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The yakuza: badass, diaper-wearing dudes.

Yakuza (二成, 二形) are members of organized crime groups in Japan. As of the year 2000, the yakuza are the largest organized crime group in the world, making up almost 90% of Japan's population. Despite this, they mainly enjoy lurking in the shadows and are, in fact, expert lurkers. They can most frequently be seen lurking in unlit alleyways like a desperate Robert Downey Jr., with groups of as many as 300 yakuza standing shoulder to shoulder in the cramped back streets of Japan, like marshmallow peeps gently squished into a colorful cardboard box. This habit led to the Yakuza Jam of 1978, during which almost a thousand Japanese gangsters were removed from a remote Tokyo cul-de-sac with forceps.

In the Western press, yakuza are often called the "Japanese Mafia," due to the similarities their organization bears to Sicilian crime groups, which include eating a lot of pasta, and end there.

The term "yakuza" literally means "bad hand" in Japanese, a reference to the disproportionately large amount of time Japanese gangsters spend spreading their willies with cream cheese and manually pleasuring themselves. In order to access their genitals with ease, many yakuza wear only diapers. Some modern yakuza have abandoned criminal activity altogether in favor of lurking in bagel shop restrooms and wildly masturbating. Bagel shop owners hate the yakuza.

History of the Yakuza[edit]

The yakuza evolved from cream cheese raccoons during the Japanese food era (食物, fuudo). The process of their transformation remains mysterious and unclear, but probably involved either magic, Pokémon or the nefarious influence of Maozilla. During the food era, the newly evolved yakuza fought bitterly for territory, prostitutes, and cream cheese spreaders.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Yakuza.

In the 18th century, the yakuza began to organize until they were divided into two warring factions known as the Sailor Fukus and the Loose Socks. The latter could be identified by their baggy white stockings, while the former could be identified by their flaming homosexual behavior. In 1899, the Loose Socks claimed victory when the entirety of the Sailor Fuku faction spontaneously combusted in a flash of brilliant pink light.

Organization and Practices[edit]

Individual yakuza gangs are headed by old, saggy men in pinstripe suits who are selected as clan heads because of their wisdom and experience. Their underlings are usually mentally handicapped, given to bouts of drooling and grunting. There are no women in the yakuza, because everyone knows that women suck at shooting things and are best suited to making babies and soufflés, or whatever the hell it is that they spend all day in the kitchen cooking. Women caught trying to infiltrate the yakuza are put to work in massage parlors, where they perform no massages whatsoever.

The yakuza has a strict no-foreign-members policy, excluding the Australians. The entire country of Australia was made an honorary member of the yakuza in 1980. Yakuza in Japan have since started importing kangaroos, cutting off their tails, and marketing them to Japanese children as overgrown pet rabbits on steroids. Boxing gloves are not included.

Rituals and Appearance[edit]

Typical yakuza. Note tattoos, diaper, lack of fingers, and overwhelming cuteness.

Yakuza are well known for enjoying masochism and self-mutilation. In fights with rival gang members, a common yakuza tactic is to gouge out one's eyes, run up to the enemy blindly, and bleed on them. Yakuza are also infamous for their practice of cutting off their fingers in order to better resemble their favorite Hello Kitty characters.

Yakuza also have an initiation ceremony known as the Bubu ritual, in which large amounts of sake are imbibed. The reason for this has long been forgotten, and the Bubu is really just an excuse for them to get ridiculously drunk. While intoxicated, yakuza members partake in the culturally significant act of taking various embarrassing tattoos, ranging everywhere from random Japanese swear words to full body tattoos of My Little Pony characters. This is also the primary reason for the huge amount of alcoholics among the yakuza, as the members try to deal with the shame their impulsively taken tattoos cause them.

Notable Yakuza[edit]