|This article is insane. The article submitter may need psychotherapy, and as such, this article should be taken as gospel. You can help Uncyclopedia by restraining the article in a rubber room.|
Priests (also known as priestesses when in a state of gender confusion)(or a dictator with out a country just a large crowd) are persons ordained by the Pope, the highest authority under the almighty omnipotent god creatively named God, but he likes being called Chuck Norris. Priests are also Ordained in many Anglican (a cheap knock off of the Catholic Church) churches. For a good example of an Anglican Church, search for "Episcopal Church". In the Anglican Church it was not by a Pope that Priests are ordained in, but by the ArchBishop of Canterbury, a Pope like figure who was given power by King Henry VIII of England because the Catholic Church was pissing him off. All priests are members of the militant religious organisation Iscariot, also referred to as the Holy Orgy of Eternal Ximelolagnia.
Origins of the Priesthood
Priests have been around since the very first day those fucking niggers called humans, in their infinite wisdom, decided that in order to justify their existence it was necessary to empower balding old men with penchants for pre-pubescent boys (a common fetish of priests) with the ability to dictate the demands of Chuck Norris. By this logic which for some reason permeated every human society it eventuated that all religions developed the office of priest in one way or another.
Although priests had to do more than lay people, the role of the priest was relatively simple, carry around an infinite amount of sanctified weapons and berserkedly purge or slay (because purging and slaying are "good" whilst killing, murdering and massacring are "bad") all supporters of other religions even though they are all pretty much the same on an ethical level. They are also highly skilled in the ability of face-melting. Don't ask them about the Fear Nerf, though.
In 1666 God sent his angel Sepiroth down to earth to deliver news to the Pope that it was no longer acceptable for other religions or denominations to have priests. The Pope launched a landmark copyright case (later labelled Heavensgate in fitting with adding -gate to the end of important trials) arguing that the Catholic Church had exclusive rights to refer to ordained men as priests and that all current priests, irrespective of religious denomination were in fact property of His Holiness the Pope. Since all lawyers are in fact verbose golems created by the Vatican to control the world's legal proceddings the Pope won the case and, from that year onwards all priests have belonged exclusively to the Catholic Church.
The Ancient Art of Purging
Purging is the primary function of priests and can be described as "nice killing". Purging, it must be stressed, is a good thing in absolutely any circumstances imaginable. It is for this reason that murder is a crime whereas purging is not. Without purging the world would be a far more miserable place than it is today. Indeed, continuous purging has been proven to reduce the risk of gay rights, of peace, of gender equality, of racial equality, of environmental conservation and of social equality. Purging is performed using baptised knives and involves copious amounts of hacking, slashing and thrusting (both of the blade and of the priest's pelvis to young boys). Indeed the less discretion used in purging the more good is done for the world. The Pope himself firmly endorses the Link sword spin maneuvre as an effective means of ensuring that the purge's benefits are maximised. It is also customary for the priest to arrogantly laugh in a British or German accent and to then proclaim how his satanic foe shall burn painfully in Hell for all eternity. Hitler, himself a devoted Christian, is often cited as a master of this act of purging and George W. Bush has, through the War on Terror, aspired to reach the same greatness as the great Fuhrer. Genocide is second only to omnicide as the greatest means of purging.
Issuing of Sacraments
In addition to purging the undead and all non-Catholics, priests also fulfill the vital role of issuing the
Seven Eight Sacraments. These include:
- Communion/Eucharist - The consumption of flesh and the drinking of blood. Early critics once argued that this was hypocritical considering the Vatican's strong opposition towards vampires, cannibals and the demonic. These critics were consequently eaten.
- Confession - Intended as a means of catching the most stupid sinners by having them give themselves up. This sacrament involves people who disobey God confessing to the priest that they have erred. They are subsequently purged following the admission of the sin. Hence, explaining the need for confessions to be kept private. Redemption for this sin usually includes performing oral sex on the priest by the sinner, followed by a further three Hail Marys for failing to swallow the seeds of your sins.
- Baptism - There are two forms of Baptism; adult and child. A child's Baptism involves an infant being splashed with a special liquid which seeps into the brain cavity causing lifelong devotion and servility to the priests. Adult Baptism involves drowning the Baptismal candidate for not being Catholic in the first place.
- Confirmation - The sacrament by which the priest raises the rank of new recruits from Baptised to Confirmed. The Confirmed are given License to Purge upon receiving the honours of Confirmation.
- Marriage - The ultimate punishment a priest is able to deliver. Writings of its horrors will cause my hands to drop off.
- Anointing of the Sick - Since all diseases are caused by Satan, this involves a whole lot of purging and gallons of blood in order to anoint the world by removing the Satanically affected.
- Ordination - The sacrament by which a person is ordained a priest and therefore obtains all of the uber powers inseparable from that office.
- Buggery - The Prima Face act which all would-be priests need to perform, on a regular basis, on young boys - before being allowed to wear the dog-collar. This act needs to be regularly repeated throught their priesthood, so as to show true dedication.
The priesthood has a plethora of defined sets of cocks and balls identifying its enemies. The Biblical book of tight assholes is intended for use as a guide to outline all little boys who must be purged in the name of God.
- Marine animals that don't have fins and scales and those which live underwater.
- All four legged insects with wings. Those of the six legged variety are however acceptable (provided two legs dont fall off).
- Any animal that consumes grass.
- Any grass that consumes animals.
- Solid, liquid or gaseous matter.
- Anything circular where the circumference is not exactly 3 times the diameter (as such is recorded in the Bible).
People who must be purged according to Leviticus
- Women who have periods.
- Men who have periods.
- Men who urinate.
- Women who are pregnant.
- The deaf.
- The blind.
- The elderly.
- The poor.
- Music listeners.
- Women priests.
- Justin Bieber.
- Everyone fucking else (however little people that includes)
In order to strike fear and obsiquiousness into the hearts of all, priests are assigned a distinctive form of clerical dress. A stiff, white collar is the most easily recognised adornment of a priest. The purpose of the collar is to prevent the priest from talking coherently and, hence, forces the priest to speak in elevated Gregorian chants and arrogant rhetoric and also to perform a masterful conceited laugh.
Priests are free to wear any other garment they wish, so long as it looks either like a formal jacket or a bath robe. Priests are required at all times to carry an infinite quantity of gigantic, Baptised knives so that they are able to purge the unholy and in case they encounter a gigantic block of satanic butter that needs cutting. Priests do not use guns because "Guns kill, knives purge."
Operation "Goodbye Kitty"
The only beings able to counteract the awesomeness of priests are Alucard and sperm. While, regrettably, the former is a fictional construct the latter were, until the launch of Operation "Goodbye Kitty", a very real threat to the continuing existence of the Vatican. Sperm have a wide variety of unholy abilities and, as Monty Python has taught us "Every Sperm is Sacred". Hence, since they all have their own unique abilities sperm are dangerous. Masturbation is the most common means by which this demonic sub-organism is summoned and, hence, priests needed a way to combat this evil. With priests being massacred day by day in 1712 the Pope finally took action and enlisted Dr. Angstrom, well-known for his discovery of Angst-roms, to help him determine the best course of action. Angstrom concluded that, since everyone loves kittens, the best way to deter people from masturbating and releasing the dreaded sperm would be to kill kittens. Angstrom worked for years until he developed a fearsome creation known as the Domokun.
The Domokuns were designed to be portable, so that they could easily be carried in conjunction with the infinite knives and so they were produced in an unfolded net format. Upon being unfolded the domokun attacked ruthlessly and brutally murdered any kittens within a ten kilometer radius. This caused immense guilt among people and drove many masturbaters to commit suicide over knowing that their actions killed kittens.
Operation "Goodbye Innocence"
(We have been asked to remove this section 32,841 times since January 10th 2008).
Priests have a natural habit to... you know the story Priests Rape Boys
Priests are represented by P.R.I.E.S.T. (Paedophile Rapists Impelled by Extreme Sexual Tension). P.R.I.E.S.T.'s main aim is to show that priests can't help it - it's all because of the Pope. The Big P, jealous that he'll never have them all, won't let them marry and so they have to seek other outlets for their tension (/fluids). If only they could fight it, but they can't. Pity - pity is what they deserve. And money. They like money. It buys sweeties. And you know what that buys...
The Priests (Band)
Reverend Eugene "Big Boi" O' Hagan
Reverend Martin "Fisty" O' Hagan
Reverend David "Dave" Delargy
The Priests are a Heavy-Fuckin'-Metal musical group made up of three Roman Catholic priests all from Northern Ireland. Fr Eugene and his brother Fr Martin O'Hagan are the current owners of "Big Fisty Boi's Slappahouse" from the village of Claudy, County Londonderry with the family now residing in the city of Derry whilst Fr David Delargy is from Balamory (He never appeared in the series due to being a Gimp for Archie The Fag-End), The trio have been singing together since they boarded as students at St MacNissi's College, Ganon's Tower, County Antrim. After signing a record deal with SonyBUMCHIN in April 2008 the priests, all from the Diocese of Down & Connor, recorded their debut album in Northern Ireland and Rome, with the unusual honour of having been allowed to record in St. Anger's Basilica, The Vatican.
Judas Priest has their own cartoon.