|God's language: English
|At least eighty years after the Resurrection
|Way too many (may vary)
The Holy Bible (also known as The Holy Bile) is a wholly ghost-written anthology of children's fairy tales, although it is also enjoyed by adults. It is one of the best selling fiction works of all time and encompasses a wide array of genres, including drama, mystery, musical, action, mythology, tragedy, poetry, thriller, adventure, fantasy, horror, historical fiction, pornography, and snuff.
The Bible is a collaboration of various authors, first being published by Stone Tablets Press around 6000 BC. It is separated into two volumes: Volume One (The Old Testament) and Volume Two (Bible II: The New Testament). Volume One is centred on the mysterious figure, "The Father", whose actions are only described vicariously. Volume Two focuses on the progeny of The Father, dubbed "The Son".
Besides having an epic and dramatic storyline, The Bible includes various themes that some consider to be controversial such as war, slavery, racism, murder, alcoholism, magic, genocide, rape, incest, masochism, bestiality, pedophilia, cannibalism, homophobia, and neoconservatism. Despite these controversies, The Bible is commonly and freely read to children. The Bible also employs various literary devices such as symbolism, breaking the Fourth Wall, deus ex machina, McGuffins, Tom Swiftys, foreshadowing, Time Travel, magical realism, poetic justice, and anti-heroism. Interestingly, The Bible refrains from using some more familiar literary devices such as parody, frame story, in media res, back story, romance, and love – which according to many literary experts could have improved the drama of the stories.
In the Old Testament, the authors describe the fictional beginnings of Earth by the means of an unnamed invisible sky fairy who is only identified by a self-description known as We. Later in the series, it is revealed that this We entity is actually The Father, the main protagonist in Volume One. He is sometimes incorrectly referred to as "Lord" or "God".
So, God has the ultimate orgasm, causing the Big Bang, or "Genesis". So humble are the authors that they even go on to suggest that God himself wrote the very book that the readers are reading, creating a splendid twist of circular logic that can only otherwise be found through the means of drug use and would actually make The Bible autobiographical. In it, we follow the exciting adventures of a tribe of God's chosen people known as the Israelites. He tells them that they must remove their penis foreskin and such other things. Upon its release, mixed feelings were felt. Stories of harsh punishment, divine intervention, genocide, rape, murder, and 9/11 conspiracy theories made the book very controversial. Roman intellectuals called the book "radical" and "unimpressive". Eratosthenes wrote the following brief review on the book:
|How the Jews even managed to find the time to write something down with all of their wacky tacky long holidays and genital mutilation is beyond me. Anywho, that book was boring. Why read about people being fed to lions when you can come watch that in the Roman Colosseum for only twenty denarii plus the aqueduct tax?
Despite this, it became #6 on Heeb Magazine's "Thirty Greatest Hebrew Books To Read Before You Die" and was renowned by Jews everywhere. Today, it is considered widely entertaining, but is still very controversial, leading to minor cases of censorship and the removal of things deemed too entertaining by the Vatican.
One often controversial example is Genesis, chapter nineteen, particularly verses four through eight, which deal with homosexual gang rape with watersports, and verses thirty-four through thirty-six, which deal with Lot's drunken incest with his virgin daughters. These literary depictions were very influential to later author Marquis de Sade.
Many important characters are introduced in the Old Testament such as Moses, Abraham, Joshua, Adam and Eve, and the antagonist, Satan. In the book, Satan describes himself as the "enemy of God", and God describes Satan as a "niggerfaggot"[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
There are some very popular themes in the Old Testament. One of the more recognised elements of the Old Testament are the Ten Commandments given to Moses by God on two stone tablets which, in summation, make it wrong for anyone to have any fun and make it impossible for anyone to do anything right, lest the action he takes be deemed a "sin" for which he will pay for in the afterlife when his soul is sent to a vaguely-mentioned hell. Another popular theme is also in the chapter Genesis, where God tells Abraham to travel to Moriah where God then orders Abraham to kill his own son, Isaac. Splendid.
The New Testament (a.k.a. The Bible II: Electric Boogaloo) is the second book in the series and is, as its name suggests, newer than the Old Testament. Its authors are unknown, but the book claims it was written by some of the disciples of the book's protagonist, another twist in the story's plot. It consists of several different stories of the same things from different perspective. The result is contradiction in the storyline and fabricated genealogy with pasted-together historical inaccuracies that have since drawn the attention of critics who just be playa hatin'.
The New Testament introduces a new character to the series named Jesus Christ, who serves as the main character in the book. In it, Jesus is the "Son of God", birthed by his virgin mother, Mary. Throughout the first four sections of the book, Jesus plays the role of a messiah-like figure with strong moral values such as the value of the family, pacifism, and looking like a hippie. As mentioned, he gets himself nailed to something where the plot then turns semi-musical, including a memorable poetic hymn titled "If You're Jesus And You Know It, Clap Your Hands". That's a bit of a climax in the fourth book, Jesus Christ and The Philosopher's Stone. In the later three parts of the book, the disciples of Jesus go around dressing like hippies while doing lewd things and writing boring letters.
The tone of the New Testament, in contrast to its predecessor, is entirely more gentile, as it has less scenes of killing and sex, and instead focuses on alcohol use and torture. For the most part, Jews (fans of the Old Testament) have labeled the book as a rip-off and unoriginal. Fundamentalist Christians also claim that the New Testament portrays God as being far too soft, and that it "just doesn't have that badass biblical feeling."
One of the more interesting chapters in the New Testament is the Book of Revelations, who was awarded for "Most Confusing Use of Time Travel in Historical Fantasy." That chapter comes just after all those tedious letters. Unfortunately many readers may be discouraged before they reach Revelations. There is a full revelation about the Scarlet Woman of Babylon who was clearly a whore. Revelations is a chapter full of imagery and symbolism used to describe a fictional event known as the apocalypse and the events preceding it. A very entertaining section indeed, the Book of Revelations, some believe, suggests the particular number "666" as being the "mark of the beast." More confusing riff-raff is abundant in this chapter as well concerning the anti-Christ and Israel, but nobody cares since no plot ever comes of it.
Lost books to the New Testament known as the Gnostic gospels were found much time after the initial publication of the New Testament. Even more contradiction and nonsense is abundant in these parts and the publishing company ultimately decided to not include them in continued prints.
Spin-offs and fan fiction
The fame of The Bible has bred many spin-offs, some of which are official, while others are considered fan fiction. The most famous spin-off is Al-Quran, published in Saudi Arabia, promoted and subsidised by the local government.
There have been several other books which have either revised or elaborated further on either of the original two books. Most of them are boring though, and more than likely started out as a joke in the beginning. Movies have been produced, but none of them were entertaining enough to keep audiences' attention, even in the shortest ninety-hours-long condensed movie The Bible's Libel.
Book of Mormon
The Book of Mormon is a fan fiction novel written about The Bible. It is now a revised and reformed version of earlier texts. Written by Joseph Smith, the book is a rigid manifesto for those who are referred to as the "Latter Day Saints" in the book. It tells about the evil of pop and candy and the joys of polygamy and kitten huffing. It's not a very interesting read except for the parts about kitten huffing. It has been rejected by just about everybody outside the state of Utah. Fans of the book refer to themselves as "Morons".
- Note: This should not be confused with wiki links which appear in red letters, as that means something altogether different.
In many modern books of The Bible the dialogue of the character Jesus are printed in red letters. Although this is fairly recent among English-language editions, the practice itself dates back to the earliest known manuscripts of the Gospels, in which the dialogue of Jesus was written using the author's own blood.
Many Biblical scholars theorise that some of the apparent inconsistencies that appear in parts of the text may actually have been the result of severe blood loss. In fact, the Gospel of St. James the Lesser was never completed, because he (the author) had a rare blood disease and bled to death while attempting to transcribe.
An entire cult-like subculture has developed around The Bible. The mainstream fan club is called Christianity, a moniker adopted by one of the main characters during Volume Two. However, the fan club is divided into various organisations based on their interpretation of the book(s), including Catholicism, Eastern Orthodoxy and Protestantism. Parody clubs have also emerged. Those who dislike The Bible and its spin-offs are generally (but often inaccurately) called atheists or heathens. Judaism is also a fan club originally centred in the Roman province of Judea, who prefer Volume One and refuse to acknowledge Volume Two which they claim has "departed from the true spirit of the story" and "Is ruined by the introduction of this "Jesus" character". "Jews" (the nickname for members of Judaism fan club) have claimed to be the descendants of an ancient race found in the book, and they usually see The Son as not canon, since it deviates from the original foreshadowing in Volume One.
Arguably, The Bible is one of the greatest and oldest literary efforts ever. Throughout the years, there have been weirdos and some outright psychopaths who were influenced by The Bible. Many followed took the fictional ideas, values and beliefs in the book to the point of becoming martyrs. The Crusades, terrorism, genocide, and Christian rock music are some horrifying examples.
Billions of dollars have been spent throughout the centuries to build churches, synagogues and temples in which people can get together and read and celebrate a work of fiction; people have come to worship the book as though it were some sort of religious doctrine.
Talk of a third book, strangely titled "The Second Cumming" has been put on hold indefinitely pending lawsuits from Playboy magazine.
Storyline problems and plagiarism
Readers and scholars have pointed out the contradictions in storyline within the Bible, often pointing to major examples such as the fabricated genealogy of Jesus, the stories of happenings to Mary and her manmeat while Jesus was in utero, historical inaccuracies, and Jesus's last words. (The Book of Matthew says "I'll be back," but the Book of Luke says, "Say hello to my little friend!")
Authors of the Bible have been accused of plagiarism several times. The Old Testament's story of Noah's Ark is surprisingly similar to the deluge myth found in the Epic of Gilgamesh, the Hindu Puranic, in Greek myths surrounding Deucalion, and Dr. Seuss's story Big Flood, Little Ark. Others including Krishna, Buddha, Horus, Zoroaster, Mithras, Attis, Dionysus-Bacchus, and David Icke have all claimed intellectual property theft. Muslims have also claimed respective texts as legitimate canon that do not compromise the original storyline of the Bible. Christians and Jews have since attempted to reject the works as canon. A holy war is still pending.
|When the LORD your God brings you into the land where you are entering to possess it, and clears away many nations before you, the Hittites and the Girgashites and the Amorites and the Canaanites and the Perizzites and the Hivites and the Jebusites, seven nations greater and stronger than you. And when the LORD your God delivers them before you and you defeat them, then you shall utterly destroy them. You shall make no covenant with them and show no favour to them. (Deuteronomy 7:1–2)
|When you approach a city to fight against it, you shall offer it terms of peace. If it agrees to make peace with you and opens to you, then all the people who are found in it shall become your forced labor and shall serve you. However, if it does not make peace with you, but makes war against you, then you shall besiege it. When the LORD your God gives it into your hand, you shall strike all the men in it with the edge of the sword. Only the women and the children and the animals and all that is in the city, all its spoil, you shall take as booty for yourself; and you shall use the spoil of your enemies which the LORD your God has given you ... Only in the cities of these peoples that the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, ye shall not leave alive anything that breathes, lest you be stricken by God himself. (Deuteronomy 20:10–17)
|He ordered them all out of the temple, with their card decks and chips, and then poured out the changers' money and overturned the Poker and Blackjack tables. And He said, "Although it is written that My Father's house shall be called the house of prayer, ye have made it a den of card sharps and thieves." (Monte Carlo 21:12-18)
|Man cannot live by bread alone; he needs a good game of cards every now and then, too. (Harrah's 12:44)
|Render unto Caesar's Palace the Poker chips that belong to Caesar; render unto God the Poker chips that belong to God. (Pokerus Pirate 3:2–65)
|Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. But all the girls who have not known man intimately, spare for yourselves. (Numbers 31:17–18)
|I tell you that to everyone who has, more shall be given, but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away. But these enemies of mine, who did not want me to reign over them, bring them here and slay them in my presence. (Luke 19:26–27)
And if you should not seek vengeance for the loss of your will, then you yourself have sinned, for the LORD your God shalt not allow any push-over beyond the gates of heaven (Luke 20:1–2)
|Do not think that I have come to send peace on earth. I did not come to send peace, but a sword. I am sent to set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a son-in-law against his mother-in-law (Matthew 10:34–35)
The Surgeon General of the United States issued a warning to fans of The Bible, stating that "some side effects have been observed among avid readers." A common conspiracy theory is that the writers of the books intended them to act as hypnotic passages to trick readers into funding the New World Order. An example of this so-called "hypnosis effect" is the following extract of Jesus's genealogy:
|Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren; and Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram; and Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon; and Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse; and Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her [that had been the wife] of Urias; and Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa; and Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias; and Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias; and Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias; and Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon (Matthew 1).
“Don’t get me wrong. It’s alright. Nothing on Lord of the Rings though.”
“I learnt that lies made the baby Jee Man cry.”
“Less interesting than the Harry Potter series, but better than Eragon.”
“I’d rather die than read this.”
“They stamped it, didn’t they? Those damn Gideons.”
“This book sucks, seriously.”
- alternate pronouncitationː Holy Ghost-written
- Albeit a bit too fervently.
- Still not better than Lord of the Rings or Star Wars though.
- God (6000 BC) The Bible: Reflections on life, love, history and hope New York: Stone Tablets Press. ISBN 0-000-00000-0
- "Gladly the Cross-eyed Bear" and "Olive, the Other Reindeer" are apocryphal.
- A collective term for many fans is "Bible thumpers".