Beanie Baby

An angry Beanie Baby uses a hammer to try to smash-and-grab from a parked car during a snowstorm.

A Beanie Baby is a furry animal. They are among Earth's most sensitive life forms, so aware of the wars, famines, and drama raging across the planet that they usually refuse to move or even eat. They just sit there. However, that is their charm.

Zoologists put Beanie Babies in the same phylum as grues because of body hair and occasionally aggressive behavior.

During their heyday, Beanie Babies could be purchased for $5-7 from many common retailers, including card shops and supermarkets. Currently, they are available for $5-7 from antique shops, some reputable crack dealers, the local flea market, or eBay (the world's flea market). Beanie Baby investors can see that this is a year-to-year capital appreciation of zero percent. That is a low return, which is why so many investors try to "make it up on volume."

Invention

Not to be confused with that Beanie Baby

Beanie Babies were invented by Ty Warner on the frozen steppe of Illinois, a patch of land that is now a part of China. Warner was a serial killer who was never brought to justice.

Warner lured single men to the woods with the promise of sex with beautiful women. The victims were never seen again, and their bodies may have become the Beanie Babies. Investigators sent into those woods to find the missing persons likewise disappeared. Thousands of people may have been lured into Warner's deadly net during his lifetime but none ever returned to tell the story. Only after Warner died was the secret revealed. By then, it was too late. Millions of Beanie Babies had been released into the world and are still around to this day.

Animal types made

When Beanie Babies tire of their normal skin, they may take other animal forms, including, in alphabetical order, bears, birds, cats, cows, dogs, Etcetera, fish, gorillas, horses, lions, monkeys, pigs, snakes, and tigers.

Uses

Beanie Babies have the following uses:

As a children's toy

Beanie Babies are given to children as punishment for naughty behavior. For a child, possession of a Beanie Baby is shameful. It is impossible for such a child to get rid of a Beanie Baby. If they try to dump it off somewhere, it'll continually follow them around. The only actual way for the child to lose the Beanie Baby is for the parent or other adult to lift the punishment and remove it. That does not always happen.

As pets

In some jurisdictions, the owner must put Beanie Babies on a leash, and clean up after it.

Some people adopt Beanie Babies as pets. They attach a collar around the neck of the Beanie Baby, pretend to feed it, then walk it and let it piss in the park. This is a good way to attract women. Conversely, if you see a woman with a Beanie Baby in a stroller, you can break the ice with opening lines such as, "Ooh, how old is it?" --If you really think there's any future in that.

Beanie Babies during the daytime are not alive like real animals. They are simply like all other inanimate objects. But at night, there is a way to make them come to life. Anyone who is in possession of a magic tablet can have their Beanie Babies come to life during the night. If you put the tablet on your nightstand, any Beanie Babies that are in bed with you will be alive during the night. If it is a cat or dog or perhaps a hamster, it’ll cuddle up with you and give you love like a real animal does. But beware! You don’t want to take the lions and tigers and bears to bed with you. They can eat you up!

As tricks

A popular game with Beanie Babies is to take one of an animal often feared or disdained by others and sneak it into a place where they are likely to soon occupy, such as a chair, couch, or bed. You do it in such a way that they don’t notice at first when they enter the room. Then when they go to take their seat, either by pulling the chair out from the table or uncovering their blankets, they are surprised to or even scared to find this animal there. Favorites for this game include lions and tigers and bears, (oh my) and even spiders, snakes, and bats.

In crime

Beanie Babies are ideal for smuggling. Their foam stuffing can be removed and the Beanie Baby can be stuffed with cocaine, pornography, or other contraband. After all, how foolish would a customs agent feel fiddling around with a stuffed toy?

Other versions of Beanie Babies

Beanie Buddies are large Beanie Babies. They have grown because they have eaten a lot of people, and are likely to eat more. They have become deceptively soft and cuddly, leading people to be attracted to them.

Owners of large Beanie Buddies sometimes go into business with them. For example, Henry Ford had Beanie Buddies named Edsel Ford and Ford Falcon. He passed them off as his brothers. Likewise Walt Disney. The allure here is that an industrialist can grant stock options to these dolls and keep them for himself.

The largest Beanie Buddies of all, Peace and Schweetheart, are never seen in the executive suite.

Teenie Beanies are miniature Beanie Babies that McDonald's serves on trays or in paper sacks at lunchtime. Some Teenie Beanies hide in boxes of Chicken McNuggets. They are tiny because they do not like to eat and have offered their servings to someone else. They often die of abject hunger.

Pillow Pals are a soft version of Beanie Buddies. Unlike Beanie Buddies, they have not eaten any people. They are just large because children have fed them and taken care of them. They are the gentle giants among the Beanie Babies.