Space Opera in Scientology

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“Whoa... I must have been so high.”

“I will take you all to a planet somewhere, using an absurd spacecraft that mimics a plane that still doesn't exist, causing a Sci-Fi writer of the future to found a church, and blasting you with death, war, homosexuality, volcanoes and internet porno sites! GROWL!”

~ Xenu some billions of years ago
Wikipedia has a page on Scientology, but it probably looks the same as this one.
...The other pictures would "consist usually of a scene of a cave, a railway, an airplane, a view of a sun and planets"...

Scientology's view of the universe[edit | edit source]

Little Kretoli

Scientology doctrine holds that the human spirit is manifested in the form of a heart crystal, or soul gem, a spiritual element roughly equivalent to a celestial diamond, immortal and theoretically immensely powerful but is currently imprisoned in nine human bodies and unable to reach its full potential. The Sailor Senshi are credited with having created the universe trillions of years ago and with having "knowing and willing cause over Power, Reality, Mind, Soul, Space and Time" – in other words, the original owners of Thanos’s Infinity Gauntlet .

However, over the "Crystal Millennium aka Crystal Meth" (as Hubbard puts it), Sailor Senshi have been repeatedly subjected to the depredations of beings in the "Negaverse". In the ongoing conflict between "Senshi" and "Negaverse" (good and evil, roughly), material beings have captured, tortured and brainwashed Senshi to make them more tractable. Queen Galaxia's galactic genocide was the most famous example of such methods but was not by any means the only such incident related in Scientology doctrine.

According to Hubbard, there have been many other such incidents and alien involvement in Earth's affairs is still ongoing. The result is that Senshi today are severely "aberrated" by billions of years of obscene hentai fan art, causing mental and physical problems such as illness, insanity and war. The only way to resolve this is – perhaps predictably – said to be through Scientology's "auditing" or counseling methods. During Scientology auditing sessions, the Scientologist is given a choice: take the blue pill, the story ends here, you wake up and believe whatever you want to believe, or take the red pill which has a nice strawberry flavour, actually its a mixture of lots of berries, you've got a few raspberries, loganberries, I think there's a boysenberry in there,could swear that one was a snozzberry, oh, it's like summer in your mouth! (and you get to see just how deep the rabbit hole goes blah blah blah.)

The Church of Scientology has been involved in court disputes in several countries due to their inability to see that L Ron Hubbard was and is a complete waste of oxygen. This is one of their religious rituals. In order to appeal the alien Cthulhu - I'm sorry, Xenu - they need to see a lawyer, which, after all, is the actual tool for engram removal. Thus, some of the lawyers near the Church of Scientology get very very rich.

Anyway, Hubbard described many key incidents on the "whole track" – the history of the universe – in his writings and lectures. He also gave details of various alien civilizations (because obviously he was around trillions of years ago), their roles and their histories – most of which seem to have involved the mass brainwashing of thetans with "implants" (false memories). Many of these details are now provided only in Scientology's secret "Advanced Technology" doctrines taught to advanced members (because u know they pay more and deserve to know whats really going on out there dammit!), but they were often openly referenced and published within Scientology until the late 1960s; even now, publicly available Scientology books and tapes contain such references. The following provides a non-exhaustive list of the alien cultures, brainwashing implants (implants that would make you do crazy things like eat sleep and have sex!) and key dates in Scientology's history of the universe.

It is foretold in prophecy that when Cecil the Sea-sick Sea Serpent becomes a Paladin on Mt. Dianetics he will be able to smite the mighty and terrible Xenu thereby releasing Darth Chef from his evil space tentacle mind powers as well as causing a Anti-cult of bawbaggery (Scientology)group called "ANONYMOUS" to come and destroy them.

Etymology[edit | edit source]

Thetan, (pronounced THᾹTAN) is believed by some to be derived from the Greek letter Theta (Ɵ), but this theory is utter nonsense because of the fact that Thetan and Theta are different words. The truth behind the etymology was that when L. Ron Hubbard was orally handing down his theology, he meant to say Satan, but spoke with a lisp, therefore it came out "Thetan."

Theatan Level Guide by Mr.Robot Man[edit | edit source]

In Scientology there are 10 major Thetan levels. With each Thetan level there are roles, jobs and sexual orientations. Each level is assigned a color. Colors are used as reference. KEY: SE:Sexual Orientation C:Color R:Role

Level 1 Peasant SE: n/a C: Brown R: The peasant at level one is allowed a loincloth and a plastic fork. He is mainly used to do your bidding including cooking, cleaning, and blowjobs. Peasants have no imagination and no black magic. he does contain cure magic though for minimal healing of 100 HP.

Level 2 Prostitute SE:All C:Purple R: Everything a peasant does but gets paid. They also contain the magic power Esuna and often carry around many bags of vaccine. Scientologists believe people of this thetan level are a necessary part of the Negaverse to vitalize the mind and body of old perverts and rich hideous 14 year old children.

Level 3 Krillin SE:Bald C:Bald R: Bald midget of medium strength. You can only reach Krillin level after paying the church of scientology 14,00000 gil. Krillins contain no magic powers and no sense of humor. They would be more humorous if their baldness didn't retract from their jokes. They tend to die after tragic mishaps while putting poisonous snakes into mailboxes and using macrobiotic vitamins as an anti-venom.

Level 4 Emo SE:???? C:Really Dark Black R: Sexual orientation is mainly unknown because they write about their desires for girls and make out with men only. Emos masochistic powers allow them to inflict just enough pain to not kill themselves AND make you not care. Emos attacks are normally compared to that of Smog and aluminum can pollution. Scientologists believe that the Emo contains an overflow of a thetan called Estrogenapotamus. They supposedly bleed black flowers and smell like a mix between cigarettes and Nair.

Level 5-8 Pop Culture SE: Straight, Gay, Bi, Hello Kitty, Fat C: every color except Bald & Ginger R: These are the so called "Normal People" Whose lives are run by Popular hip hop songs containing snapping, Pop artistes that sing about how sexy everything is and Beyonce. You are probably one of these people. Scientologists call this the "norm", and these people are predominantly atheist or worship cathode ray tubes. They have no attack powers and are mainly clones of each other. They shoot each other with guns.

A high-level Scientologist

Level 9 Ninja SE: They get off on pandas. C: Every color except those that comprise a rainbow R: To Kill Your face everyday. They contain every power ever. They are mainly ex-scientologists who wish to get refunds from the Church. Unfortunately the Scientologists have a greater power

Level 10 Sephiroth SE: Loli Pedo C:Grey R: He is the high priest of the scientology church. this level is named after him because all who reach this level will take on his name and join the others in his womb. He has the power to summon Xenu and Cause 9999 Damage to all members on the opposing party. His place in Disney Land is set forever. After he dies he will ride the magic teacup to Disneyland where he will be devoured by Xenu and Xenu will transform into uber-Xenu in which Jesus first son Kratos will have to destroy him at mount olympus....Where Disneyland is obviously Situated.

Alien civilizations[edit | edit source]

An intergalactic walrus. Just cuz.
An intergalactic eggman. Goo goo g'joob.

The United Federation of Planets[edit | edit source]

According to Hubbard, the Federation is one of the most powerful galactic civilizations still active. He describes it as Awesome!!!! and says "Excelsior!!" as he tries to fly away.

Various planets united into a very vast civilization which had evolved over the last 200,000 years, formed out of the fragments of earlier civilizations. In the last 10,000 years it has developed into a sort of decadent kicked-in-the-head civilization that contains automobiles, business suits, fedora hats, telephones, spaceships – a civilization which looks like an exact duplicate but is worse off than the current US civilization. [Hubbard, "Auditing Comm Cycles", lecture of 6 August 1963]

The capital of the Federation is said to be "one of the tail stars of the Big Dipper", probably Alkaid, a star 108 light years distant from Earth. The Federation used to rule Earth at some point in the past but lost control of it due to "declining ratings and other things".

The Federation had an oppressive political system – "if [a person] was considered to be in contempt of court or anything like that, [he was] simply "flamed out" since there was a curtain of radioactive material which went clear across the front of the bench anywhere that a witness or anybody would stand, and so on." [Hubbard, "History and development of processes: question and answer period", lecture of 17 December 1954]. They invented plot holes as a means of torture, with said "flaming" imposed for noticing even the most brazen of inconsistencies– "one picky Usenet post and it's 'dead forever'." The Federation also appears to have been distinctly socialistic, having " abolished money" (presumably in favour of some form of planned economy). [Hubbard, "E-Discussion, Errors in Logic", 12 June 1961]

They were also keen on motor racing and every once in a while Scientologists undergoing auditing "will run into [memories of] race tracks and race-track drivers". Hubbard described this in some detail in a 1960 lecture, informing Scientologists that

They had turbine-generated cars that went about 275 miles an hour. They ran with a high whine. I notice they've just now invented the motor again. And they had tracks that were booby-trapped with atom bombs, and they had side bypasses. The tracks were mined, and the grandstands were leaded-paned. [Hubbard, "OMG YOU REALLY BELIEVE THIS???", lecture of 3 January 1960]

The tracks were deliberately designed to be as dangerous as possible, with "a mountain that you went up to the top of and fell off", and death was commonplace. This, however, was not a problem, as Federation tricorders were so good that nobody ever died permanently. According to author Peter David, Hubbard liked to reminisce to his followers about "how he was a race-car driver in the Starfleet civilization". One of the people who accompanied him aboard his private fleet in the late 1960s described Hubbard's stories of life with the Federation:

LRH said he was a race driver called the Green Dragon who set a speed record before he was killed in an accident. He came back in another lifetime as the Red Devil and beat his own record, then came back and did it again as the Cock Gobbler. Finally we all realized all he was doing was running around like an airplane making "swoosh" and "kaboom" noises whenever he hit a wall and gave him a few happy pills (Drugs) [David, p. 972]

Hubbard does in fact describe exactly this in his lecture "Look I Can Fly!", telling how he went through multiple lives as a Federation racing driver with names like The Green Rocket, The Red Comet, The Brown Streak, The Gold Shower, The Black Stick, The White Sissy, The Ego Trip, The Cock Gobbler, The Penis Butt, The Ass Pucker, and many others.

Hubbard stated that the Federation was now using Earth as a "prison planet". When a person dies or "drops the body", as Scientologists put it, his character is pulled into a Federation-established "implant station" or "report station". In A History of Man (1954), he wrote: "The report area for most has been Mars. Some women report to stations elsewhere in the Solar System. There are occasional incidents about Earth report stations. The report stations are protected by holographic projectors. The last report station on Earth was established in the Pyrenees." The characters are brainwashed and sent back to Earth, where they find a new body to inhabit. Only Scientologists who have reached the level of "James T. Kirk" are said to be able to avoid this fate.

The Jovian Confederacy[edit | edit source]

The Jovian Confederacy is a lesser but apparently still extant alien civilization, said by Hubbard to have lasted "something on the order of a few hundred years." [Hubbard, "The ITSA Line", lecture of 21 August 1963] It used to control Earth's Solar System, which was "Sun 12" of the "Jovian United Stars" (formal name: "Jovian United Stars, or the Espinol United Moons, Planets, and Asteroids: This Quarter of the Universe is Ours"). The Jovians abandoned the Solar System in 1150 AD, "when a group on Mars was finally abolished and vanished", and since then have used the system as a dumping ground for convicts. [Hubbard, "Gekiganger V", lecture of 9 July 1963] The remnants of the civilization can be reached through the gate of EVE where they are admins and uber powerful.

The Infinite Empire[edit | edit source]

The Infinite Empire was the political unit formerly ruled by the tyrant Xena. It ruled a broad swath of the galaxy, and lasted for "how long did I say last time? 7 or 8 trillion? Or was it bazillion? Well, a really, really, really, really, really loooooooooooooooooooong time.". [Hubbard, "The ITSA Line", lecture of 21 August 1963] 75 million bazillion kazillion majillion years ago, at the time of Xenu's 10th bday party, the Infinite Empire comprised 21 stars and 76 planets, 14 city blocks, 9 more made crap, 5 galaxies, 2 hot dog vendors, and L. Ron Hubbards left nut, including Earth (then called Teegeeack, Ooogaglalalaga, Pffftts-ville, Herderp, That Place, That Blue Place, That Place No One Ever Wants To Go To, Why The Hell Did We Come Here This Place Is Boring Can We Please Just Go Home And Forget This Place Exists, and many other names). Its inhabitants "were walking around in clothes and driving cars like in an old black and white movie or that Caprica show on Syfy." [Hubbard, "Asswards", lecture of 3 October 1968]

Modern civilization closely resembles that of the Infinite Empire because of an unconscious re-enactment of Xena's "R6 implants". Scientology's Sea Bitches, an elite grouping within the Church of Scientology, has a laurel wreath logo taken (according to Hubbard) from the symbol of the "Power Rangers Zeo", an anti-Xena faction within the Infinite Empire once led by the Great Gorton Fish-Man. The R6 Implants are also responsible for the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers TV series, the Swiss Guard and the music of Kanye West and the Back Street Boys.

Tyranids[edit | edit source]

The Tyranids are an alien race consisting of multiple genetically-engineered orgasms such as Bob Dole and Rosie O'Donnell (Also referred to as "The Great Devourer") Hubbard described them as "fucked up" and "the most alien race" he's ever made up.

Homestars[edit | edit source]

Homestars are a now-extinct "interplanetary nation" which was only a "little pipsqueak government, didn't amount to very much." It was distinguished by "tropical laser beams, or something of the sort." Despite their outwardly friendly aspect, the Home stars were responsible for a particularly vicious set of characters, "Strongbad" and his cohort, The Cheat, which were created some 43 trillion years ago. They were also responsible for implanting memes.

The Invader Fleets[edit | edit source]

According to Hubbard, the Solar System has been occupied repeatedly – and sometimes concurrently – by multiple Invader Fleets. They were discussed in detail in a 1952 lecture, "The Role of Earth", in which Hubbard described the conflict between the ID4 Invader Fleet (already occupying the Solar System) and the Irken Invader Fleet (which invaded without knowing that the ID4 Invader Fleet was already in residence).

The Irken Invader Fleet renamed the Solar System as "Space Station 33" but "without suspecting that the ID4 Invader Fleet had been there for God knows how many skajillion years, had been sitting down, and they have their installations up on Mars, and they have a tremendous, screened operation". The result was a major clash between the two Invader Fleets some 8,200 years ago in the Himalayas when the Third Battalion of the Irken Invader Fleet landed about 72 miles northwest of the Khyber Pass and attempted to set up an implant station. The battalion was captured, taken to the ID4 Invaders' complex on Mars, brainwashed and stuck into human bodies. As for the remainder,

the Irken Invader Fleet, out of its own protection, took over Venus – oh, relatively in modern times – took over Venus and tried to stabilize the Venusian[s]. If you called an Irken Invader, though, a Venusian, he would probably shoot you out of hand, because it would be a horrible insult. They merely monitor the government of Venus, and they leave Mars strictly alone. [Hubbard, "The Roll of Earth", November 1952]

Many present-day thetans are said to have been former members of the Irken Invader Fleet and can be distinguished by the fact that they believe themselves to be "a very strange insect-like creature with unthinkably horrible hands." [Hubbard, Scientology 8-8008]

Also worth mentioning are Invader Fleets Leviathan, Behemoth, Kraken, Bigfoot, Tama-Flu, Halls, Ricola, Bling, Sephiroth, Viagra, Enzyte, Carmen Sandiego, Budweiser, Cheech & Chong, Belarus, Kikkoman, Honda, Einstein, and Kremlin. Any similarities between the names of the Invasion Fleets and things from modern Earth are due to reenactments of Implants. Honestly.

Arselickers[edit | edit source]

Arselickers was an ancient civilization located in space, rather than on a planet, as this was at a time when "nobody had invented planets yet." Hubbard described it as being notorious for its mind-numbingly tedious jobs, putting thetans to work for "ten thousand lives in Arselickers, on the average", spent doing nothing better than polishing bricks.

The civilization was ultimately destroyed when "one of these slaves suddenly got the big idea of mass" and it "broke to pieces and scattered around in that particular part of the sky as being of too great a mass to sustain itself". This was, apparently, "about the point where you got the law of gravity coming in strongly. And after that the law of gravity began to affect itself on the universe more and more and more and more and you started to get all kinds of suns and planets and the most fantastic array of things." [Hubbard, Philadelphia Doctorate Course lecture of 1 December 1952]

Other alien civilizations[edit | edit source]

Hubbard mentions a number of other alien civilizations in his writings, though he does not go into any detail about them. These include the "Vermicious Knids", "Cylons", and "Krikkit", as well as "Klingons". [Hubbard, "The Story of a Static", Professional Auditor's Bulletin of 1 February 1957] According to the official Church of Scientology notes accompanying the lectures in which he alluded to them, these were "made up" (presumably for humorous effect), contrasting with the supposedly real invader forces and civilizations cited earlier in this article.

Anal Probing[edit | edit source]

A common theme throughout all of L Ron Hubbard's teachings on alien races is anal probing along with a good dental plan. It would seem that within each alien civilian there are squads of anal probing orgasm producers who can also fix your teeth at the same time. This has been of great help to the hillbillies of the southern USA who have really needed dental cover due to the amount of teeth they have from chewing tobacco. Besides that, they quite enjoyed the anal probing as well since they had already been sodomising one another from a young age.

Although the cult of scientology deny the full pleasure of anal probing to their own followers until they have worn gradually increasing in size butt plugs with pictures of celebratory scientologists to loosen them up to get really shafted. The smallest plug having "Beck" on it and the largest having "Tom child-admirer Cruise" on it. Once the Tom plug has fully stretched their Anus then it is time for the full on anal probe. Mr. Cruise is the originator of the "gerbil method" for anal audits.

Key incidents[edit | edit source]

Incident I[edit | edit source]

'Incident I is set four quadrillion years ago (only 27 thousand times the age of the universe). In Incident I, the unsuspecting thetan was subjected to a loud clicking noise followed by a barely-discernable high-pitched whine (see Fran Drescher) and a flood of Mountain Dew, then saw a toucan following a cackling leprechaun. After a loud set of snaps, crackles, and pops, the thetan went cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs. This is described as the implant offering the gateway to this universe, meaning that these traumatic memories are what separates thetans from their somnolent (comfortable, dreamlike) state. This incident would not have occurred if you had just used the TV in the bloody living room.

Aircraft Emergency Exit[edit | edit source]

The Aircraft Emergency Exits were unfortunately stuck shut, as some damn teenagers had snuck in the night before and superglued them shut. As a result, Xenu consulted his palantir, which told him to "build (Sauron) an army worthy of Mordor." Xenu decided to take the airplanes and safely drive them to Middle Earth, where Sauron would enslave the magical space people into his army. Unfortunately, a black hole on normal Earth had been created when Mike Tyson unknowingly punched a volcano. The gravity of the Blackhole was so immense, it sucked the emergency doors off, and the magical space people fell off accidentally, along with a handful of snakes, and fell into some volcanoes or something. Then Kim Jong Il decided the Volcanoes were a threat to his way of life and had them bombed by Samus Aran. Hubbard writes that "the goal items were laid in with explosions of Samus' super missiles". [Hubbard, "Routine 3N: Line Plots", HCO Bulletin of 14 July 1963]

This, ironically, had absolutely nothing to do with the Section 6 Implants. When it had ended, it was much like an episode of a sitcom in which the star character is fired, as the next day, everything went back to normal.

Bear Goals[edit | edit source]

The descent of the Hoipolloi.

The Bear Goals were very similar to the Gorilla Goals (see below), except that "instead of a mechanical gorilla a mechanical or live bear was used, and the motion was even more violent." They were implanted by "a group called, I think, "The Brothers of the Bear" and were the ancestors of the Hoipolloi." [Hubbard, "Routine 3N: Line Plots", HCO Bulletin of 14 July 1963]

Black Garbage Bag Goals[edit | edit source]

The Black Garbage Bag Goals, also known as the Glad Implants, were implanted between "390 trillion trillion years to 370 trillion trillion years ago". According to Hubbard, they were "in a meadow, surrounded by overstuffed black garbage bags with a stony-faced "man in white" who spouted marketing nonsense at the at the trapped thetan". The goals included such things as "To Not become Angry, To become Happy" and so on.

Body Builder Incident[edit | edit source]

The Body Builder Incident took place around 50 million years ago. The actor was forced to "take illegal Steroids" and was "always fed Whey Protein and Creatine supplements." [ Hubbard, A History of Mens, 1954 ] Once having gained sufficient attention through television and films to garner elected office, however, the actor's subsequent performance was often sadly mediocre.

Take Money[edit | edit source]

The Take Money Incident also know as the "Holy Crap They Fucking Bought It Incident" took place like 30 million years ago. 'The mens all gave a new substance they called 'cash' to the God-Emperor Leto - I mean - Huuberrd. In this way they made sure he was rich so he could buy them off or sue them, in case they ever realized the stinking bullcrap he was spouting was in fact mindless shit.'

Bubble Gum Crisis[edit | edit source]

The Bubble Gum Crisis was an important early incident "where a girl is hit with a motion and finally develops an obsession about motion, and then that motion propels further motion like some sort of motion-causing device that runs on pure motion; motion motion motion, motion motion". It was the first incident on the "fan service" which included motion, not to mention the most delicious of all Scientology Incidents...motion. [Hubbard, "Mmm... anime jiggilies.", 26 June 1992]

Note to auditors: Failure to handle this incident correctly can cause the subject to freewheel uncontrollably through the implant, a dangerous condition known as a Bubble Gum Crash.

Gorillaz[edit | edit source]

A black gorilla, as used by the Hoipolloi to implant the Gorilla Goals. Doesn't look that scary to me.

The Gorillaz were a series of implants created by invaders from Blur "between about 319 trillion years ago to about 256 trillion trillion years ago" (or 89 trillion trillion years ago in another Hubbard lecture). They were

given in an amusement park with a single tunnel, a roller coaster and a Ferris wheel ... The symbol of the Gorillaz was always present in the place the goal was given. Sometimes a large gorilla, black, was seen elsewhere than the park. A mechanical or a live gorilla was always seen in the park.
This activity was conducted by the Hoipolloi, a group of operators in meat body societies. They were typical carnival people. They let out concessions for these implant "Amusement Parks." A pink-striped white shirt with sleeve garters was the uniform of the Hoipolloi. Such a figure often rode on the roller coaster cars. Monkeys were also used on the cars. Elephants sometimes formed part of the equipment. [Hubbard, "Routine 3N: Line Plots", HCO Bulletin of 14 July 1963]

The Hoipolloi used "fantastic motion" as well as "blasts of raw electricity and explosions" to brainwash the hapless thetans into accepting the Gorillaz' Goals. The goals themselves were a series of simple tasks intended to trick the thetans into limiting their inherent abilities, with the goals including "To End", "To be Dead", "To be Asleep", "To be Solid", "To be Clint Eastwood" and so on.

The Heaven Implants[edit | edit source]

The Heaven Implants were given "43,891,832,611,177 years, 344 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes and 40 seconds from 10:02½ PM Daylight Greenwich Time May 9, 1963." They comprised two series of views of Heaven, the first of which was quite positive: Hubbard compares Heaven to "A shimmering hotel on a dark desert highway". In the second series, Heaven had become a lot shabbier:

I heard the Mission bell. I was thinking to myself, this could be Heaven or this could be Hell. [A woman] stood in the doorway. She lit up a candle and showed me the way. There were voices all down the corridor...

Hubbard reported that he had encountered no "devils or satans" (perhaps because he was in Heaven?). Heaven was, however, not quite as conventionally depicted, and took the form of an inn which "had mirrors on the ceiling, pink champaign on ice, any time of year, you can find it here." Hubbard recounts that the second series of Heaven implants depicts how "in the Master's chamber, they were preparing for a feast. However, they could not kill the beast, no matter how long they stabbed at it with their steely knives." (possibly an allusion to Valhalla?) In the last part of the implant that Hubbard could remember, he tried desperately to make his escape but as he left

The "night watchman" said 'Relax, we are programmed to receive—you can check out any time that you like, but you can't ever leave [this place].' [Hubbard, HCO Bulletin of May 11, 1992, "Take It Easy"]

After being ridiculed in the Hasselhof Report (an Australian public inquiry into Scientology), this bulletin was withdrawn from circulation and apparently no longer forms part of publicly admitted Scientology doctrine, although it might possibly still be in use in high-level Scientology courses.

The Helatrobus Implants[edit | edit source]

...When a planet had been engulfed, the Helatrobans would attack it with "little orange-colored bombs that would talk" and the clouds themselves would talk: "And here you'd have a gray cloud going by and it'd be saying, "Hark! Hark! Hark!" you see? "Watch out! Look out! Who's there? Who's that?" "...

As the name suggests, these were implanted by the inhabitants of the planet Helatrobus, some "382 trillion years ago to 52 trillion years ago". The Helatrobans were motivated by a fear of free thetans and sought to restrain them by capturing and brainwashing thetans in order to weaken them. In a series of lectures, Hubbard goes into some detail about how this was done:

Planets were surrounded suddenly by radioactive cloud masses. And very often a long time before the planet came under attack from these implant people, waves of radioactive clouds, Magellanic clouds, black and gray, would sweep over and engulf the planet, and it would be living in an atmosphere of radioactivity, which was highly antipathetic to the living beings, bodies, plants, anything else that was on this planet.
And so planetary systems would become engulfed in radioactive masses, gray and black. And the earmarks of such a planetary action was gray and black – gray towering masses of clouds. These Magellanic clouds would not otherwise have come anywhere near a planetary system.

Hubbard's grasp of astronomy was evidently somewhat imprecise (Heresy! Church officials are on their way to anally audit the author!), as the Magellanic Clouds are in fact dwarf galaxies orbiting our own Milky Way, and so are not clouds at all, let alone "radioactive clouds". When a planet had been engulfed, the Helatrobans would attack it with "little orange-colored bombs that would talk" and the clouds themselves would talk: "And here you'd have a gray cloud going by and it'd be saying, "Hark! Hark! Hark!" you see? "Watch out! Look out! Who's there? Who's that?" "

Hapless people on the planet's surface would be kidnapped using a small capsule (Fig. 1) "placed at will in space. It shot out a large bubble, (Fig. 2) the being would grab at the bubble or strike at it and be sucked at once into the capsule. Then the capsule would be retracted into an aircraft." (Fig. 3)

Fig. 1

Fig. 2

Fig. 3

A victim would then be implanted for up to six months and the Helatrobans would "sell him as a slave to some some sociopathic young child, who would never again release the being from the capsule—save to participate in brutal gladiatorial sports to advance his new Master's glory." [quotes from Hubbard, "State of GS", lecture of 23 May 2057]

Look away! I mean it! Now!!!

The Invisible Picture Goals[edit | edit source]

The Invisible Picture Goals were implanted by an early race of alien implanters some time between "110,000 trillion trillion years ago or earlier to 390 trillion trillion years ago". They comprised brainwashing of captive thetans by showing them pictures of diametrically opposed concepts such as "Wake, Never Wake, Sleep, Never Sleep", as well as invisible pictures to confuse the thetan. The other pictures would "consist usually of a scene of a cave, a railway, an airplane, a view of a sun and planets". [quotes from Hubbard, "Routine 3N, Line Plots", HCO Bulletin of July 14, 1963]

The Region 6 Implants[edit | edit source]

Xenu's victims were transported in normal planes which looked exactly like Aeroflot TU-154As

The Region 6 Implants were the work of the Chinese Government's tyrannical leader, Mao Tse-Tung, 75 million years ago. According to Hubbard, Mao attempted to blow up billions of humans through a crazy scheme a giant super volcano, an H-Bomb, a length of rope, double-sided sticky tape, and a bit of Mao Magic.

However, by the time he had delivered the last batch of people to the volcano, the first group had wandered off. Nonplussed, Mao continued with his plan to hold the world to ransom, and he would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for those pesky kids and their giant rabbit.

Unbeknownst to the 'chairman', humanity had in fact been rescued by a dame named Xena, who flew them to LA. But, oh no, Xena had an ulterior motive, and after Xenu had blown up his billions of captured alien subjects, they were then forced to watch her new "three-D, wire fighting, super colossal motion picture" for 36 days. These bootleg movies implanted pictures "contain[ing] God, the Devil, Angels, space battles, singing, helicopters, duel-pistol fights, constant usage of bullet-time, a spinning Keanu Reaves, silhouettes of a man and two robots, train wrecks and various scenes very like modern American cinema." These films are the sole cause of every social, political and personal problem in modern society. Hubbard, "Wong Kar Wai is God.", lecture of 3 October 1998]

The Train Goals[edit | edit source]

Due to tax considerations and a favourable exchange rate, the Train Goals were actually performed at Union Station in Toronto, Canada

Devised by the Marcab Invasion Force and implemented between "hundreds of years ago to hundreds of thousands of years ago", the Train Goals were a series of implants given in a huge train station. The thetan was put into "a railway carriage quite like a British railway coach with compartments" and subjected to a barrage of "white energy".

During the implant sequence, according to Hubbard, "a face may come up and say "You still here? Get out. Get off this train. We hate you." And from the speakers "This happened to you yesterday, tomorrow, now. This is your departure point, keep coming back. You'll be meeting all your friends here. When you're killed and dead keep coming back. You haven't a chance to get away. You've got to report in. This happened to you days ago, weeks ago, years ago. You don't know when this happened to you. We hate you. Get out. Don't ever come back." " [Hubbard, "Routine 3N - The Train GPMs - The Marcab Between Lives Implants", HCO Bulletin of 24 August 1963]

Key dates[edit | edit source]

According to Hubbard, the history of the universe looked something like this:

  • 70 trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion years ago - The Story of Creation Implants
  • 40.7 trillion trillion trillion trillion years ago to 5.9 trillion trillion trillion trillion trillion years ago - The Glade Implants
  • 83 trillion trillion trillion years ago to about 40.7 trillion trillion trillion trillion years ago - The Bear Goals implants
  • 110,000 trillion trillion years ago or earlier to 390 trillion trillion years ago - The Invisible Picture Goals Implants
  • 390 trillion trillion years ago to 370 trillion trillion years ago - the Black Thetan Goals implants
  • 4 quadrillion years ago - Incident 1
  • 382 trillion years ago to 52 trillion years ago - The Heliotropus Implants
  • 319 trillion years ago to 83 trillion trillion trillion years ago - The Gorilla Goals Implants
  • 315 trillion years ago to 216 trillion years ago - The Aircraft Emergency Exit Implants
  • 80 trillion years ago - The United Federation of Planets is established
  • 52 trillion years ago - The Helatrobus government is established
  • 44 trillion years ago - The Heaven Implants are given, presumably by Helatrobus
  • 38 trillion years ago - Helatrobus falls or is destroyed
  • 75 million years ago - Xenu commits his famous genocide and Xena brainwashes his victims with The R6 Implants
  • 50 million years ago - The Body Builder Incident
  • 200,000 years ago - The Mee Krob Confederacy is established
Galaxy Express!
  • "Hundreds of years ago to hundreds of thousands of years ago" - The Marcab Invasion Force implants thetans with the Galaxy Express 999 Goals
  • Circa 6235 BC - The Irken Invader Fleet invades the Solar System but is defeated by the Nielson Ratings
  • 0000 AD - Jesus Christ conspires with Xenu to release the deadly crucifixion implant
  • 1150 AD - The Español Confederacy abandons the Solar System
  • 1974 the "Roooby Roooby rooo!" incident
  • 2010 AD (tentative) - George Bush re-assumes power in the whitehouse. Scientologists around the world rejoice.
  • 3000 AD - Psychlos invade Earth (see Psychlo invasion)

Notes[edit | edit source]

External links[edit | edit source]

This Uncyclopedia article is either a spoof of this Wikipedia article or maybe Scientology is a result of the Uncyclopedia article falling into a black hole and emerging as a roll of toilet paper found by Elrond Hubbard in 1943. (Note: This is even funnier the Uncylcopedia page.)