Story. It gives whole new meaning to the name ‘Woody.’
- 20. While hosting Story Hour in the children's library.
- 19. While preaching a sermon (this is why Catholic priests prefer robes)
- 18. At your diving class in your tight diving suit.
- 17. In a packed elevator.
- 16. In the very front of a packed elevator.
- 15. While asking your boss for a "raise".
- 14. When pacing back and forth making your case in the courtroom. I'm sure this has happened in quite a few Supreme Court cases.
- 13. Whenever anyone mentions Bangkok/John Handcock/Alfred Hitchcock.
- 12. When discussing a video game with a friend that he keeps saying is really long and hard.
- 11. During the Republican National Convention. Except if John McCain's daughter says anything. She's pretty much a ditzy dumb blonde with a huge rack. The only good thing McCain's ever done in his time as a member of Congress.
- 10. When your boss introduces you to his daughter. Especially if she has a nice ass.
- 9. When patting your dog.
- 8. When someone points a gun to your head.
- 7. When visiting Grandma's house.
- 6. While having a trial in court. you'll have to reveal your wood to everyone and rub it on the judge's face to get arrested.
- 5. When walking past the playground.
- 4. During the meeting, when you give new meaning to the term "PowerPoint presentation".
- 3. While reading this article.
- 2. At the same time you dropped the soap in prison
- 1. While reading an article about getting boners