The Punisher was originally a mythical and highly feared comic book character. However, when The Punisher was captured around half a century ago, it was found that The Punisher had mutated into the three-dimensional world of computer graphics. The only reason that The Punisher was able to be captured was because computers were so slow back then. They were so slow in fact, that wheelchair-bound octogenarians used to race electrons in the 100m and 200m events at the summer Olympic games (Those damn superconductors were always too fast at the winter Olympic games).
In the 18th century, before the laws of quantum mechanics were passed by governments, The Punisher began life as a two-dimensional comic book character over at Marvel Comics. The Punisher used to infect the printing machines that printed the comics, and as a result, many two-dimensional, (and in the case of Japan, semi-clothed) comic book characters died horrific deaths. For many years the ink ran thick and the shredded paper was splattered across penciled pavement after penciled pavement. However, these times were tough for The Punisher, as the two-dimensional world was extremely restricting, even more so than a slimline Playstation 2. Humans would sometimes wipe their ass with the very paper that The Punisher was printed on, and The Punisher could do nothing about it. Luckily, some naive aliens were struck down by lightning near Roswell, allowing their technology to slip into the hands of humans, who were then able to create computers, providing the perfect chance for The Punisher to slip out of the comic book's standard USB port and into something more comfortable.
Who is The Punisher?
As computers were improving, The Punisher eventually escaped from the high security laboratory full of nerds in January 2005. The Punisher is a virus-like creature who invades your PC, Xbox, or Playstation 2, depending on which version you order. The Punisher sucks people from nearby sofas, streets, and houses into the CD-ROM drive, whereupon these people are trapped inside your monitor or television. The Punisher then proceeds to brutally kill them with his vast array of exciting substances, appliances, and machinery.
He or she who purchases The Punisher is reasonably safe from death, as long as an abundant supply of victims is maintained. Veterinarians recommend purchasing a laptop or portable TV for taking The Punisher to crowded holiday spots; a great chance to stock up victims for the winter months. The Punisher's escapades are best enjoyed with a large home theater, a big bucket of popcorn, and an expensive leather sofa filled with fresh meat.
It is a common misconception that The Punisher has no superpowers. So common, in fact, that even The Punisher himself believes that. It is, however, obvious even to the most casual observer that The Punisher is no mere mortal. His first superpower is a reality distorting field that makes all bullets fired at him either miss him completely, or at the very least miss all his vital organs. His other superpower is a Healing Factor that's on par with that of Wolverine. No matter how badly you beat or shoot up The Punisher, he will walk it off in a matter of hours.
Superhero or Supervillain?
A question which has been contemplated for centuries asks: is The Punisher a hero or a villain? From the point of view of The Punisher's many victims, who have been tortured slowly to death with all manner of exciting instruments, The Punisher is the most horrible villain they have ever encountered. In their eyes (or just eye if one of them has already been sporked out), The Punisher can only be considered the personification of something worse than true evil, something so indescribably terrifying that there are no words to even pray for it to go away. However, to the Average Joe who is walking down the street, The Punisher is merely keeping the Earth's surface clean of hardened criminals (splattered body parts aside). The Punisher is a sort of Robin Hood of the concrete jungle, massacring the evil to help the good. The Punisher's victims are the sort of people who would otherwise be stealing your kidneys, raping your children, skinning you and your pets alive, and so on. Hence we must conclude that The Punisher is a hero, albeit one who satisfies our torture-related voyeuristic fantasies.
The Punisher's fact sheet
This is an official fact sheet obtained from the Australian Office of Film and Literature Classification.
- The Punisher is able to literally use guns to blast off victims' limbs. Blood, bone & skin fragments are shown.
- The Punisher can knife people in the face. Some blood is shown.
- The Punisher holds a man's face on a grinding wheel in a repair shop. Despite the fact that the camera zooms out while the climax of the scene takes place, it is still of high impact.
- The Punisher dunks a man's head in a bath of acid.
- The Punisher lowers a drill into a man's eyeball; blood is evident.
- The Punisher kicks a man's head a dozen times on a curb until his head explodes.
- A blow torch is applied to a man's face several times. The victim says "fuck off & die asshole" before he dies.
- A man is thrown into a tree mulcher screaming & blood spray is evident.
- A man is placed inside a coffin incinerator which has glass walls. The player watches the victim burn to death. The victim is on fire & is screaming, trying to escape.
- A man's head is stomped on 16 times by The Punisher, before a metal crate falls & crushes the victim, creating blood spray.
- A man is pushed into a ceiling fan, the man resists but then loses his grip. His limbs & head are cut off in a shower of blood when he is pushed into the fan.
Tools of The Punisher
Think of any everyday household or workplace object and there is a high chance that you can also think of a way to torture somebody with it. There is also a high chance that The Punisher has already tortured somebody in that way. Here is just a selection of the conventional and the unconventional weapons which The Punisher has used:
Mainly used for breaking bones, knocking teeth out, and compacting the skull.
This item may appear simple at first, but you can get really creative with it.
This weapon gets its name from the way it vaporizes victims into miniature pieces when applied at close range.
The Spork (before).
Used for scooping the victim's eyes out, causing blindness.
The Spork (after).
There, earned yourself a nice eyeball.
Illegal performance enhancing downloads are available for The Punisher. Use at your own risk. If you happen to obliterate every living creature in a 50 mile radius, don't come complaining to us about the shortage of bus and taxi drivers in your town. Actually, the use of these performance enhancing downloads in contained environments (such as parliament buildings) is highly recommended.
- The Punisher's favorite food is Pain.
- The Punisher is the REAL Surgeon General.
- Chuck Norris has been Punished multiple times. He seems to enjoy it.
- The Punisher is the leading holder of Guinness World Records in the category of Torture.
- Really just wants to dance.
- The Punisher's favorite song is the Growing Pains theme.
- The Punisher does not want to be called a fairy. Call him that & you will be eating your junk when it's force fed to you.
- Cheesecake of Doom
- Homicidal screaming carrots
- Hurling bricks at other people's windows
- List of weapons that don't exist, but should
- Weapons of Mass Destruction
|The heroes, villains, and other people of Marvel Comics, from the creators of Stan Lee's Stripperella, and other Marvel classics as compiled by Uncyclopedia!|
|Superheroes and heroines||Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - The Scarlet Spider - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - The Punisher - Ghost Rider - Iron Man - Deadpool - Igloo - The other Captain Marvel - Stan Lee|
|Supervillains||Blackheart - Dr. Doom - Electro - Galactus - Green Goblin - Juggernaut - Mecha-Dracula - Rob Liefeld - Batroc - Kool-Aid Man - Loki - The Hobgoblin - Fred Phelps - Blackout the Vampire - Venom - Dr. Octopus - Spider-Man's Rogue's Gallery - The Creature|
|X-Men||Professor X - Apocyclopse - Gene Grey - Beast - Wolverine - Bishop - Cable the Larry Guy - Northstar|
|Salacious Six||Sr. Tentacles - Sabertooth|
|Other teams||The Inhumans - The Revengers - The Fantastic Four|