Mount Doom

The Cracks of Doom. There's a joke in there. Somewhere.

Mount Doom (Spanish: Amon Amarth) is the highest mountain in Mexico and one of the most active volcanoes evar. It is the subject of several paintings, novels, poems and plays. It was first taken over by a tribe of evil hamsters, but they died after the Russian Revolution as they fed on communism. The volcano is not currently active. It takes its name from a prominent mole on the upper lip of Condi Rice.

Origins

Mount Doom was created by J.R.R. Tolkien to aid in the destruction of the worlds most dangerous croissant. It was grown, like all volcanoes, from a volcano seed which is 9/10ths OMGfire! 1/10th larva. Since its creation, a large community of gypsies have traveled around the base of the mountain once every 2 and a half years. But nobody cares about gypsies. The name "Mount Doom" which Tolkien gave his creation was apparently inspired by a ZZ Top song, but no-one knows which one. Or maybe it was just all the drugs Tolkien took. (Unsurprisingly, Tolkien was an habitual kitten huffer.)

Wildlife

Mt. Doom's wildlife is rich and varied. There are trees and mosses and stuff. Also mice and rats and things. And hobbitses.

Trees

Mt. Doom is the only place where one can find the "tolkien acid flashback" talking trees. They are the only breed of tree capable of talking. It is due to them, in fact, that the ancient "tree falls in empty woods" paradox. Yeah they make a sound, dumbass.

Other breeds of tree include Oak, Spruce, Redwood, Oakwood, Sprucewood, Red, Oakspruce, Redspruce, Redoakwood and Red Oaksprucewood

Mordor Jalapeños

Grown in the fiery underbelly of Mt. Doom known as Rosie O'Donnell's crotch, Mordor Jalapeños are the spiciest of the spicy. They may tickle your fancy but they'll motherfuck your guts. Eat them at your own will.

It is not recommended that you stand behind someone who eats Mordor Jalapeños. It is rumored that Emo Hitler died when Eva Braun's big barrel ass unloaded on Emo Hitler's face during a wicked 69 session after she just ate Mordor Jalapeños at the local Rico's Pizza Palace fresh salsa bar. His skin melted off of his bones and fell to the ground. Some random jew named sweet baby Jesus (a.k.a. Zombie Jesus) came by to pick it up and made a coat out of it. However, he is now bored of this coat and is looking for a new one. Rumor has it that he's targeting you! Except, he's thinking about making a blanket out of you because you're so effing fat... lardass.

Hobbitses

The hobbit (plural hobbitses) are a short hairy-footed son-of-a-midget bastard freakshow race of little homonids who spend most of their lives eating, going on epic adventures and getting involved in gay innuendos. Contrary to popular belief, not all hobbitses are homosexuals; if they were, where would baby hobbitses come from? Correct. Delivered by Gandalf.

Larvae

Mt. Doom is the only volcano which spews out baby insects, rather than super heated rock and magma... No-one is quite sure why. Doom-Larva are little red firefly-like creatures in their larval stage but morph into disgruntled Sumo Chickens by the fallowing season.

Mt. Doom in literature

Mt. Doom has featured in media of all sorts with varying degrees of success. Tourism has risen though, especially to the well-known flower-gardens at the rear entry. It's also featured in such works by J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, C.S. Lewis' Alice in Wonderland, L. Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz, and Saint Peter's How To Avoid The Trap Door At The Pearly Gates.

Film

Peter Jackson's Sadistic Endurance test

The PJSET, the brainchild of Peter Jackson, the worlds most deviously evil sheep, is a sport which was developed entirely to test the endurance of the cinema going public. The idea is to dress in the most ridiculous costume one can find, preferably with a weapon of some kind and silly ears, and then sit with your feet stuck to the floor for as long as possible. Disguised as a film, and featuring Mt. Doom in a prominent role, this "sportutainment" was a huge success and will be a new event at the 2017 Olympics.

Dante's Peak

Dante's peak was an unsuccessful James Bond film where Thomas Crown had to attack a mountain (played ably by Mt. Doom) with a jeep while protecting Sarah Connor from der Gubernator.

Book

Tolkien's memoirs

Mt. Doom features prominently in the memoirs of J.R.R.O.M.G.W.T.F.B.B.Q. Tolkien, the creator of the volcanoe. There are 3 chapters devoted to the creation of the mountain which list the stages of volcano creation in almost pornographic detail. The theory is that Tolkien was off his tits when he wrote his memoirs and that a lot of the stages in the creation were products of the psychoactive compounds in his bloodstream. The bit about how the fairies and worms farted OMGfire into seed form during his brief sojourn on Venus is particularly suspect, as the fairies and worms on Venus are notoriously unfriendly.

Make your own

In order to make you own Mount Doom, you need the following:

- 3 cups of pure galaxy - 1 bar of soap - 1 Heaping Enchilada counter - 7 ordinary computer manufacturers - 1 romantic rhinoceros designer - 1000 robe launchers - 1 19 year old hot chick - the ability to read - 5 GOLDEN RINGS!!!! - a dinosaur - a holographic Charizard (japanese) - Cartman's Left Shoe - and a partridge in a pear tree

Combine all of these items into a bowl, light on fire and leave ignited for exactly 10 seconds. Then, put bowl into a microwave safe oven preheated to 9000 degrees. Leave to cook for around 7 years. then take it out (safety first, cause it might be a little bit warm). Then bring it to the middle of the ghetto, since nobody really lives there, and place on the ground. Form a circle of 297 hired Mexicans around the object. Instruct them to start singing Free Bird in perfect unison, and before your eyes, it will appear, Will Smith, to sing the Fresh Prince of Bel-air theme song. By then you should have gotten far enough away to see the bowl start to grow, engulfing and destroying the ghetto, the Mexicans, and Will Smith, and with a little bit of luck it will be Mount Doom

Mt. Doom myths

There are a lot of myths that surround Mt. Doom. Among them is the persistent rumour that Satan lives in a camper van on the outskirts of the mountain (close to the flower gardens). This is quite obviously bollocks. Satan CAN afford a hut, and it is near the elevator.

Another persistent rumour is that Mt. Doom is a volcano. This is false. It is a volcanoe. How people can ever confuse the two is utterly baffling.

Scientists have theorized that the lava spewed by Mt. Doom is not actually lava, but super-heated molten rock.

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