Capri Sun

“OH NOOOOOOOOOOO!”

~ Kool-Aid Man on Capri Sun

The elusive Capri Sun in its natural habitat.

Created by disturbed scientists in the foothills of Sweden, Capri Sun quickly became the most popular beverage in Sweden, Europe, and then The World. It is rumored that it's success is due to the inclusion of crystal meth.

Gangsta

After its worldwide success, consumers began to buy this shit like the sheep they are. Despite the fact that 75% of all consumers suffered from the side effects of this beverage which will be mentioned later, the drink continued to outsell others of its caliber, including Hi-C, Tropicana, and Water. This frightened the establishment, this and the fact that the drink turned many into the Silver Surfer (although still not as tragic as the exploding fruit head incident brought on by Gushers in 1997).

In 1998, Capri Sun was banned in the United States, Britain, England, Cananananananananada, Ireland, South England, the Province of Canananananada formerly owned by France but is now owned by England, South Africa, the Republic of Chiquita, and Iran. But it was too late. Those who had not suffered from the side effects were willing to die for their beloved beverage.

Capri Sun propaganda that wants to make you believe drinking this beverage makes you a cool kid.

In 1999, a small group that wished to legalize Capri Sun in the United States emerged, called CSPAN (Capri Sun Pleases All Noobs), began taking hostages. This group consisted of five members, the leader named Yancey Hopenskotch, later known as Snoop Dogg. Yancey was a vicious leader, killing many of the hostages when he did not receive his demanded Capri Sun. Some might say that Yancey's torture techniques were, for a lack of better words, suggestive, but these comments have been disregarded, for some might say, but no one really said it.

In October 1999, Yancey had not received his desired Capri Sun, so he gave up on his dream of legalizing Capri Sun and began an illegal smuggling operation where he had the Capri Sun shipped to him via the Fantastic Four. No one would ever expect a group so opposed to the Silver Surfer to actually help spread the disease. However, Mr. Fantastic does love his Strawberry artificially flavored Capri Sun. This is where Yancey adopted the street name Snoop Dogg, and began selling the beverage under its new street name, Crunk Juice. It was on the streets that Capri Sun's popularity resurfaced.

In 2002, after Capri Sun had spread quickly throughout the underground community, it gained a certain credibility, also known as Street Cred. It was safe to say, Capri Sun had become the most gangster drink in existence, out- growing its street name and becoming a fixture in numerous rap videos, such as 50 Cent's "In Da Club". Unfortunately, many had recognized the outlawed substance, and the establishment began beating people up in frustration, but were not nearing Yancey's brilliant Underground Operation.

Present Day

Capri Sun's Evil Lair, in China.

After much dispute and several unsolved murder cases, Yancey was forced into ending his underground operation, but no sooner had he done so that Target began selling it. Being that Target is an establishment set up by God and the Fourth Order of Jesus, the drink became legal once again throughout the world. Since its legalization, Capri Sun has been the number one cause of death among adolescents and gangstas.

Side Effects

• Silver Surfer Syndrome (SSS) - Turns kids into disgusting silver blobs that fly around really fast and scare the shit out of people who aren't stoned off their asses.
• AIDS - Disease caused by the sharing of needles, sex with African primates, or drinking Capri Sun excessively.
• Overdose - Too much Capri Sun can lead to what many drug dealers and alcoholics call OD.
• Diarrhea - Shit expels from all crevices of the body.
• Garth Brooks Disease - The drinker likes Garth Brooks, and as a result, they will have no friends.

Are You Going to Drink That?

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