Soft drink

A delicious vial of acid soft drink

The Soft Drink, (Latin name Flaccidus Imbibius), is a liquid-form creature that was synthesized by accident in a lab following a prank, but in more modern times, has become less of a creature and more of a commercially available product. A soft drink is designated as a "Class F Beverage," containing mostly an unholy amalgamation of sugars and acids, allowing it to uncontrollably damage the internals of the unlucky soul who imbibes it. Further ingredients are high fructose corn syrup and more sugar, which both serve to add nothing off value to you, but will enable a dentist to be able to afford another gold-plated toilet, or have a seizure at the thought of it.

Soft drinks are considered "soft" as the opposition drinks such as alcohol often cause certain body parts to stiffen up, whilst soft drinks seem to have little effect on human structural rigidity. Some examples of popular names are: Mountain Doo-Doo, Orange Crust, Cocaine-Cola, Bepis, and Sprunk. Popular flavors range from a standard flavor that tastes like printer toner all the way to medical-grade washing fluid.

Terminology

Military map detailing the main camps.

The soft drink is almost never called a soft drink, and has since divided its drinkers into three camps: the "soda" team, the "pop" team, and the "coke" team. Each vilifies the others as minions of the devil himself, and frequently clash in public areas such as the McDonald's play area. The divisions lie somewhere in-between the Northwest, South, and the West, also known as "no man's land" or sometimes "the Midwest." A lesser and far more pathetic camp lives in Massachusetts, where the rules demand that all soft drink is called "tonic," but thus camp is frequently invaded by the others, who rape and pillage, leaving the team tonic members lower and lower each year.

Other countries joined on on the fun, not being able to resist naming it something else retarded, just to cause more chaos. The UK, renowned for such edible concoctions as bean and kidney tea, decided unanimously to name it the oh-so-creative "fizzy drink," which earned them the wrath of the Irish, who had been calling it "fizzy juice."

History

The origin of the soft drink is hard to trace precisely, but the earliest known interaction with it was at a laboratory somewhere in the Middle East, when a scientist accidentally dropped some fruit in his glass of water, creating the first flavored drink. These early drinks were little more than some fruit being squished inside a glass however, and it wasn't until the discovery of CO2 that things really took off.

The great carbonation

CO2 was discovered by mistake when two cave explorers breathed all the oxygen and left only CO2. The rescuers found their bodies later, but having breathed in all that CO2 they were loopy and started burping nonstop. Fascinated at what could have caused this effect, they then sent in a few more men to try and collect some of it. After losing a few to asphyxiation, some managed to get ahold of the precious gas by exhaling deeply, then inhaling the gas straight up their butts where it could be contained internally. This could then be expelled the same way a fart is released, albeit directly into a glass container where it was then stopped by a cork. This gas, labelled "Bubble Gas" was then jokingly added to one of the scientist's drinks, thus creating the first carbonated drink.

Gaseous water

The scientists quickly realized what they had created by accident, and named it "water with gas." An earlier name, "fart water," was discontinued due to it likely having a negative effect on sales. Water with gas was first sold primarily in Europe, but the Americans quickly caught on and wanted to join the fun. "Water with gas" still sounded suspiciously fart related, so American makers of the drink quickly rebranded it as sparkling water, even though it really didn't sparkle at all.

Acidic experiments

Whilst the gaseous water was quite exciting to most people, some began looking for for a bigger "thrill." Some began to add certain additives including hydrochloric acid and phosphoric acid in attempt to make the fizzing sensation significantly more violent. Unfortunately for these adventurous drinkers, the new powerful sensation was simply the acid slowly melting every part of their bodies that the concoction touched. Some reportedly died of the acid escaping through a new hole in their chest that it had dug; others, it simply burned to death via vicious and often painful chemical reactions. These experiments were quickly banned by the FDA who put a "doesn't taste good" label on the bottles of acid.

"Looks good to me, this'll sell like hotcakes!"

Industrialization and production

Once soft drinks outgrew their roots as science experiments, the capitalism machine quickly moved to take advantage of the ne product. By the 1840s, soft drinks were more popular than water, with there being over 50 manufacturers in London alone, marking it as one of the rare times England was associated with food in a positive light. Popular drinks of the time were "Bri'ish Piss," a lemonade-like substance, and "Scotsman's Blood," a more mysterious red colored soda.

One of the main problems when manufacturing soda was the lack of an effective seal, meaning 90% of the time you got "flat" soda, forcing the drinker to either suffer through it, or fart into it in order to bring it back to "life." The solution was to place a little marble inside, coated with grease. The internal pressure would force the marble towards the top, where the grease would form an airtight seal. Early models quickly racked up a kill count as they functioned much like air rifles, hurling the marble balls into would-be drinker's faces. The solution was to tighten the top of the bottle, and replace the short living grease with a bit of rubber.

Another manufacturer, in Baltimore of all places, created the "screw top" bottle, which allowed or carbonated beverages to be placed into a bottle that would then never pen again thank to the grip force of the bottle cap. A machine was also built to automate bottle production which meant that finally workers no longer had to stand for hours a day blowing glass bottles like the worlds most dangerous rubber balloons.

As with all things, the bottles got progressively more expensive over time, leading to producers turning towards a new invention to fix this crisis: the aluminum can. Ever since that decision, almost all carbonated beverages have came forth from these aluminum vehicles, totally not being a likely cause of early onset Alzheimer's...

Consumption

Statistics

While there haven't been all that many studies done yet, Redditors estimate that the top consuming countries are Argentina, the US, China, and Mexico. More developed countries like Zimbabwe and Algeria have significantly lower consumption rates, mainly due to soda costing more than a house. The average resident in a top consuming country drinks approximately 6 liters per day, outperforming the old king of beverages, alcohol.

"Wanna drink? Kidding, go fuck yourself!"

In more recent times, soda has seen a decline as people began to discover the correlation between drinking soda and hefty dentist bills. This has led to brands creating "healthy" sodas that cost 6x as much, but just taste like burned rubber. Low income countries have taken up the slack by massively ramping up consumption.

The "soda jerk"

like most foods, there had to be a name for the person who distributed or sold the product. The title given to the soda seller originally was "sodie," but unofficially became "soda jerk" within days of inception due to the "sodies" acting like superior types of humans, and frequently spitting in people's drinks.

HowTo: drink a soft drink

Drinking a soft drink is very easy, and anyone with a mouth (or orifice somewhere) can take part in this activity. First, acquire some form of soft drink. Then, pour it out of the receptacle it comes in. If it proves difficult to remove the lid or cap holding it back, feel free to use a hammer, your forehead, or your neighbor's chainsaw. Give the chainsaw back if you went that route, and pour the freed liquid into a new container. The new container should have a space for the liquid to go into, and only one space for it to go out of. The "out" space should be aimed at the ceiling in case it blows up, as this will cause a fountain of fizzing liquid which is fascinating to watch. This also means that the liquid cannot escape the new receptacle under its own power. Then, carefully grab the receptacle and bring it up to your lips. NO, not those lips idiot, the ones on your face. Then, lean the receptacle back so that gravity begins to draw out the liquid inside in a transfer to your mouth. Ensure that the liquid goes into your mouth and not directly into your throat, as this will cause you to become violently ill. Once the liquid is in the mouth, swish it about to ensure it does maximum damage to your teeth before swallowing. Continue these last few steps until all the liquid in the receptacle is gone, then replenish as necessary.

Brands

Cocaine-Cola

Known commonly by inbred hippies as "Coca-Cola," Cocaine-Cola began their famous product by putting some carbonated water, sugar, molasses, and most notably, cocaine into a glass and swishing it all around. The resulting product was an immediate success and put Cocaine-Cola so far ahead of the competition that to this day it remains the top dog, owning the majority of lesser known small brands such as Sprunk, Fanta, Mello Yello, and Powerade, which are all just Cocaine-Cola with varying levels of cocaine in them. In more modern times, there has been both a push to keep the cocaine in, and a push to get rid of it, due to drugs being "bad."

Bepis

Bepis, like Cocaine-Cola, started out by making only one drink, with theirs consisting of just simple black ink and carbonated water. This "beverage" was for some reason extremely popular, bringing in enough money to allow Bepis to begin snapping up every brand that Cocaine-Cola failed to buy, putting them in 2nd place on the beverage totem pole

Keurig

Keurig is German for "cure all," but certainly does not do that. Most people (the fools!) believe that Keurig just makes coffee machines and little capsules for the lazy, but the secret up their sleeve is that they have a PhD. More precisely, a pepper. Doctor Pepper.

Health effects

Obesity

Everyone knows that the fat kid drinks soft drinks. And everyone also knows Newton's laws of matter conservation or whatever it is. This means that whatever the fat kid put into his body won't come out, which is a common explanation for their balloon-like looks, and rotund bodies, as they are chock full of vast amounts of CO2 and methane, which builds up to the point where a lit match may very well lead to a sudden and explosive end. This is also why you never see fat kids smoking cigarettes, as 1) they're already full of shit, and 2) it would turn them into a mini nuclear device, which is against the law to become.

Tooth issues

Due partially to the vast amount of sugar, and partially due to the extreme acids often added in, most soft drinks are not much safer than drinking straight paint thinner. The sugars and acids work together to rapidly mine the calcium from your teeth, forcing drinkers to go see their dentists 6 times a month. The calcium mines that the little liquid-borne terrorist make in teeth are called 'cavities' because they are deep pits generally.

A possible soda-related death

Death

While no death has been directly linked to a soft drink, many people have died after drinking so much that they drowned themselves. Pro-soft-drinkers state that "they would have drowned even if it was 'healthy' water," but anti-soft-drinkers retort that they wouldn't have drank so much if it was water.

Make your own!

Ingredients

• Water
• A sealed lid with two valve openings
• A straw
• A hose
• A sink
• An ass
• Your breath
• Methane

Procedure

1. Take the water and place it into a jar
2. Holding the jar with both valve openings facing down, then lift it to near your butt
3. Fart
4. The gas will rise through the water where it then creates a bubble of pure methane
5. Prepare another glass or bottle by filling it with water
6. Carefully, pass a straw through the valve in the fart jar, and breathe out deeply
7. To get the new methane/CO2 mixture out, attach one end of the hose to a sink, and the other to one of the valves on the fart jar
8. Keep the straw in place, but dip one end into the prepared glass of water
9. Activate the sink to send water to the fart jar
10. The water should displace all the gas, forcing it out of the first valve and through the straw into the prepared glass
11. Voila! The prepared water should now be bubbling gently

Troubleshooting

• Can't fart? - eat beans
• Gas keeps escaping? - tell it to stop that
• Can't see bubbles in the finished product? - see your eye doctor about getting new glasses

See also

• Pop Bomb
• Real Coca-Cola
• Frog Semen