Worst 100 Things To Say In The Workplace
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| Contents: 100-91 • 90-81 • 80-71 • 70-61 • 60-51 • 50-41 • 40-31 • 30-21 • 20-11 • 10-1 |
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We're all working, aren't we. I mean this Credit Crunch business is all just a scare tactic to make us all buy Japanese cars, eh!
But we all want to keep those jobs. Desperately! And so here is a list of informative things that you should never say or do whilst at work. Ever. Sometimes.}}
100-91[edit | edit source]
100. "I haven't been able to finish that report yet, sir. I'm just way too busy at the moment screwing your daughter."
99. "Sorry I'm late, I got my arm stuck in the Cornflakes packet."
98. "You're so cute when you're angry, sir!"
97. (At a hugely important corporate business meeting with the CEO's "And as we can see, our output graph arcs double measuring our total gross net for the last fiscal year. And if I were to draw two small circles... here, and here... they look a lot like breasts. Moving your attention to our future intentions graph, I hope you can see its startling resemblance to a big, hard, throbbing cock full of all cum and semen. Just imagine it, sirs, being ridden by a flow-graph. Just imagine it, eh, eh! C'mon, work with me here!"
96. "Sir, the box of turds you received in the post this morning had NOTHING to do with me!"
95. "Sir, you might want to just destroy that hard drive in my computer instead of reassigning it..."
94. "It's obvious to me, Sir, that if you truly wanted to business to succeed then you would have let me run that illicit porn sideline from my office desk. You're just jealous because I didn't ask you to be in any of them."
93. "If our outgoings are higher than our income, does that mean I'm allowed to fuck you up the ass?"
92. "And I attest, Sir, that the water cooler was laced with piss *before* I turned in for work drunk!"
91. "Suit or nappy, I'll wear whatever the fuck I want to work, Sir!"
90-81[edit | edit source]
90. "Look at this, Sir. It's an A3 sized photograph of my erect penis."
89. "Didn't I tell you to stop messing around with the microscope?"
88. "Just so I'm clear on this, what level of lying am I to use? School Teacher (low), CEO (medium high), Salesman (high to very high) or Lawyer ( can't be measured it's so high) ? It's important for a janitor to know this before starting a new job."
87. "Just to be sure, what is it I'm meant to say when your wife calls... that you're NOT having an affair with the secretary?"
86. "I'm sorry I was just busy eating the feces out of your wife."
85. "Go fuck yourself!"
84. "Excuse me, I was looking at you from acoss the room and I just happened to notice that you make my penis erect."
83. "i just jizzed in my pants."
82. "Wanna trade pants?"(must be said after 83)
81. "We should fuck sometime...Just me, you, and your daughter Janet."
80-71[edit | edit source]
80. "Sir, I had to delete the last 20 years accountancy data on the server to make way for GTA4. Care for a deathmatch multiplayer?"
79. "Fuck you... I preferred working with Adolf Hitler..."
78. "You know, I think I have a touch of this Swine Flu that's going around..."
77. "I ain't no punk bitch, neither, ya shit pisser! Fuckin cunt dork!"
76. "My favorite word is J-E-S-U-S, because Jesus saved me from my sins, and he saved you, too! You believe in Jesus, don't you? I wish I could be like Jesus, but it's really really hard to be like Jesus, but I'll try really really hard to be like Jesus, and I'm sorry to him that I killed all those kids, but if I pray to him, and pray to God, too, maybe they'll let me take baby steps and stop killing them first, and maybe then I can stop raping them, because I love Jesus and he loves me, too, and he loves you! But he really really loves kids, so I think maybe I did a bad thing, and Jesus will forgive me, because he's Jesus and that's what Jesus does, he loves and forgives, and when you go to Heaven, he gives you hugs and kisses and everyone gets their own slurpy machine."
75. "Oh boy I LOVE to touch children
74. (in the middle of a meeting)"anyone got a condom?"
73. (Scream)(boss's name)"...you son of a bitch!!!" (Proceed to arm wrestle in the air and comment on how much of a wimp he is)
72. (At a meeting with CEO) Hey (Boss' Name), didn't you have something to say about mudering the CEO's family and raping the CEO with your manginia?
71. (To boss) Do animals Masturbate? Perhaps that's the only difference they have from you
70-61[edit | edit source]
70. (In elevator) Did you just hear a cable snap?
69. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly.
68. Email your boss "I know what you did last summer"
67. Park your car in the boss' parking spot. (This works well if you're Asian
66. Make a roof over your cubicle out of old soda cans.
65. Put shaving cream on your boss’s telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”
64. Collect The cubes model figures. Put them in odd positions.
63. Attempt to turn yur cubicle into a missile launching station
62. Attach a sign that says "FAX" to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.
60-51[edit | edit source]
60. Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
59. Sing "Protect and Survive" by Runrig on youtube multiple times. Forward the video to all your coworkers.
58. Remove the wheels from your boss' car.
57. Show your coworkers this page
56. Sorry I'm late; I had to drop my girlfriend off at the animal shelter after I was done screwing that bitch.
55. Damn you got big titties! You gonna let me suck them or what?
54. I brought my gear anyone wanna play Paintball????
53. Forward 2 Girls One Cup to your FEMALE boss. If she enjoys it, write "Gay-ass nigger" on her computer monitor
52. (to the male boss) "God dammit, today is almost as boring as your wife!"
51. "Fluttershy is the Best Pony!"
50-41[edit | edit source]
50. "Pinky pie is the Best Pony!"
49. "Have I told you about the time when I ejaculated during sleep?"
48.Tell your boss you just took a steamy shit on their desk and wiped your ass with his coffee mug (while he's drinking from it).
47. "Can I ask you a question? Have you always been a female? I mean I don't mind, I'm open minded, but you were born a man, weren't you?"
46.Come to work in a full fur suit and growl at all your coworkers that ask if you need mental help.
45.When your boss calls you into there office for doing number 46 starts to take off your clothes and when the boss asks what the hell is going on says I thought you wanted to “yiff”.
44.Timmy Turner has delicious smegma.
43.Come to the office in full ahego gear and continually moan whenever they ask questions about your clothes
42.Wanna see my MLP cum jar?
41.I wish Saul Goodman was my dad.
40-31[edit | edit source]
40.Candy
39.Telling your boss a “your mum” joke
38.Literally doing your job apparently
37.Fuck you Jack I did what you told me to you ass
36.Reddit moment
35.“Doin’ ya mom”
34.Get a Penis ID lock for your desk
33.Telling your New-Yorker Boss "9/11 was the greatest basket in history. Michael Jordan got nothing on Osama bin Ballin"
32.Joe mama V2
31.I just cummed on this list
30-21[edit | edit source]
30.Telling the Company Banker "Hitler did nothing wrong"
29.Eating a Canadian Dog infront of your boss, Apparently my Boss thinks Canada is Real
28.Getting Minimum Wages and showing up with a Winchester and 17 years of Trauma
27.Singing the "Theres No Cock like Horse Cock"in a meeting with your CEO
26.Running out of things to write on a list on Uncyclopedia
25.Giving your Boss Syphilis
24.Doin ya Grandma
23.Walking in the middle of the entire office, Jumping on a 8 feet Table, Doing the Cha Cha Slide, Throwing Racoons at your boss, And then giving them Syphilis again.
22.Killing your Bosses entire Family and calling it a "Wholesome 100 funny amongus troll prank :troll:troll:troll:trool:
21.Tackling your Boss, Holding a knife to his throat, And then shouting "WHERES THE MONEY LEBOWSKI"
20-11[edit | edit source]
20.Looking at the Trailer Park Boys Page
19.Making Blue Sky crystal meth
18.Saying something that's said
17.Said Said Said Said Said
16.Screaming "WILLY ON WHEELS ON WHEELS ON WHEELS ON WHEELS ON WHEELS 1000x to your jackass of a boss
15.your boss tells you no before you say anything and you respond but last night you were screaming yes yes yes
14.pp poopoo boner fart
13.I love big juicy men balls
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10-1[edit | edit source]
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1.“I want you to fart in my mouth. ”
0.“ We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I (do I) A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it (say it) Inside, we both know what's been going on (going on) We know the game and we're gonna play it And if you ask me how I'm feeling Don't tell me you're too blind to see Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching, but you're too shy to say it (to say it) Inside, we both know what's been going on (going on) We know the game and we're gonna play it I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you”