Mary Jane Watson
|Mary Jane Watson|
“Mary Jane has been hit so many times, that she now goes by the name of Jackpot as a super hero in the Spider-Man comic book after Brand New Day rebooted the series and Peter Parker never married Mary Jane.”
“Her other nickname is 'Modesty'...”
“My virginal juices are tingling!”
Mary Jane Watson was bitten by a radioactive supermodel/actress, it turned her into a supermodel/actress super heroine. It also turned her into a human target by supervillians of Spider-Man her boyfriend/husband/friend depending on what mood she is in. When she is married to Peter Parker, she is Mary Jane Watson-Parker. But they break up a lot, she sees other men, it makes Peter jealous and then he tries to get back with her. On a side note, it is believed that she had her last dance with Tom Petty, as it was one more time for him to kill the pain. Please be advised that reading this page will cause a boner, so you may want a lawyer before you proceed.
In Amazing Fantasy #25 the Avengers had hosted a science fair funded by Tony Stark aka Iron Man. It featured an exhibit of radioactivity display, but had bribed the EPA and safety inspectors to ignore that the device was faulty. As a result it zapped an ordinary spider and an extraordinary supermodel/actress. The spider bit Peter Parker and then it died, but it gave Peter Parker the powers of a spider. The supermodel/actress bit Mary Jane and it gave her the powers of a supermodel/actress and then it died.
Mary Jane's superpowers
Mary Jane has the ordinary strength of a supermodel/actress of her age that exercises not so regularly. She has super charisma, and can blind people with her whiter than white smile. She has monstrous acting skills and can even make wearing a potato sack look good as a supermodel. She has considerable skill in playing the role of the damsel in distress, in movies as well as in real life. When in danger she can scream really loud so that Spider-man can hear her and come in to rescue her. She has super sewing skills and can make super hero costumes. She is also an expert in first aid, having patched up Spider-Man millions of times. She was trained in martial arts by Captain America and carries modified web shooters as bracelets, and a spider-tracer in case Spider-Man cannot hear her scream. She also has lunch making superpowers. Mary Jane was also given a power, that wasn't seen in the first few days of being bitten by the radioactive supermodel/actress. Mary Jane is also a master of Fellatio and other such sexual deviant behavior. A recently discovered power of Mary Jane is the ability to save old ladies lives in return for selling her own soul to Satan. Since then she goes around giving her hole to any hollywood dude.
Mary Jane likes dorky science nerds, superheroes who can kiss upside down in the rain, spiders, and men who know that with great power comes greater responsibility. She likes her men to be emo, total losers who dropped out of college and get all emotional and depressed and have the worst luck. Usually the type of guy that didn't stop a robber, who turned out to be the murder of his uncle later, who wouldn't have killed his uncle had he stopped the robber in the first place, and never got over it. The type of man who has problems with his masculinity and has to hide behind a gayish costume and crack jokes at super villains, and while he acts like a homosexual, actually isn't a homosexual, or so she thinks.
Mary Jane does not like lizards, rhinos, vultures, Spider-Man clones, that black suit Spider-Man wore, bad fashion, and especially not goblins. She does not like bullies either, but did date Flash Thompson to make Peter Parker jealous, because she is a bit of a tease. She also does not like Peter's old girlfriends like The Black Cat, Betty Brant, Silver Sable, and Rosie O'Donnell because Peter turned Rosie into lesbianism and obesity with his constant whining, but Mary Jane still does not trust her. She also feels that contraception totally kills the mood.
Despite going by her real name, sometimes Mary Jane substituted for other red-headed super heroines like when she was possessed by the spirit of Red Sonja, or when she temporarily got the powers of Spider-Woman due to a radioactive blood transfusion with Spider-Man. One time she was Captain Universe even. One time she armor-jacked Iron Man's old armor and called herself Iron Maiden, until a band of the same name sued her and she had to quit and recycled the armor for scrap metal. She is also a prostitute
Mary Jane can get lonely when she is sitting in her apartment waiting for Spider-Man to come back, so sometimes she calls upon somebody to keep her company, such as Doctor Ocotpus or Flash Thomson. She has called upon Harry Osborn many times. She also is not a totally exclusive bitch and enjoys tribbing it up with other hot skanks. Even Forbrush Man and Mole Man got a piece of the action.
The other super heroes make fun of this fact with a drinking song/game they play:
"I can see Spider-Man. His problems are very plain. I can name nine men that slept with Mary Jane!"
Then they have to name off nine men that slept with Mary Jane or else they have to take a drink of beer. With every turn they go up a number or two. So far, Captain Obvious is the all time champion in this game.
Mary Jane in Alternate Timelines
While traveling through different timelines, you may find one or more of the following versions of Mary Jane.
- Teenage Mary Jane
- Teenage Mutant Mary Jane
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Mary Jane
- Robot Mary Jane
- Evil Cyborg Mary Jane
- Old Mary Jane
- Emo Mary Jane
- Medeval Mary Jane
- Fat Mary Jane
- Zombie Mary Jane
Some claim that "Mary Jane" is slang for Marijuana in New York City. That Peter Parker was smoking some Marijuana and had hallucinations of becoming Spider-Man and having a hot girlfriend like Mary Jane. That it all is some trippy dream. One problem with that theory is that Marijuana does not cause hallucinations, but LSD does, and people tend to confuse the two. While Marijuana can cause schizophrenia in which the sufferer sees hallucinations, and that could be a possibility, Peter Parker is a nerd and loser who would try Marijuana and not inhale like Bill Clinton did and not get the full effect. Rather Peter Parker is a science nerd and his drug is science, so we can throw that whole drug use theory out the window. The real reason why Mary Jane is attracted to Peter Parker is that her father was abusive and violent towards her, and as Spider-Man Peter Parker is abusive and violent towards criminals, so Mary Jane sees a little bit of her father in Spider-Man. Besides, women dig that suit, and shooting webs is symbolic of an orgasm, so naturally women are attracted to Spider-Man.
Brand New Day
After Peter Parker makes a deal with a Devil named Mephisto to save his 198 year old Aunt May and return her to full health, Mephisto changes reality so that Aunt May does not die and Peter Parker never married Mary Jane Watson as the price for saving Aunt May. Mary Jane makes her own request to Mephisto, but whispers it and we never figure out what part of the deal she got. Rumor has it she became the super hero Jackpot in the new Spider-Man book, the other rumor is that she brought Harry Osborne back to life. But Captain Obvious goes with the Mary Jane is Jackpot theory, and Harry Osborne is really Mephisto playing a trick on Peter Parker, because when someone makes a deal with the Devil, that is what obviously happens.
Following Mephisto's altercations to reality and marriage to MJ, Mephisto was browsing through alternate time-lines and found the one belonging to that of the fat Mary Jane Watson (called Mary Jane Fatson in this reality). It turns out that unlike in Universe 616, this Mary Jane was bitten by a radioactive Monster Mac during a lunch break instead of by a supermodel. As he studied her and her time-line filled with fat versions of the females from the regular Earth-616 time-line, he realised he preferred the fat MJ's body to the thin one he married; he had developed a fat fetish! But to bring the fat MJ to his reality would cause a radical imbalanced paradox to reality as he knew it, which would inevitably lead to the destruction of the multiverse. So, he simply used his powers to fatten up Mary Jane to his liking. He then made her mind driven to overeating in order to insure she stayed overweight and to make her continually grow even fatter than he had originally made her. At first apprehensive to becoming overweight, MJ soon opened up to the idea and "Grew" to love her new, jiggly fat; never had she felt such freedom before, which is why she had finally decided to give in and let herself go. She continued to gain weight willingly, even without the mental mind set placed in her by her demonic new husband. The story is ongoing.
(wow, somebody here has a fetish...)
|The heroes, villains, and other people of Marvel Comics, from the creators of Stan Lee's Stripperella, and other Marvel classics as compiled by Uncyclopedia!|
|Superheroes and heroines||Captain Planet - The Amazing Fiber-Man - Apathy Man - Spider-Woman - Mary Jane - The Incredible Hunk - The Scarlet Spider - Daredevil - Dr. Strange - The Punisher - Ghost Rider - Iron Man - Graphite Man - Deadpool - Igloo - Pithy Saying Man - Irony Man - The other Captain Marvel - Stan Lee - Too Much Information Man|
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