Worst 100 Rejected Harry Potter Novels
With over 1 billion copies of Harry Potter books being sold every minute, it's pretty obvious that this particular money cow is to be milked for all its worth. J. K. Rowling has, to date, penned 2,547.4 Harry Potter books - the vast majority of which were deemed too believable for fans to comprehend The result of which is a massive back catalogue of unreleased Harry Potter material. Each story had a title, and below is a list of the worst 100 of the thousands that were suggested, worked upon and, in some cases, completed. (Note to future editors, McGonagall's name is spelled McGonagall)
- Harry finds that the way to defeat Voldemort is hidden in a Criterion Collection laserdisc. The book ends with Harry finding it in the Boogie Nights laserdisc. The book was 7000 pages long, with 100 pages devoted to each laserdisc Harry looks at. The book was never published because it was finished around the time DVDs took the market by storm. J.K. Rowling attempted a rewrite that replaced laserdiscs with DVDs, but it took too long, so she just gave it to a homeless man.
- Harry, Ron, Neville and Hermione try to Apparate to Diagon Alley but instead end up in a mysterious place. What are all these high tower blocks, sexual graffiti, and 11 year olds smoking crack? Neville gets killed straight away. Ron mistakes a hoodie for a dementor, and screams out "Expecto Patronum!" He then gets shanked and mugged, Hermione rapes a cocker spaniel, and Harry gets another scar on his ass.
- Harry discovers that Hagrid is actually a convicted sex offender, and makes a disturbing discovery when he visits his hut at midnight when Ron goes missing…
- Exactly the same as the published version, except Harry's scar wasn't on his forehead. Page 99: Harry dropped his pants to show the lightning scar on his left testicle. Ron stared. Page 126: The hook-nosed teacher looked past Quirrell's turban straight into Harry's eyes - and a sharp, hot pain shot across the scar on Harry's testicle. "Ouch!" Harry clapped a hand to his crotch. The teacher noticed the action and smiled lovingly at Harry. Page 148 also contained a short part where Dumbledore examined Harry's scar…
- This year at Genitalwarts, Harry turns Ron into a monkey. The monkey decides to start fling his crap at every student he sees. Can Harry avoid getting his shirt soiled? Can Ron the monkey eat his own feces? Will PETA take monkey Ron away and make creepy human/animal hybrids with him like in that awesome South Park episode?
- In this charming tale, Harry takes it up the bum by Hagrid, Ron gets ass-blasted into another dimension, and Snape gets blown by Malfoy. Narrated by Jim Dale.
- Harry finds a magical tube which allows him to transfer his load with He Who Must Not Be Named.
- After Hermoine fucked Ron, Harry didn't find a way to forget but to drink and eat. Unfortunately, it was little too much to eat.
- Ron fumbles the count and wastes a perfectly good Holy Handgrenade on the family car. Meanwhile, Harry is trapped in the tower with the strange girls. He somehow is trapped. You'd really think he'd be able to overcome them. We find out that Hermione's mother was a hampster, and her father smelt of elderberries.
- ‘Roid rage! Harry gets banned from Hogwarts Football team for using and sharing his ‘roids with his fellow teammates.
- Harry's new birthday present is a dick in a box. Most people ask Harry why his box has a small, bald hamster in it, but Draco saw it once and dashed off to the gent's toilet. The next day he was treated for a mysterious right-wrist cramp.
- Chickens have overrun Hogwarts! Can Harry save the day, and forget what he saw Hagrid doing in his house with one of the chickens halfway through the plot?
- All of those midnight feasts get to Harry, and after a prolonged session of Butter Beer dirty sheets ensue. What… what else did you think I meant?
- Grafitti starts to appear in the men's lavvy in Hogwarts proclaiming that Harry Potter is "a big gay poofwizard" and "hung like a Limpwuitted Virginmouse". He refutes these claims, often in ways that violate numerous sexual assault laws, but the culprit turns out to be Ron Weasley, violently jealous of Harry's popularity.
- Strange bubbling sounds can be heard from the Gryffindor bedrooms, but it's not Polyjuice Potion or a bizarre initiation ritual… it's Harry's stash of illegal alcohol. Can he stay sober enough to drink through it all before Snape discovers what he's done? And just what DID he get up to the night before that made his ass so sore…?
- Harry tells Ron a joke who takes it literally and the next morning tells everyone that Harry Potter… yes, THE Harry Potter proposed to him. And he's said yes! Watch as Harry tries not to hurt his friend's feelings as Ron prepares the wedding, choosing Neville Longbottom as his best man and writing the wedding speech. Unfortunately, after Ron reads Harry's Facebook status (Harry Potter: Is shitting himself) he twigs and commits suicide by cutting off his genitals and mailing them to Harry.
- Harry is asked to join a new club, which is full of
sexual vampireshot girls. He can't wait to join. The initiation ceremony is tomorrow. But what is all that weird squeaking from that box over there? And why are some of the new people at Bogwarts sort of furry, like their mother was a stoat.
- It would be better if we didn't go into this…
- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SNAPE, I DO NOT HAVE A FRICKIN' HIPPOGRIFF FETISH!! I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT!!
- After an enlargement attempt gone badly wrong, Harry finds himself with a major self-esteem problem. Can he get his most precious part back before his vowed teabagging of Hermione on the last day of term?
- When Dumbledore looks slightly less sane than usual, Harry Potter beings a desperate race to uncover the reason. It couldn't possibly be Harry's secret weed stash, surely?
- Harry, after convincing Dumbledore to take acid instead of weed (which involves Dumbledore falling to his death from the tallest tower, but it's all good, right?) is now back on his hash and, after taking an unusually large dose, finds himself as the prime minister of Britain, married to 2 old men and his own dad.
- It looks like Harry Potter's antics are up for good when Inspector Dawhoreis Underage comes to Hogwarts. Can Harry Potter bribe her? And does he even want to when he finds out what the bribe is?
- Harry is beginning to regret this dare. Still, a hero's gotta do what a hero's gotta do.
- Didn't go after Hitler. He and Ron went after Sonny Liston for knocking out that mule. They got his ass, too. Hermione fucked a hippogriff.
- I'M SICK OF THESE MUTHA F*CKIN' SNAPES ON THIS MUTHA F*CKING PLANE!
- There is a new arrival at Hogwarts because of the bi-wizard tournament. But why does Hermione suddenly have trouble doing her homework and needs to be alone in her room? And why did Harry see the guy without any trousers the other day?
- "Service was poor, the waiters were rude, the food took ages getting here, when it did it was burnt and there were 300 really annoying, noisy Spartans on the next table! I'm never coming here again!"
- Harry and the gang's first attempt at illegal Apparition goes horribly wrong when they end up in a hot tub in a Vegas hotel, with nothing on but a Weird Sisters song and a bottle of Firewhiskey. (Wait, did I say it went wrong?)
- J. K. Rowling was sued by Kelly before she could make any piss jokes, which was interesting as Kelly's act of suing was admission that he had pissed on a girl. The case was thrown out, along with the book.
- Harry finds out just how much Hagrid loves animals…
- Colin Creepy, the weird kid who sold "value" photos of first form girls to Hagrid and was expelled for writing "Albus Mumsawhore has a troll fetish," is back. Harry has decided to ignore this and carry on with his showers all alone at the edge of the school. But what is that weird clicking noise? And why are girls pointing at him in the corridors and sniggering?
- It breaks the fourth wall.
- There's a new club at Hogwarts and Harry is intrigued. However, he soon regrets his decision after the initiation ceremony begins…
- There's only one way for Harry to catch Dumbledore's eye…
- Sort of a sequel to Harry Potter and the Doping Scandal.
- Very funny, Rowling.
- Last warning, Rowling.
- We f*cking told you, Rowling!
- When a Hogwarts gay is attacked by a Hogwarts straight, a massive fight breaks out, with the straights and gays against each other. The school divided 50:50, the battle lasts for days until one of the
gaysstraights (Harry) uses the spell Dildous Maximus, causing all the gays to gaze in awe at it until they are all killed.
- Connect him to a motor and you can power New York for a year, man!
- There's nothing funny about the number 69, at least that's what Ginny said. Ron didn't think so either when he caught them…
- After some of Harry's Friday night vices get out on Myspace, he is desperate to prove them wrong. Can he do it? And can he afford the child support should he fail?
- "My name is Cornholio! I need t.p. for my bunghole!!"
- Voldemort has hidden doomsday Easter Eggs in Hogwarts. Can Harry find them before they hatch into evil copies of Hogwarts students? If he can't these evil copies will run around the school making clucking noises and do other embarrassing things.
- Harry accidently summons a Psychedelic Toad (Bofu Alvarius) instead of a common toad. The hallucinogenic sweat puts Harry in a Purple Haze.
- Harry is unexpectedly overcome with strange emotions for Malfoy. But when he finds out their love is forbidden, he becomes hooked on cocaine and absinth, and is expelled for projectile vomiting over Professor McGonagall.
- Not that type of fag. Harry Potter was accused of using first years to empty his chamberpot. So what? OK, maybe making them drink it is a little harsh, but Dumbledore pees directly into their mouths. At least, that's what it looks like…
- It was not a normal joke. The school had been serving bean hash for lunch that day. Trelawny was blown into the lake and kidnapped by lesbian nymphs. Mission successful!
- It lasted 2 hours and it was the cheapest Harry ever got. He'll be using her again!
- After Harry has been looking at the most restricted part of the library, he finds himself with cramps in his right wrist. Can he make the teachers believe he got it from writing? And what will the next user of the book do when they see the stains?
- When Harry Potter is being chased through the library by Mick Shagga, he discovers a secret, extra-restricted section. But after he has looked at it for a while, he seems to realize that he has been here for several days. Hermione becomes suspicious. There's only one type of book that Harry would spend that long looking at…
- When Harry forgets Rule 34 and accidentally initiates the Manhunt, Ron has to hide in the forest, accused of raping the school's beloved pet furby. Can Harry convince the school that it is a mistake? And how will Ron manage in the all-male centaur crew in the middle of the forest?
- Follow the
trail of bloodspiders! Follow the trail of bloodspiders! Yaaaaaay! Hey what the? Harry?
- When Harry buys a dodgy plant from Dogdungus Letcher, things start to go awfully wrong when the plant gets the whole of Gryffindor pree-tty high.
- "Dumbledore ran his fingers down Harry's leg one last time (to check for moles). "Now Harry," he said "I'm going to tie you down and begin my anal examination. It involves inserting my 'probe' into your anus and shaking it around for about two minutes. It's extremely tiring and I will make some strange noises. I just want you to keep your blindfold on, and think happy thoughts. Then I will give you a Breathalyzer test. Keep breathing hard on it until some sample medicine comes out. You are then free to go."
- This caused several first-years to drop dead from exhaustion. Maybe it's a serial killing, as they all have a close-up of a night elf on the screen and some yogurt (?) on the floor near them.
- It involves a wand, a broomstick and a vat of Mr. Mackniffle's wonder jelly. I'm saying nothing more.
- Snape tries to subdue McGonagall with a 5 ton Rhypnol bomb. His attempt fails and the bomb simply asplodes, trapping Harry, Ron and Hermione in a room, with food and water but nothing to do until they are eventually rescued. But why does Ron seem so reluctant to join in with Harry and Hermione? A little wrestling never hurt anyone, right? At least it looks like wrestling. Hermione is certainly making some interesting battle cries.
- After a book with a drawing of Harry snogging Ron (drawn in crayon) is released and everyone believes it, can Harry ever convince the hot girls he is straight? And what will happen if Mick Shagga finds out? Meanwhile, the artist is drawing more pictures…
- When Harry's internet history is posted on the school wall, he has some difficult explaining to do to Ron. He doesn't know some of the words…
- It had a good plot line.
- Harry is shocked to learn that he has a rare and legendary troll fetish. Can he hide his new double life from his fans? What will Ron do when he sees Harry masturbating to troll porn?
- Lord Baldyfart is winning his great battle against Harry until the artist formerly known as Prince turns up and scares Baldyfart away using his very high and EXTREMELY ANNOYING voice.
- When Malfoy brags his broomstick is bigger than Harry's, Harry sets out to fix the situation, with Dumbledore's help, of course.
- Harry modified his Nimbus 2000, intending to use it to teach Hermione how to "fly", but Prof. Snape has got hold of it. There's only one way to get it back…
- After a 16-foot pubic hair is found strangling people in the bathroom, Harry begins a desperate quest to stop it. But what will he do when he learns it's Hermione's?
- After Harry Potter gets up to his Friday night fun once too often, he suddenly notices that his favorite magical wand burns. Can he face the embarrassment of showing the school nurse? And what will he do when she takes it and puts right in the middle of her-
- After Harry's misadventure with Aslutta Nebronia, Harry decides that he should start using a condom. Hilarious misadventures ensue as it splits before raping Aslutta and then lodging itself firmly in Harry's nose.
- Ron's April Fools joke proves very hard to reverse. Harry has to invent a Hairy Formula.
- Harry gets his Hairy Formula on Snape's drinking goblet.
- Malfoy has stolen and hidden a library book Harry had checked out. Harry must avoid the librarian while going to classes, Quidditch training, etc. until he finds the book or he will face the merciless wrath of the legendary Mick Shagga. Some say he doesn't exist, but the number of dead first years found bleeding through a hole in the back of their skin-tight leather thongs does create quite an argument…
- Harry has a hemorrhoid and it has a mind and life of its own. It sings and talks constantly, it's having a great time making it look like Harry's talking out of his ass. This of course gets Harry sent to detention.
- Harry's hemorrhoid enters a story long battle with the school's proctologist. The Asplosions destroy parts of Hogwarts.
- After there are asplosed patches all the way from the school toilets to the Griffyndor common room, people begin to wonder who caused this problem. When Harry's bed is found to have asploded, there is the ususal Friday night angry mob. However, Harry soon wins their friendship back by aiming it at teachers. The teachers don't mind, as it's not the first time that they've been right up to their necks in sh-t.
- The thing about vanishing cream is that the jar vanishes when the cream is put in, good luck finding it.
- There's a secret in that overflowing chamber pot! Does Harry dare to get to the bottom of it? Can he stand the smell? And why was Ron sitting in the pot, with no pants?
- Perfectly innocent, I tell ya! Harry just wanted to… erm… borrow some sugar, okay!
- Slytherin House has got a new mascot called the Diabolical Donkey which Harry finds strangely attractive.
- Harry gets disgusted with himself for his relationship with the Diabolical Donkey. This drives him to drink and confess to Malfoy, the donkey's caretaker.
- After Malfoy tells Harry Potter that a bizarre ritual goes on every night in the girl's shower room Harry Potter's curiosity gets the better of him. Donning his invisibility cloak he goes to see what's going on. Unfortunately, that night, it's McGonagall's turn to clean up, forcing Harry to burn his own mental imagery out of his mind permanently using the spell "Forgetabouitus".
- Following a prolonged rummaging of Hagrid's little home, Harry stumbles across a slightly stained crystal orb. Later, whilst in bed, he discovers that this crystal ball can create any type of porn he can imagine. Unfortunately Ron eventually comes across it and has a go, disgusting Harry with the un-natural, freaky car crash of a porn scene that emerges. Soon it's written all over the walls what Ron fantasizes about, ultimately leading to Ron making the series' first suicide; by hanging (by the balls).
- Fearing the Japanese not liking her Harry Potter series, Rowling decided to feature some of their tastes in her new book. Harry hits upon a 16 year old schoolgirl in a sailor's school uniform who has disproportional legs and massive eyes. Unfortunately, this long, often graphically described story (reading from right to left, back to front) turns out to be a dream, leading to an embarrassing trip to the Hogwarts dry-cleaners.
- An attempt at cross-promotion. Unfortunately this title only reached draft stage before the proverbial corporate copyright monkey shat on her from a great height, so it never got written.
- Harry finds himself in the American southwest dealing with gunslingers. This book featured the quickest death when Ron accidentally shoots himself in the head on page 3.
- This was Rowling's only acknowledgment of the Southeastern United States' Bible-thumpin' hatred of the series. Of the opinion that sins are a matter of degrees, she banked on the marketability of deliberately pissing off the Confederacy. This, she hoped, would draw attention away from the witchcraft elements. Never even made it past her agents, although she did try to write it in the style of William Faulkner.
- Hermione learned the spell ‘’Facio Climactium! Swish and flick.
- Sequel to number 24.
- Remarkably, there turned out to be no spell for cleaning Hagrid's garage, but what will Harry do when he finds some of Dumbldore's robes covered in yogurt (?) stains? And does he want to know what is in that box marked "Dumbledore, Flitwick and Snape"?
- Harry uses the Engorgio charm on his wand, and now he can't get it to shrink. Fortunately, Professor Dumbledore was glad to help…
- If Harry Potter hadn't originally been intended as a children's book, well some of the monsters in it… Phew!! Enough to give your mum a heart attack! And that's saying something!!
- When Harry finds an Extra-Restricted Section book covered in yogurt (?) stains under Ron's bed, he takes it to class to look at, only to hand it in to Snape by mistake at the end of term.
- In an effort to boost his grade to passing, Harry finds out just how greasy the rest of Snape's hair is. (sequel to 19)
- A new kid has come to the school, and is selling this new book called "Dick-Butt Mountain". Harry soon realizes that it is full of man porn. (It's man porn?! How was I supposed to know that?). But why is the book so popular? And why does Harry's book have yogurt (?) on all the pages? Whatever happens, it sure is darn tasty yogurt…
- This novel would have come with a CD by the B-52's with the song Rock Lobster and several previously unreleased songs.
- Far and away the most violent of the series.
- Harry jumped off the highest tower on a 'magic' carpet. Did not end well. Hermione was not at all impressed by his weird song.
- Ron's testicles, page 339: Fucker had it coming.
- Introduces a new character named "Sheriff L. T. Bell", who strikingly resembles Tommy Lee Jones.
- The tragic death of Sheriff L.T. Bell. (sequel to 12)
- Harry is in trouble. Hénry has come to Hogwarts and is proving to be a better 'chosen one' than him, with much more smarm and lip-curling. Can Harry hold his jealousy back enough to avoid suspicion when the body eventually surfaces down at the lake?
- She was not amused. And he couldn't stop laughing.
- LSD's a hell of a drug, man.
- Who could it be? Hermione? Ginny? Hagrid? Ron? Snape? Hedwig? Read the book…if you dare!!!
- Draco Malfoy catches a 20MM anti-tank round through both nuts. Ginny Weasley catches the same bullet through the mouth at the same time.
- Harry Wells goes to Hogwarts and says it's stupid and blows it up and everyone dies. The end.
- A strange ugly woman comes to Hogwarts and whips up a love potion for our young hero.
- Harry discovers that the hair on the rest of the princess's body is not blond.
- Harry loses a bet with Ron about Hermione's bra size. As a result, Harry has to spend the night in Hagrid's cabin. Did he really have a coughing fit while eating a gallon jug of yogurt? And why does Harry keep sneaking back to Hagrid's place?
- Actually a pretty non-eventful book that was misleadingly titled to try and flog yet more from this dying cash cow. Although one good highlight was when Ron was caught rifling through McGonagall's underwear drawer.