Indulgence

If you haven't enough coin, there are always "other ways" for good Catholic girls to do penance.

In Catholic theology, induglence refers to any number of gift packages or goody bags that can be purchased by the laiety in exchange for a sin refund. Since the Second Vatican Council of 1963, they have been pulled from the official Vatican City catalogue, Your Donation Is Your Salvation!, and can no longer be purchased through their website, although bootleg copies can still be found on eBay.

History

As early as 150 A.D., Grand Pope Tarkin suggested that a more efficient system be introduced in order to curb increasing wait times at confessional booths, a problem that was become more and more acute especially in large cities like London. Faced with the prospect of losing converts to Hinduism over inefficient systems, Grand Pope Tarkin unveiled a corporate plan known as the Penance Buyback Scheme, in which the term "indulgence" was first used:

"The solution of the problem of lengthy confessional lines lies not with the quality of the service provided - our good priests of the land cannot reduce the lengths of their confessional service any more without dramatically decreasing the quality of the forgiveness given. Based on analyses performed for the fiscal years (FYs) of 146, 147, 148, and 149, 89.2% of people partaking in the sacrament of reconciliation remarked that the service ranged from 'adequate' to 'excellent', which is a laudable effort on the part of our personnel.

"Nonetheless, waiting times for a confession heard have increased markedly - in 146, the average waiting time was 12 minutes, while in 149, the average waiting time spiked to 50 minutes, representing an increase of more than 400%!

"Given such a reality, it is my proposition that the lengths of confessions heard not be reduced, but instead, that alternative suggestions be offered. I propose what I will henceforth term as a Penance Buyback Scheme (PBS), in which clients may purchase what I have come to term as "indulgences" in order to cleanse the state of their souls."

Grand Pope Tarkin, "A Detailed Analysis of Services Provided By Confessional Ministers and a Solution in the Form of a Penance Buyback Scheme", June 151

The scheme was approved by the Vatican City Board of Trustees in 153. The sale of indulgences was met with a mixed response from theologians. Some like Jesuit priest Lundius Superbus, gave the scheme high praise:

"Grand Pope Tarkin could have not made a better move. The process of forgiveness has finally become more streamlined, more efficient. Now if you'll excuse me, I have five bucks left over that I can use to try and 'cover up' an 'incident' that happened on Friday night..."

Others, like Bishop Fulton Sheen, regarded the move with largely negative views:

"This idea is shit."

How It Works

The actual process of forgiveness as proffered by the purchasing of indulgences is unknown, although Vatican officials routinely claimed that it "really, really works". Buyers often feel a sense of relief after purchasing particularly large indulgences, accompanied by the urge to suddenly help old ladies across the street.

A purchasing scheme was released by the Vatican in 1509 regarding the appropriate indulgence to be bought depending on the nature of sin in need of forgiveness:

• Smacking your little sister - $1.60 penitential lollipop
• Kicking the dog - $1.75 penitential doggy treat
• Using vulgar language - $3.40 penitential bar of soap
• Using your roommate's DVD player without asking permission - $15.00 Pirate Nun instructional video
• Watching pornography - $18.40 penitential industrial-strength magnet
• Masturbating to thoughts of your best friend's girlfriend - $21.99 penitential ball-peen hammer
• Listening to Simple Plan - $156.80 penitential power drill
• Arson - $2,499.99 penitential fire extinguisher
• Murder - $350,000 penitential property rights (to be surrendered to the Catholic Church)
• Posting on Uncyclopedia - $600,000 penitential memory remover (plus confiscation of any relics to Sophia or Oscar Wilde)
• Genocide - $50 million penitential investment in Roman Catholic stock
• Leaving the toilet seat down - $780 million penitential pair of shoes
• Pedophilia - priesthood and removal to another parish

Indulgences No More

In 1963, the Second Vatican Council voted in favour of removing indulgences entirely from the Vatican City catalogue. The liberal media frequently states that this was due to external pressure from Protestant churches. In reality, however, the system of indulgences was simply becoming to complicated to maintain, with logistics costs alone costing the Vatican several billion dollars a year. All predictors indicated that the Penance Buyback Scheme was due to suffer massive losses within fifty years, especially with the introduction of drive-thru confessionals and online reconciliation portals launched under papal initiatives some years earlier. Thus, the decision was made to trim the fat before the fat choked up the theoretical arteries of the Catholic Church, so to speak.