Thing
“Does he have… well, you know…”
“I love how he’s always hard around me.”
“He’s not the Heavy Weapons Guy.”
“What is that? It's like… a thing.”
A Thing is, unlike a thingie, not in any way invented or premeditated by God. Things were an accident on the part of God. Things are always accidents. On the evening of the first day God spake unto himself: I shall make things better. Suddenly God realized that in fact he had not created a single thing yet. Motherfucker had not done shit! Hence, things came into being. There are things all around us, and some things even have names, like: gynecologists, grocery stores, scissors, bikes, antihistamines, and etc. on and on to infinity. Things without a name are called: something. Things that don't care what they are called, are called anything.
One can sort things into good things and bad things. Ironically, a very common use of the word "thing" is an obvious reference to naughty bits, which can lead to sexual harassment in the workplace.
Instances of things[edit | edit source]
Some things, (not to be confused with something) are found throughout history. The word is commonly used to speak of an object, when you want no one to know of what you speak. Sometimes things are misplaced, such as "I lost something" or "Aww man, where is that thing!", begun with or followed by "####! I lost my thing again!" Other instances include thingy, a word commonly used when a thing's name is forgotten: "####, where is that thingy now?" It could be compared to the uses of bread, which are limitless, because thingy could be everything, another type of thing. The utter irony of swearing in accordance with not understanding is still studied in colleges nationwide, brought to the forefront of education by the invention of things themselves.
What is a thing?[edit | edit source]
There are many things that can describe a thing. A thing can be used to describe many things. But the thing that makes a thing a thing is the thing that a thing can describe. A thing is a thing because it describes things as things, not only as things but AS things. As someTHING that can be categorized into things, a thing is what a thing is. Nothing beats a thing, therefore you should check out noTHING to understand the real meaning of thing THROUGH other things. Things are just what you want things to be. Be a thing, or the thing may be you.
Notable things[edit | edit source]
Presently, the only notable thing in existence is Thing #4, arguably the greatest thing ever. Thing #4 combines innovation with complete surprise, with its built-in RANDOM feature. Here's how it works: take your Thing #4, rub it all over, and wait for the magic to work! Thing #4 can occasionally have bad consequences.
- instant baldness
- a random swear word being shouted, seemingly from you
- instantaneous fabrication of two or three fish tacos in a little baggy
- Sean Connery doing his Bond impression
Many law suits have been filed due to the randomness of Thing #4, but the makers of Thing #4, FrobozzCo International, have consistently won each trial by use of their very own product. This consistency has been the recipient of much skepticism from common users of Thing #4, whose usage has been considerably less consistent. Nevertheless, the market for Thing #4 thrives today in sex shops (and the occasional tobacco shop) around the world.
An interesting point to be made is that Thing #4 was in fact the fourth thing ever made. In fact, it was only after the invention of Earth, man, and woman that FrobozzCo International possessed the ingenuity to invent such an incredible object. It was indeed the fourth, and it must also be noted that this item was first invented before Sophia Loren and even 42.
Thing #1 and Thing #2 are actually Thing #5 and Thing #6, and the Cat in the Hat is Thing #7.
Oh yeah, and there's that thing that lives in Antarctica and eats and imitates everyone…and dogs.
Thing #8[edit | edit source]
Thing #8 is more well known as thing, but for copyright issues Satan, we cannot refer to him as that, for that reason, we will refer to him as Thing #8. He has been seen hanging around the Addams household and old Staples commercials.
The Great Thing[edit | edit source]
The Great Thing is the watcher of all things, or everything in general. He is the CEO of FrobozzCo, and is seen here taking a jog through the streets of New Fork.
The thing-thing[edit | edit source]
Thing-things are small grey bioweapons that look like dots. Despite being of simple design, they can still kick your ass, i.e. the thing has a thing.
List of things[edit | edit source]
- <insert name here> – a notable deconstructive thing theorist at the little-known Jesus H. Smith Mormon University in Chelsea, New York City.
- a sandwich
- this article
- that thing that looks like a dog but is actually some alien that assimilates things and imitates them, and ends up becoming all sorts of weird things including a head with spider legs
- an egg
- a vagina
Did you know [these things]…[edit | edit source]
