Witch King
The Witch King was a powerful, power-hungry, powered-up boss level baddie who was beaten by a girl. He was a sorcerer who obtained a ring of power from Darth Vader and got every medal and trophy whenever there was a dance contest. This creepy ancient borefest was the epitome of evil. He would do evil things just for the sake of being evil. There was no rhyme or reason to his actions, he just did insanely evil things. He was outrageous. He was out-of-control. He had an impressive list of accomplishments. If you consider murder, genocide, hostile takeovers of not only banks, but river banks and entire rivers, and hostages for fodder and food, then yes, he was quite impressive.
Also known as the Witch-king of Angmar, and the Captain of the Black Riders, and the Lord of the Nazgûl, and the Chieftain of the Ringwraiths, and King of Minas Morgul, Lord of Morgul, Black Captain, Black Face, No Face, Menacing Monstrosity, and Dimwitted-Lamefuk as Éowyn called him. Really fuck this guy. Total dead guy, being all gross and stuff. This is the one who gathered the other Ringwraiths and set them on a course to Nowhere and dredged up the Dead. This is the one your mom warned you about. The ghoul, the shadow in the night, and was said to be influenced by the Night of the Living Dead.
There were no redeeming qualities to this once-human form who was believed to be of the Númenórean race. But it was also rumored that he was from the future, and beamed down from a stolen ship, possibly belonging to a Klingon captain. Having no face meant he didn't have to worry about disguises. Or looks. Or rashes from rotting flesh. Something even Beetlejuice would envy. The Witch-king had many titles, but no one knew his real name. There was one person who called him Bob once. Nothing further was tracked down and recorded Númenórean lore was hard to pull up from the bottom of the sea without a tow truck.
How It Started[edit | edit source]
For the sake of the article, we'll just call the Witch-king "Bob" as that will save time and not confuse him with the other Ringwraiths because it's a group of them. Like the Seven Deadly Sins, the 7 Dwarfs, the 13 Dwarfs, the Seven Samurai, and so on. And nobody is going to remember all those names. So "Bob" it is. Bob was a Wizard, a sorcerer who was part of eight other men who were given rings of power by Sauron which were immediately gobbled up and swallowed.
Bob started off as a Nazgûl leader, and ran amok. He was scary and menacing and a bit mysterious. When Mordor fell, and his master lost his bling, Bob and the rest vanished into dark shadows and were not heard of again for a long time. Depending on who you ask. But Sauron somehow wouldn't stay the fuck down. So he came sniffing around Mount Asshat and some time later, Bob reappeared with his comrades and he went north and glommed onto a patch of land that he called Angmar.
It was original enough to not sound too much like Narnia. But it was basically Narnia with Disney touches here and there. Think the lost woods, the briar patches, the rabbit hole and Switzerland. From Angmar, he waged war upon all lands South and East. And then conquered the West. From his icy little kingdom, he was overthrowing everyone who ever argued among themselves. He was the original Caesar who saw how easy it was to divide and conquer. And what he couldn't take by force, he cheated at Poker to obtain. Nobody ever called his bluff.
Sauron called him to gather himself and his merry band of wraiths to the aid of Mordor. The witch-king agreed only after he was thrown out of Angmar by a bunch of angry elves from Mirkwood and Rivendell. But he had it coming. He was trying to kill all of them, too. Even Gondor got involved, as there was an army sent out to deal with Bob and his orc thugs. It was a change of scenery for him. The blood-soaked hills and the grim backdrop of Angmar would be left behind for the blood-soaked hills and grim backdrop of Mordor. So off he went to Castlevania (aka Minas Morgul) and set up a back room to conduct his illegal gambling empire. He also made regular trips to neighboring Gondor to party after his hostile takeovers of their waterfront hotels and bars.
How It's Going[edit | edit source]
When Sauron decided to come out of hiding, he sent three of his wraiths out to Mount Asshat (known by the elves as Dol Guldur) to stir up some shit. Probably out of spite. Bob was ordered to stay in Mordor after Sauron found out that he fled to Mordor because Glorfindel scared him. He was also demoted to the same thing he'd always been. Which was being dead. Bummer.
Around this time, Gollum was captured. Sauron found out his Ring of Power was resting nicely in a land called The Shire. Sauron didn't know where this backwoods place was, and told Bob all about it. Bob sent his right hand guy (aka also dead guy) to look for this Shire place. But he came back empty-handed and shrugged. Now what? Well nothing. Since when do ghosts use maps? Also interestingly enough, The Shire was off the grid anyway.
But all their plans shifted to events happening in Gondor and Isengard. Whatever was going on in Gondor got Sauron all up in arms. In a manner of speaking. More like, got him all up in flames around his eye. He also learned that Saruman had captured Gandalf and let him escape. Bob and all the Wraiths arrived too late to take any hostages and Saruman flipped them off. The wraiths ordered him to answer their questions under threat of being insulted a second time. Saruman told them that Gandalf was the only one who knew where the Ring was, and furthermore, had a detailed map of the Shire, its surroundings and where their pipeweed connection was. The Dark Lord concluded that the Ring was not in any wizard's possession and Saruman was cited as a traitor to both sides of all this nasty business.
When the Nine Wraith zombie schmucks left Isengard, they spotted a crazy short guy running across Rohan like his life depended on it. When Bob caught up with him, he learned his name was Grima Wormtongue, and then he laughed hysterically. Grima swore up and down that he knew where The Shire was and added that Saruman had lied to them. And then went further to give them the secret combination to Saruman's locker at the Airports of London. Of course, as well may be expected, the Wraiths didn't know where the fuck that was either. Saruman's spies were eventually captured by the Wraiths and all their spying equipment was confiscated. And as usual, as in any James Bond scenario, the spies had all the information, maps, gadgets and shiny car that Bob could have ever wanted. How convenient.
Bob and his merry band of baddies got to The Shire. Finally. But got there too late. They had to follow some hobbits to Bree. Then to Weathertop. Then to the road that lead to Rivendell where Bob ran into Glorfindel again. Then got sent down a river. But at least Bob knew where The Shire was now.
How It Went[edit | edit source]
After sulking in his Mordor residence for a while, his alarm system sniffed out the same hobbits Bob was chasing not too long ago. But he had to go and get ready to mess Gondor up and there was the whole war Sauron had going on preventing him from viewing his security cameras. When Bob arrived at the gates of Gondor's capitol city, and casually strutted through after basing the gates with a monstrosity called Grond, he was met with the wizard Gandalf who told him to get lost. The king of Rohan showed up and Bob saw that he brought an army.
Feeling all gung ho while he and his dead man whacked wraith crew sat on Pterodactyls flying all over the place and throwing folks around, he came across the king of Rohan's body guard detail. It was a small warrior and a kid. Or what he thought they were. He tried to have his flying mode of transportation eat the wounded king, but was stopped when the small warrior chopped off his steed's head. He sat shocked when the warrior chopped off its left wing and one of its toes. Dismounting the now useless terror of 20,000 feet, he advanced toward the figure and began going on about Glorfindel (again) and repeated the prophecy that no man could defeat him. Then he went on a rant about Glorfindel and how one day he planned to kill him anyway.
At this point, the smallish warrior took off her helmet and sat down on one of the dead orcs that scattered the landscape. When Bob was through with his speech, he realized he was talking to a female warrior and the kid was one of those hobbits he'd seen before. Letting out a screech he demanded to know who she was. She told him that her name was Eowyn. But for the purpose of the war, she was going by the alias Yo mama and the hobbit with her was Xerxes.
She cautioned Bob that technically she can kill him, because she is no man. He agreed but showed her his mace and tried to appear all menacing. She laughed. Bob felt a bit hurt by that. She asked him why would Glorfindel give him any advice to begin with. He said that it wasn't advice. That Glorfindel was a meddler. She scoffed and made a comparison between an elf lord who was dead and brought back, and Bob, who was alive at one time and then became dead, but never doing anything about his face. Bob had no face, or body, just the pressure of the flaming underworld connected to the open air and he could manage just fine. Again she scoffed and told him that he looked lopsided. Then she asked what was with this whole no man business and why would Glorfindel discriminate against half the population of Middle Earth? to which Bob acted surprised that there was actually that many females in Middle Earth.
Then he started to taunt her, saying he came across her boyfriend in Rohan. At first she thought he was speaking of Aragorn, but he was truly speaking of Grima Wormtongue. Eowyn was visibly disgusted and told him sharply that wasn't her boyfriend. Bob asked her who her boyfriend was. She didn't answer. Then he asked her out. Eowyn didn't have any plans and agreed to a date. But told him she would still probably have to kill him, although he was already dead. He said he could live with that.
How It Ended Up[edit | edit source]
Gondor won the war, and Bob had to fly back to Mordor on Air Lizard Airline in coach. Then Mordor fell. He was homeless. He would have to find someplace else to conquer. The leader of The Army of Darkness having been summoned by Aragorn from a mountain cave, had already cleared a path through Mordor's forces and displaced all the orcs and nasties back into Mordor which, as rumor had it, they came out to kick Gondor's ass just to get out of being in Mordor. Gondor saw to it to make a total mockery of Sauron. The Mouth of Sauron. The Orcs. And their stupid Grond.
With Sauron gone, and many of the orckind, Gondorians knew that there were still survivors and they sent out their troops to find them and capture them. They would face justice, and in Gondor, justice had many types of punishment. Thanks to the ideas that were given to them by Mordor's very forces. The whole having pterodactyls picking up screaming victims and dropping them from thousands of feet, was one such directive they noted. Building a astronomical battering ram that could serve as a telescope to view far off things flying at them. And also to ram into large monster's faces.
And Gondor didn't forget the cruelty of the orcs. They burned all the catapults that were used in the war, but they didn't just burn them. They tied the corpses of the orcs onto them, installed tires under them and used a massive dump truck to roll down the hill into the Black Gates of Mordor and crash through with burning orc bodies and finally exploding when the impact triggered all the C4 they loaded onto it.
Gondor also hired many comics to pen sitcoms about the orcs and their lord Sauron. They had high ratings for shows like The Troll Next Door, Grim's Anatomy, and The Headless Lizardman. And they even declared holidays honoring the time when Mordor was destroyed by fire and earthquakes. They would celebrate the occasion by serving up exploding volcano cakes and crumbling souffles. Gondor was beginning to get back to normal. And they had a new king who had taken to coming up with more creative ideas on how to punk the Army of the Dead. There was a show about that too.
