Worst 100 Ways To Start A Novel

“But…You realise these are all extracted from The Holy Bible?”

– God's Secretary on this article

So you're about to sit down to write the Great American Novel, huh? Well, be sure that your novel does not start with any of these phrases…

100-91

101.

 "Everybody asks me if I know Tyler Durden. I don't, so why does everybody keep asking?"

from "Fight Club, The Author's Cut"

100.

 "Call me Dennis."

from "Moby, the God Metaphor"

99.

 "Damn, I wish I spoke Spanish and did not have a severe learning disability that would keep me from ever learning the language during the remaining 37 years of my prison sentence here in Colombia," thought Jack.

from "Midnight Expresso"

98.

 "It was quiet. Too quiet. …The quiet continued unabated for the next eight years."

from "Kids, It's Quiet Time"

97.

 "Dr. Fick had never seen a wind tunnel generator before, let alone gotten married in one."

from "The Ficking Wind Tunnel"

96.

 "The Marleys were dead to begin with. Ebenezer had hidden the evidence."

from "A Christmas Carol, Take Two"

95.

 "The dog looked around the courtroom anxiously… How could he protect his master now, given the DA's evidence?"

from "A Most Interesting Court Case"

94.

 "Andy the Cockroach awoke one morning to find he had become a clown."

from "Clown-omorphosis"

93.

 "The Shit James was taking was consuming more time and effort than he had first anticipated"

from "Life is Shit"

92.

 "He woke up from the unabated sleep by the clanging and cracking of the nearby elephant, blowing straw through his ass."

from "The Life of a Common Frateurist"

91.

 "Billy Pilgrim had come unstuck in time like a car that was unstuck in a lack of traffic on an empty road."

from "Slaughterhouse Five" (first draft)

90-81

90.

 Elmore could hear the thunderstorm outside. "Rumble rumble! Crash! Bang! Fwoosh! Bang! Boom! Rumble! Growl! Rumble rumble! FATHOOM crash crash crackle! Rumble crack! Crackle rumble grrrr rumble!", the thunderstorm remarked.

"Dr. Bartleby Pokes Himself In The Eyeball"

89.

 "Tom!"

No answer.
"TOM!"
No answer.
"TOOOOOOOM!"
No answer.
"TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!"
No answer.
"What's gone with that boy, I wonder? You TOM!"
No answer.

from "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" (first draft)

88.

 "I think I've packed enough clothing to last me until the end of a short story, maybe a novella even," Jacqueline thought to herself.

"Jacqueline Runs Out of Clean Underpants, the Novel"

88.

 "A surge of overwhelming sensation surged throughout his newfound body. A smell of rubber, the feel of the cold, gravelly road encapsulated his emotions like a rock submerged in a tub of perfume. Bobby the bicycle had become self aware, and there was no going back."

"Bobby's Bicycle"

87.

 I woke up and headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth, but I was wrong. DEAD WRONG!

"A Life of Melodrama"

86.

 "Aardvark," a large, burrowing, insectivorous mammal native to Africa.

"Webster's Abridged Dictionary"

85.

 The

"The End"

84.

 And then Voldemort rose from the dead again!

"Harry Potter and the Bottom of the Barrel"

83.

 A cold, icy, chilly wind blasted across my ruggedly handsome face from the northwest. The wind was from the northwest, that is. My face was (and is) from the east, as is (was) the rest of me, save the scar she gave me, which I suppose came from the north of here.

"Blah"

82.

 On the first Monday of the month of December, 2007, the market town of , in which the author of THE TALES OF THE BEEDLE AND THE BARD was born, appeared to be in as perfect a state of riot as if I had just made a second copy of it. Oh, hold on, I had!

"A perspective on my release of another book, The "Written in the style of The Three Musketeers" Edition" by J.K. Rowling

81.

 Hello! I'm Brian Blessed!

"Brian Blessed The Dynamite Kid (Autobiography)"

80-71

80.

 Gregory the Hamster knew it was going to be a bad day when he saw the one true ring.

"Gregory the Hamster goes to Middle Earth"

79.

 Winner of The Booker Prize

"Anything that has won the Booker Prize"

78.

 There it goes again, that same almost embarassingly familiar smell that always comes this time of the year.

"Spies"

77.

 Where is my cow? Is that my cow? It goes "Hruuugh!" It is a hippopotamus. That's not my cow!

"Where is My Cow?"

76.

 Three billion green bottles, sitting on the wall…

"Green Bottles: Extended Edition"

75.

 You know, if I hadn't killed myself this book would have been much longer.

"Derek's Death"

74.

 "I have come to suspect that both Michaelangelo and Da Vinci were actually controlled by God," he said, "which begs the question… what part did Michaelangelo play in this?"

"The Da Vanci Code II"

73.

 You know you're doomed when a three-foot alien from 1745 comes and eats your mailbox.

"Help! I'm an Alien from 1745"

72.

 Life has never been the same since I lost my bowels.

"Tracy Beaker and the Colostomy Bag"

71.

 I was just an ordinary 12 year old boy, how was I supposed to know that gummy worms would eat me?

"Goosebumps, The Best of"

70-61

70.

 I believe this is the first child's Beauty Contest you have stayed at, Miss Worsley?

"A Child of No Importance"

69.

 Alice was beginning to get very tired of sleeping in a hotel, and of having nothing to do - once or twice she had peeped out of the window to see what her brother was doing, but it certainly had no conversation in it. "Conversation," she thought out loud, "involves more clothing."

"Alice in Amsterdam"

68.

 I thought the king had more affected women than men.

"King Queer"

67.

 My father had a large estate in China - I was the seventh of seven sons. He sent me to Beijing at five years old, where I worked seven years, and applied myself close to my studies; but the charge of maintaining me, although I had a very scanty allowance, being too great for a narrow fortune, I was bound rent boy to Mr. James Bates, an eminent surgeon in Huo, with whom I continued four years.

"Gulliver's Trafficking"

66.

 I'm getting chilled to the bone. What can Daddy be doing all this time? He's been gone three years.

"Orphanygmalion"

65.

 Wait, that didn't happen.

"The Earth Explodes"

64.

 I have Piles.

"The Amazing Adventures of Andrew's Arse-Grapes"

63.

 The End.

"Insert Novel Here"

62.

 Chapetr One:

Cahpetr One:
Chapeter One:
No, wait…
Chpter One:
Chapter nOe:
Chaptwr One
Dammit!
Chapte rOne
What the hell? I almost had it.
Chzapter One
Dammit.

"Sarah Palin's Autobiography"

61.

 In the realm of Zotagar dragons turned the sky black with the shadows of a hundred thousand wings. They also turned the land brown with the feces of fifty thousand asses and yellowed the rivers with the urine of approximately twenty-five thousand dragon penises and twenty-five thousand dragon vaginas.

"Dragon Quest of Zotagar"

60-51

60.

 So there I was, being pulled down the interstate by my dick…

"Yuri Kaufman's Anthology of Extremely Painful Things To Do To Your Dick if You're the Sort of Person Who Enjoys That Kind of Thing"

59.

 "I really need to piss!" belched Jared.

"Life in a Glass"

58.

 IF I WANTED TO SAY THAT YOU WERE A MOTHERFUCKER, I WOULDN'T HAVE SAID "YOU MOTHERFUCKER", I WOULD'VE HAVE JUST PINNED THIS TAIL ON YOU! MOTHERFUCKER!

"Tourettes GuyThe Ethics and Group Dynamics of Pin the Tail on the MOTHERFUCKER!"

57.

 I look down under the blacklight down at the hotel sheets. Everything seems to be in order. I might actually write a good review of this place. Wait…is that a dead hooker under the bed? Oh, wait, it's only Starla. Well, that's one number I won't be dialing. Or so I thought…

"Assfault Jungle: Putting the 'Ho' back in 'Hotel'"

56.

 I woke up one morning with my mouth full of pussy and decided to call it quits.

"Dark Meat"

55.

 I was very naive as a child, so when Michael Jackson told me he was only a harmless Jack O'Lantern, how was I to know not to cut open his head and look at his pumpkin brains?

"Tales From Jacko's Head"

54.

 I began to die.

"My Death So Far"

53.

 The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger decided he had better things to do and gave up.

"Dark Tower Series Book I"

52.

 It wasn't sexy at all.

"Jenna Jameson, An Autobiography"

51.

 Fact - The Priory of Sion - a European secret society founded in 1099 - is a hoax created by some mad frenchman, and in real life is probably not worth worrying about, but hey! I'm trying to sell millions of copies of my novel here folks!

"Dan Brown, The Da Vinci Code - first draft."

50-41

50.

 Suddenly, my face exploded!

"Explosions", James Joyce

49.

 She was undeniably fat,

"The realists", C. LaReux

48..

 You push the BELLY BUTTON!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!! Oh, novel, I thought you said "Start a Navel"!!! Ha Ha Ha!!!

"Punny McRetard's Big Book of Komedy"

47.

 I as lying aak in bd ith my had burid in my pillo, trying to chas th lusiv fairi of slp through th darknss ith no avail. Onc again th morning ould b tird, rstlss and gry.

"Th Day th Kys Btn Q and R Fll Off My Typritr and Th Amusing vnts That Lad Up to That Situation."

46.

 And they lived happily ever after. Like, really happily. Want to know how happily? Well, I'll tell you. We've got time.

"Happy As Hell"

45.

 Who is Chuck Norris?

"What! You don't know who I am? Just wait for me to come for you!" - Atlas Shrugged

44.

 "Cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt fuck cunt cunt cunt cunt heroin cunt cunt cunt cunt Sco'lan' cunt cunt cunt. Faithermore, cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt. Did ah mention cunt?"

"Planespotting" - Irvine Welsh

43.

 First, set the mood. Imagine a nice, calm scene, like a roadside. Then add a classic character, but one vague enough so as not to breach copyright. Let's say…a chicken. Yes, a chicken. Now…well, now, things get complicated.

"How to Tell a Joke" - Michaael Hunt

42.

 I wanted to do a fucking detective thing, or a fucking bodice ripper. Anything but fucking science fiction. I'm surrounded by dateless wonders who get me to sign their fucking towels.

"Suicide Note" - Douglas Adams

41.

 Ha ha ha, very amusing. Go on, take it back and pay for it. Go on.

"Steal This Book" - Abbie Hoffman

40-31

40.

 When shall we three meat again It was the best of times, it was the wordt of time Alas, poor Yorick, I blew him well

"Work in progress" - the million monkey workshop

39.

 The girl screamed once, only the once. The man tugged his wang out and made his escape.

"Nookie and crosses" - Ian Rankin

38.

 In the beginning, the Big Bang created everything.

"The Bible" - first draft

37.

 In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my head ever since.

"Incidentally, don't ever get raped by a domestic cat." he said. "Do you know why cats always howl when they have sex? They have barbed penises that destroy the vagina on the way out and it ruins you for all the other cats."
He didn't say any more, but we've always been unusually communicative in a reserved way, and I understood that he meant a great deal more than that.

"The Great Gatsby" - first draft

36.

 "And they were off, then I realized I wasn't watching a horse race but a illegal midget fight."

from unknown

35.

 "I begin the sequel to my popular first book while writing in this bunker under Berlin. In this time of reflection, it occurs to me that I may have been wrong about a few things. I am here faced with a choice. I could either catalogue these wrongs and oversights for you, gentle reader, in hopes of finding eventual enlightenment and maybe absolution, or I could simply poison and shoot myself and have somebody set me on fire. I don't know. We'll see where the day takes me."

"Mein Kampf II" - unfinished draft

34.

 "My life has been, As King of Saxony, I have, Jesus, who am I kidding? I'm not prepared for this! I haven't written anything before in my life! Fuck it, I'm doing it. Now where was I? Do I have enough parchment for this? Shit! I'm running out of ink!"

"Autobiography of Ethelred II, 'The Unready'"

33.

 "It was too quiet. He had just killed his billionth victim and still he craved more. All he had to do was remember the 157,539 digit code for the airlock else the world would implode within 4 minutes. But, he thought, there was still time for a cigarette break."

"The Little Book of Kermit"

32.

 "Jenkins stretched an index finger, pointing furiously at the Packard Bell iMedia 2315 with a 19" Widescreen TFT and an impressive 2GB memory with the ability to run multiple applications simultaneously. "Times a wastin'," he said in a bizarre French accent. He stood up and left the room, oh and by the way he ends up being the killer at the end - oh shit sorry, fuck I've ruined it! My parents were right I shouldn't have quit my job at PC world! FUCK!"

"Jenkins is the murderer - FUCK not again"

31.

 "Their are a bunch of Niggers everywhere."

"Identifying a street (actually, a boulevard) named after Martin Luther King: The KKK's comprehensive guide to American travel"

30-21

30.

 "It's two in the morning, Old Country Kitchen is closed, my kids are gone, and I'm all out of Viagra. God please take me now!"

"The Autobiography of Bob Dole"

29.

 "The air was still like a dead body. Convenient really as one was lying in the gutter like a rolling pin. Convenient really as that's what was used to kill him. The Detective slipped off his pants. No way was he going to let this one go to waste whilst it was still warm. But he didn't kill him. Or did he?"

"Detective Fetish"

28.

 "It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times."

"The Greatest Work Known to Man - A Thousand Monkeys Working at a Thousand Typewriters"

27.

 "I-O-U 1 novel."

"The Art Of Procrastination - Unknown author"

26.

 "I farted. That's when everything went downhill…"

"The Great Book of Immature Humour"

25.

 "I have constant fear that someone's always there."

"Therapy Sessions with Jim"

24.

 "Dude, I lost the Ring."

"Lord of the Rings: Gandalf's Memory Weakens with Age"

23.

 "White man came, across the sea."

"A Hypocrite Wanker's Memoir"

22.

 "The End"

"A Backwards Story"

21.

 "Yee be yonder, ho. Ma nizzle shizzl; in in ma manor wit ma homeboy knights sire!"

"Old English Philosophies with Snoop Dogg"

20-11

20.

 "Welcome to Uncyclopedia"

"Uncyclopedia"

19.

 "I have this weird feeling that people keep following me."

"God - The Bible"

18.

 "Some stayed dry and others felt the pain."

"Chocolate Rain - The Novel"

17.

 "It is often saisd12hgchm78kl09-';0-=;l'431/*+"

"The Joys of Owning Cats"

16.

 "With a spring in his step, John failed to pass his kidney stone."

"Chronicle of a Death Unforeseen"

15.

 "Slowly, ever so slowly a shot rang out… well not really rang out more like it wimpered out. See the gunpowder got wet, why was it wet? Well yes the drill instructor did tell me never use my musket to discharge my little gun but how was I to know I would need to defend myself from a wild mob of kitten huffers?

"The operation and maintenance of the blunderbus musket"

14.

 "Shut up! 50 years ago we'd have you upside down with a fucking fork up your ass! You can talk, you can talk, you can talk! You're brave now, motherfucker! Throw his ass out, he's a nigger. He's a nigger, HE'S A NIGGER!!! A NIGGER! LOOK, THERE'S A NIGGER!! Ooohhhhhh! Alright, you see? This shocks you, it shocks you to see what's buried beneath you stupid motherfuckers! It was uncalled for you to interrupt my ass you cheap motherfucker! You guys have been talkin, and talkin, and talkin'. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! What's the matter? Is this too much for you to handle? They're going to arrest me for calling a black man a nigger."

"The art of destroying your 50 year comedy career in 30 seconds" - Michael 'Kramer' Richards

13.

 "The darn sky was paisley again, I'd just taken it in for repair a month ago, why…."

The things I see after hitting my head repeatedly - Flat Head Fred

12.

 Once upon a time (no wrong) Twice upon a time (no it happened more than that) Thrice upon a time (Grrrrrrrr) Four freaking times upon a time (finally) in a Galaxy far far away (no too far) in my inner ear canal (darn too close) city called Cleveland (just right) there lived Umm errrr aaaaahh (crap) Some people 'n' stuff (Dhhoooh) a duck-billed platypus in a zoo?

11.

 "In the beginning there was nothing. Today there is something. Go base your faith on THAT you dickfucks and leave me, my wife and kids alone!"

"The Bible - The Gospel of Jesus."

10-1

9.

 "I was only 8 years old when I discovered I was a Wizzard and the thunder shaped scare on my forehead was itching. But I couldn't be a cheap rip-off of some other book right?"

Parry Hotter and the cheap rip-off

8.

 However Miley Cyrus's book starts

Miles to Go

7.

 My name is (puff puff) Shaggy, I'm a hardnosed detective and (puff puff) this is my (puff puff) partner/bodygaurd Scubby Doo (puuf puuf) the dope sniffing tracker.

Shaggy the Private Investigator and the case of the Maltese Pot shipment.

6.

 You probably have to read this book to pass your 11th grade English class. With that said, I will try my hardest to bore you to death while you read.

Some book that an 11th grader needs to read to pass English class

5.

 "When I wrote the following pages, or rather, the bulk of them…"

Puddle of Piss by Oscar Wilde

4.

 Life is getting tough, and OOH SHINY FOIL!! OH GOD I NEED IT!!

Life with ADHD, and OH MY GOD I FARTED!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

★3.

 "I think I should start by informing you Americans that I am a practicing Australian and I hate Jews worse than Hitler hated grues."

Mel Gibson's Autobiography, "Fuck you, and Other Shit."

★2.

 "it was a long night, when he got out of the bed, walked to the door, turnt and said.. goodnight nan, and winked"

A series of frankly disturbing events.

★1.

 "We're no strangers to looove. You know the rules and so do I"

R. Astley - N.G.G.Y.U. [that 'noise' was the book title, not bad constipation]

0.

 "The End…Again."

n<0

-1.

 "Holy shit!"

It makes you wonder

-2.

 "Frank walked outside and proceeded to massage his dog's nutsack."

-3.

 "It was the minor character with the most screen-time."

The Mystery of Edwin Drood Part Two by Charles Dickens

-4.

 "Once upon a time, I murdered your girlfriend. THE END."