Saruman

Saruman and Josef Mengele work on a new type of biochemical weaponry.

“Come to me my creatures.”

~ Saruman to his followers

“Listen to my words, you faceless cowards.”

~ Saruman to his enemies

“FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!”

~ Saruman in general

“You know, you really need to get yourself a Lego set.”

~ Teridax to Saruman

“The best wizzard in the universe!”

~ Count Dooku

Saruman the White is an ancient and powerful Wizard, currently residing in Hell. His hobbies include water-polo, sucking up to the Devil, and "accidently" poking people with his pointy stick.

Born in 1837 BCE, at precisely ∞˚celsius, Saruman spent much of his life in the shade of his older brother Gandalf (and if you're always dressed in shiny white clothing, it'll piss you off to no end if you're forever in someone else's shade). Whilst being skilled in the ways of magick and diplomacy, Saruman became gradually bored with life as a good guy and began doing some very bad things. He forged links with the Nazi Party and their top scientist Joseph Mengele (see right), developing the latest in pointy stick technology to attack the Allies meanwhile allying himself with other quirky types such as Joseph Stalin, Mr. Rogers, and Walt Disney. He also rapidly began work on a genetic engineering program, uniting the races of Orcs and goblin-men, forming the dreaded Uruk-Hai (although there are rumours he simply took football hooligans and spray-painted them grey). He soon waged a war against Middle-Earth, but once again ran afoul of the authorities and was banished (by means of painful death) to Legoland.

Post-Death

A younger, happier Saruman practicing bass guitar for the band Symphony X

Not long after arriving in Hell (Legoland), Saruman started doing evil again. For three years he did minor evildoings, including setting fire to all the toiletpaper in restaurant lavatories, stealing Donald Trump's toupé glue, and convincing Madonna to do a comeback. But it wasn't until he convinced Blizzard to make WoW that Satan noticed him, and promoted him to Demon.

Encouraged by his masters approval of his works, Saruman started work on bigger things. He gathered the most evil souls he could find; his former friend Josef Mengele, Jack the Ripper, Henry VIII, Bill Gates, and the guy who invented the teletubbies. He had created N'Sync. With the world at its knees, Saruman was granted life by God, in return for the death of N'Sync. He immediately set out to find and kill his older brother.

Second Life

Enlisting the help of Pat Robertson and L. Ron Hubbard, the two most diabolically evil men in history, he created the one thing he knew for sure would kill Gandalf. Unfortunately, before their work was complete Pat Robertson found out that Saruman had worked for the nazis, whom Pat saw as "Bleeding heart liberals". Pat destroyed all the work, and left the project. Hubbard and Saruman tracked him down and tried to kill him, but couldn't since pure evil is indestructible. Saruman returned to Hell to become Satan's best friend, and Hubbard went back to his science class project, Scientology. While at hell, he cooperated with Teridax to do evil deeds. Some claim it was Teridax behind all of Saruman's later speeches, like "You cannot destroy me, for I am the truly awesome and invincible Ayatollah" and "Toa Lhikan alone could not defeat me... how could you?"

Resurrection by the Devil

The Ayatollah before(left) and after(right) his 1979 resurrection by the Devil

Saruman was resurrected by the Devil himself briefly in the late 1970's and was assigned his new title "The Ayatollah" which was granted to him by the Devil. He was then instructed by the Devil to lead a revolution in Iran in 1979 which resulted in millions of Iranians fleeing their country. However the evil doings of the Ayatollah quickly exceeded that of the Devil himself, creating fierce competition in evil deeds between himself, the Devil, and North American oil companies. This was to the extend that less than a decade later he was called upon to return to the depths of hell once again, because as the Devil put it "...(The Ayatollah) is really making me look bad!!! I can't compete with this guy!!! I've created way too much of a competition for myself. I kid you mortals not, this guy's got some real issues!!!"

Personal Life

The fearsome Uruk-Hai were bitches. He enjoyed seeing Orcs and Humans fornicate together (an interest shared with Satan, and possibly influenced by Teridax, who forcibly made the biomechanical Matoran fornicate), and does everything in his power to see the act itself. As this counts as Bestiality in several countries, Saruman is frequently on the run from law enforcement agencies. In 1999 a major Orc/Human internet pornography ring was infiltrated and then destroyed by Gandalf, who reported that Saruman was at its head. A large pointy tower (which bears a striking resemblance to Saruman's pointy stick) in Isengard was raided by police, and several thousand indecent images were found. Although no evidence was found linking Saruman to these images, a warrant was put out for his arrest. However, under Satan's protection, Saruman is (in his words) "immune to lawz n shit".

Historical Controversy

Saruman is also recorded in the books of the Old Testament. the Koran and Harry Potter. In it, Saruman is blessed by God with wisdom, and is the wisest man who will ever live. Gandalf, his older, much more handsome brother, meanly kicked him in the balls, and lead to a horrible misunderstanding when J.R.R Tolkien saw the fight which ensued and started writing horrible, vicious slander

The War of the Ring

Saruman wrecked massive devastation over middle earth during his reign of terror. The first and most evil act of Saruman was to call forth a snow storm over a snowy mountaintop. Thus, he delayed the travel of several people trying to destroy a precious ring which rightly belonged to the Citizens' Mordor Cultural Antiquities Board (CMCAB). Another evil act of Saruman was his imprisonment of the wizard Gandalf the Grey who had violated several fireworks regulations when he had visited Shire National Park the previous year. Finally, Saruman bred a race of super orcs to invade New Zeland. The furious battle of Helm's Deep caught the attention of the United Nations War Crimes Tribunal, as the defenders used child soldiers in blatant violation of International Law.

Controversy struck Saruman at his fortress, Isengard, as well. The wizard came under fire from several prominent environmental groups for chopping down trees to feed the fires of his factories. After the Battle of Helm's Deep, Greenpeace dispatched its elite squad of walking trees known as Environmental Nut Trees (ENTs). The ENTs, who many have labeled environmental terrorists, occupied and flooded Isengard by tearing down an illegal dam. Saruman later escaped Isengard and fled to the Shire where he created tens of thousands of blue-collar jobs by opening up steel mills and other industrial factories.

Allegations of Antisemitism

J.K. Rowling has accused Saruman of being antisemitic. Never mind the fact that her own take on the goblin race portrays fantasy creatures as a race of hook-nosed bankers, lawyers, craftsmen and financiers who are cast out from society due to their insular nature. No, that's not anti-semitic at all.

The Lord of the Rings