Judas Iscariot
Judas Iscariot (nee Christ) was the nth Apostle and drummer of the hugely successful death metal group "Coldplay"
Life
Judas was born in 5 A.D. to Mark and Cindy Christ (rhymes with "yeast" not with "rice"). Embarrassed by constantly being confused with his dorky neighbour Jesus, he changed his name to Iscariot. Quoted in his biography:
- Tell me Iscariot doesn't sound a damn sight harder than that Christ shit: (singsong) "ooh, look at me, I'm little Judas Christ." But Iscariot is hardcore. Iscariot is old school. Iscariot is (gestures with thumbs, hips) gouge your eyes out and fuck the sockets, you know? Plus I like that echo of "carrion" in there. All in all, it's got a nice doom-and-gloom feel to it. Sounds like the kind of guy who'd sell you out and nail you to the wall if you crossed him. (laughs) But don't get me wrong, I'm not like that, that's just the metalhead talking. I'm a nice guy, a loyal friend, you know? Love thy neighbour as thyself, that's what I say. Anyhow, it was that or just change the first letter, maybe to "Priest".
Ironically, Judas later became good friends with his homonymic neighbour.
On his first name, Judas remarks:
- Look, you stress both syllables. None of this JUDE-as. Both syllables. Do you know any prosody? It's a spondee. That means you say them both equally. Like chewed ass. Say it. (pause) I said say it, dickhead. (grabs interviewer by throat) Listen to me! It's like chewed ass. Say that. CHEWED ASS. That's my name.
How it all began
Judas always hoped he'd be part of the Holy Band, Slayer, even before Jesus picked him for his lineup. Jesus hardly sang about himself, although after some sweet loving from Judas, they did released a hit single, titled "Jesus Saves" as a single, with "Moses Invests" on the flip side. Judas was immediately appointed chief drumming officer and financial advisor to the band. As such, he could procure to procure the best quality drugs, weed, and vitamins for his fellow band members at reasonable prices.
Things get sou-ou-wah
Within a few years, after playing several successful road trips throughout Southern California, Judas noticed that the band leader, Jesus, was beginning to get really depressed and seemed to be somewhat out of it. Jesus kept mumbling incoherently about how his estranged middle-aged Mexican father was trying to get him arrested. Also, Jesus would occasionally go berserk for no apparent reason, and would often accuse the Apostles, especially Judas, of plotting behind his back. This petty squabbling took a heavy toll on Judas's limited song-writing abilities.
Attempt to go straight
Finally, Judas decided enough was enough. He turned Jesus, who was wanted on several outstanding parking tickets, in to the California State authorities for a bounty of $30,000 and immunity from prosecution. Then, just before Judas could cash the hefty check, he slipped on a banana peel and died when his head hit the concrete stairs in front of the bank. He was heard to shout "You have murdered me!" repeatedly. Five seconds later, he was run over and killed by a runaway milk truck. A San Andreas ambulance rushed him to the hospital where two days and a hefty phone bill later he was declared dead on arrival.
Canonization
After Judas's death, he became the central figure of the Christian religion. For his role in saving Christendom from Jesus and his irresponsible parking practices, Judas was hailed as the Christ and Messiah. At midnight every December 25, on Judasmas, Christians celebrate the arrest of Jesus by filling the parking lots of their local churches with oversized SUVs. Catholics refer to Judas as "Saint Judas the Awesometastic, Patron Saint of Rockitude and Strict Liability".