Hamsters

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“*Explosion noise*”

~ Microwaves on hamsters

“AAAAAAAA!”

~ 5-year-olds on putting their hamster in a microwave

Ah, yes, hamsters. Known for absolutely nothing except for dying in the weirdest ways possible. Be honest, how many hamsters have you seen die peacefully? That's right, none. And if you answered something other than that, you're living in the Matrix. Known for stuffing their fat faces with anything remotely edible, eating their babies, living in your walls, escaping through the smallest holes in their cages possible, eating their babies, being fat, dying in the most ridiculous ways possible, eating their babies, and eating their babies.

I had 2 hamsters like this. One had a little white spot on her head. they lived almost 4 years. Probably the only hamsters to ever die a peaceful death.

Did I mention eating their babies?

Overview

I've seen hamsters before, and they look like smaller versions of rats, bigger versions of grasshoppers, and chubbier versions of your mom. But unlike rats, grasshoppers, and your mom, they just spontaneously combust. I saw a study that said 9 out of 10 hamsters exploded within minutes of being born, with the rest waiting until they're adopted to explode.

The fat bastard.

Habits

Eating

40% of what hamsters do is eating. All. Fucking. Day. They'll eat anything in eating distance. Woodchips. People. The moon. Even their own poop. Speaking of poop...

Pooping

Hamsters can poop out ten times their own weight when they eat anything. They can also launch a special "poop-jectile" and time it strategically to land right on humans' faces. When a hamster is in a cage, it will either try to get out, spontaneously combust, or paint the walls of their cage with poop in a phenomenon known as poocassoing. About 20% of a hamster's daily life is spent pooping.

Sleeping

Psst... wake up. Wake up, man. WAKE THE FUCK UP!

When they aren't eating, pooping, or dying, hamsters sleep. 35% of hamster life is sleeping. Almost all they do when you actually want to see them.

Dying

At any moment, a hamster may die in an unfathomably ridiculous manner. Like when I accidentally stepped on some kid's hamster that got out. Or when that 5-year-old puts one in the microwave.

Famous hamsters

• Hams McClellan, first president of Hamsteria
• Bobby Hamsterdam, leader of the Hamsterdam Revolution where hamsters took over Amsterdam and called it Hamsterdam
• The hamster from Hampsterdance
• Richard Hammond

See also

• Rodent

• Idiot

• Death

• Mini

• Richard Hammond