Balrog
| Balrog | |
|---|---|
 Balrog never chills, just hangs around smoking. | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Domain | Eukaryota |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Chordata |
| Class | Draconia |
| Order | Europa |
| Family | Tolkienae |
| Genus | Balrogus |
| Species | Balrogus Ignis |
The Balrog is a species of monster much like the Dragon only it's more like a Buffalo combined with a Butterfly and some mixture of Caveman with a whip. They are vicious mean creatures who like to run around being on fire. Their nasty attitude could be attributed to the fact that they are on fire and it's undoubtedly painful. Akin to suffering third-degree burns. It's only when Balrogs hibernate that their inner furnace may be turned off.
Balrogs hate the water. They turn into mud when water is applied or when they fall into underworld lakes of icy cold water. They are rendered weak when accidents befall them. Mudslides, tsunamis, flooding, ice ages, and quicksand. They hate intruders into mountains that were intruded by them, and while being the invasive entities that intruded in the first place, they don't see it that way. Finding suitable living spaces was a problem and it was a crisis when they were hunted by elves, men, dwarves, and hobbits. The latter of which had a keen knowledge on how to wake them from deep slumbers only to reignite their flaming core and enrage them to fly up to the main level of mountain paths to face off with a powerful wizard or an almighty elf lord. This was an issue that plagued the balrogs. They are walking, lumbering mobile volcanoes. They erupt as they go along in their fiery existence.
Balrog Battle Strategies Explained[edit | edit source]
Being large and made of coal and fuel allowed the balrog species to burst in on any foe and burst into flames that would cause disaster and assured destruction. They could breathe fire, like any dragon. They could breathe in cold air and breathe out fire. It was their way to be the center of attention. If they had fangs, a tongue, or any speech abilities it can be assured that their fangs were made of titanium, and they didn't need to say too much as it would only come off as a roaring fireplace that's been fed with enough wood and lighter fluid to keep it burning all night.
When it came to the harsh brutality of battle, these beasts were unmatched by most armies in Middle Earth. With some exceptions. For example they went from fire-breathing monsters to stomped on campfires that got out of control by the Valar, the army of the Most High, and the army of the dead. They were also toast if the army happened to have trained dragons who were turned to the good side of The Force. Dragons had the same features as a balrog, but dragons were more massive in size and could fly a lot easier due to their slimy, wormy bodies. A balrog did possess wings and could fly, but they could only fly a short distance with laughably clogged feet and pumped bodies that made them more like buffalo. They even had buffalo horns. Their most menacing feature was the fact that they were on fire. All of the time. If they should happen to get wet, they were weakened as their texture was that of mud and a goop-like substance that made them very slow. And they moved slow enough to begin with. These creatures were thrown together by the psychopathic mind of Morgoth Bauglir who brought them into existence. The very entity that wanted nothing to exist. Naturally this misguided project to bring forth a kind of Frankenstein Monster would end up being a total disaster once word got out that balrogs could be defeated with not much more than a fire hose.
Balrog's Bellyaching and Bitching[edit | edit source]
The beast was a walking disaster and he couldn't live a normal life. The shock factor wore off most inhabitants of Middle Earth and they mocked balrogs and would camp out near them for the glorious ever-burning fire they produced. All anyone had to do was keep the balrog at bay with a handy nearby fire-hydrant and water hose attached, ready to blast.
This fiery creature, an abomination made of two basic elements, earth and fire was able to live anywhere it wished. Its preferred habitat was in the earth, near the mantle where fire flowed. It blended in so well, that no one really noticed it. Even if they were exploring the depths of the earth. Balrogs couldn't even be detected by Jules Verne when he wrote about going to the center of the earth, after actually going there and taking notes. It could be that Verne did detect a balrog or two, but he wasn't impressed enough and decided the larger creatures were more exciting. If only the balrogs resembled bugs, they might have been given a chapter.
Balrogs were ill tempered. They loved to play on everyone's fears. They were like Guy Smiley only they didn't bother with religion, small talk, or even smiling. Balrogs loved the deep dark, godforsaken gothic background in which to blend with. The balrog in Tolkien's story The Lord of the Rings was particularly enraged when a group of hobbits, a dwarf, an elf, and a couple guys ran away after one of them woke him up. Pippin is hilarious. But the balrog seethed with rage and determined to destroy anything in its path. The tranquility of a dark mountain cave system, teeming with orcs and goblins, the dead still haunting the place, and decaying bridges and beams slowly crumbling above was shattered when a small troupe would try to quietly tip-toe through the dungeon-like lair in soft, padded leather boots and on silent bare feet, finally ended up screaming in terror while running for the exit. The balrog that had taken over Moria, wasn't having any of it. It really pissed the balrog off that everyone was just coming in and walking all over the place, making even the slightest noise, whispering about Gollum, and Gollum flapping around everywhere. Moria was the inside of a hollowed out mountain. The acoustics were incredible. It sent the beast into a rage and someone was going to pay for the insult.
The First Balrog[edit | edit source]
The stupidest, most idiotic ridiculous idea for a monster came from the drug-addled mind of Morgoth after he had already been imprisoned for the death and destruction he'd caused, after the High Elves had already kicked his ass and sent him head-first into the miserable existence he wanted all along, all in another futile attempt to turn the whole of the world into a giant pit filled with horrors and assholes. There were rumored to be only seven balrogs ever conjured, but that number may be exaggerated. Still even just one of these things was enough to cause major damage, to both property and well-being. In the way if you valued life, you simply did not hang around any balrogs. They were not friendly, and they smelled bad.
When the creepy Morgoth concocted the creature from his twisted mind and made them from the more evil prone among the Valar, he had already managed to get funding for his dungeon lab to continue to tweak and perfect the abomination. Dragons and orcs were already among his most loyal servants, but a balrog would be even more of a threat. A threat that could get into smaller spaces, and although orcs were still smaller, they traveled in hordes and never went out alone. Balrogs could set things on fire in smaller spaces, as well. And they were made to easily brandish a whip. A fire whip, which was the envy of any soldier of fortune.
The most pathetic factor of the whole experiment is that, as balrogs were few in number, they hid away when the Valar came to kick Morgoth's ass but as soon as Morgoth came back, he was attacked by a giant spider and screamed like a little girl and naturally the balrog came flying out of hiding, very clumsily and rescued their dark lord. Morgoth was imprisoned after he was captured for the multiple travesties he'd committed, and the balrogs and other foul creatures had run for cover, retreating underground. Because the Valar weren't thorough and were more focused on Morgoth than anything else, and used Deuterium to subdue the evil overlord, they seemed to have missed the balrogs and other nasties and left them behind. Stupidity Syndrome was rampant in those days. Add that to the fact that they let Morgoth out of prison after a couple thousand years. For fuck sake!
The first balrog was a fiercely loyal servant of evil as he was Morgoth's baby. He had giant horns, a swishy tail of dinosaur size, and a collection of whips fashioned by his malevolent mind. Another balrog was overthrown eventually by an elf lord who had the skill of darting fire, an endless supply of arrows, and the barely contained rage of seeing Gondolin destroyed by the stupidity of more stupid elves. The elf who slew the beast was none other than Glorfindel. An elf that would be renowned among all the elves of Middle Earth, but eventually end up as a footnote and left out of film adaptions of the time he aided the Fellowship of the Ring from Weathertop where Frodo the Hobbit had been attacked by stupid ringwraiths.
The Last Balrog[edit | edit source]
There were only a limited number of these foul beasts that were ever breathed into life. Life breathed fire, and the life they got was that of an evil being that wanted death for everybody and everything. Reportedly, it was a bad deal all around. Nobody wanted them around. They didn't want anyone else around. There was no future for any of Morgoth's abominations and there was no use for them domestically. They were strictly bred for the sole purpose of battle. To kill anyone in their path. And eventually it would come down to the balrog killing itself. They never plotted or planned. They never took up new skills, even when barbeque chefs from all of Middle Earth sought to set up a chain of restaurants with grandiose plans of using them as a themed feature to draw in more customers.
There was no way in Hell that even Mordor was going to lend the legendary monstrosities as gimmicks, but had no problem using them as flame bait. Literally. The last of the balrog species had taken over a Dwarvish kingdom that included the Mines of Moria, Dwarrowdelf, and also, in the same room, both exits. One leading to the bridge of Khazad-dûm, and the other to a huge set of doors that were activated by a password and a security system that closely resembled Cthulhu.
It was at this location that the last of the balrogs had finally been wiped off the face of the Middle Earth. A large group of travelers, and a flippy flop-footed creature went through the mountain and started acting like they owned the place. The first thing they did was break the alarm system and piss off the security monster who lived outside in a puddle of run off from the Second Age. When Gandalf finally hacked the password and bypassed the protocol asking if they were all friends, the security monster destroyed the entire entryway and caused a small earthquake. Which was loud and noisy.
Then they all walked through the main pathway until they had to stop at an intersection of three different passage ways forward. Gandalf was the only one who had a mental map of the area, but his memory was vague and he couldn't remember. So they camped out for the night, although it could have easily been daytime as there was no way to tell from inside of a mountain. They roasted food, set up a salad bar, and talked about what their next move was. They continued to argue about the Gap of Rohan and why it was safer to go through a deathtrap than it was to avoid getting too near to Isengard.
After a week Gandalf recalled which passageway to take and they all traveled through even more dark. As Frodo would later write in his journal, after jotting down how he started to hate everyone and almost became a wraith again, he mentioned that the wizard finally chose the way that didn't smell bad. Then Frodo would continue to write how he was becoming more like a wraith who wanted to kill everyone. This was something that could have been solved easily had Gandalf simply walked over and just sniffed. For fuck sake!
Once they had reached the point of no return, Legolas complained that it was always dark and that they needed to either find the skylights or find the generator. Gimli explained that there were no skylights. Legolas ranted about the stupid security doors, the dumbass monster being placed there instead of just simply changing the password. He brought up all the shortcomings and faults of the dwarves and asked why would anyone come to Moria. Gimli retorted that Mithril silver was the main reason noting that it was the most precious metal in all of Middle Earth and for that matter, Metal Earth. The dawrves owned it. There was, of course, a huge argument. When it died down after a while, they finally reached a chamber where the dead dwarves had been hiding. Gimli was hoping someone was still alive but he was so devastated when the place was just like a tomb. Considering how breathtaking Moria was on a scale of such tombs. Gimli cried out in anguish at the atrocity of such a fate. Gandalf went off the rails when Pippin sent a skeleton that was propped up by the arrow that killed the poor owner down a well, which may have landed into a mining cart and sent it down further into the mines.
It was at this point that the last of the balrogs had lost it. With all the noise, the earthquake when they first came in, the shouting, the cooking, the clamoring through the dark, tripping up and down the stairs, and corridors - and the continuous chaos. The skeleton that rammed into the balrog's face after careening off the rails sent the beast into such a rage that peril was certain. Naturally everyone that was hiding in Moria took flight. Even Gandalf shouted; Fly, you fools! and as the balrog gave chase, the hideous fell beast lost its footing, hooving, whatever made up its limb-ends and fell straight into the bottomless pit. Gandalf, not entirely convinced the balrog would die, followed it until he made sure it was dead. The fall did not kill either the balrog or the wizard. When the balrog landed in an underground lake, it was weakened to the point that its large butterfly wings could barely lift itself out of its predicament. Gandalf held onto the balrog and both ended up on top of the same snowy peak that was still in view of Isengard. Both balrog and Gandalf perished.
