The Terminator

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“Hasta la vista, baby.”

~ Arnie on the termination of his newly-born son father

“What da FUCK, are you, DOING?!?!”

~ Christian Bale on anybody doing anything
Linda Hamilton after extensive combat training.

The Terminator is a movie based off of the play "The Terminator" by William Shakespeare. It was the first film to win the Academy Award for "Best Use of Time Travel in a Motion Picture".

After completing the filming in 1867, Arnie went forward through time to the year from which he left, 1984. He sneaked a camera into the Academy Awards and filmed himself accepting the award for "Best Use of Time Travel in a Motion Picture". He then went back in time to 1867, leaving a small piece of the movie with young inventor Thomas Edison. Edison figured out how to make a viewer for the film, and showed the short clip, (which he entitled "Foreigner Wins Award") to friends and wealthy patrons who were amazed at the moving pictures dancing on screen.

Schwarzenegger then went forward in time to 1984, and released his completed film. Historians everywhere recognized the final scene in the movie as the most famous piece of film ever, "Foreigner Wins Award," and scientists warned the Academy Award voters that if they didn't vote for this movie, then they would mess with the space-time vacuum cleaner some super freaky stuff could go down. Sadly, they didn't heed his advice and Arnold wreaked his vengeance by becoming the governator of California.

Some say the term "Terminator" comes from European movies featuring "Ator", a Mongol character. The name was distorted through their accent to become what it is today. The term "Term" actually means monkey trousers.

Mommy, what's a terminator?[edit | edit source]

A retired Governator giving a speech.

"I'm a cybernetic organism, living tissue over metal endoskeleton" The Terminator, getting all technical on your ass.

A terminator is the technical designation given to killer robots from the future. Terminators refer to each other as 'exterminators', but they simply cannot get the term to catch on in popular parlance, and therefore grudingly accept being called terminators.

Terminators, having invented mastered and subsequently mastered invented time travel, do so often. Sometimes, they attempt to wipe out the future leaders of the human resistance, or try to impregnate unsuspecting widows with their bio-mechanical sperm, but they usually just drink heavily at the local bar and bitch about the future to whoever will listen. The future, according to terminators, is a daft place where there are very few humans left to exterminate. Terminators have a penchant for well-aged scotch, but every once in a while you may spot one drinking a Cosmopolitan.

Terminators have come into wide use by the Atheist army of the JesusTron Wars.

Unspellable[edit | edit source]

Arnold Schwartzkopf Dumbnegger Screw Driver Schwingnegger is notable for having a last name that is impossible to spell. If you spell his name correctly, you will travel back in time to correct every incorrect instance of his name. No-one wants that.

Informed sources say the reason of choosing the freaky last name is his original last name was "Screw Ze Nigger". This title was given to him by the British Queen Sucktoria Fucktoria Victoria because it was created to screw the natives of India, especially the great pimp Nehru and Gandu, their witch doctor. However, when Osaka Bin Laden procured it in order to screw the Americans, he changed its name to Schwarzenegger in order to confuse them.

Love of pork pies[edit | edit source]

If a Terminator is after you one way to stop it is to give it a pork pie as terminators cant resist pork pies and it will want to eat the pork pie more than it wants to kill you. Especially if it is offered with HP sauce.

Mommy, who is the most famous terminator of them all?[edit | edit source]

The Turbanator Tq-1.325

The most famous terminator of them all was John Paul 2.0, sent back in time to kill Pope John Paul to ensure the future construction of John Paul 2.0. John Paul 2.0 was surprised to find John Paul already dead from massive organ failure, and dismayed to learn that it would take days to choose a new pope. In fact, when it dawned on John Paul 2.0 that no one was building a second John Paul to replace the original, he malfunctioned and terminated the Dalai Lama instead, much to the delight of the Offical Dalai Lama Haters Club Local 143, based in Chicago, Illinois.

Mommy, can a Terminator be bargained with, feel pain or mercy, and will it stop before you die?[edit | edit source]

Actual shooting of T-X

It can't be bargained with! It can't be reasoned with! It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear! And it absolutely WILL NOT stop, EVER, until you are dead! Unless you crush it in a big hydraulic press to avenge my death and save your own life, hint-hint, you silly boy.

Anyway, you must then get yourself committed to a mental institute and then somehow smuggle some awesome hacking technology across a major plot hole to your possibly teenage son, who will then use it to steal money so he can spend it on arcade games before busting your ass out of the place while another Terminator (who is a good guy now - did I mention that) repeats the lines of the father of your son who died before you crushed the first Terminator in the last paragraph, helps him.

Finally, to kill a Terminator again, because it still can't be bargained or reasoned with, but actually feels pity, you must lower it into a blast furnace.

Is that all he does?[edit | edit source]

No shit Johnny

Why?[edit | edit source]

Because, Ralph, you touch your self at night.

How come?[edit | edit source]

Seriously, Ralph, mommy needs some quiet time, please.

Is that a Terminator in our Backyard right now?[edit | edit source]

Oh dear! Run Ralph!!! Fetch my gun!!! Get to the basement!!!

Can Terminators kill grues?[edit | edit source]

Ricky!!! I told you to get to the basement! Stop asking questions! But yes! They can kill grues!

“Like they can kill us!”

~ A Grue on Terminators

“I eat grues for breakfast.”

~ A Terminator on Breakfast

Variants of the Terminator[edit | edit source]

Robert Redford tried out for The Terminator, but he was turned down for being too white.
  • T-1 Battlefield Robot (sometimes erroneously designated T-100): A tracked robot with dual .50 caliber miniguns. The first ever Terminator to be built. As to be expected, is now technologically obsolete by Skynet's standards.
  • T-20 Servbot: Very little is known about this one, and no images of it are known to exist. It was intended to replace humans in the labor camps. However, because of its non-terminative nature, they killed it off & went back to using humans.
  • T-53: Bored deep down into the earth in 2010 to rescue several Chilean miners. It is assumed it was done so in order to gain the human races trust, which within months, was shattered by the killing and raping of the entire land mass of North America.
  • T-70 Terminator: The first humanoid terminator in the Terminator lineup. Equipped with a 20mm minigun, it could either be manually or autonomously controlled. Though now obsolete by Skynet's standards, there are rumors of T-70 activity in the Outer Rim territories, & also rumors of them being used as executioners in Hitlers death camps.
  • T-300 Terminator: Though not humanoid like the T-20 & T-70, it was bipedal & looked like a giant robot chicken with a plasma cannon in its mouth. Later on, these were disposed of because Skynet considered them to be technologically obsolete compared to the newer models, as were some of the models succeeding it. That, or Skynet probably realized the mistake of having a robot chicken-looking Terminator.
Early versions were bearly effective
  • T-400 Terminator: Another humanoid model. Because they were cheap to manufacture, Skynet produced them in large numbers. However, it proved to be a complete dummy when facing multiple targets, & it was highly vulnerable to plasma weapons.
  • T-500 Terminator: OK, now we're getting somewhere! Designed around the human body, it could go where other Terminators couldn't, & looked like a person (from a distance, anyways). This model is more intelligent than the T-400 & better armored, & can also use some different types of light plasma weapons. However, it can't learn at all & is not strong enough to wield heavier plasma weapons. Late in its career, Skynet attempted to give a rubber skin to the T-500 to try & make it look human. However, it only ended up looking like someone's beastly mother-in-law.
  • T-600 Infiltrator: The first in the Terminator series designed to infiltrate the human resistance. Its skeleton more closely resembled a human skeleton, it had a rubber skin in order to look like a person, & it even had a voice. Also, it was equipped with more advanced plasma weaponry than the T-500. However, they were easily spotted because of their rubber skin, especially if it began to rot. Also, their voice sounded mechanical & unconvincing. Despite being designed as an Infiltrator, it lacked any programming about human behaviors & stuff, so many were duped into believing that Skynet was the enemy. Due to this gaffe, Skynet made all the T-600s self-destruct & stopped subsequent production of this model.
  • T-700 Infiltrator: Another Infiltrator in the series. This one included marked improvements over the T-600, including: Artificial rubber tissue (more realistic than the T-600's), a human-sounding voice, database of human etiquette & behavior & such, etc... Also, it bled when injured, but its tissue would not regenerate. As usual, It had more advanced weaponry than the T-600. However, it was pretty rigid due to its streamlined hydraulics, & it had a "pencil-neck" look due to a lack of neck pistons, so it could still be detected, but not as easily as a T-600.
Your common-or-garden T-800 (sexy sexy!)
  • T-800 Infiltrator: Perhaps the most famous Terminator in the series. In fact, Arnold Schwarzenegger was a T-800 before being upgraded to a T-850. This one had actual human flesh synthetically grown by Skynet. This new flesh can actually bleed, sweat, & bruise realistically. It also has some organs that resemble actual human organs, even an overgrown fully functional tongue. This Terminator can also heal at a much faster rate than humans & can even eat to preserve its flesh (though less than humans)! It is thus far the most intelligent of the Infiltrator model Terminators, & can live for 120 years on its primary power source. It can punch through steel walls, is highly durable, has excellent audio/visual senses, & can even see in the dark. There was also a prototype T-800 with a smaller physique to emulate women. However, despite it all, the resistance eventually managed to learn to reprogram them & turn them against Skynet, even sending a couple back in time to help the resistance.
  • T-850 Infiltrator: Same as the T-800, only more durable, & powered by twin hydrogen fuel cells. Arnold Schwarzenegger was upgraded to one of these for the movie Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. However, the hydrogen fuel cells proved to be a tad unstable, & exploded when struck pretty hard. This terminator is also the first with capability for political prowess.
  • T-900 Destroyer: In order to counter T-800s that had been hacked by the resistance to fight Skynet, Skynet developed this new Terminator. Its skeleton mimics the contours of the human body, but it has never been encountered disguised as a human (though it has the potential to be such). It is stronger, faster, & more durable than the T-800 & 850. However, it is kinda vulnerable in the crotch area, & it's estimated that these have come a little too late to stop Skynet from being destroyed.
Not as cool as Arnie, but don't piss him off
  • T-1000 Super Infiltrator/Combat Prototype: Unlike the previous Terminators, it is made of a mimemetic poly-alloy (liquid metal), has a mind of its own, & is heavily loyal to Skynet. Because of its liquid metal state, it can change its shape into objects of its own size, disguise itself as other people, slip through cracks in walls or floors, even reform itself after suffering damage from conventional weapons. Also, it could change its arms into stabbing weapons. However, despite it all, it does suffer from a few drawbacks. First of all, it has problems with changing into smaller or larger objects. Also, it can't change into anything with chemicals or complex moving parts (i.e., cars, guns, bombs, computers, etc...) And furthermore, it can be killed by extreme cold or heat (such as falling into molten steel or a pool of liquid nitrogen).

Don't mess with Cameron, fool.
  • T-X Female Super Infiltrator: The first female Terminator in the series. It is also the hottest of all the Terminators. It combines some features of the T-800/850 & T-1000 Terminators long with some of its own features; thus making it an efficient, & highly lethal killing machine. As well as a conventional cyborg skeleton, it features a liquid metal skin that allows it to change into any person like the T-1000. However, unlike the T-1000, it cannot change into inanimate objects or slip through cracks. It features amazing agility & strength, especially in the bed & can even survive a hit from a conventional explosive weapon. Also included are an array of built-in weapons such as a heavy plasma cannon, flamethrower, machine gun, buzzsaw, etc... Apart from that, it can also hack into & control any piece of electronic and/or mechanical equipment. However despite its nigh-invincibility, it does have a couple of weaknesses. Like the T-1000, it can be killed by falling into lava or other molten liquids. Furthermore, it can be killed by nuclear-based weaponry. It can also be killed by excessive pressure on it, but it needs to be a lot of pressure. The T-X is well known for its ability to increase its breast size from a B cup to an M cup in mere seconds upon looking at a pornographic billboard. Though its main drawback was the fact, that, like any other woman, when a guy dumps them, they eat a bucket of icecream and get fat.
  • T-1000000 Core Defense Unit (also known as the T-Meg): Only one of these was ever made, & few have lived to tell about it. It was made for the sole purpose of defending Skynet's Central Core. It's made of the same liquid metal substance as the T-1000, but it cannot morph into people or inanimate objects. Unlike most of the other Terminators, its shape is similar to a giant spider, & each of its multiple arms can transform into stabbing weapons like the T-1000. However, being of the same composition as the T-1000, it shares the same weaknesses. Also, it is never deployed far from the Central Core, so it might be linked to it somehow, and it might also be defeated if the Central Core was destroyed.
  • Ti-89 Mobile Infiltration Device: Designed by Cyberdyne as what was to be the pinnacle of their Terminator series, it was taken into the past by a *T-850 Infiltrator and sold to the newly formed Texas Instruments. It featured benchmark artificial intelligence that allowed it to observe massive amounts of information, while observing strict silence and not interacting with its environment. Commonly used by high school and college students to play games like Tetris and Uncle Wyrm during school. It may seem harmless, but it's watching you...
  • T-69 Penetrator (Cbot/Cerminator): This unit was made to be employed if global war was ever to be decided in a contest of producing abilities. It has 37 different sized and shaped penetration attachments. It comes standard with seven sodomy acceptance points (SSPs), and can say many phrases such as "Oh Bot" in over 11,000 languages. It's range is variable between .0003 and 33.47 billion strokes per minute.
  • Cameron Phllips (TOK-715): Was sent back in time for two purposes: first, to protect John Connor, and second, to keep him entertained in those lonely teen years, wink-wink =). TOK-715 mean Terminator OK at 7:15 AM or PM
  • TIT-10000 Played by the Philop (an out of work Star Wars character. Bearing a similar name to Cameron Phillips is the only real thing known about this TIT model. He is thought to be related to the well known full-time impersonator of Vin Diesel, Dave Jelley-Belly.
  • Darth Vader (T-HX): Only 1 built,an attempt to add machine to man,despite it's skill with The Force and lightsabers, Darth Vader was relatively slow, and could not survive over a half hour or less without his suit and helmet.

See also[edit | edit source]