Sonic the Hedgehog

Sonic the Hedgehog
Developer(s)	Sega
Publisher(s)	Sega
Genre	Platformer
Platform(s)	Sega Genesis, various
Official website	www.sonicthehedgehog.com

Sonic the Hedgehog (Japanese: Sonicuu uwu Hedgehoguu) has been described as a video game series created by Sega, which centers on a blue anthropomorphic hedgehog by the name of ... well, Sonic the Hedgehog. Typically, this "Sonic the Hedgehog" hedgehog must gotta go fast, collect rings, jump up and down in muddy puddles, free the animals, grab the seven Chaos Emeralds, and tin foil his archvillain Eggman's plans of world domination. Since its inception in 1991, the Sonic series has spawned many different titles, each one of them of wildly varying quality; while the Genesis games were side-scrolling platformers, the series has since expanded into other genres, such as edgy third-person shooters, sword-based Medieval adventures, and God of War clones where Sonic morphs into a werewolf and uses his stretchy arms to fight.

However, those who are more experienced with this subject matter are aware that there's more than meets the eye. The Sonic the Hedgehog franchise has created a cult-like following full of raging fans of such weirdness and depravity that it could perfectly rival religions such as Christianity and Scientology in terms of both fierce idolatry towards an imaginary concept and complete bat fuck insanity. The truth is that Sonic the Hedgehog is more than just a video game franchise – it's a religion of its own.

The Old Testament

Conception and Creation

As it turns out, the Lord created one being faster than Sonic.

In the beginning, there was Zork. Zork begat Space Invaders, Space Invaders begat Asteroids, Asteroids begat Pac-Man, and Pac-Man begat Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong begat Super Mario Bros., and Super Mario Bros. begat the NES. And everything was peaceful in the realm of video games, until a new challenger approached; a challenger by the name of Sega. Sega grew jealous of Nintendo's legacy, and in all its envy and hatred, it begat the Master System. Being a child of envy, the Master System was an abomination, but it begat a twin: the Sega Genesis. And the Genesis was the genesis for a new universe, a universe by the name of Sonic the Hedgehog.

Taken from the Book of Genesis, verses 19:9–1:

“ And the Lord spake unto Naka and Oshima, ‘Craft from the finest pixels a mascot of the highest quality, and he shall be of 16-bit architecture and live in Green Hill Zone.’
And Naka and Oshima created a mascot of 16-bit architecture and named him Sonic. And Sonic was blessed with divine powers of speed and the Lord gave him the holy color. And the Lord issueth instructions unto Sonic:
‘Go forth and fulfill your purpose, to defeat the fat, rescue the pink, infuriate the pseudo-Italian, destroy conveniently placed televisions, carry thee inordinate amounts of rings on your person, and performeth thinly-veiled Dragon Ball Z references when exposed to precious stones.’
And fulfill his purpose he did, and the Lord was enriched by it (to the tune of four million copies). ”

Golden Age

Unfortunately Tails wasn't carved from the same stone as Sonic.

And thus began the first of many battles between the fast blue one and the slow fat one, who would be named Dr. Robotnik. Whence Sonic's original purpose was fulfilled, the Lord blessed him with him with a sidekick, who was his to do with as he pleased. And his first of disciples was known as Miles, but preferred to be called Tails. From thence, the duo rebuffed their efforts to defeat the fat one, and many a mighty battle ensued. These are chronicled in the second chapter of the Book of Genesis:

Taken from the Book of Genesis, verses 19:9–2:

“ In AD 1992, war beginneth. ‘What happen?’ spake Sonic. And his disciple Tails respondeth, ‘Somebody set us up the Death Egg!’
He continued, ‘We get signal,’ and Sonic was shocked. ‘Main screen turn on,’ his disciple declared. And Robotnik the Fat appeared before them and said unto them, ‘How are you gentlemen. All your chaos emerald are belong to me.’
And Sonic was outraged; ‘What you say!!’ But the fat one was defiant, and spake only insults unto them. ‘You have no chance to survive make your stage time. Hahahahahahaha.’
And Sonic decreed, ‘Take off every new game!’ His disciple resisted, saying ‘You know what you doing?’ And Sonic replied unto him, ‘Make move knew game! For great high-score!’ ”

Amy is known to be slightly more direct than most fangirls.

And thus began the first of many battles between the fast blue one and the slow fat one. They brought many great victories to Sonic in the name of the Lord, who showered him with blessings. The first of these were a pair of television shows, which brought great happiness to many for years to come.

Taken from the Book of AoStH, verses 19:9–3:

“ Snooping as usual I see!
Touch my PINGAS!
I hereby promote you to PINGAS monkey third class!
It’s my new PINGAS! Just like me, it’s crooked. How do you like it? ‘We love it!’ ‘It's large!’ ”

Upon returning from the success of his second adventure, Sonic was "blessed" with a dedicated 12-year-old fangirl, who was to be named Amy Rose, pursuing him 24/7, installing hidden cameras in his home, immune to restraining orders, more skilled in infiltration than Tom Cruise on a string and hornier than rhinoceros in heat. Following the Book of the Disk-Compression of Genesis, Sonic was blessed with a second disciple, Knuckles, and a third adventure, which was to be considered his best yet.

Unfortunately, these good times were not to last.

The New Testament

Return to (and speedy fall from) Glory

After a hiatus of multi-years, Sonic resumed questing against Robotnik, who had undergone intense rebranding as "Dr. Eggman", and was polite enough to wait for Sonic. When Sonic returned, the Lord decreed that he must enter the 32-bit realm and do battle there. And for a time, all was good; so says the Book of Adventures.

Before long the disciples had amassed to such proportions they could no longer fit in a single photo.

Taken from the Book of Adventures, verses 19:9–8 and 20:0–1:

“ And when Sonic entered the third dimension, the action was still intense, the fangirl was still persistent, and the sidekick was still subjugated and angsty, and thus all was good.
But things would no remain like that for long; for other disciples would join him, and much like a drunken frat boy crashes a party, so did Sonic’s new disciples spoil the paradise of his newfound three-dimensional glory.
For when the multiple tedious gameplay styles, the Fat Cat, the Emo, and Ms. Fanservice were begat to aid Sonic, they brought the curses of recolor fan characters and perverts and sodomites upon the world.
And thus, wherever they walked, the curses of recolors, perverts and sodomites followed them, and wherever the curses walked, desolation, weeping, used inhalers, and autism followed them. ”

In his frustration, the Lord grew restless and began to lose his sanity, and began to make bad decision after bad decision, and "gifted" Sonic with disciple after disciple until he proved the phrase "twelve's a crowd", thus given in the Book of Heroes.

Taken from the Book of Heroes, verses 20:0–3:

“ The Lord spake unto Sonic, ‘Go forth and bring your two closest disciples to Seaside Hill, and begin again your quest upon the fat one. Upon your journey you shall meet with three other teams, and in these teams there shall be three members each:
There shall be the team of the slightly discontent with life, the team of the slightly obsessed, and the team that does not quite fit in, like a Macbook in Steve Ballmer's office.’
And Sonic did as the Lord spake unto him, even when the public gave mixed response. ”

Salvation briefly came when the Lord gave in to the superior handheld console prowess of its old rival Nintendo, and Sonic sought to conquer the realm of the DS with the aid of his newest disciple, Blaze the slightly warmer than normal. And it was a great success, his return to 16-bit glory documented in the Book of Rush.

Taken from the Book of Rush, verses 20:0–5:

“ And when Blaze laid hands on Sonic, the blue one leapt back and exclaimed, ‘Ouch! Jesus Christ, I think you gave me third-degree burns there ... ”

In a sudden unexpected turn of events, the Lord decreed that Sonic must race for his pleasure against a green abomination whose voice was known to have all the properties of a belt sander: loud, rough enough to skin a cat in seconds and shouldn’t be left near children. And it was laughable, but had its charms, and was if negligible effect to his reputation, and the event was recorded in the Book of Riders. We will not quote the scripture here, as the coarseness of the green abomination’s voice was recorded to such detail that reading the scriptures of the Book of Riders will result in permanent brain, spleen and self-esteem damage.

The Apocalypse cometh

Our Blue Blur has gone through some hard times in recent years. Sad, really.

Through his years of mediocrity, Sonic had angered the Lord to the extent that he created a great curse upon Sonic, which is documented in full in the Book of Horrors. The Book of Horrors explains in full the sheer wrath the Lord can inflict upon Sonic and his disciples. No matter how Sonic protested, it was demanded that he be stricken down in the year of the number of the beast: 2006.

Taken from the Book of Horrors, verses 20:0–6:

“ The Lord spake unto Sonic, ‘You hath angered me. Thou must pay for thine virtual sins through poor gameplay, choppy graphics, and terrible voice-acting. And thou must forfeit to me a shrubbery.’
And Sonic protesteth, ‘A shrubbery? T’is unheard of!’ But the Lord was having none of it. ‘If thou doest not forfeit a shrubbery, thou must face alternative, mystery punishment.’
So Sonic took the mystery punishment, being horticulturally challenged. But this punishment served only to heighten the embarrassment, adding an awkward bestiality subplot to the equation.
And when Sonic was introduced to the beast, he leapt back, and screameth to the high heavens, ‘Why? Why? O why Lord? Why hast thou forsaken me?’
And the number of the beast was 2006, and the beast went by the name that causes the dogs to howl and the children to wail; the beast was of the name of Princess Elise.

And on marched the three hedgehogs of the apocalypse, each accompanied by their two amigos of doom, to battle against the villains so vile they had displaced the fat one, and made him appear as harmless as a kitten with cancer.
And when Sonic was struck down, the beast found no better thing to do that to embrace the corpse and proceed to defile it, and caused much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
And such was the nature of the beast, it continued to release further evils upon the world, and complicate the plot so far beyond reason that the curvature of the Earth was visible.

”

Upon realizing his error, the Lord grew merciful, and in his infinite wisdom [sic] he granted upon Sonic and the hedgehogs of the apocalypse and their respective amigos, a Deus Ex Machina: He smote the villains and struck down the beast in a bizarre twist of events which caused all the events of the Book of Horrors to never happen and the book itself to disappear from existence.

TIME PARADOX!

They're gonna do WHAT to my arms?!

Upon realizing his mistake, the Lord decided to redeem (or at least try to) his messenger on Earth by splitting into pieces and making him put it back together again. He was once again curst with an annoying sidekick for his previous indiscretions. And while the Lord meant well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and Sonic's daytime sojourns were smote by turning into Mr. Stretchy Werewolf at night and wandering through cities of clueless buffoons.

Taken from the Book of Unleashed, verse 20:08:

“ And Sonic spoke unto the citizens of Mykonos, ‘Doest any of thou no which way to the next side quest?
And they replied unto him, ‘I doth not know what you’re talking about. Your princess is in another castle. ”

After the restoration of the Earth, the Lord decreed to his disciple that he shall relive the days of his youth twice. However, this decree was flawed, and resulted in Sonic traversing through lands too resemblant of the lands of which he traveled before and easily completing his second adventure by using his best friend as a spinning wheel.

Taken from the Book of Episodes, verses 20:10–12:

“ And Sonic nay hesitated to once more run though the lands and foileth the schemes of the fat one.
However, the fat one decreed to Sonic that he shall vanquish him with machines from his past.
And the Lord sighed, realizing that he was too lazy to do Sonic good. ”

A New Hope

The Lord, tired of this worthless charade, was willing to give up. No matter how many times He had tried, the blue hedgehog simply wasn't the same as it once were. But then, a light shined unto the Lord: why not take what made Sonic so popular, copy it, and release it again as a new thing? And so, Sonic Generations was born. And it worked. The blue hedgehog once again received positive reviews. It was a miracle.

Such was the success that Sonic Generations was, that the Lord tried it a second time. And it worked again. This time, He didn't even hesitate to make the game on His own; instead hiring a bunch of nerd fanboys, which brought him Sonic Mania. And then the Lord did it a third time, creating Sonic Forces, which was a flop; but then they did it a fourth time, creating Sonic x Shadow Generations. And it is expected they'll make a fifth and a sixth time too.

Blessings and curses

Zoom in and out of this picture while listening to the Carmina Burana.

On the heels of his Generation adventures, Sonic was given the great blessing of a moviefilm. Unfortunately, this blessing turned into a curse, as upon the first collision with reality, the phailed spectacularly, and all involved deeply offended the Lord, who curst each and every one of them. Every one of them except Jim Carrey, cos that's just a bad idea.

James Marsden was curst by not dying painfully during the filming of the abomination, something which has haunted him to this day. Keanu Reeves was curst with the all acting skills of a 2x4 plank of wood, although this curse backfired when Reeves starred in John Wick 5 and never moved a face muscle for two hours. Tails was curst to be the first victim of the evil of fan-fictions, consigned to participate in acts unmentionable and have the eye-witness accounts posted across the internet for all eternity.

Sonic bore the worst fate of them all: he was curst with becoming an awful abomination for days to come. His horrendous. once-charmful face was carved into the stone of history, as he was now but a funny meme in the internets, as the youth calls them. He would not be viewed by his fans the same way anymore; instead, he would be feared as a horrible monster. For quite some time, it appeared Sonic hath reached the end of his rope.

The reality is that this franchise was never fated to cause good, as it had always been but the child of the resentment that the Lord bore for Mario. And such will be this its cursed fate, until the end of times.

See also

• Ecco the Dolphin
• Puyo Puyo
• Super Monkey ball
• Crazy Taxi
• Yakuza
• Michael Jackson
• Why?:Does Everyone Hate Sonic the Hedgehog?

External links

• A look inside the mind of the average Sonic fan