Venom
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For a long, long time, Spiderman lacked any decent enemies. He came and went, fighting scofflaws like the Green Goblin and Dr. Octopus, and even became so bored he took up photography. Because he was a comic book character, he deathly needed the cliché of the "doppelganger-evil twin" gimmick.
And then there was Venom.
Background[edit | edit source]
When Big V came along, things changed. Now Spidey had a reason to go on. He had a Big V to fight.(Big V does not refer to Kirsten Dunst's huge vagina. See Cave)
Venom is the symbiotic tuxedo being that latched onto Eddie Brock, the arch-rival of geek photographer Peter "don't call me a geek" Parker AKA Spiderman
He is a known eater of people (much like Pamela Anderson). He can also change into a sweet leather jacket with the Spider Woman logo on the back.
He's fought pretty much everybody, including Juggernaut. Due to a clerical error in the Marvel Universe, all super heroes, except those who died, are invulnerable to pain and death. Which is pretty weak, except it's strong. For them. Anyway, Big V and Old Jugs (just a note, 'Big V and Old Jugs': does that sound like a porno to you?)decided to fight it out, and they both got away, only to tell their friends that each had kicked the other ones ass.
Venom: The pimp years[edit | edit source]
Ah, yes. These were the years when you saw Venom walking down the street with a bitch under each arm. You see, after he and Spiderman beat Carnage, Venom went to find himself. After weeks of travel, he came across a half ass town full of abused girls and johns with no hoes. So, as many men would, Venom went to the nearest "Big and Tall Man Shop" and picked up a pimp suit.
Things started off slow, but as time went on he became like Hugh Heffner. He had every type of skank there is. Actually, before she was one of Heff's Hoes, That one bitch, that has no expresion on her fuckin face when she laughs, was one of Venom's Bitches. Well, as most good things do, these times didn't last. Venom didn't expect that more pimps would flood his town, but they did. All his customers and hoes left and so he went back to New York to eat Spiderman.
The Briefs[edit | edit source]
- Created by Prof. R. McDonald whose made millions by having other people design and make cheap toys with his name on them.
- Venom was sent back in time to make sure everyone knew who Todd McDonalds was, and how he deserves more money. Like the Terminator...but sucky.
- Venom forgot who created him, bonded with Spider-man during the Double Secret Wars, and ended up being uber-popular in his own right, so Marvel Comics never gave McDonalds any credit. That douche.
McDonalds used its happy meals to distribute the vast selection of toys that related to its other popular character Spawn. Feeling that his funnybooks were lacking violence and school girls, McDonalds created Spawn as a way to get back at companies that were just making shallow actionpacked sex-filled superhero stories (i.e. good ones) like The Watchmen.
Venom has been known to dress up like Spawn and call Spider-Man up on the phone asking him if he likes the Spawn movies. Spider-Man has numerous restraining orders against Venom but they can't be inforced beyond blocking Venom on his myspace because, well, he's freaking Venom.
Many consider Venom the Godfather of Black Metal, a genre he helped develop in the early 1980s and still considers the pinnacle of popular music today. Spiderman has never been a fan, this makes him like it more.
Ultimate Venom[edit | edit source]
In the Ultimate Marvel universe, Venom is David Brock, a journalist who fell into a vat of ink mixed with gelatin. After failing to wash it off multiple times, he attempted to kill his former coworkers in revenge for being dumb enough to leave said vat of ink lying around. Failing at that, he started up Media Matters for America to complain about them. He failed, however, when his liberal co-workers turned against him, forcing him to run into a nuclear testing plant. The inkstains reacted horribly with the nuclear radiation, turning him into a living Rorschach inkblot. He swore revenge, and has been making life a nightmare for committed mental patients ever since, see David Blaine.
His archenemy is Ultimate Spider-Man, AKA Peter Mandleson. It turns out that in issue 300 of ultimate spider-man, that venom's abnormalities stem from a series of rape attempts from his father and Cthulhu. What, you'd be crazy too by that point.
Venom's Origin[edit | edit source]
As with most supervillain origins, it all started with a simple mistake:
While participating in the first Secret Wars, Spider-Man along with the other heroes taken from their home planet by The Beyonder (who didn't need anything but was unholy bored), decided to hold a fashion show during a lull between battles. Spidey was really annoyed as he hadn't packed his swimwear for the trip, however was overjoyed to find a device that he thought looked like "it wants to make a costume". This machine, called the Vault, produced a small, black blob of goo that immediately smeared itself all over Spidey's color-clashing costume (this also sounds likea bad porno), turning it into an eye-popping display of cutting-edge fashion. Putting aside renaming himself Sexual Chocolate-Man (TM), Peter Parker enjoying the fact that the goopy tuxedo (for that was what it appeared to be) was able to produced its own webbing and could change to mimic any item of clothes he desired. This also meant that Peter no longer had to raid his wife's wardrobe every time she went out. Oh, and at some point Pete had gotten married.
is there somthing on my face This all came to an end when Spider-Man discovered that his stylish new suit was actually an alien symbiote called Brian. This freaked Peter out, as Brian would be able to expose Peter's love of silky underwear, so Spidey paid a visit to Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four. Side Note: I hate the Fantastic Four so much. Fucking radiation.
Mr. Fantastic, whose own body could flow and ebb like goo, immediately tried to separate the two with his "sonic screwdriver" and captured the symbiote for his own "personal" use. 8 hours later he left his private chamber declaring that the synbiode was in fact 'innocent'.
The costume, however, escaped, as it did not want to perform the sex acts that Richards was trying to expose it to and who could blame it, instead it attempted to rejoin Spider-Man, but the hero tried to kill the symbiote using the noise from an electronic greeting card. The symbiote, being as horrified and appalled as the rest of us are by these novelty cards, fled to a chapel on the outskirts of town. Unbeknownst to the creature, Eddie Brock was alone there, praying. Webster New Dictionary definition of 'praying'- Praying (prai-ing)-touching one's self.
As Brock entered a state of persistent vegetation, the symbiote began dripping down from the ceiling, covering Brock with its sticky goodness. Unfortunately, Brock didn't act in time to save himself, and the costume quickly merged with him, transforming him into Venom! YAY DOOM!
People who Wore the Venom Symbiote[edit | edit source]
- Eddie Brock
- David Brock
- Eric Foreman
- Spiderman
- Gene Simmons
- Chuck Norris (created the symbiote with his mind when he was very angry)
- Dark Jesus
- Godzilla
- Hitler
- Santa Claus
- Megabyte
- Barack Obama
- Leonidas from 300 to use the symbiote for steroids for his Spartaaaaaaaan!! army
- Uncle Ben - but that guy still got his ass kicked
- Sonic the Hedgehog {but people for some reason called him "Shadow".}
- <insert name here>
- Ronald McDonald
- Solid Snake
- Don King
- Manny Pacquiao (used for those power punches)
- Discord
- Your Dad (To do all his works)
- King Harkinian
- Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger (Was proven false when they tested his blood and mixed it with pepper)
- Me
- A steampunk guy
- A grue
- That guy
- Agent 47
- Adolf Hitler
- Blackbeard
- Goa tse
- Your mom
- Captain Kirk
- Bruce Banner
- Kanye West
- Asian store-clerk lady
Venom Quotes[edit | edit source]
“I'm not Spawn! I'll eat your internal organs, Jim Lee!”
“Todd, if you keep calling yourself Venom, I'll quit Image and draw Superman comics. I swear to God!”
“Crap, it's Venom. I hate that guy.”
“He almost found me.”
“Lay down your soul to the gods' rock and roll? BLACK METAL!”
“I AM AWESOME!!!”
“ WE ARE VENOM !!! ”
“ No! WE ARE VENOM!!! ”
“ I'm pretty sure WE ARE VENOM!!! ”
“I'm Sparticus!”
“I... am... Venom!”
