100 Worst Moments to get a Boner

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Guys, you all understand. It's tough, especially for people like me, where it sticks out even without an erection. But hey, it's life, its almost like when women's nipples show when their shirt is too tight or wet…except, everyone wants to see that, no one wants to see your boner. It's typical, you always get it at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT, it's never when you're lying in bed, or you're alone at home or when you're trying to have sex, oh-no, it's got to be…well here's 100 examples!

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100-91[edit | edit source]

100.While showering with your naked (male) friends in the gym locker room.
99.While you go out to get the mail in your robe.

“Yup, flag's up.”

~ Mailman on you getting a boner while getting the mail
98.When your neighbor tells you he's gay.
97.When watching a nature documentary with your girlfriend. You don't want to get a boner when you see two chipmunks getting it on.
96.While watching the Logo channel. Especially when watching anything with RuPaul.
95.When "Karma Chameleon" starts playing on the radio while you're in the bathroom of a gas station/convenience store in Chemult.
94.When the pilot tells you that “we will be encountering some slight turbulence up ahead.
93.The same time someone kicks that springy door-stop thingy and makes it go "Boi-oi-oi-oinggggg."
92.Whenever that hideous freak from your biology class tries to talk to you.
91.While hugging your little sister.

90-81[edit | edit source]

90.While stuffed into an enclosed space… With other guys.
89.On stage during a live interview.
88.While using a chef's knife. See the Lorena Bobbit example.
87.While watching the fat chick from that "Precious" movie.
86.While quoting Oscar Wilde.
85.When peeing. It makes it harder to aim.
84.In front of an industrial size fan. Ow.
83.When you're letting the kids bury you in the sand at the beach.
82.While praying in an extremist Mosque.
81.While singing in an orchestra (Especially if you are singing Adeste Fideles).

80-71[edit | edit source]

80.When you're on America's Next Top Model.
79.When racing against Razor in Need For Speed Most Wanted
78.When at a funeral.
77.When you see a white van drive by.
76.While looking at pictures of your parents as children.
75.While picking salami at the butcher.
74.While wearing sweat-pants
73.When you rub suntan lotion on your foot.
72.When leaning against a tiger cage.
71.Whilst visiting the gynecologist.

70-61[edit | edit source]

70.When looking at a picture of Lady Gaga and/or Ke$ha.
69.When meeting your wife's friend, who is a girl.
68.When picking your daughter up from school.
67.When talking to your child's teacher at a parent/teacher conference.
66.When you're Asian. If you get comments on how tiny it is, don't say I didn't warn you.
65.When watching Sesame Street. I know some people have a fetish for furries, but Elmo?
64.When in a marching band. It'll give new meaning to the phrase "playing the trombone."
63.When looking at your "On-Demand" list and seeing a Justin Bieber "Never Say Never" ad.
62.When you're on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. And you wonder why Kevin Eubanks laughs all the time.
61.When a piranha bit your leg.

60-51[edit | edit source]

60.When a street evangelist is talking to you about how much Jesus loves you. Blessed is he who cums in the name of the Lord!
59.When a religious buddy lays hands on you in prayer.
58.While making repeated attempts to get through the airport metal detector and the assistant has to break out the portable.
57.While giving the weather forecast.
56.When you jump on to the back of your (male) friend.
55.When your cousin tells you all about how she just got dumped and she's so lonely. Except in Alabama.
54.Anywhere within a 500 ft. radius of Richard Simmons.
53.While standing in front of your classroom giving your oral report on cannibalism/necrophilia.
52.When next to a hairy guy at the beach lotioning himself up.
51.Any moment during a sumo wrestling match, whether participant or spectator.

50-41[edit | edit source]

50.When your mom walks in on you playing air guitar in your room…naked.
49.When accidentally walking into a gay bar.
48.Whenever Family Guy makes a gay joke.
47.When watching a show involving naked babies.
46.Watching the recording of your sister-in-law giving birth.
45.While watching sports. At a bar.
44.During a proctology exam.
43.While looking at a painting made by Pablo Picasso, like this: [1].
42.During a massage…in public…from your mom
41.See 42, but with your dad

40-31[edit | edit source]

40.When modeling pants.
39.While you're eating a fat free yoghurt sample at the supermarket.
38.When watching "Schindler's List".
37.When in a battle.
36.While wiping/looking at your ass.
35.When you have a history lesson about the Holocaust.
34.While posing naked for an art class.
33.When watching Golden Girls.
32.When your friend Rick rolls you.
31.When having a testicular cancer inspection at the doctor's.

30-21[edit | edit source]

30.Whenever IKEA makes a new furniture model (Or even Pia Ikea modelling herself). It will also create a new meaning to Wood on wood also known as staring at a fine shaven birch."
29.while cosplaying as the mall Santa.
28.While the nurse is shaving you before hernia surgery. The male nurse. And oh…. it makes him grin.
27.At an autopsy. (Bonus points if it's yours)
26.In the middle of racing at the Tour de France.
25.While teabagging someone (Or even hot coal) in Halo
24.Right before you're asked your opinion on sex education at the PTA meeting.
23.When watching reruns of "Doogie Howser, MD". Only women and gay men should find Neil Patrick Harris attractive (see "How I Met Your Mother").
22.When your wife tells you her great grandmother is coming to visit.
21.When watching Toy Story. It gives whole new meaning to the name ‘Woody.’

20-11[edit | edit source]

20.While hosting Story Hour in the children's library.
19.While preaching a sermon (this is why Catholic priests prefer robes)
18.At your diving class in your tight diving suit.
17.In a packed elevator.
16.In the very front of a packed elevator.
15.While asking your boss for a "raise".
14.When pacing back and forth making your case in the courtroom. I'm sure this has happened in quite a few Supreme Court cases.
13.Whenever anyone mentions Bangkok/John Handcock/Alfred Hitchcock.
12.When discussing a video game with a friend that she keeps saying is really long and hard.
11.During the Republican National Convention. Except if John McCain's daughter says anything. She's pretty much a ditzy dumb blonde with a huge rack. The only good thing McCain's ever done in his time as a member of Congress.

10-1[edit | edit source]

10.When your boss introduces you to his daughter. Especially if she has a nice ass.
9.When patting your dog.
8.When someone points a gun to your head.
7.When visiting Grandma's house.
6.While having a trial in court. you'll have to reveal your wood to everyone and rub it on the judge's face to get arrested.
5.When walking past the playground.
4.During the meeting, when you give new meaning to the term "PowerPoint presentation".
3.While snogging your sister
2.At the same time you dropped the soap in prison
1.For more than 24 hours straight.
100 Animals
99 April Fools Jokes
98 Cartman Wannabes
97 Colors
96 Creatures to have sex with
95 Firefox extensions
94 Foods
93 Gifts to give a friend
92 Harry Potter Spin-offs
91 Inventions
90 Locations
89 LOL Cats
88 Make Out Songs
87 Moments to get a Boner
86 Moments to Laugh
85 Money Making Schemes
84 Movies
83 Nonexistent Words
82 Not In The Least Bit Sexual Things To Do With No Pants On
81 Nutty Conspiracy Theories
80 Overused Star Trek Episode Plots
79 Pokemon Cash-Ins
78 Porn Stars
77 Quick Detections that an Uncyclopedia page sucks
76 Weapons
75 Reflections on 2005
74 Reflections on 2006
73 Reflections on 2007
72 Reflections on 2008
71 Reflections on 2009
70 Reflections on 2010
69 Reflections on 2011
68 Reflections on 2012
67 Reflections on 2013
66 Reflections on 2018
65 Reflections on 2022
64 Rejected Harry Potter Novels
63 Remakes
62 Restaurants
61 Self Help Books
60 Sexual Perversions
59 Short Poems
58 Sitcom Catchphrases
57 Songs
56 Songs about Seagulling
55 Songs To Have Sex To
54 Songs To Play At A Funeral
53 Spinoffs
52 Superheroes
51 Things About the '00s
50 Things to do during Christmas
49 Things to Put In An IV
48 Things To Say In Court
47 Things to Say in the Workplace
46 Things to say on a First Date
45 Toys
44 TV Programs
43 Uncyclopedia In-Jokes
42 Video Games of all time‎
41 Video Game Movies
40 Video Game Systems
39 Ways of Being a Dick
38 Ways To Be Castrated
37 Ways to be Circumcized
36 Ways to Deliver Bad News
35 Ways to Die
34 Ways to Kill Sarah Connor
33 Ways to Start a Novel
32 Ways to Win an Argument
31 Religions