Gollum
Once a reasonable hobbit-like person, and known formerly as Sméagol, Gollum eventually became a slimy, bling-obsessed, fish-fancying, flesh eater. A mongrel who sulked around and brooded over a damned ring that he had to kill for in order to steal it from his cousin Déagol. Who happened to steal it from the river that had been trying to kill him. That the river just kept on rolling along. That Old Man River held the golden ring for ages. It was said to be immune to being invisible. There are conflicting opinions of all of this. The contents of the river bed may have been invisible enough for Déagol's eyes to spot it in order to grab it in the first place when a fish pulled him out of the boat and dragged him down to the bottom. But the ring may have just shrunk after being in cold water after all those years. Whatever the case, it was Déagol's fishing companion that obtained the ring. Sméagol was his name at the time before it was changed, apparently legally by the townsfolk, to Gollum.
Of course, Sméagol would murder for the ring, taking it from Déagol. Sméagol figured that his friend would put the ring on and kill him. This was his reasoning, although Déagol never actually put the ring on to test its powers. But Sméagol was already paranoid and murdering the simpleton and taking it were acceptable terms. Then he realized it made people invisible. "Sorry chump! You were a bit late and now look at your stupid ass! Being all dead and shit." Gollum said to Déagol, as he kicked his corpse off the banks of the river and let the rest of the hungry fish finish him off. For a single, pint-sized twit, it was this guy alone that caused such a ruckus, such devastation and eventually unchecked genocide for many in Middle Earth that he was rightfully cursed by more pint-sized peeps, who got into character and went forth to kick his and his ring's ass.
River Roots[edit | edit source]
It had to have been such a boring life, an existence of perpetual Hell, to go about all your days and nights settled on the edge of a river that says nothing. A river that keeps on rolling along. Now that it's been brought up again, hold onto that thought. This will be a theme concerning Gollum, the Ring, and the killing sprees this river seems to attract itself to. As the story goes, a Dark Lord named Sauron, servant of Morgoth, who was previously Melkor the Mediocre. He had a short-lived music career but he sunk into a bass groove he couldn't get out of, and his skill in composition was god awful and he was ultimately banned from the Hot 100 Cosmic Chart. But before all of his work was undone by all the Elves who held platinum records, he penned one last song. Old Man Rapids. Yet everyone believed this to be about the Anduin which meant Long River in Elvish. So as all things in this odd little world, the river took on the idea that it was something special. But it was an evil guy who wrote about it. It eventually found out because the Ents blabbed about it. Although it took a while to spit it out.
But here is where the curse of Morgoth's menace seemed to bring bad luck to this infamous river. After Morgoth was overthrown, his pet student Sauron crafted a ring thinking he's try his hand at becoming a jeweler. This failed horribly although his brand was of a high end quality. He lost his prize prototype ring after the elves contested their contracts and won their lawsuit against his One Ring market and were able to move forward with their rings as planned. The men and dwarves weren't so lucky. And one man managed to take Sauron's One Ring right off his hand, cutting several fingers off in the process.
It was bad but it was in the middle of battle, in the middle of a war, so it was kind of expected. Sauron really hated it. The man taking the One Ring didn't last too long afterward. And into the cursed river he fell. Lost the bling, and of course, the river said nothing. Maybe glug glug. After some years or so, hobbit-like people started dwelling there and made a small community near the river. This is where Gollum was born. Now it starts to make sense of why Gollum got to be so screwed up. The River Folk who settled there, also drank the water, fished in it, and possibly used it as a swimming hole. This river, with the dead body, an evil ring, and a song about it being chronically apathetic, all lead to the eventual anomaly known as Gollum.
Getting Disowned[edit | edit source]
Sure, it would have been something extraordinary to learn that there was an actual, tangible craft emitting from a ring to make one invisible and set out to use that power for good things. Instead once everyone knew Gollum's little secret power of invisibility and how he was able to learn private matters in his community of river folk, the ring was of little consequence when they were making headlines in Gondor and Mordor to be made fun of. It was just embarrassing that Gollum sent pics of them dressing up as soldiers from Minas Tirith and getting the village idiot to play Skeletor and reacting the Last Alliance wargames and using strawmen to play the Elves and Orcs and still getting their asses kicked.
But that was just one thing, for Gollum found out secrets that nobody was supposed to know. Like how there were some folks actually plotting to kill Gollum because he was a monumental pain in the ass. It was hard to kill him when he knew not to drink the ale. Not to walk under a certain ladder. Not to fall for anyone shouting "Is that Mel Brooks over there?!" and not to take any wooden nickles.
But a crazy mishap on Sméagol's part landed him in jail. He was seen vanishing after putting on the ring, which he killed for, and seconds later reappearing in the bedroom of a female he had his eye on. It wasn't entirely fair as there were other men hiding in her room as well, but that's beside the point. He was caught and served time. Eventually he was kicked out of the village after numerous escapes. That village was full of idiots, Sméagol included, and they never deduced that his invisibility was possible by the shiny golden ring he flaunted. Basically in their face! Naturally the lady who got spied on was furious. She ended up having to move to a quieter location. She opted for Fangorn Forest. Last anyone heard of her, she was apparently 50 feet tall and had to move from there eventually. This is the kind of shit that happens along that river.
Sméagol slowly turned into a slimy creature and embraced his Gollum identity. Moving into the Misty Mountains, he caused some trouble there too and was disowned by the goblins furthering his agony, isolation, and abandonment issues. The ring he possessed was his only companion. Although the ring itself started to realize that it somehow ended up back in a dark, cold place after all that trouble it went through to get its slave to kill for it.
New Place, Old Cave[edit | edit source]
Now that Sméagol was officially Gollum, the Ring took over him and made him into bony, half-starved, barely recognizable wraith of a creature who loved fish. In this hellish situation and adapting to the Ring's influence of being accustomed to dark places, Gollum was the personality that took hold. However when the Ring needed to signal to its master, Lord Sauron, it regressed Gollum back into Sméagol and then left him like that, mid hypnosis and maximum psychosis that the two clashing personalities argued over small things. Like how to cook goblins and other mountain cave dwellers.
When a hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins showed up, Gollum argued with Sméagol about how to properly ingest a hobbit. The Ring couldn't have cared less, but Gollum was sure he knew best. Until the hobbit offered to play a game of riddles with Sméagol, making Gollum jealous and suddenly territorial. It was at this point that the Ring had seen a way out. A way out of the dismal cave and to attach itself to a new master that traveled, and hopefully get back to its true master. The same guy that shacked up in a dark tower surrounded by orcs and a churning, active volcano. But it was better than nothing. The riddles commenced.
What do you get when you throw a troll off of a cliff? The answer was obviously that you get fined for improperly disposing of a cartoon character.
What happens when you set fire to a chemical plant? The answer wasn't as easy to guess but Bilbo triumphed anyway as he answered, you get a role in Batman.
The riddles went back and forth until Bilbo tried looking for his keys and realized he'd picked up Gollum's set of keys by accident and tossed them to him. They fell in the water and Gollum dived in to retrieve them but as he did, the Ring somehow managed to slip out of Gollum's loincloth and roll all the way to Bilbo's feet. Noticing this, Bilbo tried to kick it away. It came from Gollum's loincloth forgodsake! But the Ring chased Bilbo down a tunnel until it lodged itself onto Bilbo's finger. Bilbo was horrified but saw that he couldn't see himself. It kind of went from there and Bilbo was now the Ring's owner. Gollum fell for the tossed-keys-in-the-mountain-underground-lake trick. He was pissed.
Must Find The Precious[edit | edit source]
Gollum sulked, stewed, and suffered a heavy depression until he found his keys and went out of the cave to search for Bilbo. At first he'd convinced himself that Bilbo was nearby and although many years had passed, he held onto a rather insane notion that Bilbo lived in the same mountain complex. He was way off. He recalled that Bilbo mentioned The Shire at one point in the conversation, while Gollum drooled and Bilbo squeaked. Like a cave rat. Gollum was convinced Bilbo stole his ring but the ring actually left Gollum and latched onto, and began leeching off of Bilbo.
So the jilted creature went around asking where this "Shire" was. Nobody gave good directions. Gollum was quite retarded. He asked all the shady people and ghouls of Middle Earth where this Hobbit land be, when all any of these bad hombres would do is point him toward Mordor. After the disastrous left turn at Albuquerque, one would think Gollum would know better than to trust the local trolls and Chupacabras, and so on. Of course Gollum ended up captured by Mordorian forces. Of course he was tortured. Of course he spilled the beans. Of course he was let loose with a tail on his tail.
What does Gollum do? Why he retraces his steps and by sheer dumb luck spies out a group of travelers heading toward Mordor. Of course he follows them. Of course he bribes a bouncer in the form of an Octopus at the back door of Moria. From that point on, Bilbo's nephew Frodo Baggins would not be able to get rid of him. Using simple logic, as Frodo knew what happened to Gollum in that cave long ago, he could have told the creature that his uncle Bilbo was who he was after, and that he lived in the Shire. And gave him directions to Tom Bombadil's house. It would have worked. But everyone in this thing seems to be completely retarded anyway, and so here we are.
Found Precious, Now Must Find Giant Spider[edit | edit source]
Following Frodo and his crew proved to Gollum that he definitely had the precious ring that Bilbo dropped in his lap. It is assumed that Bilbo had cleaned it off and probably cleaned and polished it many times during his keeping of it. Every damned day. Several times a day. Frodo would also keep up the ritual as there would be no doubt that Bilbo would have politely informed Frodo where the ring was before it glommed onto him.
Gollum went through the motions. He played nice, forcing Sméagol out to play a friendly sort. Making Gollum feel sick to his stomach. Gollum trying to steal the ring back had to play along in order to gain the hobbit's trust. Not that he didn't sneak around. But he was like a head banger on a Brady Bunch tour. He was fighting an inner battle with Sméagol, who got to talk more, feel more at ease, singing about flowers and sunshine. To get even, Gollum did disgusting things just to balance out his evil nature with his previous nature of being a cold blooded killer when there was a powerful ring in the mix.
He argued with himself all of the time at that point. Samwise, Frodo's companion would lament about Gollum's sneaking. He had to admit to it when he was caught actually sneaking. Then he remembered a giant spider. The sneaking got worse. Sméagol was made to swear an oath to Gollum that he would lead Frodo to a secret hideaway where the monstrous spider lived.
Sam kept interrupting Sméagol when trying to summon the spider. So Gollum threw Sam into a tar pit. Frodo proceeded to follow Sméagol's weird snickering voice until he laid eyes on the tarantula magnified a thousand times. Everyone got caught. Except for Gollum. Except for Sam. But Frodo and Sméagol were dragged away by orcs by the end of this bizarre instance. Usually Mordor is kind of quiet.
Got Precious, Got Flame Broiled[edit | edit source]
Gollum now free of his "better" half, moved around inside of Morder's borders without having to listen to The Carpenters. Eventually Sam showed up, Frodo escaped, and Sméagol took off looking for Gollum back where the spider was. Gollum knew that Sam and Frodo were headed for Mount Doom and he tried to stop them. He pleaded that destroying the ring would kill him and when he realized that was only going to make them to get moving faster to get there, he decided to use violence. Sam and Frodo fought back. There were knuckle sandwiches being liberally applied, lots of hair pulling and biting, and Gollum tried to involve some orcs into the fight but they knew how he acted the last time he was in Mordor. They remembered Gollum had gotten some of their comrades killed by feeding them to his spider. They remembered him stowing away in one of their backpacks and threw a fit when they tossed him aside only to have him latch onto their legs after smearing Gorilla Glue® all over his hands so they couldn't kick him away. They remembered Gollum all too well.
So while Gollum wouldn't have any help fighting against Frodo and Samwise, he figured the Ring would help him. But he was just fooling himself. For a brief time Sam had the ring, while Frodo ran toward the lava-soaked mountain. Running after Frodo proved pointless because Sam came running up from behind and tossed the ring back to Frodo, while he continued back up the slope. This enraged Gollum. Gollum proceeded to clobber Sam with a rock upside his head. This in turn pissed off Sam. The Ring itself was pleased to be carried by Sam but quickly realized it was back in Frodo's possession, now at great risk of being possessed by Gollum. Again.
Its own story rather frustrating. It wanted Sauron, that's who its master was. It got owned by Isildur but he was retarded. It got found after thousands of years by this freak who turned into a slimy frail toad, then escaped after hundreds of years to another short stack, who only used it for dumb shit. Then got owned by another short guy who seemed nice but didn't even use it, at all. Now it was looking down the barrel of possibly being back with Gollum. By the time another fight broke out over it, it jumped into the lava. It committed suicide, and its master was killed by proxy.
Naturally Gollum jumped in after it. Retard.
Gollum was gone. The ring was gone. Everyone went home. There was no more. Except now everyone stressed the word Precioussss whenever channeling Gollum. It was the damnedest thing.
