The Creature
“I am so very sorry.”
“Throughout the vast shadowy world of ghosts and demons there is no figure so terrible, no figure so dreaded and abhorred, yet dight with such fearful fascination, as The Creature, who is itself neither ghost nor demon, but yet who partakes the dark natures and possesses the mysterious and terrible qualities of both.”
“And then god spake unto the world and said, thou shalt have a son, and it shalt Mega-Pwn you. And this son will be called The Creature, and it shall destroy all that you have to live for, and all that you could hope to achieve.”
| "The Creature" | ||
| ||
| The Creature | ||
|---|---|---|
| Position | "Supreme Being On Earth", "Grand Fuhrer" of The Fourth Reich, & 39th Master of The Universe,
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| Motive | Form an army to take control of Uncyclopedia by Force, burn down every structure that has ever stood.
| |
| Preferred Instruments/Weapons of torture/death | Methane gas, serrated kitchen knives, concentrated solutions of industrial strength hydrofluoric acid, scissors, piano wire, spear guns, gas chamber, roasting spit, scalpel
| |
| Born | Sodom, 666 BC.
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| Other alias | Grand Führer, Proletarian Revolutionary Leader, The Antichrist.
| |
| Victims | 92,581,666+ (Excluding Scientologists, who aren't human or sentient beings anyway.) | |
The Creature (born Adolf Heinrich Eugene Aryan Nation Eugene), is a Jewish methamphetamine abuser, rapper, occasional singer and actor, and an Unidentified Farting Object, that is, a UFO (not to be confused with UFO).
The Creature is also, without a doubt, the most evil entity to have ever existed. The Creature has died many times since its supposed creation at the beginning of time, but, as is often the case with these evil beings, it always comes back in a new form, to terrorize the world all over again. This article merely documents the "life" of the last incarnation of The Creature, one of many which has plagued the Earth since the beginning of time.
The current incarnation of The Creature is perhaps best known for its attempts at founding a "Fourth Reich" in Australia, and its founding of the "religion" of Creaturesism, (a "religion" reputedly more whacked-out than Scientology), in which it is acknowledged as being the "Supreme Being On Earth". The Creature has also been identified as being all of the following things: Demon Prince Of Hell, Devil spawn, The Dark Lord of Chaos, and Vampiric Spawn of the Undead. If The Creature is to be believed, then it is also the physical manifestation of God on Earth.
Early Life (1993-2011)[edit | edit source]
“In the beginning, god created the heavens, the earth and The Creature, (the latter being created when some of gods armpit sweat mingled with his toe jam,) and thus the first and greatest evil entered the world”
It is believed that The Creature as an entity was created (accidentally) by God when the latter was creating the universe. The Creature, on a number of occasions, has in fact been killed, but it is always reborn again, giving life on earth only a small respite after its death, before proceeding to be reborn and terrorize it all over again. The chains of events which caused the dinosaurs to become extinct have been largely attributed to The Creature, as have the other mass extinctions which have occurred throughout the ages.
Numerous theories remain as to where and how the current incarnation of The Creature was created/spawned/summoned. One of the most popular theories to date states that the current incarnation of The Creature was born on or around the year 1993, on Dagobah, to a mutant-zombie nanny goat and an unaccomplished wookie bank robber. Another theory states that The Creature was resurrected by a sick and twisted individual known only as Doctor X, in a random experimental laboratory in Siberia. (Siberia being the place where all manner of sick and twisted creatures are bred). The Creature to this day however, has maintained that it was neither created, summoned or spawned, but rather, "placed on earth to bring about peace, goodness and happiness". Ironically, The Creature only ever acted contrary to its random pompous statement, and was on many occasions labelled as being the "harbinger of death and chaos" everywhere it went. (In this matter it is not to be confused with another "It", George Bush).
Either way, despite its mysterious coming into existence, it is known that The Creature spent the first six years of its life on a free-range moisture farming farm in rural Western Australia, where at an early it started heavily abusing its cough medicine, and later, alcohol, such that by the age of 5 it had become a raging alcoholic.
At this point in time it was decided that The Creature would be home schooled, as it had a tendency to eat all of its crayons, (a tendency which would remain with it for the rest of its "life"), and had still not quite mastered the art of speech. The Creature was eventually fortunate enough to be accepted into a "normal" school through the ' "affirmative" action program for the mentally retarded'. Various sources are unanimous in agreement that The Creature was always alienated during its student years because of its habit of talking to itself, its various alter egos, or its numerous imaginary friends, and because it continually yelled obscenities at anyone who didn't share in its radical hatred of "The Taser-Monkies who live in the F****** sewers!" Although The Creature insists that it was a "model" student, a "veritable angel", close associates to it around that time state that "It was a F****** retard!".
Following The Creatures "accidental" murder of a teacher and some students, and its subsequent eating of their brains, The Creature allegedly lived as a recluse with the "Wookies in the Himalayas" for the rest of its youthful years, however it would be a few more years before humanity realised that this entity was in fact The Creature.
Middle Years (2011-2013)[edit | edit source]
“Evil is a point of view. God kills indiscriminately, and so shall I. For no creatures under God are as I am, none so like Him as myself.”
“The Creature was corrupt in gods sight and was full of violence. The Lord saw how great The Creatures wickedness on the earth had become and that every inclination of the thoughts was of its heart was only evil all the time. And so The Lord said: "I will wipe The Creature (whom I accidentally created), from the face of the earth, for I am grieved that it has destroyed everything I have striven for." ”
“...And I shall execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am The Creature, when I lay my vengeance upon them...”
Whilst living as a recluse with the Wookies in the Himalayas, The Creature had ample time to focus its "considerable" talents on film-making, The Creature, over the course of the next few months managing to direct such block-buster disasters as the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and its personal favourite: Attack of the Zombie-Cyborg-Alien-Pirate-Robot-Demon-Raptor-Clone-Mutant-Biomechanic Teletubbies from Outer Space (all 18 of them), and AOTZCAPRDRCMBTFOS the musical, amongst others. There still exists today much opposition towards the films because of their extremely graphic content.
Following this random digression to film-making, The Creature, with the help of God (who spoke to it on a daily basis, and in time provided it with literacy and the gift of speech), was able to write its first book, Nephtali (Hebrew for "Mein Kampf"). The book proved to be a complete and utter flop mainly because it was largely illegible (The Creature using crayons (that is, until it ate them,) tomato sauce, and blood to write its text), was written in Cyrillic text (judging by the random characters in the more legible parts of the text), was unintelligible, and had a strong tendency to randomly digress into other completely unrelated topics. The book essentially summed up all of The Creatures hatred towards people of non-Caucasian heritage, and fans of Stephenie Meyers "thoroughly repugnant" series, Twilight, but because nobody appeared in the least bit interested, the book never entered into mainstream publication.
The Creature then proceeded to travel around Asia and preach its belief that "Asians are inferior," which seriously pissed-off many Asian nations to the extent that China eventually nuked Perth, The Creatures current city of residence, in an effort to be rid of the crazy white Mofo. Unfortunately for China, indeed the world, The Creature had spent a great deal of time adding scraps of metal, mostly lead, to the sides of its "house" in an attempt to block-out "those US and Soviet mind-control lasers from outer-space", and the supposed "listening devices in the clouds". The Creature therefore did not die from the first, or subsequent nuclear explosions (which were exploded by various other nations in the hope of killing The Creature.) Fortunately no other human being was harmed in these nukings of Perth, the original populace having fled The Creature many months prior.
The Creature randomly pledged revenge against an imaginary aardvark named Steve, who it blamed for its eventual facial deformity bought on by a tumour, and the resultant nuclear winter, before it entered the U.S. via the Canadian border, and independently ran for presidency, eventually garnering a "disappointing" eight votes from a group of junkie Neo-Nazis. The Creature was then ruthlessly hunted down, experimented on, and tortured by both the CIA and FBI, before the b******s finally decided to shoot it into deep space. Whilst in space, The Creature allegedly met the Scientology being Xenu (supposed "dictator" of the "Galactic Confederacy" seventy-five million years ago,) who healed it of its brain tumour, and empowered The Creature with the gift of "a Brain". The Creature then proceeded to built itself a teleporter, or a Tardis (The Creatures various alter ego's differ on this point), with which it was able to beam itself down to earth. The Creature then attempted to join The Church Of Scientology, but was unable to do so because The Creature was short of money, and because The Creature was judged as being "Too weird, even by our standards."
The double-crossing b******s then recommended The Creature to an expensive private mental hospital, from which they expected to get large kickbacks, (much of their previous adherents having passed through the same doors), however, the Scientologists' calculating and conspiring ways ultimately amounted to little as The Creature at that instant suddenly suffered from a debilitating attack of flatulence, and thus unintentionally killed over one thousand of these scientologists, (and also caused global sea-levels to rise 5 meters.)
The Creature was lauded for its great contribution to man by all of the world governments, (except that of the U.S, which, alas, has already been infiltrated, and fallen victim to the evil grip of oppression known as "Scientology"), but was still unable to actually visit any of these nations because, despite the great service The Creature had rendered to humanity, no country was actually willing to accept The Creature. The Creature was thus forced to illegally return to Australia in 2013.
"Fourth Reich"(2013)[edit | edit source]
“...For the land is mine; for ye are strangers and sojourners with me. And it shalt henceforth be known as The Fourth Reich, and we shall bring peace and prosperity to the galaxy.”
“One does not simply walk into The Fourth Reich...”
Having illegally arrived in Australia, The Creature randomly commandeered a block of city apartments in inner Sydney by literally gassing out its occupants, whereupon it duly proclaimed itself the 39th Master of the Universe. (A random title which it invented.) Despite several attempts by the SAS to "Gut it out", The Creature was able to maintain its stranglehold on the apartments, and was even able to gain considerable financial allowances from the government provided that it didn't gas any of the surrounding suburbs, (all of which were speedily abandoned.) With its new found wealth, The Creature again took to drugs.
Whilst The Creature lay in a stoned stupor, a desperate group of Scientologist junkies entered the block of flats, and promptly began to take advantage of the large wads of cash The Creature was receiving from the government as part of its "Keep The Creature Stoned and Appeased" policy, using the money to buy drugs for themselves. (Scientologists are the only known group of "people" able to withstand the unbearable stench of The Creature, which would serve to support the notion that perhaps Scientologists are not in fact "people", but aliens, a belief which is shared by many academics.) The fact that the new inmates of the new community were Scientologists did not become known to The Creature until much later, when The Creature found out that human beings died in a matter of milliseconds when exposed to even the slightest whiff of it stench.
The Creature at this time decided to name the community, (micronation, given the fact that the Australian government wanted to have no affiliation with The Creature,) "The Fourth Reich," which it did in the belief that it had indeed created a new Germanic Empire. Under the allusion that the outside world recognised its community as "The Fourth Reich," (which it did not, the term never actually being used outsie of the micronation,) The Creature forced the inmates of the "Fourth Reich" to refer to him only as "Grand Fuhrer," (a remark which was followed by a Sieg Heil! and a salute,) and went on to implement laws to restrict lawyers, politicians and Scientologists from entering its micronation. The Creature advocated a strong, centralised government, and claimed to defend the "Fourth Reich", and its residents, from Scientology and so-called Jewish subversion. Ultimately The Creature sought to create an autarkic totalitarian state in which It had absolute rule, but its attempts met little success because The Creature had a tendency to overdose regularly on drugs, and was thus in no mental or psychological state to govern its micronation well.
Being unsure of whether or not It, The Creature, could convert the residents of the "Fourth Reich" into Creaturists (that is, adherents to the "religion" The Creature had created,) The Creature set about rewriting the Bible to suit its own purposes, namely the defamation Scientology, which it did in revenge for The Churches rejecting of The Creature. This new version of "Christianity" insisted that Jesus was not in fact a Jew, but in fact despised the Jews, (and Scientologists,) claimed that L Ron Hubbard is in fact Satan, and that it was in fact a Judeo-Scientological conspiracy which led to the death of Jesus. Ultimately this "revised" Christianity met little success in the "Fourth Reich", and so The Creature dropped the idea in favour of forcing all the residents of the "Fourth Reich" to become Creaturists, (which, it was found, suspiciously resembled Scientology in much of its workings and money-making schemes.) The Creature then proceeded to force all its "disciples" to recognise it as the "Supreme Being of the Universe", and acknowledge its "Master Of The Universe"-ness, which the residents of Happyville, in their hallucinogenic states, did.
The laws and institutions introduced by The Creature, however, had all been completely forgotten by both The Creature and the junkies one week later because all were more interested in shooting up and getting high.
The Creature also took it upon itself to "purify the race of the "Fourth Reich," its efforts in doing so eventually causing It to either euthanise the people it deemed "disabled people," (of which there were many,) or sterilise those people with mental deficiencies or illnesses which it perceived as being hereditary. By the end of The Creature "purifying of the Gene-pool," almost all of the population of the Fourth Reich had either been euthanised, or sterilised.
“The worst danger is that we are interrupting the natural selection process ourselves (by caring for the sick and the weak)... The most far-sighted racial state in history, Sparta, systematically implemented these racial laws...And I intend to do the same.”
A Coup d'etat of the "Fourth Reich" was attempted a few months after the seizure of the flats by a disgruntled group of "Fourth Reichers," who were no doubt annoyed at the seemingly random Euthanisation of much of the populace. The Coup d'état was ultimately unsuccessful because The Creature, scared at the sound of angry Scientologists battering down its door, flatulated, and thus caused the death of all the inhabitants of the flats. The Creature quickly gave itself "emergency powers", declared itself the soi-disant "Proletarian Revolutionary Leader", changed the name of Happyville to the "Democratic Totalitarian State of Creatureville", rescinded all of the participants' "Fourth Reich" citizenships and passports, and put the entire block of flats into lockdown. That is, until The Creature realised that it had in fact killed all of the flats inhabitants, and would thus be unable to enforce any of these "temporary emergency measures".
Following these events, The Creature fell into a great depression, and began talking to imaginary sock puppets.
Death (2013)[edit | edit source]
“Repent! And thou shalt be- Aaaarggh!”
“And there was much rejoicing...”
The Creature (rather fittingly) died of cancer later that year in a maximum-security mental institution.
On the third day of its death however, The Creature miraculously rose again, and ascended into heaven. By doing so, it scared the holy Bajezzus (no pun intended) out of Christians around the world, who were unsure as to whether they should be treating this random ascension as the second coming of Jesus. (The Christians' fears were allayed however when it was discovered that the resurrection gag was just an elaborate parlour trick The Creature had learned earlier in its "life").
Following the death of The Creature, numerous reports of sightings of The Creature suddenly began springing up everywhere. People on street corners and shops could be heard to say: "I saw The Creature just the other day and it was... burning that," or, "...stalking this person..." A certain trigger-happy Texan redneck even reported having shot it, while the latter was testing out his sniper skills in public. Jesus himself was pretty pissed about the whole "second coming" shtick, and so he also made various attempts on The Creatures life. The Creature eventually ascended to heaven, and the inhabitants of the earth were able to breathe a deep, and well deserved, sigh of relief.
Legacy[edit | edit source]
“In the beginning, there was only darkness. And within this darkness many people stumbled around in the dark and usually got a bruise in the head by walking into a wall. That is, until they discovered the light. There was one person who brought this holy light, and this person only could save the world. This one person had the power to change, the power to think, and the power to act. The Creature was definitely not this person.”
Books By The Creature[edit | edit source]
- Nephtali
- On Scientologists And Their Lies
- The Rise of the (Other) Fourth Reich: The Evil Society Of Scientology That Threatens to Take Over The West
Discography Of The Creature[edit | edit source]
For some reason, The Creature actually had a singing career. All of The Creatures albums have sold at least -11.8 copies put together.
- All Hail The Creature (666 BCE)
- I am The Creature! (666 AD)
- Gangsta The Creature! (1993 AD)
Selected Filmography Of The Creature[edit | edit source]
- Attack of the Zombie-Cyborg-Alien-Pirate-Robot-Demon-Raptor-Clone-Mutant-Biomechanic Teletubbies from Outer Space (Episodes I-XVIII) (4BC-33 AD)
- Attack of the Zombie-Cyborg-Alien-Pirate-Robot-Demon-Raptor-Clone-Mutant-Biomechanic Teletubbies from Outer Space The Musical(63 AD)
- Peter Jackson's The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy (2002-2003 AD)
Notable Achievements Of The Creature[edit | edit source]
Please note, this area would be blank was it not for the numerous random awards (not listed,) which The Creature invented, and awarded to itself.
Films About The Creature[edit | edit source]
Several films to date have been made about The Creatures activities, all of them by Quentin Tarantino. Although known for his excessively violent films, Tarantino was heard to state that "It is simply not possible to accurately recreate the violence and bloodshed which characterised all of (The) Creatures "life", and as such, only half of the scenes of each film will contain violence." One of the films (They're All Dead, (The) Creature, And You Killed Them, You F*****g Monster!) was so "Warped and twisted", that it was awarded an "X" 22+ rating, and was not released to the public. Two other movies have since been completed.
- They're All Dead, (The) Creature, And You Killed Them, You F*****g Monster! (1996 AD)
- Drop the Weapon, (The) Creature! (1998 AD)
- The Creature, You're a Sick Sick F***. (2000 AD)
Books About The Creature[edit | edit source]
Several books have also been written about The Creature, however none of the books have made it big, the fact that they are about a deranged, sadistic weirdo having something to do with this.
Public Reaction[edit | edit source]
The reaction of the general public to the crimes committed by The Creature is decidedly negative. The Creature did, on occasions, manage to wipe out thousands of Scientologists, but these rare occasions of awesomeness are of course counterbalanced by the (many) negative things it did, namely raise sea-levels by about 100%, be the reason for the destruction of both Perth and Sydney, and generally screw everything up. Governments around the world are in agreement that The Creature, like one of its greatest aspirations, Mao Zedong, is 50% good, and 50% bad.
The Creatures Message To Humanity[edit | edit source]
You think this is over? You think the 24-hour armed guards are going to stop me, just as this straitjacket was supposed to stop me typing? You are fools earthlings, fools! I will escape from this s*****e and wreak my magical leprechaun wrath upon you all! <Hysterical laughter>. And you so called "Uncyclopedians"; I could do your job way better than anyone in here. I can manage this site way better than you, you know why? Cause I'm (The) F****** Creature! I made my own cult- (I mean, religion!), I have my own micronation (which is totally not just a convoluted excuse to avoid paying taxes), I answer to nobody, and I'm respected- something you N00b's will never be! So come on, MAKE ME A GOD DAMN UNCYCLOPEDIA ADMINISTRATOR SO I CAN WRITE HEAPS OF FACTUAL AND INFORMATIVE ARTICLES AND ATTRACT THE RIGHT DEMOGRAPHIC OF PEOPLE TO THIS RETARDED WEBSITE. (As opposed to the adherents to whacked out cults who aimlessly trawl through your s***.) I AM ALWAYS RIGHT, I AM BETTER THAN YOU. F*** YOU EARTHLINGS, F*** YOU!
Sorry About That[edit | edit source]
The Creature is currently in a correctional institution and, despite our sincerest efforts, has been avoiding it meds for sometime now. I'm a representative from the correctional institution and on behalf of The Creature, I apologize that this has happened. We'll take further steps to make sure that this never happens again. As such, we're stripping The Creature of its internet Privileges, restraining it with heavy doses of morphine, and we'll be locking it in a big padded white room indefinitely. Thank you for your understanding. Oh, yeah, and we'll be crucifying it in January. (Tickets to this event are available at Ticketech)
The Creatures Ideology[edit | edit source]
Much of The Creatures political, racial and religious beliefs were formulated in his book "Nephtali." (Hebrew for "Mein Kampf.") His ideology initially had three main thoughts, however, following The Creature' rejection from the Church Of Scientology, The Creature revised Nephtali to include another (veheminately anti-Scientologist,) section. The four main thoughts were:
- White people are superior for the simple reason that I, The Creature, am White
- It is the duty of all Creaturists to fight against the evil, fiendish Judeo-Scientological conspiracy which plans to take over the world and establish a "Fourth Reich" to rival my Fourth Reich
- The Twilight series is s***. All Creaturists must fight the growing power of "That Satanical being, Stephenie Meyer."
- Scientology is EVIL! A Jihad on L Ron Hubbard and his minions!
Anti-Scientology Rhetoric[edit | edit source]
- See also: Scientologist Haters
“I believe that L Ron Hubbard is actually none other than Heinrich Himmler of the SS, who fled to Argentina and is now responsible for the stealing of babies from hospitals and raising them as 'super-soldiers' for the purpose of overthrowing the Australian Fed. Govt. in a bloody revolution. I fear plans for a 'Fourth Reich' to be established on our home soil under the vise-like grip of oppression known as Scientology are already underway, and that it is only a matter of time before they rise up and kill us all!”
The Creature, following its rejection from the Church Of Scientology, became a staunch hater of Scientologists, and on many occasions massacred them in their thousands. In one of its books, "The Rise of the (Other) Fourth Reich: The Evil Society Of Scientology That Threatens to Take Over The West," The Creature argued that "some surviving members of Germany's Third Reich, along with adherents and sympathisers of Scientology, (particularly in the U.S,) have been working behind the scenes since the end of World War II to enact a bloody coup...Through use of media propaganda and business corporations, and by spying on citizens, this group has gained control of national interests and ideas...it is only a matter of time before a new "Fourth Reich," one to rival my own, will take form."
According to Creatureist propaganda, the Scientologists "thrive on fomenting division amongst Westerners, and amongst states."
The Creatures hatred of Scientology, as is vividly seen in the afore mentioned statements, actually appears to be primarily racial, The Creature at one point stating: “The Scientologist is the enemy and destroyer of the purity of blood, the conscious destroyer of our race." This statement would lead us to believe that The Creature, like many academics, does not believe the Scientologists to be "Caucasian," or human for that matter.
The Creatures deep sense of paranoia, dislike of "Untermensch," that is, non Indo-Europeans, and hatred of "rival cults religions are no doubt the reasons behind its dislike of Scientlogists.
Political & Racial Beliefs[edit | edit source]
- See also: Nazis
The Creature throughout its lifetime maintained a strong relationship with the White Nationalist organisation, and both the National Socialist and Republican parties. The White Nationalist organisations' ideas and theories on race have been described as being both racist and white supremacist in nature, The Creature claims not to be a supremacist, but a separatist, stating at one point "I just want a homeland for the white people...one in which they can be free of pressure and dilution from those parasitic "Untermensch," and the "Lebensunwertes Leben." I am not a racist, merely a realist."
During the months spent as "Führer" of Happyville, The Creature advocated a strong, centralised government, and claimed to defend Happyville, and the residents of Happyville from Scientology and so-called Jewish subversion. Ultimately The Creature sought to create an autarkic totalitarian state in which It had absolute rule, however its attempts largely failed because The Creature had a tendency to overdose regularly on drugs, and was thus in no mental or psychological state to govern its micronation well.
As could be expected of one who shares such a fanatical loathing for Scientologists and, to a lesser extent, Jews, The Creature has, on many a random occasion, been seen to execute a Nazi salute.
The Creature always votes for the British National party whenever an election occurs. This fact, combined with many others would lead us to believe that The Creature was, without a doubt, a Neo-Nazi.
Eugenics[edit | edit source]
“The worst danger is that we are interrupting the natural selection process ourselves (by caring for the sick and the weak)... The most far-sighted racial state in history, Sparta, systematically implemented these racial laws...And I intend to do the same.”
“Purge the unclean, kill the mutant, burn the heretic!”
In one rare interview, The Creature said that it believed "Great Adolf" (as The Creature like likes to call him,) was a "great man" with "good ideas", such as eugenic standards, incentives to improve the genetic quality of the Aryan people, and marriage loans to help qualified German families to have a firm financial basis. The belief in the need to "keep the Aryan race pure," led The Creature to, against the will of the people in the "Fourth Reich," either euthanise the disabled people (of which there were many,) or sterilise those people with mental deficiencies or illnesses which it perceived as being hereditary. By the end of The Creature "purifying of the Gene-pool," almost all of the population of the Fourth Reich had either been euthanised, or sterilised, something which no doubt influenced disedents within the "Fourth Reich" to rebel against their mentally unsound overlord.
The Creature also described the Holocaust as being "exaggerated" and "blown out of all proportion," believing it to be simply a very long and boring movie that brainwashed "all but the most intelligent people" who lived in that period.
Megalomania[edit | edit source]
- See also: List Of Beings Claiming To Be God
Throughout all of its "life", The Creature exhibited many signs of what could only be described as being an extreme case of megalomania, believing itself to be the "physical manifestation of God on Earth", and the "Supreme Being On Earth," amongst other things. The development of the "religion" of Creaturism could be said to be a manifestation of this Megalomania.
The Creature believes that Great Adolf, (as It likes to call him), will one day rise from the dead and make it his Queen Nazi. No doubt the two have much in common.
Religion[edit | edit source]
- See also: Founders Of Whacked-Out Cults
The Creatures attitude towards religions other than "Creaturism" changed frequently throughout its lifetime, with The Creature sometimes being cooperative and embrasive of other religions, but at other times appearing persecutive and denouncive (which isn't actually a real word...) of the same religions. The Creature extreme bipolarism-ness no doubt played some role in this.
Initially being unsure of whether its religion "Creatureism" would be accepted by the inhabitants of the "Fourth Reich," The Creature attempted to start its own version of Christianity, called "Creatureist" Christianity, making major changes to the accepted interpretation of the Bible. The "Creatureist" Bible acknowledged the fact that Jesus was the son of God, but insisted that he was not in fact a Jew, but in fact despised the Jews (and Scientologists.) It also went on to claim that L Ron Hubbard is in fact Satan, and that it was a conspiracy between the Jews and Scientologists which led to the death of Jesus. Ultimately, nobody was remotely interested in this form of "Christianity," and so The Creature dropped the idea in favour of forcibly converting people to Creaturesism, which it proceeded to do in 2013.
The "religion" of Creatureism, which The Creature founded, is suspiciously similar in many of its ideals and schemes, to Scientology, but overall takes on an even more anti-non-white-people stance, and asks its adherents to be fanatically loyal to the supposed "Supreme Being On Earth", The Creature. As such, the "religion" never really found any popularity outside of the American South, whacked out cults, and the occassional drug rehabilitation centre. When "Creatureist" Christianity failed to interest any "Fourth Reichers" (as was the accepted denonym,) The Creature proceeded to force all residents of the "Fourth Reich" to convert to Creatureism, which the populace, having no real choice in the matter, being typical Scientologists, and acting under the influence of various hallucinogens, stimulants, solvents and/or aerosols, did.
The Creature And Occultism[edit | edit source]
“He who doth not have the demonic seed within himself will never give birth to a magical world”
Since the beginning of time, when the first carnation of The Creature came into being, The Creature has been associated with dark forces, the supernatural, secret societies, hidden powers, and even Satan, who on occasions supposedly possessed The Creature. Many members of the Catholic Church in fact believe that The Creature was possessed by a demon, or was itself a demon. Father Gabriele Amorth, an exorcist of the Vatican is convinced that "...The Creature was possessed. All you have to do is think about what The Creature did. Almost certainly It was possessed by the devil."
Theosophist Alice Bailey believed that The Creature was possessed by what she called "Dark Forces." "Through The Creature, energies of the Antichrist were released...For the Antichrist is no living being, but a destructive force of energy." Certainly, all the evidence collected over the past few millennia would serve to reinforce this view.
Several books and documentaries about The Creature and Occultism have been published:
- The Creature: The Occult Conspiracy By L Ron Hubbard.
- The Occult History of The Creature and the Fourth Reich By the History Channel.
- The Creature and the Occult By The Creature.
The Creature: God?[edit | edit source]
- See also: List Of Beings Claiming To Be God
The Creature was able to prove, irrefutably, (at least, to itself,) that it is in fact the physical manifestation of God on Earth. The Creature used the following syllogism to "prove" this fact:
- I, The Creature, am Love;
- God is Love;
- Therefore, I, The Creature, am God.
When people point out that this fallacious statement is in fact contradictive of many of its previous statements, (e.g. The "...God kills indiscriminately, and so shall I. For no creatures under God are as I am, none so like it as myself..."statement,) The Creature usually kills them by using bits of piano wire, concentrated solutions of hydrofluoric acid, and/or mephitic, (bodily) gases.
How To Kill The Creature[edit | edit source]
It is believed that if all of the following actions/methods/weapons are employed against The Creature, The Creature might actually keel over and die:
- If it is somehow forced to read the entirety of this article
- If the feared bounty hunter Elmo is employed to do the grim task
- If a crucifix, kryptonite, and/or garlic are used to force The Creature against a wall,and a wooden stake is driven into its heart. (That is, assuming it has a heart.)
- If an industrial strength, diamond-capped-bladed blender is used
- If a particle supercollider is used
- If all of the antimatter in the universe is used
- If an industrial-strength microwave oven is used
- If a large gas chamber with gaseous cyanide and zyklon-B is used
- And if a particularly pungent hunk of Jarlesberg cheese is present...
Naturally none of these methods have actually been tested or proven, for the obvious reason that no human has, to date, managed to come within five kilometres of The Creature.
Random Quotes By The Creature[edit | edit source]
“Rise up and purge the heretics my faithful inferior followers! Strike down the blasphemous heretics!”
“We hates the F*****s! We hates them!”
“DIE HERETICAL SCUM!”
“Robert Pattinson is a complete and utter retard.”
Previous Incarnations Of The Creature[edit | edit source]
Trivia/Fun Facts[edit | edit source]
The Creature on occasions acted as a Jedi Master on the Jedi Council, and vice president of Dagobah when Yoda was recalled to his local rehabilitation centre. (A frequent and often time-consuming procedure.)
The Creature pays homage to the Flying Spaghetti monster, the "original custodian of the universe."
The Creature is also the founder of the "International Scissor Association", and association dedicated to the "collecting, protecting and sharpening of scissors for make benefit Glorious Nation of (The) Creature". As of 2009 there were 666.666 members, only one of whom is actually real. (Itself.)
One of the last sightings of The Creature before its death was at a local high school where it was seen loitering aimlessly around the oval. The sources validating this claim are admittedly somewhat questionable, but it is believed that The Creature was hoping to score some drugs off some students, or was under the influence of its "whacko Jacko" alter ego, in which case it was probably trying to bribe the kids into coming with it to Neverland. (Its dilapidated refrigerator box which it totally-does-not have second mortgages on.)
The Creature also worked as an ironing board for Mrs McCloggitt of Texas, USA. It would have become the first ironing board to conquer Mount Everest, but for a nasty bus accident on the way to the laundromat.
The Creature has on several occasions cited its belief in the existence of "Taser monkey Brethren", "Turtle-like mutants who inhabit the sewers."
The Creatures drug of choice in the past was a combination known affectionately by it as "Speed Ball" (a deadly mixture of Cocaine, Crack, "cheese" and Heroin), which The Creature usually inserted via a syringe into its armpit, neck or lower backside, and which The Creature then shared with ten, twenty, or usually more, fellow drug addicts.
The Creature stands at 2 feet 5 inches, it growth stunted because of its constant drug and alcohol abuse.
The Creature is in fact five of the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse.
The Creature has kept the skulls of every opponent it has ever slain as trophies. The planet it created out of the mass of skulls it'd obtained was dubbed "The Creatures Happy Funtime World of Death."
