Carol Danvers
“Can I copy your homework ?”
“Yeah, just change it a bit so it won't look the same”
Carol Susan Jane Danvers, better known as Captain Marvel, is one of the more infamous Avengers. No wonder; she's the exact definition of a Systemic anomaly[1]. Her superpowers include: Light control, laser eyes, glowing, shooting fire, Super Sayian mode, summoning a white spaceship named The Flerken, creating food out of nowhere, raising the dead (though as zombies), and being awesome.
Without a doubt, Carol Danvers is the second most divisive bluish-blooded female alien in a super-complex super-gay multiversal comic-based media[2].
Biography[edit | edit source]
Natality[edit | edit source]
Carol "Mary" Susan Jane "Calamity" Danvers was born on 25th December 0000 to Joseph and Mari-Ell. Mari-Ell was infertile due to virginity, but this was cured when her cousin Gabri-Ell, of the cult of Yog-Sothoth, told her of a Yog-Sothoth ex machina where Umr-a-Tawil the Spirit, avatar of YS, will overshadow her and cure her virginity. However, Joseph and Mari-Ell couldn't get to the hospital since there was a population count, forcing them to deliver in the house of the Rambeaus, a farmer family. Carol's birth led Yog-Sothoth to brighten a star to lure in people from the East to worship the systemic anomaly who WILL deliver them from aliens. And it did, though only three people came: Casper, Melkor the devil of Middle Earth and Genghis Khan. They brought candles, stones and black clothing.
Growing up[edit | edit source]
 | This page was originally sporked from Jesus#Work |
Like most destructive radical feminists, Carol decided to disobey the Man and broke every societal standard of her time period. She aligned herself with twelve gangsters and lowlifes, curiously named "The Apostles". Members of this group included a conniving tax collector, some lazy fishers, and a man who He knew would ultimately betray Him to His death (not because of any precognitive thing, mind you – the guy actually said He would openly, on many occasions). Carol also got into baseball,[3] blasphemously got up after falling, trashed markets with an improvised whip, talked about space, and talked to women, chief of which was a negress, daughter of the house where Danvers was born. They got into aeronautics and got into the cuntpit, where someone asked her not to spork anymore from the Wisest Human, and the authors of this article agreed not to do any more blasphemy after that point
Project #JointDarkEnergyMission[edit | edit source]
One day Carol was monitored by the Feminaza scientist Wendy Lawson for the #JointDarkEnergyMission Project, a project in with the US Air Force, SHIELD, Nasa, and Coast Guard join forces to harvest power from a blue space cube who's an infinity stone or something. Until a Skrull-hating Kree agent named Yon-Rogg assaulted their ship in a test, and Lawson was revealed to be the Kree Mar-Vell, an agent of a race of noble warrior heroes or at least that's what the propaganda says.
Personality[edit | edit source]
Even the most fervent and most iron-clad follower of Carol Danvers can't give an accurate description of Carol Danvers' personality, mostly because she has none. She is often portrayed as reckless, and yet cool because of this. And yet, in the movie, she only exists to show how awesome of a Mary Sue she is. She was somehow born with unlimited power because of being a systemic anomaly. She's often portrayed as an obnoxious, abraisive, rude, insufferable, and somewhat annoying woman who kills all men who gets in her way to McDonalds, a bit like her actress Brie Larson. Really, her only changing trait is her belief that Skrulls are evil, which they really are[4]. She often declares 2 seconds-long wars on random countries just because there are free men[5] there, and she can't stand free men roaming around oppressing and raping people with their dick. She seems to believe that the Catholic Church is evil, exploitative and pedophile ridden just because there are men in the clergy[6]. Her misandry seems to be mostly due to oppression by a man named: "The Man", who's apparently male. She's also implied by her red clothing and Feminazi beliefs to be some sort of neo-Nazi.
Carol has been shown to care about others, such as Nicholas Joseph Fury and Maria Rambeau, but it's because they are from minorities and have the name of her parents instead of pure altruism.
At the end of Avengers Endgame, at Tony Stark's funeral, Carol shows a more perverted side to her personality where she steals Tony Stark's spit to create a clone of him and rape the clone from the moment he's born. She therefore uses her UNLIMITED POWER to disintegrate the clone.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ A.K.A. A cheap knockoff of Neo made so that the author could take out their frustration on not having a cheap knockoff of Jesus Christ before their death.
- ↑ The most divisive one if the reader has had the blessing of never having heard of Vriska Serket.
- ↑ Not softball, you sexist, misogynist dummy pig, goshh.
- ↑ Or so kree propaganda would have you believe...
- ↑ Ironically, Carol comes froom the proto-German for "free man".
- ↑ And they are, but Catohlic women also use to be evil, exploitative and sometimes even pedophiliac, so it's proven it has nothing to do with gender.
