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A rare three-wheeled dolphin.
Binomial name
Dolphinus smarteae
Primary armamentSonar blaster
Power supplySonar hypnosis
Strength2000 kilowatts
IntelligenceMI6, Einstein
Weight110 Lb.
Length2.8 meters (9 feet)
Special attackSqueak-Squeak-Chittery-Squeak
Conservation status

You've heard the expression "chicken of the sea"? Well, dolphins are the club steak of the sea.

Next time you vacation to the east coast...Savannah, in particular, look through your binoculars around 1:30 am and you'll see ghostly dolphin boats cruising through the tides with eerie glowing lights surrounding the boat's hull.

Oh sure, they call themselves "shrimpboats" but everyone around these here parts knows that they're really casting for dolphins. Why else would there be hundreds of dolphins jumping through the air in their wake? They're jumping for joy at the sight of nets full of shrimp (aka "dolphin bait"). And all those seafood "soups of the day" on Bay Street? Dolphin a la king!

Dolphins have long been known by the intergalactic federation of Vogons to be the second smartest creatures to inhabit earth, after mice. Humans fall in third place, much to our dislike. It is this reason that we were not able to know of the impending doom of the earth, and had to wait until some Arthur Dent guy made the Magratheans create Earth II.

The dolphin's favorite sport is swimming with humans. The winner is rewarded by being smothered with mayonnaise and eaten on sandwiches, despite what many environmentalists believe.

Swimming with dolphins[edit | edit source]

Axl Rose demonstrates how to drown with dolphins

Quite probably the most under estimated experience anyone can endure. This ruined my holiday to the Bahamas (which was quite impressive as this place is tedium personified in land mass form). This was actually chosen as the number one thing to do before you die by the BBC. Shooting up Heroin probably beats this. Taking my cat-ferret-dog for a walk on Mt. Everest in a snowstorm barefoot was more spiritual than this experience. Seriously, imagine a large fish. Add some jumping and that's your lot (NOT REALLY). I just can't begin to fully describe how mind-numbingly dull swimming with dolphins is. It is very nearly as dull as Carlisle, or even Dent.

A dolphin's favorite sport is not, as previously thought, swimming with humans -- it is instead swimming close enough to humans to steal their jewelry and sell it on SEABay. In 2010 Flipper "The Ripper" Manson, resident of a South Florida dolphinarium was found guilty of disembowelling four tourists and castrating two others with his unusually long corkscrew-shaped tongue. Sentenced to death in the electric chair, Flipper pled justifiable homicide in the face of extreme provocation and remains on Death Row awaiting the results of his appeal.

Cold Blooded Sexual Predator of the Seas[edit | edit source]

Wanna suck my face, Flipper? Hey! Reggo gny kongue! Reggo!

“Dolphins are great lovers. Just ask my mom, sister, brother, and everyone in my family, including me.”

~ Troy McClure on Dolphins

Dolphins are manically hypersexual and will rape male divers if excited, a fact intimately known by modern dolphin trainers.

Dolphins, like hippies, have sex for pleasure. They have marathons. In fact they are the only other animals that have sex for pleasure except humans, dogs, cats, horses, monkeys, gophers, armadillos, whales, jellyfish, worms, tree frogs, marmoset, seals, mice, deer, hyena, antelope, digimon, leopards, fish, sea anemone, crocodile, naked mole rats, parrots, albatross, flamingo, hawks, wolves, butterfly, mosquitoes, zebra, sloths, turtles, bees, ants, lizards, snakes, werewolves, vampires, mummies, gnomes, and platypus. Good luck explaining when the life-guard finds all of you naked in a tide pool.

The force of a male dolphin's ejaculation is equal to that of the Saturn V rocket.

Origin of dolphins and the Great Civil War[edit | edit source]

Dolphins were originally invented in the early 1800s by European settlers. They would use them to protect their ships from pirates. But one day, they rose against their masters and destroyed the entire city of Memphis, leaving tens of thousands without homes; this event is known as the Boston Tea Party. Years later, the dolphin king, Keemba, declared war on humans, though he decieved. His second in command, Bulgeenga, betrayed Keemba by firing a harpoon into his dolphin flipper before he could equip his mechanical suit. Without an heir to the throne, the League of Dolphins was disbanded and Bulgeenga returned to his home planet of Zeegore to pursue a career in accounting. Eons later, a man named Christopher Columbus discovered the long lost city of Atlantis when he was scuba diving under a tuna fish. It was there where he found two million dolphins trapped under a large blanket. As a philosopher, Columbus knew what he had to do. He set the dolphins free, thus ending the eternal conflict. Today's dolphins bear almost no resemblance to their Jurassic ancestors. They now use sonar to communicate with each other, and can consume up to three hundred pounds of food in a single meal. And did you know that dolphins are herbivores? They have a large pointed fin, which is most commonly used to pop open bags of Doritos that float along the surface of the ocean. If no Doritos can be found, dolphins will often resort to eating sand, which has a nearly identical taste and nutritional value. Because dolphins are blind, they use their incredibly acute sense of smell to understand their surroundings. It is also said that: "If you clap underwater, a dolphin can hear the sound from up to three hundred miles away, because they can smell claps.' While they are generally to be considered gentle creatures, dolphins have been known to shoot torpedoes out their mouths when they feel threatened. Although sadly, they are now extinct. Dolphins leave behind them, an untouchable legacy.

Intelligence etc[edit | edit source]

"Because as we both know, Mr. Anderson, without porpoise, we cannot exist.

Dolphin intelligence has been massively underestimated by scientists. They Are Actually the world's second smartest beings, the first of course being mice.

Dolphins are famous for their victorious resistance of the complicating powers of Law, just like rich people. Additionally, they are the only animal capable of ascension into Heaven when they die; they just choose not to.

They're always so happy to learn stuff like jumping through flaming hoops backwards. It's because they teleport out of their pens at night and launch plasma-based airstrikes against secret military bases. Remember Hurricane Katrina? They used their reality bending mind-powers to call upon that fat guy who flies around on a cloud and controls the weather. They have powers like that because they are control freaks.|Crazy Old Man|Dolphins}}

They were also the only ones who knew of the end of the world, saying "So long, and thanks for all the fish.

The Great Uprising '97[edit | edit source]

How not to swim with dolphins

A dolphin uprising occurred in 1997, after hundreds of dolphins developed powerful psychic abilities, through a pact with Oscar Wilde, including the ability to shoot "lasers" from their eyes. The dolphins attacked settlements on the Pacific islands including Fiji and New Zealand, although this was not heard of by many because, let's face it, nobody gives a shit about New Zealand, and Rugby players would blow up because of the happiness, so the government hides the information. The dolphin army began growing in number, threatening larger, more important places until Robochrist, the second reincarnation of Jesus as a cyborg, stepped in and silenced them with his Blessed Smite Cannon.

Because of this uprising, John West changed their practices and began tinning tuna with dolphin meat so that now the dolphin population is controlled so uprisings can never happen again.

Many TV programs show animals, such as dolphins, being tagged. This is not so they can count them, it's actually a method of killing the dolphins, which biologists seemingly hate. As soon as the dolphin is released back into the water, the tag short circuits electrocuting and killing the dolphin.

The disappearance of dolphins[edit | edit source]

Dolphins disappeared from the earth after humans accidentally misinterpreted their last warning of the impending destruction of earth as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backward somersault through a hoop while whistling the star-spangled banner. The message was of course 'So long, and thanks for all the fish' (cue music).

General Opinion[edit | edit source]

The Malaysian Tiger Dolphin is the most feared Dolphin. Discovered in 1985 by marine biologist Carl Sagan, the "Terror Dolphin", as it is commonly known, usually travels in packs of 40 or more.

“Dolphins are wondrous creatures. A special bond exists between humans and dolphins, a unique relationship that extends beyond conventional methods of communication and transcends human tendencies to seek out members of the same species.”

~ America on Dolphins

And in Conclusion[edit | edit source]

Dolphin Jumping.jpg