Aragorn

He was on fire with an intense heroic spirit. And he smoked pipeweed with hobbits. A really cool guy you could hang with.

Aragorn Arrowroot Elessar the Strider is a hero to all of Middle Earth, the royal king of Gondor by bloodline and the husband of Arwen the Lady of Rivendell, daughter of Elrond the Elf, Lord of Long Robe. Born in the Second Stone Age of Arnor which on everyone else's calendar was the period of time in the Third Age between 2931 to 3000. After that everyone was either looking for ways around the long thousand‑year ages and trying to cull them down to something that would fit on the kitchen wall or a journal even when journals during these times were the size of stone slabs or bricks.

Aragorn was trained to be a ninja and a cook. He was the ultimate firewood gatherer and he hated the Ringwraiths. He was also very skilled in the Elven languages of two different tribes consisting of the warrior elves and that of the regular, normal forest elves that just wanted to bake lembas bread and cookies, and do hobbit activities such as drinking and smoking a lot, making babies and getting drunk again, and eating more food, and making more babies and gathering more kittens, puppies, and ponies. Without the hassle of having to be dragged off to some nasty war, getting all dirty. Aragorn could communicate with both factions of elves but the latter was a bit more nervous whenever he'd bring up subjects like patrolling the woods for wraiths. Having a look-see at what's left of Moria. And going to Mordor to defeat a Dark Lord who lives near an angry and active volcano. Legolas and Gimli were really the only ones down with that sort of thing.

While he lived a life outdoors and was a rugged and capable woodsman, he had to play it all by ear during the The War of the Ring. Most people he knew called him Strider the Ranger. Or the Ranger Strider. Either way it was the same thing. He loved to hunt orcs as did his companions Legolas and Gimli, even when they were captured by orcs, or being invaded at Helm's Deep by orcs, or being tossed around by each other trying to avoid orcs. Aragorn was also a ladies' man, and he always had women willing to swordplay with him. And with his sword as well.

Beginnings

The sword that was broken: a weapon and a toy.

Even as a child, Aragorn was the adult in the family. He was studious, curious, and could win in any staring contest his parents engaged him in. He went to Fangorn Forest to learn the art of invisibility in his teenage years. He dressed in forest colors, and kept his hair in styles that resembled tassels of withering vines and shrubbery. These traits stayed with him. He was very gifted although he never received very many gifts. But the few birthday gifts he did receive were awesome and shiny. Never mind that they were pieces of a broken sword, and when he turned 18, he got the actual hilt with more of the blade intact that went with those nice sharp shards of steel. As a kid he did have a lot of fun playing with his broken sword pieces until he injured himself and had to have Elrond keep the broken sword pieces out of his reach, although Elrond encouraged him to play with sharp objects. Elrond was hilarious back then. One would never know it but, considering how he was sabotaging his own family members, it's obvious in hindsight.

His parents had sadly passed away before they could bestow upon him the coming-of-age gift that consisted of pieces of Sauron's fingers and one of the eyeballs that the broken sword had managed to poke out before hewing the Dark Lord's hand clean off. But all of that was buried in the back yard and poor Aragorn had no idea all of that was even there. As a youth, he would brood and sulk at the times when he wanted to spring up and hunt orcs but couldn't because he was ordered to stay in Rivendell until he finished his training.

It was a nice place to learn about anything. In Rivendell everything was taught, including base jumping. Aragorn sharpened his fighting skills with a regular sword, and learned how to use a bow. And a Glock. He met Arwen around this time and gave her a ring because he liked her. But it wasn't an engagement ring, it was an old heirloom friendship ring that was previously given by an elf to a guy who saved his life. The ring resembled a couple of snakes with one of them devouring a crown. Nice embellishment. Arwen then gave him a big, shiny, large ass pendant that really clashed with his forest gear. Aragorn tried to give it back, but alas he was stuck with it. It was a rather glaring piece of jewelry, and it did grab attention. It was a perfect way to spot him in the dark. It was even better than the t-shirt she gave him that had a target symbol printed on the back. The one thing he would have had passed down to him had it not been for a hobbit-like weirdo who almost drowned and ended up strangled for it, was the One Ring that basically caused him to blend in with trees rather than be invisible in all environments for lack thereof.

Journeys

"Yes, Aragorn has been everywhere – even places you didn't know about," Frodo told Sam, his trusty gardener and crazed boat hopper. "The only place I know about is the Shire, Master Frodo," Sam retorted. "Oh, and the Moon."

Blee

On a grim night, after realizing that Gandalf wasn't going to come out to Bree to meet him, Aragorn assumed his Strider persona and went to the night club and started drinking and lighting up a pipe full of chill out. He knew some hobbits were going to show up and cause some kind of scene. Because that's how they roll. When four of these little scene-causing hobbits came in and sat down, they immediately started talking about Gandalf, their pony, their homes, their gardens, and the One Ring. That was actually the main conversation piece. The hobbit named Frodo Baggins was coerced to dance on the table and sing a shire-ish song. Aragorn was getting annoyed because the song lasted more than thirty minutes. But everyone else was too drunk to notice. Then Frodo told Aragorn that he really just wanted to go to bed and get a good night's sleep. Aragorn scoffed and indicated that the wraiths outside waiting to steal his damned ring of power would keep everyone up with their noise and stench.

Every time Aragorn goes to break up a fight, someone steals his beer.

That's when the wraiths came barging in to the club and denied everything. Frodo put the ring on to escape but ended up back on the table. Aragorn cautioned him to be careful when using the ring around the wraiths for the portals it causes that only move a few feet from your last position. The wraiths rolled some dice and called for a Black Knight to come in and kidnap Frodo. But he put on the ring again and disappeared to his chambers to sleep. Pippin, Merry and Sam (Frodo's companions) came up and kicked the wraiths in the shins and they all got into a fight.

Aragorn had to break it up because it was drawing too much attention to everyone there. The Innkeeper, Butterball, who owned the tavern was taking notes and sending carrier pigeons to Saruman. Aragorn couldn't prove it, but he knew that's what was happening. When he pried the hobbits off the wraiths and sent them upstairs for a time out, he strode over to Butterball and slapped him upside the head and held him in a chokehold and told him that he knew his dirty little secret. When Butterbutt squeaked out that it wasn't a big deal, Aragorn told him he knew that he couldn't remember his name unless it was shouted at him all day, and that Saruman possessed him and made him do impersonations. The next morning Aragorn had to gather the hobbits and prepared them to travel to Weatherturd and told the wraiths in the other corner if they wanted to follow them they had better grab some coffee and move their asses.

Weatherturd

The trail through the wild land toward Weatherturd was rough but nothing eventful happened. Aragorn and the hobbits stopped for a bit of breakfast. Then another breakfast. A mile and a half ahead, they stopped for lunch. Traveled another mile or so, and stopped for another lunch. Then a snack. Took some selfies. And finally after a week they reached this mound with ruins at the top. Aragorn couldn't really answer the questions put forth by the hobbits, so they yelled back to the wraiths and asked them why was it named Weatherturd. The wraiths shrugged and went back to hiding behind trees and acting like spies. Aragorn was picked to be night watchmen while the hobbits and the wraiths hooked up a TV set and sat around and watched it before cooking a third dinner and going to bed. One of the wraiths started an argument with Sam over how to cook rice over an open flame. Things escalated and when Frodo tried to step in he got stabbed with a knife. Aragorn then rushed him away and further into the wilds. Glorfinger showed up and offered to take Frodo to Rivendell. Aragorn and the hobbits followed closely behind. The wraiths also followed but they split up and one half of them went through the main road, and the other half just trailed behind Aragorn. Aragorn was able to lose them, but thanks to Frodo wailing in pain and demanding to go home, the wraiths were able to catch up. Frodo asked Aragorn to keep the Ring for him until he was feeling better. Aragorn refused. Frodo continued to vocalize such mournful complaining.

What on Middle Earth happened to the ski lift that was supposed to be here? What happened here a thousand years go? And do I really care?

Elrond's Crib

When they all got to a river that was on Elrond's property, the wraiths whispered among themselves and shouted over to Aragorn that they couldn't follow him or the hobbits across the water. Aragorn called them pussies and Frodo laughed at them although he was in pain. The other hobbits ambushed the wraiths and knocked them into the river. Elrond, who was watching all of this through his security cameras, summoned his river seahorses to attack the wraiths. The hobbits got out of the river in time and Aragorn looked into the camera and begged Elrond to please do that trick again for the hobbits.

Frodo was healed, Aragorn met up with Boromir and Gimli. Legolas was someone he already knew and Gandalf happened to show up. Frodo gave Gandalf a hug so tight that he almost couldn't breathe. Then he latched onto the wizard's leg and wouldn't let go, forcing Gandalf to lug him around everywhere. Frodo kept insisting that he wasn't fully healed yet and must cling to this sense of security. Elrond gathered everyone on his third-floor meeting balcony for serious reasons. The main reason being the Ring Frodo possessed. Frodo tried to tell everyone that Bilbo had the Ring, and was frustrated that Bilbo told everyone that Frodo had it. It didn't help his cause that he was obviously using it in Blee, on Weatherturd, and several times in between. In the meeting, Elrond didn't sugarcoat anything and told them all basically, that the Ring must be taken to Mordor and destroyed.

The Moldy Mountains

Aragorn somehow knew he was going to be stuck with the hobbits a bit longer. What was worse is that now Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and Gandalf would be tagging along. They journeyed onto the Moldy Mountains, and got stuck in snow up to their ears. Aragorn was hating it. They had to detour through the inside of the mountains through an underground maze city and an extensive bat-and-balrog cave. They lost Gandalf enroute. It was ironic that it was at this time that Frodo had stopped clinging to his leg. Aragorn had to direct them through Brothlorian and finally they ended up stuck on the side of a great river.

Thanks to the nuclear green glow, the dead were easier to see in the dark. A bit harder to see in the light of day, they appeared as only a vapor of toxic steam. And smelt just as bad.

Theoden's Hall of Horrors

Frodo and Sam took off with all of their luggage and Aragorn found himself heading toward Rohan with Legolas and Gimli. They would have brought Boromir along but he was useless as a stiff. Then Aragorn and his two companions stopped by Theoden's hall after conveniently running into Gandalf again. Aragorn was glad that he didn't have hobbits attached to him. Hobbits still managed to show up anyway after he had to help with an exorcism done by the wizard against Saruman in Thedoen's body, and then dealing with regular Theoden who was still a dick. Then they all headed out to Gondor. While on the road to Gondor, Aragorn was told by Elrond to seek the paths of the dead. Aragorn jumped at the chance, but Elrond had to explain that it was a place through another mountain. Aragorn frowned. But Legolas and Gimli went with him.

Paths of the Dead Green Guys

The experience that Gimli had in cavern environments was something Aragorn welcomed but it was the elf, Legolas, that stood there and argued with them at the opening of the path into the darkness. They camped out by it for a couple of nights to get used to it. Gimli had gone in and back through several times before Aragorn and Legolas finally decided to go in. After drawing straws, playing rock-paper-scissors, and playing several hands of poker, they went through the paths of the dead. They obtained an army of the dead green guys and came out the other side and brought those things with them to mess up Mordor's army in Midas Tirone. And yet despite all of this Aragorn still found himself going to the very Black Gates of Mordor to argue with a Sauron Mouth Guy.

Kingdoms

Traveling was one thing with Aragorn, but having to go around and take surveys of all the countries in Middle Earth was something he emphatically was not going to do. He did not care how many people, midgets, trolls, elves, spiders, and trees with an attitude lived between The Shire and Mordor. But Gandalf told him that he would go bald if he didn't put all this information into his head. Aragorn couldn't have that. He would rather wash his hair every week than to deal with such a disability. Citing that only Captain Picard could pull off such a look. So Aragorn went to each country, including Mordor and got everyone's information. Not just the head count, he got personal.

The Kingdom of the Shire that isn't really a kingdom, or even a shire. More like farmlands with rolling hills that are alive with the sound of eating, drinking, and puffing.

The Shire

Inhabited mainly by Hobbits, a few Flower Children, and remnants of Children of the Corn. There were around 30,000 in the entire country. There wasn't any real government body and there wasn't much need of one because everyone had abundant access to food, wine, ale, and pipeweed. And everyone had shelter as they had all learned the art of digging into existing structures made by nature itself. Except for ponds and rivers. They hadn't really managed to build an underground structure for that and it was something they felt bothered by. For one, fishing would have been easier for the few moments they would be able to open a window, grab a fish, and close it back quickly. And two, they would have avoided any dragons coming back to look for Bilbo.

Aragorn learned that there were a couple of hobbits who liked setting things on fire. He learned a lot of secrets about those who lived in the Shire. Secrets he did not want to know. The kind of secrets that were boring and not worth the time to write down. Mind-boggling amounts of information on the stages of how cabbage is grown. About making pipes out of bamboo and palm tree bark. Remedies for the common cold, rashes, and keeping foot hair shiny and smooth. And not just the foot hair, either. These were all things Aragorn felt it better to be ignorant of, but alas, he regretted everything he wanted to know and felt he was owed some money for the time he spent gathering all that useless intel.

Rohan

Aragorn could relate much better with the Rohirrim as they were a nation of horse lords and ladies. They took great care of their horses and mules. And oxen and weasels. Which is where Aragorn learned of a weasel named Grima Wormtoe. The population of Rohan was roughly 60,950. 1,200,989 if you included the horses. Aragorn met all the important folks, and then the regular folks that didn't have horses. There were only two of them and they were considered hermits.

A horse is a horse. Of course.

The general idea of how Rohan was governed was through a royal bloodline, with a king to see over matters of national security. And the horses. While Aragorn took in account all the problems facing the kingdom of Rohan, he got far more in-depth discussions with the horses. It was them who told Aragorn of all the insanity that was happening every day. He figured that if the horses were locked in the barn, it would be a recipe for disaster. He tried to convince the king that open war was upon Rohan whether anyone wanted it or not. The king had just been possessed by an old white-bearded freak called Saruman, but was still acting like Shitlord McGee and told him that he was the king and so there.

Aragorn went to consult with the horses and they told him of their secret plan. Aragorn listened intently as they ran and jumped around, did some horse stunts and shook their manes and swished their tails. Then they sat down and told him in plain English that it was time to relax and play Poker. This was something they had always done. And was something that Aragorn could apply to fighting against the Orcs and Saruman if he could just find out if they were bad at the game, like they were at everything else.

Gondor

It was a bit awkward for Aragorn to get information from the inhabitants of Gondor, being as how he would end up replacing their boss, but most of them were all located in the layered city of Midas Tirone. The name of the city changed from person to person depending on who was speaking or rapping or jive talking about it. The people of the city were dizzy since it was designed as a giant spiral staircase.

There were servants everywhere, and the steward of Gondor was the fanciest servant of all.

Gondor's population was entered into the books at being around 11,000 and the man who was given stewardship over the place and who oversaw the kingdom was from a bloodline that hadn't been properly documented or legally given power. Kind of like the IRS. Only that the steward had a couple of sons but only ever acknowledged one of them. Everyone just figured that he was constipated, but Aragorn suspected underhanded plotting to stay in power and appear dead at the same time.

Everyone was employed by the steward. Everyone had their work lined up for them. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, and every possible chore and landscaping were all things attended to every day. There was no slacking. No one could just stay home and play video games or fix their own BBQ grills because that would take time when the Halls of Midas needed polished. That was how things worked in Gondor.

When Aragorn interviewed the older folks, he found that most of them were in hiding since retiring was unheard of. After all, the Steward himself never retired and neither did any of the previous stewards. They had to drop dead in order to get out of the gig. On the plus side, everything, and by that we mean everything was tidy. Clean. Running like a tight ship on a tightrope. As if moving one thing out of place would drastically upset the very balance of nature. Everyone served the steward, just as the steward served everyone by being their boss. Aragorn asked if anyone had ever escaped to go live in peace anywhere else. It was at this point that some sweepers pointed toward Mordor and stated that some have run to the hills, but never came back. It was assumed that the kingdom's volcano had gotten to them. Aragorn sadly told them that the orcs probably ate them before they would have made it all the way to Mount Doom.

Forest of Fangs

Was one place that Aragorn wanted to get overwith as quickly as possible. But this was the Forest of Fangs. Ents made the forest what it was, and why it was called such a name. For Ents were like trees but they walked around, stomped on things, and had long fangs. They weren't obvious due to how they appeared to be either the overgrowth of their trunk bodies or their branchy arms. But make no mistake, they had fangs. Long, sharp fangs. They didn't really eat people, but they sure didn't like people being in their territory.

Walking in Fangorn, but do I really feel the way I feel?

Of course Aragorn had to get over all of this, and gnarly moving branches that were really fangs attached to a tree beast, like some kind of Wendigo just unnerved him. Aragorn called out to whoever inhabited the forest and stated that he was just there to get information because his hair depended on it. The Ents came to him and talked in some weird tree language that sounded like the vibrations through the roots of actual trees just hanging out and chilling. The Ents did answer in the Common Speech so Aragorn could understand them, but the words were all drawn out and it took an hour just to say Howdy Doody. And the Ents would greet anyone with any reference to wood. Aragorn stood somewhat mystified but majorly annoyed.

He wanted a simple head count. In a forest of trees. Where the head count could literally be confused with the trees themselves. After a week or so, he got a couple of names, an estimated number of various outdoor things, and a Treebeard joke. Which he didn't get. There were billions of trees and Ents. There was wildlife, some spiders, shrubbery, and a Gazebo. Jotting all this down and bidding the Ents farewell was his ultimate escape plan. But poor Aragorn had to stay long enough to hear them say Faaarrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllll.

After Aragorn was able to leave, the Ents felt a strange kind of vibe and only after their guest had left did they realize they were visited by the future king of Gondor. So they got together to sing about the would-be hero of all the lands. It was a bluesy number and the bass line was killer. There was a good beat and the lyrics really nailed the story. All of Middle Earth took notice and the Ents had a #1 hit that stayed in the top spot for over six-and-a-half years. Or until the record's run time ended. The song went platinum and was released as a 300‑gigabyte recording.

Mordor

It was forbidden for any non-orc species to visit Mordor, and doing so usually got one killed or horribly maimed and tortured. So Aragorn dressed up as an elephant pilot and galloped his way in. It wasn't long before a giant, disembodied eye and a floating mouth much like the Big Fat Ass Floating Cupcake flew up to him and demanded to know why he was there. Dismounting off the elephant, he produced a scroll from his pouch stating that he needed therapy. That it was suggested to him to take a vacation and relax. And that Mordor was a place he always wanted to visit and see the great smoke and fire of doom and try the country's cuisine.

Usual, casual, typical dysfunction

The giant eye rolled itself and then it seemed to fall asleep. Not really staring, but just looking blankly without any sign of focusing on anything. The mouth starting stuttering and told Aragorn that he was crazy to want to eat anything in Mordor. That the menu was grotesque and that drinking the water was like drinking nuclear waste. But Aragorn was keeping in character. He had plenty to work with to pass off as someone who lost all his marbles. He sat down and started to complain about his life.

He told his life story. Saying that if his grandfather had just kept his trap shut, nobody would have died. That it was know-it-alls like him that jinxed things. Then he pulled out a box of Kleenex and sobbed while saying that Elrond was the nicest elf ever, and how kind it was of him to allow him to date his daughter until he convinced her to sail away forever in a flimsy boat. Then he asked if anyone in Mordor has had that kind of bad luck, with his fingers crossed behind his back, he continued whimpering.

The mouth then said to him; This is Mordor! What do you think? You think this place is all smiles and winking eyes?! We're miserable here! Rotten food, we got a mountain waiting to kill us all, and nobody here has access to the Internet! Aragorn stood up and looked the mouth right in the eye, that was behind it, and asked if they were all miserable or just every other orc and thing living there. The eye thought for a moment and the mouth spoke saying that all 240,000 thousand orcs, a giant pissed off Spider, and the various face parts of Sauron were all indeed miserable. Aragorn expressed his sorrow, wrote down that information and thanked them for their co-operation. Then he flew off on the Mutant Mammoth of Mayhem.

Mirkywood

Aragorn called ahead of time and made a schedule to meet with Thranduil, King of the Forest of Mirk. Aragorn was cautioned to not mistake the name of Mirk with Smirk, Muck, or Mock. Murky was another word to not speak when in the presence of the woodland elves who lived there. While he chatted with the king, he asked when they would be having their Feast of Starlight. The king answered that it typically falls on the first day of Autumn and it was always at night. Aragorn joked that Thranduil was also the king of Captain Obvious.

Agent Orange would take care of the problem, unless you wanted to keep the forest intact.

The conversation continued. Aragorn explained that while he had his ear, would he entertain him with any more details about Mirkywood. Thranduil flinched and started to regale him with details about his little neck of the woods. Aragorn listened intently uh huh, uh huh, go on. Apparently the place was infested with spiders. Not just spiders, but spiders. Large. Ass. Spiders. Venomous spiders. Ugly, huge, monster spiders. There were spiders. They were taking over the woods. They were invading the place. Thranduil and his elf kin were at war with these damned spiders. Did I mention that they were big?

Aragorn asked Thranduil what the elf population was verses the spiders. The elf lord did not know the number of spiders but rounded it off to about 100 million to 300 elves. That was intense. Thranduil sighed and shrugged saying that he didn't know what to do. Nothing was working and there was some kind of food source keeping them alive to grow in number. Aragorn suggested that the spiders were eating ants, grasshoppers, and aliens.

Thranduil wanted to get rid of all the bugs but there was nowhere near him to find a decent exterminator or a nearby hardware store to obtain a caseload of Raid, he complained. Aragorn of course was sympathetic and he spoke of his desire to come out there and help him one day. Aragorn explained to him that there were orcs, and trolls, cave trolls too, and balrogs, and ringwraiths, and witch kings, and dark lords, and a giant flaming eye looking to devour all of mankind, elves, dwarves, and everyone. He gently told Thranduil that he would look into it when time permitted: "Okay then, you just have yourself a good evening then, take care, buh bye." Aragorn hung up the phone and shuddered. He wasn't having any part of visiting anywhere with those goddamned spiders.

Random Kingdom

There's a song about the Random Kingdom, but it's in Esperanto. There is a king, but he's just a mime. There are people who live there, and tourists come and visit but when they leave, they can't remember if they'd actually been there. People may remember staying at the Holiday Inn but it's often that they had to check out when it was daylight outside. Most people cannot go out when the sun is shining. Such harsh conditions. So the memory of being in the Random land is understandably blocked out as a way to cope with the trauma.

Randomly sitting and smoking

Blee is a town that some say is a part of the Random Kingdom. Also Weatherturd, Laketown, The Paths of the Dead, and possibly Rivendell, as well. All Random places that seem to be ruled by whoever checks the mail there. Aragorn took notes. Looked over the notes and realized that he could allot all of these random places as randomness and collectively called them the Random Dots of the Random Kingdom. He drew up maps. Sold them to tourists who wanted to find suitable Bed & Breakfast getaways.

Since the map would be a basic outline of main roads leading into smaller roads, and eventually hidden roads, pathways, and secret underground tunnels, another map was needed. Aragorn used his own knowledge of the terrain and worked it in. There were some issues with the map however. Blee and Laketown were towns, while Rivendell was a very popular palace hotel and concert hall. The Paths of the Dead was just a cave and amusement park attraction, and Weatherturd was an abandoned campground. There was no capitol to attach to these places. Nothing that could define them in a way to center their business dealings, a tourist information center, not even a complaints department.

Aragorn not wanting to be tasked with this item, as it wasn't part of his agreement, decided to include Tom Bombadil's house as the capitol of the Random Kingdom. Installing old Tom as the highest authority ruling over the random dots on the map and appointed him to attend meetings about such matters as keeping Rivendell free from falling rocks, securing the Paths of the Dead from resurrection – which actually helps Aragorn later on, and keeping everywhere else free from whatever the hell was happening with Mirkywood.

Dealing with Bonkers and Bilbo

During the time Gandalf was researching any information about the One Ring, Aragorn happened to capture Gollum. Gollum made it easy by going door to door around the Mordor area and was captured. After Gollum spilled the beans about what happened with Bilbo, Aragorn spotted him muttering to himself in the woods, and grabbed him. The muttering changed into a high piercing scream. But Aragorn knew there was something odd about Gollum and so he asked him a few questions. He promised to drop him off at The Moldy Mountains once he interrogated him. Gollum agreed but wanted dropped off at The Shire. Aragorn agreed but he was crossing his fingers behind his back. Eventually Gandalf called and told him to bring Gollum to him so they can both question Gollum. Gollum was hysterical. He hadn't agreed to talk to anyone but Aragorn. It is rumored that Gollum was going to eat Aragorn. The ordeal ended up being that Gollum had no real information about anything important. And nobody wanted to play a riddles game. Gollum was eventually dropped off at Tom Bombadil's house.

Many years later, during Frodo's journey to Mount Doom, Bilbo became unglued. He went bonkers and followed everyone to Mordor. The group broke up, but while Gollum did follow them to Mordor as well, he stayed on Frodo's trail. Bilbo followed Aragorn, who veered way off the path. Bilbo now completely bonkers started talking amongst himself. Aragorn wasn't oblivious to this. He knew he was there. So did Gimli and Legolas. They all knew he was there. They ignored him. But every night, Aragorn had to listen to his conversation with each personality and eventually Aragorn captured this on tape so Gandalf could hear this shit for himself.

Good Bilbo: I'm going on an adventure, but I forgot my ring.

Gollum Bilbo: Stay at home and stop telling shitty riddles!

Good Bilbo: I'm leaving now!

Gollum Bilbo: You must steal the ring back from yourself!

Good Bilbo: Shut up, troll!

Gollum Bilbo: I would very much like to see the ring one last time – around your neck, and you swinging from it!

Good Bilbo: Too bad you don't have the ring then, nasty fat hobbit!

Gollum Bilbo: Shut your hobbit hole!

Good Bilbo: It's mine and I found it! And I shall keep it!

Gollum Bilbo: You don't have the precious anymore and nobody likes you!

Good Bilbo: I'm not listening to this nonsense!

Gollum Bilbo: Right! You don't have the ring! I'm outta here!

Good Bilbo: It went away. It went away! I'm free! I'm free!!

Gollum Bilbo: I must have something to eat before leaving so soon.

King of Goody Gondor and Annoying Arnor

Becoming king of a country was exactly what Aragorn wanted no part of, as he knew it involved taking more surveys. Fortune was on his side this time around. Becoming the de-facto king meant he would have help in a lot of areas. When he was crowned the king and the return of which, he had already learned a good deal of what was already in all the lands he would govern. Gondor was one, but Arnor was another. Arnor was basically everywhere else. Except Mordor. In his opinion it was a tourist trap and he left that to Tom Bombadil.

After a while he just kinda blended in.

For a while, he did kingly things. Had an heir. Built a ski lift from the Halls of Midas Tirone all the way to the Pelican Fields. It was the people of the half-baked cake city that gave him the blues every so often. They were always wanting to wait on him hand and foot. Aragorn simply was not used to this. He did his laundry, and cooked his own stew. Made his own coffee, and wrote his own lines. When viewing his heroic deeds in stories and plays, he would again write his own lines.

There was always someone sweeping the stairs. At all hours of the day and night. That was one thing he could live with as long as it was just the stairs. But things would get dusty. Lots of things needed to be swept, wiped down, vacuumed, and polished. It was amazing how much dust collected in a five-hour period. A dozen servants would come in at every hour on the hour and clean up the place. Aragorn got one of those self-cleaning vacuums and sent the servants home. It scared the servants so they swept around it.

Aragorn hung some thick heavy drapes over the windows and archways to defeat the dust from accumulating so rapidly, but the servants would take them down and beat the dust off of them, then spend an hour hanging them back up. Aragorn put the fancy silver away, and used paper plates and bowls and plastic cutlery so the servants wouldn't have to polish so much. The servants would gather the plates and spoons and such from the garbage and wash them off and attempt to polish those. Aragorn really hated feeling so helpless when he was helping them more than they knew. He came up with an idea.

He knew that cleaning must have been taught to them at an early age, and that modern day advances were alien to them. He managed to convince the Gondorians that everyone could clean the city much quicker if they had a ski lift. Being the king, he could request anything. He put them to work building one. This gave the king plenty of time to catch up on rest. When they were done, he informed them that ski lifts are convenient and all but, when winter comes along, they had better get acquainted with the sport of skiing. When the people asked him if he could teach them how to ski, he reminded them that he can't ski because he has issues with long sticks and boards and other objects tripping him up. Then he limped away and went back to bed.

The Lord of the Rings