Cable the Larry Guy

“Redneck cyborgs from the future? Has Christmas come early for me this year?”

~ Deadpool on Cable the Larry Guy

“Git r done!”

~ Cable the Larry Guy on everything

Cable, the Larry Guy, is a comic book superhero featured in numerous Marvel Comics. Created in 1989 by Rob Liefeld, the character is a time traveling cyborg from the far distant future. Cable may or may not be a clone of a well known, if unfunny, comic from modern times.

History

Cable first appeared in Slightly New Mutants #143 emerging out of Kirby's Rib Shack carrying his infamously oversized assault rifle and a to-go order of extra-spicy pig's feet. One thing lead to another, and suddenly Cable found himself leading the rag tag group of mutants in a battle to defend a world that hates and fears them. Teaming up with Wolverine at least once a month in at least two different X-books lead to his status as the second most prominent mutant in Marvel comics.

Major Storylines

• X-ur-cutionator's Song: When Professor X was assassinated apparently by Cable himself, the X-Men sprung into action to angst over the death of their beloved leader for 30 issues. Though it turned out the Professor was in fact attacked by Cable's evil duplicate Larry the Cable Guy. Naturally all of the massive angsting by the X-men was in vain, since the Professor quickly recovered from his case of death, yet again for the twelfth time in a row, and went back to work with a hangover and exceedingly surly.
• X-stink-shun Agenda: Large number of Mutants are kidnapped and sent to Madagascar Cable leads a contingent of X-men on a mission to save them from potentially happy and fulfilling lives in the telemarketing industry.
• Maximum Wolverinage: An invasion from the DC Comics universe is attempted by creating an army of unstoppable Wolverine clones. Cable went to the 4th Dimension and acquired the copyleft rights over Wolverine and used this awesome power to fuse all of the clones back into Wolverine. The resulting freakish conglomeration of flesh quickly died, but Wolverine's healing factor allowed him to recover.
• House of N: When Magneto's daughter accidentally rewrites reality so that Sesame Street rules the world. Cable finally finds peace and happiness with Elmo, but it is not meant to be.
• The 198: After Magnetos daughter learns that the reality she created was a lie, she whispered "No more mutants!" and altered reality so that most mutants got infected with GAIDS and lost their powers except for 198 of them. Cable forms his own nation Redneck Island out of the old ship he used to travel back in time, and offers mutants a place to live there. Things go wrong when Cable's ex-girlfriend Domino shows up and wrecks the place, because he didn't call her for the last few years.
• Civil War: Cable leads a group of super heroes from the southern states to try and cede from the union. Working with Captain America, Cable helps fight Iron Man who leads the union super heroes and forms the second confederacy states of America by claiming "Lee surrendered, I didn't!" Everything worked out, until Captain America was assassinated by Crossbones, who worked for the Red Skull, and Cable decided to start drinking heavily after that. George W. Bush using the Patriot Act, declares the second confederate states illegal and forces the southern superheros to register with SHIELD a fascist organization run by Tony Stark after Nick Fury left to live in a free country like Canada soon after Bush signed the Patriot Act into law in 2001.
• Mess-I-ah Complex Cable kidnaps a mutant baby born with powers on day one and might be the mutant savior who can cure mutants of GAIDS which takes away their powers. Bishop wants to kill the baby, because the baby in 80 years time will force the USA to become even more fascist than it is now, as if that could be believed. So Bishop says "What the fuck is that?" and points behind Cable, who looks and is sucker punched. Except Mr. Sinister stole the baby from Bishop using the same trick. Then Mr. Sinister is killed by Mystique. After that it becomes a soap opera. It ends up with Cable the Larry Guy raising the baby girl as his own, except his time travel arm got damaged by Bishop and can only time travel forward. Cable raises the baby girl in the Redneck tradition who calls him "La la" as she cannot pronounce his real name. She laughs at every fart he makes and every joke he makes, and Cable marries Flo the waitress with red hair in 2987 as they move into a double-wide trailer. Meanwhile Bishop is angry that he lost an arm to the X-Beast and stole one of Forge's arms and time travels with it trying to catch Cable. Also he cannot find Cable, so he travels back in time in 2000 and makes sure that Al Gore loses the Presidential election to George W. Bush in an attempt to make the US government even more Fascist to flush out Cable from the time line.

Powers

• Cable the Larry Guy has the strength and endurance of a man five times his age who engages in intense regular masturbation.
• He has a lifetime membership in the National Rifle Association
• His gun is also his penis, and he has been responsible for the accidental disembowelment of at least seventeen women through out the South
• He can travel through time, but only if he's been drinking at a regular interval for at least 24 hours.
• Telepathic ability to find what anyone finds annoying, and then tell a lot of annoying jokes that make no sense.
• Pull my finger power, after eating five cans of beans.

Slogans and Battlecries

Uses annoying slogans like "Git-R-Done" and "I Pissed my Pants" during battle. Claims he is "Madder than a queer with tonsillitis on Valentine's Day" all of the time. Wears plumber pants and bends over and asks "Have you seen my butthole?" to his enemies. When told that he is annoying or not funny, always responds "I don't care who you are, that's funny right there!"

Your UnComprehensive Guide to the Marvel Universe