Worst 100 Money Making Schemes of All Time
~ Some Guy on Spam
Yes! It is complete. Under Jesus' approval, and a few Uncyclopedia users the article of the worst 100 money making schemes of all time has been launched! This will help you on your way to be a millionaire!*
*Warning: Results not guaranteed...
- 100. get paid to get rid of your mom
seriously they will give you much more money than you think. when you get rid of her you will have so much googolplexes of money you will be able to raise an army to overthrow GOD HIMSELF.
- 99. Sell all your internal organs.
Spend you money fast you don't have much time.
Invest in Stocks and Shares.
- 97. The Ed, Edd n Eddy Scheme.
Not good. Their plans don't work out, neither should yours. Period. (Besides, who would have that much time on their hands?!)
- 96. Write to companies asking for them to pay you for wearing shirts with their logo.
We use ourselves as free adspace all the time, why should someone with a 12' x 8' billboard get money for the same "Swoosh" logo you wear on your shirt? You could even offer to walk up to people on the street and tell them to "just do it." Athletes receive even more than their sports earnings simply to wear a shirt with the "Reebok" on it. So, don't give yourself up as free adspace anymore! While you're at it, you could sell your arms to read "Dr. Van Nostren's Hair Removal", your legs to read "Vans", and, for those intimate parts, "Trojan". (Note: This scheme may work better with struggling bands. Stay after a concert an propose the same thing to the opening act.)
Following the critical fault in the American release date of Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children, a highly anticipated movie with a rabid fan-base, the Japanese subtitle version has been downloaded ad nauseum, while the American release date is still TBA. And with rumors of Lance Bass playing the role of the demonic Sephiroth, it is almost a statistical certainty that the CEO of Square-Enix will be fired. Why not get in on the action early and apply right now? Anyone with a twelve-year-old's understanding of economics is viable for the job, as has been proven thus far.
- 94. Write a book about how people can get rich quick.
Don't just sit there! You too can be a part of the action! All you need is your "10 Steps to Successanomics" to write about, splice in a bit of Lyndon LaRouche's autobiography, and have a gimmick for your cover shot. Among those you can choose:
- Slick, executive-looking type. Your picture should feature you with your arms folded, prominently displaying your gold-plated Folex. And always remember, your hair can never have enough grease.
- Eccetric man with secrets those fatcats don't want you to know. Your wardrobe should include a suit of an odd color with punctuation marks sewn on, "?" to imply the mystery of the economy to the common man, "!" for the go-go attitude needed for success, and "." to imply your intentness on making money. ":';/\" usable, but not recommended.
- Poor man-turned-mogul look. Get the appeal of the common man by wearing a plaid flanel shirt and overalls, and generally looking like the "Brawny Guy." Construction hat a plus.
So don't just sit there! You can tell people they can be rich too! TODAY!
- 93. Participate in a Matthew Lesko Scheme
- Wanna rip off hard working taxpayers? All you have to do read all of his books, go to all of his seminars, see all his tapes, and maybe you can find some federal program which suits you the best. Then apply for the money and it's all yours. Sure, you might have to do some paperwork to show that you're complying with the program, but that's filed by some bureaucrat who just wants to make enough money to retire, so you don't have to do shit Warning, failure to complete the paperwork may result in a fraud conviction.
- 92. Affiliate yourself with Jack Abramoff
- This scheme is the best of two traditions, screwing taxpayers, and screwing Native Americans! The benefit of this one is that it can get you involved with Congressmen, so you can control the back doors of power. Of course, this one requires money to spend before you can start, and a total lack of decency.
- 91. Here, Swallow this Condom!
- When you get back across the border vomit it up and make sure you give it to Raul on 5th Street in downtown LA. Make sure you're wearing red. Also, make sure it doesn't burst in your stomach.
- 90. Become a cast member of The Real World
- All you will do the rest of your life will be to party, show up on oodles of "Gauntlet-type" shows, and eventually go on to make appearances at local Safeways. Note: This fate is far worse if you have a nickname, such as "Goober", or "The Miz".
- 89. Corner an unorthodox futures market
- Start hoarding an arbitrary substance like pond scum or smeg in hope that demand goes way up for some reason and you can sell it to desperate consumers.
- 88. Sue an Orphanage
- No one has ever done it before, so they must have great liability coverage. And they're always getting donations so they probably have lots of money too.
- 87. Starting an Internet Company
- What is this, 1998?
- 86. The Jeffery Loria School of Profiting off of Major League Baseball
- First buy a moderately successful team, then make obscene demands from the city for a new stadium. When they don't give it to you go on firesale of all of your good talent and drive the fragile attendance into the ground. Then sell the team back to Major League Baseball for an obscene profit and repeat!
- 89. Impersonate the heir to the fortune of deposed Nigerian Royalty
- All it requires is harvesting e-mail addresses and modifying a similar e-mail to suit your needs, which claims that you are in possession of a large sum of money want to split it with total strangers in the United States in exchange for funneling it through their bank account.
- 88. Sell your semen to Duracell
- Seriously, they pay $5.00 a millilitre. Apparently that's the active ingredient in batteries. But your balls will be drained dry after about a week.
- 87. Scam old people
- Dress up as a duck and waddle around in a pond collecting bread from old people. Once you have a large stash sell it all back to the old people as supreme duck food.
- 86. Cows
- Sell your cow for three beans...
- 85. Send Bank account number to that guy in nigeria
- Wait for millions to arrive. It's so stupid, It JUST MIGHT WORK. (Note: No it won't)
- 84. Steal underpants
Step 1 Steal underpants.
Step 2 ???
Step 3 PROFIT!
- 82. Take over the world. Now you have all the money in the world. Duh.
- 81. Invest all your money into an up and coming company
- After using one of these other ingenious schemes use your infinite funds to hire scientists to research time travel and invent a time machine. When this is done go back to the year 2001 and invest all your money into a company called Enron. Then all you have to do is play the waiting game...
- 80. Become an Urban Legend
- Check into hotel under alias
- Go to hotel bar and pick up a stranger
- Put sedative in their drink
- Take them to your room
- Harvest their kidney.
- Sell on black market.
(Remember: common courtesy dictates the leaving of a note suggesting immediate medical attention.)
- 79. 9/11 podcasting
Release the final recordings of the passengers of flight 11 as they prepare to make history in podcast form. Episodes include "I'm so proud to be American on a day like this" and "One small step for man, one giant burning building for New York".
- 78. Go to Vegas
- Go to a roulette table
- Bet a thousand dollars on black
- If you won collect money and go back to step 2 if you lose proceed step 4
- Double previous bet and continue to step 3
- 77. Become a drug courier
- Just go to any drug dealer and tell them to sew packets of cocaine in your back so you can get past airport security! (Beware of surgical pins left in your back)
- 76. Steal money from the offering plate
- On a Sunday morning, when your pockets are light, just grab a handful as the plate comes by. (Bonus points if it's a Catholic church!)
- 75. Get people to send you money
- Publish an advert in a newspaper saying if people send you $10, you can tell them how to become millionaires. Wait until enough people are stupid enough to send you $10 that you become a millionaire. Tell everyone how you did it. Works every time!
- 74. Steal from a hobo
- What are they gonna spend that money on, anyways? Booze? There's gotta be at least $40 in there...
- 73. Hack the Encyclopædia Dramatica Server
- Bad idea since it contains nothing remotely useful there.
- 72. Run a protection racket at a kindergarten
- The little kids will be so scared they will give you anything.
- 71. Scam old people (again)
- Befriend an old person (with no family). When suitable friendly, stand outside their window at night dressed as the grim reaper. If successful, they will have a heart attack and you will be mentioned in their will. Reap the rewards.
- 70 Get a freewebs page and fill it with so many pop up adverts and banner ads that any sod stupid enough to go on it will have their computer crashed by approximately 9.99*10^99999999 ads saying "You are a winner"!!!
- 69. Price-gouge
- Rent a building and put a sign out front that reads "0 socks for a million dollars! Buy Today!" and then go up to random people walking by and demand that they pay for the 0 socks you sold them.
- 68. Sue McDonald's
- Spill hot coffee in your lap, get 3rd degree burns so your skin is burned off, requiring skin grafts, call Hillary Clinton, and get her to ban Hot Coffee and all sorts of innocent beverages, with all lost proceeds paid by the U.S. Government to you.
- 67. Melt down pennies
- Get a pile of pennies, melt them down, and sell the metals in them for their actual value of 1.4 cents per penny. Then go to the bank with the money you earned and exchange it for more pennies. Same works for Nickels.
- 66. Melt down dollars
- Get a pile of dollars, melt them down, and sell the ashes in them for their actual value of 0.00001 cents per dollar. Then go to the bank with the money you earned and exchange it for more dollars. Same works for Diamonds.
- 65. Scam tourists
- Tell an unsuspecting Japanese tourist that due to the ballooning national debt, the Washington Monument is on sale for a low low price of however much you think they would actually put down. To make it sound believable, use big words like "ballooning."
- 64. Sell Celebrity trash
- A little dumbster diving can net huge profit. I hear somebody is offering 200 for one of Angelina Jolie's half eaten meals.
- 63. Sell your friends into the sex trade
- and with the money you make, you can make new friends and start again!
- 62. Get sponsored to perform an amazing act like David Blaine! We suggest not eating for a whole month. Or if that's too hard, try not eating breakfast for a whole month. Or not eating breakfast one day.
- 61. Say it's for charity. Come on, everybody does it! Some people say the World Wildlife Fund doesn't even exist!
- 60. Park your boat in the middle of the ocean, declare it a nation and print your own money.
- Claim your dollars are interchangeable with U.S. Dollars and go on a buying spree. Bonus points for having your picture on the money.
- 59. Mime Stalker.
- Become a mime and follow people around until they pay you to stop, repeat until your rich.
- 46. Cut your fingers off and put them in various fast-food items
- - chili, sandwiches, milkshakes, etc. Next, file lawsuits for each missing digit. However, you will have to use your toes to sign the settlement agreements.
- 45. Start a dog crap removal business
- Charge $14.99 per pound of crap picked up from the premises. After collecting enough shit travel down to the local greenhouse and sell the stuff as a "premium fertilizer" and make twice the amount of money.
- 44. Report your parents as dead
- Send your elderly parents on a vacation to a distant island and while they are gone report them as dead. You then collect from life insurance. When they return, use the money earned to buy more tickets. Repeat.
- 43. Sell your neighbor's stuff on eBay.
- 42. Join a pyramid marketing scheme that already has reached market saturation at the bottom.
- 41. Google Adsense. $0.03 a click is good if you are the number one search engine.
- 40. Google Adwords. See above.
- 39.8346. Donate to a tax write off charity. It only works for rich old bastards
- 39. Find uber rare yahoo, google, and hotmail email address of the iPhone and Wii to sell on eBay and craigslist, even though you'll get flagged down on craigslist because you're posting a link to eBay, and you'll get flagged down on eBay 'cause you can't use the keyword "Nintendo" if you're not selling a Nintendo product.
- 22. Get A Job at Viacom
Spend your time stealing people's YouTube video,you get $50 for every video you steal (Viacom gets over $5000 for every video stolen so its no big deal to them)
- 21. Alchemy
Discover the secret of turning lead into gold. Alchemy is not stupid and outdated. It's not! Issac Newton spent years attempting to discover the secrets of alchemy and he was probably way smarter than you. On the other hand, since he was smarter than you, you probably won't do as well as he did and he did jack. You might fail so badly you'll discover how to turn gold into lead.
Ooh wait, here's an idea: buy some gold, use your skills in reverse alchemy to turn all the gold in Fort Knox into lead and watch the price of your own gold skyrocket. It's sort of like the plot to the movie Goldfinger. Remember to hire a stocky Asian strongarm with a razor sharp hat.
- 20. Investment Haunting
Find an undervalued piece of real estate that's ripe for redevelopment or that contains an abandoned silver mine. Using masks, film projectors and other simple stage effects convince the locals that the land is haunted, cursed or inhabited by monsters. Avoid floral print vans, meddling kids and their good-fer-nothing dogs.
- 19. Beanie Babies
Shrewdly invest in the the white hot collectors market of Beanie Babies. While there's been a slump recently Beanie Baby experts expect limited edition Beanie Babies to come back strong in 2008 and to exceed their outlandishly inflated late 90's prices. Be sure to stock up on official Ty brand Beanie Baby ear tag protectors and collector's cases so your investment is protected.
- 18. Sell your organs to science.
All of them
- 17. Be a Professional Treasure Hunter
Buy a metal detector and hope that your local public beach was built over an unknown-until-now secret pirates hideaway. You never know...
- 16. Cash upgrading
With a one dollar bill and a magic marker make yourself a ten dollar bill, or a hundred, or a million! Almost nobody's seen a million dollar bill so nobody knows which president is on it. Tell people's that it's George Washington's lesser known twin brother, Mel.
- 15. Common Phrases
Trademark common phrases like "Hey there." and "What's up" so people will have to pay you every time they use them.
- 14. Jarjar Binks Facial Tattoos
- Get Jarjar Binks tatooed on your cheeks and forehead.
- 13. Delete a part of this list
- WHERES MY MONEY ALREADY?!
- 12. Sue yourself for molesting yourself.
- 11. Sell yourself.
- 10. Buy money
- Come on. Buying money? Well... it might work... hmm...
- 9. Sell money
- see above.
- 8. Sell your mother.
Orphans pay good money for mothers. They're addicted to that shit.
- 7. Loot Fort Knox
- The U.S. hasn't used the gold standard for years, so what do they need it for? You don't even have to take it all; it's not like they sit there counting each brick.
- 6. Buy all the tickets in a lottery
- "Odds of winning are approximately 1 in 1."
- 5. Make no more than two hit albums or movies, then die
- Do you think Kurt Cobain and James Dean made their fortunes by living? Get real.
- 4. Become an Exxon-Mobil CEO
- Those bastards are raking in $27 Billion a year! And it's off the working man's back!
- 3. Sell Indulgences
- Sure, the Catholics supposedly got rid of this practice almost 500 years ago, but not everyone knows that!
- 2. Start a cult
- Earn lots of dough by convincing people that giving you money gets them into heaven! Hey, it worked for L. Ron Hubbard!
- 1. Buy A Mac.
- .5. Let's rob mick jagger