Worst 100 Things To Say In The Workplace

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We're all working, aren't we. I mean this Credit Crunch business is all just a scare tactic to make us all buy Japanese cars, eh!

But we all want to keep those jobs. Desperately! And so here is a list of informative things that you should never say or do whilst at work. Ever. Sometimes.


100. "I haven't been able to finish that report yet, sir. I'm just way too busy at the moment screwing your daughter."

99. "Sorry I'm late, I got my arm stuck in the Cornflakes packet."

98. "You're so cute when you're angry, sir!"

97. (At a hugely important corporate business meeting with the CEO's "And as we can see, our output graph arcs double measuring our total gross net for the last fiscal year. And if I were to draw two small circles... here, and here... they look a lot like breasts. Moving your attention to our future intentions graph, I hope you can see its startling resemblance to a big, hard, throbbing cock full of all cum and semen. Just imagine it, sirs, being ridden by a flow-graph. Just imagine it, eh, eh! C'mon, work with me here!"

96. "Sir, the box of turds you received in the post this morning had NOTHING to do with me!"

95. "Sir, you might want to just destroy that hard drive in my computer instead of reassigning it..."

94. "It's obvious to me, Sir, that if you truly wanted to business to succeed then you would have let me run that illicit porn sideline from my office desk. You're just jealous because I didn't ask you to be in any of them."

93. "If our outgoings are higher than our income, does that mean I'm allowed to fuck you up the ass?"

92. "And I attest, Sir, that the water cooler was laced with piss *before* I turned in for work drunk!"

91. "Suit or nappy, I'll wear whatever the fuck I want to work, Sir!"


90. "Look at this, Sir. It's an A3 sized photograph of my erect penis."

90.1. "Didn't I tell you to stop messing around with the microscope?"

89. "Just so I'm clear on this, what level of lying am I to use? School Teacher (low), CEO (medium high), Salesman (high to very high) or Lawyer ( can't be measured it's so high) ? It's important for a janitor to know this before starting a new job."

88. "Can I ask you a question? Have you always been a female? I mean I don't mind, I'm open minded, but you were born a man, weren't you?"

87. "Just to be sure, what is it I'm meant to say when your wife calls... that you're NOT having an affair with the secretary?"

86. "I'm sorry I was just busy eating the feces out of the toilet."

85. "Go fuck yourself!"

84. "Excuse me, I was looking at you from acoss the room and I just happened to notice that you make my penis erect."

83. "i just jizzed in my pants."

82. "Wanna trade pants?"(must be said after 83)

81. "We should fuck sometime...Just me, you, and your daughter Janet."


80. "Sir, I had to delete the last 20 years accountancy data on the server to make way for GTA4. Care for a deathmatch multiplayer?"

79.9999999999999 Tell your boss you just took a steamy shit on their desk and wiped your ass with his coffee mug (while he's drinking from it).

79. "Fuck you... I preferred working for Charles Manson..."

78. "You know, I think I have a touch of this Swine Flu that's going around..."

77. "I ain't no punk bitch, neither, ya shit pisser! Fuckin cunt dork!"

76. "My favorite word is J-E-S-U-S, because Jesus saved me from my sins, and he saved you, too! You believe in Jesus, don't you? I wish I could be like Jesus, but it's really really hard to be like Jesus, but I'll try really really hard to be like Jesus, and I'm sorry to him that I killed all those kids, but if I pray to him, and pray to God, too, maybe they'll let me take baby steps and stop killing them first, and maybe then I can stop raping them, because I love Jesus and he loves me, too, and he loves you! But he really really loves kids, so I think maybe I did a bad thing, and Jesus will forgive me, because he's Jesus and that's what Jesus does, he loves and forgives, and when you go to Heaven, he gives you hugs and kisses and everyone gets their own slurpy machine."

75. "Oh boy I LOVE to touch children

74. (in the middle of a meeting)"anyone got a condom?"

73. (Scream)(boss's name)"...you son of a bitch!!!" (Proceed to arm wrestle in the air and comment on how much of a wimp he is)

72. (At a meeting with CEO) Hey (Boss' Name), didn't you have something to say about mudering the CEO's family and raping the CEO with your manginia?

71. (To boss) Do animals Masturbate? Perhaps that's the only difference they have from you


70. (In elevator) Did you just hear a cable snap?

69. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.

68. Email your boss "I know what you did last summer"

67. Park your car in the boss' parking spot. (This works well if you're Asian

66. Make a roof over your cubicle out of old soda cans.

65. Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”

64. Collect The cubes model figures. Put them in odd positions.

63. Attempt to turn yur cubicle into a missile launching station

62. Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.

61. Come to work disguised as a Dalek from Dr. Who.


60. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

59. Sing "Protect and Survive" by Runrig on youtube multiple times. Forward the video to all your coworkers.

58. Remove the wheels from your boss' car.

57. Show your coworkers this page

56. Sorry I'm late; I had to drop my girlfriend off at the animal shelter after I was done screwing that bitch.

55. Damn you got big titties! You gonna let me suck them or what?

54. I brought my gear anyone wanna play Paintball????

53. Forward 2 Girls One Cup to your FEMALE boss. If she enjoys it, write "Gay-ass nigger" on her computer monitor

52. (to the boss) God dammit, today is almost as boring as your wife!

51. Saying Fluttershy is the Best Pony


50. Circumcision

49. The time when you ejaculated during sleep

of all time…