Darth Vader
| Darth Vader | |
 | |
| Darth Vader's Segway Commercial | |
| First appearance | Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope |
| Last appearance | Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith |
| No. appearances | {{{count}}} |
| Created by | George Lucas |
| Portrayed by | James Earl Jones (badass voice) David Prowse (badass body double) Hayden Christensen (whiny-ass pre-roasted human form, badass saber skills) Jake Lloyd and other scrubs (whiny-ass kid form) |
| Profile | |
| Nickname(s) | Dark Elevator |
| Aliases | {{{alias}}} |
| Species | Human, later a cyborg hotdog in a mechanized can |
| Age | A lot |
| Gender | Male |
| Date of birth | The Future |
| Date of death | {{{death}}} |
| Starsign | {{{starsign}}} |
| Occupation | Deputy Dictator, hired boogieman |
| Family | {{{family}}} |
| Spouse(s) | {{{spouse}}} |
| Children | Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia |
| Relatives | {{{relatives}}} |
| Address | The Death Star |
| Religion | Fascism |
| Nationality | |
| Would Donald Trump castigate him/her? | No, because Darth Vader would kill them |
Darth Vader, once known as Anakin Skywalker, is a sort-of villain-sort-of hero in the Star Wars saga. He was once a noble Jedi Knight, but was seduced by the darth side of the Force and became a Sith Lord. The films attempt to portray him as a "sympathetic antagonist", but it's hard to root for him when he whines, screams at his master, slaughters children, slaughters Chinese aliens, and chokes his pregnant wife.
He was on Tatooine as a slave, first to Gardulla the Hutt and then Watto the Toydariam. Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn got him out of slavery in a bet which left his mother still enslaved. Jinn also neglected to inform anyone that Anakin Skywalker was a former slave, because he was just that good of a Jedi master.
In his Jedi years, Anakin whined a lot and bitched at his master Obi-Wan Kenobi. One day, he got really mad at Only-one and they got into a fight on a volcano planet. During the fight, he forgot the power of the high ground, and got the shit burned out of him as a result. His new master, the wrinkly Palpatine/Darth Sidious, rehabilitated him in a slick black suit, and the rest is history.
Vader is played in the original trilogy by some guy named David Prowse, with his voice provided by the sheer awesomeness of James Earl Jones. In the prequels, as Anakin, he was portrayed by the very-disappointing-by-comparison Jake Lloyd and Hayden Christensen, both of which brought different, but equally horrible interpretations to the table.
Biography[edit | edit source]
The Phantom Menace[edit | edit source]
Anakin came into existence when a Sith Lord named Darth Plagieus used the Force to create life so he could make an army to conquer everything, and the Force was so pissed off that it caused his mom Shmidt to give birth to Anakin a la Virgin Mary just to create some hero to kill the Sith. At an early age, he and Shmidt were enslaved by an obese flying mosquito named Watto. There, he was taught the art of fixing machines. He built a robot of his own: C-3PO ,human-cyborg relations. Anakin was a grease monkey, genius, and podracer who has never finished a race, let alone won one.
At the age of nine, Anakin was discovered by Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn. Qui-Gon senses that the Force is strong inside Anakin, and desires to abduct him into the Jedi Order. Fearing Anakin's slave master's retaliation, baku-Gon strikes a deal with Watto: Anakin's freedom and a new hyperdrive—for the fortune Anakin probably won't win in the Mos Espa Podrace. In the end, Anakin wins after baku-Gon most likely uses the Force to cheat Skywalkerer into victory over the deadly alien douchebag podracers he was up against. Unable to free Anakin's mother as well, Anakin says goodbye and takes off.
On Coruscant, Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon take a blood sample from Anakin and analyse it. They discover that, among other things, he may be the Chosen One, due to the high concentration of midi-chlorians swimming around in his blood. presents Anakin to the Jedi Council on Coruscant. However, the Council deems Anakin vulnerable to the Dark side of the force...and they're right. Qui-Gon rejects the Council's decision and promises to teach Anakin to become a Jedi himself.
Anakin goes with the others to Naboo and free the planet from the Trade Federation. During this time, he accidentally sneaks into a starfighter, flies it into space, blows up a Federation vessel that disables the battle droid army, saving the day. Unfortunately, Qui-Gon croaks, so Obi-Wan Kenobi promises him he's gonna bust ass and train Anakin.
Attack of the Clones[edit | edit source]
This has nothing whatsoever to do with gay men from the 197Os. Different sort of clones.
In Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (2002), set 10 years after The Phantom Menace, Anakin has become an inexperienced Padawan and compulsive whiner. His relationship with Obi-Wan Kenobi is strained; the Chosen One has grown powerful but arrogant and believes that Obi-Wan Kenobi is trying to hold him back. In reality, Anakin is in need of a good slap, or at least some acting lessons and a better screenwriter.
While his master goes on a wild goose chase, Ani is tasked with escorting and protecting Padmé, now an older yet even hotter Senator than she was in The Phantom Menace, after an attempt is made on her life. Anakin, who has fallen in love with Padmé, relishes the opportunity to spend time and perv on her, although Padmé resists her feelings toward him. Still, not even Yoda knows how she managed to resist this gem:
| “ | I don't like sand. It's coarse...and rough...and Irritating... it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft and smooth... | ” |
Anakin soon grows troubled with odd dreams about Padmé, as well as recurring nightmares about his mother Shmidt being in grave danger. Using the smooth skills that he demonstrated with the sand pickup line, Anakin convinces Padmé accompany him to Tatooine to save his mother. After finding Shmdit miraculously alive in a Tusken Raider camp, she decides that she can no longer hold on to her life and dies in his arms. Anakin then goes Vietnam on those bastards, and slaughters the entire camp. And not just the men, but the women, and the children too. His excuse was that they "were like animals", quite literally the same excuse LBJ used to invade Vietnam.
After much nagging by Padme, she and Anakin arrive on Geonosis to rescue Obi-Wan Kenobi, who has gotten himself into a pickle. They are quickly captured due to not actually bothering to come up with a rescue plan; Obi-Wan Kenobi sarcastically thanks them for an excellent rescue. The three are pitted against savage beasts; preparing for what could be their final moments, Padmé decides that if she survives this, she wants to get laid, and will even sink so low as to do it with Anakin. He jumps for joy, breaking his chains in a stroke of luck. They manage to hold their own until Jedi and clone reinforcements arrive.
Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin confront Dooku and they engage in a lightsaber duel. Anakin once again proves he is in need of child disciplining when he ignores Obi-Wan Kenobi's orders to take Dooku together, and he is attacked with the easily blockable Force lightning move. Only-One is forced to take Dooku on his own, and he outmanoeuvres Obi-Wan Kenobi, wounding him on both his left arm and leg. Dooku is about to deliver a killing blow when Anakin, waiting for a dramatic point to return to the fight, recovers from the lightning and blocks Dooku's attack. Obi-Wan Kenobi gives Anakin his lightsaber to help him in the duel, which is almost immediately broken. Dooku and Anakin fight a short duel, and Dooku cuts off Anakin's right arm. Finally, Yoda arrives and saves the day.
At the end of the movie, Anakin, with a new cybernetic arm, secretly marries Padmé on Naboo. She enjoys the arm very much on her wedding night.
Da Clone Wars[edit | edit source]
According to some history revisionist, Anakin suddenly becomes a normal, functioning human being within the course of the next three years and is sent off to war with Obi, even training up a new apprentice named Ahsoka so she can be a child soldier. Mani, Obi, and Ahsoka go on many fun adventures, fighting against General Coughing Robot, some bald lightsaber lady who keeps trying to hit on Only-One, and Count Dooku, all while committing countless war crimes against battle droids, but no one cares because droid lives apparently don't matter. Then Ahsoka quits after being scapegoated by Mace Window and Anakin goes back to being a mopey, depressed whiner, just with more experience. Unfortunately, this may have happened in an alternate universe from what we got in the films, so it never happened until some Disney Magic bopped God in the head and made him retcon these events into canon.
Revenge of the Sith[edit | edit source]
Okay, so this needs to be distinguished from the Dark Lord of the Seths, as a consequence of the Revenge of the Seths, a bloody interneccine conflict fought between numerous guys with the name Seth, such as Seth Green, Seth MacFarlane, Seth Rogen ad nauseum. Mind you, the eventual winner will be declared the Dark Lord of the Seths. Although the good money is on Seths Green or MacFarlane.
In Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (2005), set three years after Attack of the Clones, Anakin is now a full-fledged Jedi Knight, and has become less of an irritant than he was in Attack of the Clones. Possibly sometime in between Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, Obi-Wan Kenobi gave him that long overdue slap. He remains his partner, and the two have become war heroes and best friends.
The two are sent on a mission to rescue Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, who has been kidnapped very easily (George Lucas would recommend you pick up on this subtle red herring) by Count Dooku and Separatist leader/portable dialysis machine, General Grievous. When they find the captive Palpatine, Count Dooku challenges them both to a duel. Obi-Wan Kenobi is immediately knocked unconscious by Dooku, but Anakin defeats the Sith Lord by slicing off both his hands, and then his head. Obi-Wan Kenobi could not be awakened, so Anakin carries him out, against Palpatine's wishes.
- Palpatine: Leave him, or we'll never make it.
- Anakin: He's not heavy, he's my master...
- [Anakin smirks slightly. Palpatine shakes his head in disbelief at what he has just heard.]
- Anakin: Maybe I shouldn't let Obi-Wan Kenobi teach me any more jokes...
After returning to Coruscant, Obi-Wan Kenobi is ordered to Utapau to confront General Grievous. Meanwhile, Anakin returns to his whiny roots, and is angry at the Jedi Council for not granting him the rank of Master, even though they gave him a seat on it; he is also troubled by dreams of Padmé dying in childbirth. Palpatine reveals himself as Darth Sidious to Anakin (big surprise there), and tells him that if they work together, they can save Padme; Anakin rejects his offer. Anakin informs Mace Windu of his discovery, and Mace decides that Palpatine needs to be stopped, but not until after lunch break.
Overnight, Windu goes with three other Unknown Jedi Council Members to apprehend Sidious. In Padme's apartment, Anakin begins weeping and becomes (seemingly randomly) convinced that only with the power of the Dark Side could he save her life. He darts back to Palpatine's office, where Mace has him at a standstill. Rather than simply grabbing Mace's dick, Anakin chops it off to stop him from killing Sidious, who then electrifies Windu and throws him out of a window whilst shouting "UNLIMITED POWER!!!" Through persuasive, polysyllabic, strangely sexually suggestive dialogue—unheard of in any other Star Wars film—Sidious knights Anakin as his Sith apprentice, Darth Vader.
In the Jedi Temple, Anakin leads an ethnic cleansing of every single Jedi, even the younglings. Obi-Wan Kenobi learns of this, and goes to give his former Padawan a slap on the arse. Arriving on Mustafar Padmé confronts Anakin and realizes with horror that Obi-Wan Kenobi had been telling the truth—condoms really are easily available. When Obi-Wan Kenobi emerges from Padmé's ship, an enraged Anakin immediately suspects that Padmé has betrayed him and uses the dark side to choke her. Yes, he choked a pregnant woman. What a dick. The two Jedi activate their lightsabers and fight a ferocious lightsaber duel, where Anakin could've killed Obi-Wan Kenobi within the first ten seconds due to him spinning around like a ballerina.
- Anakin: You underestimate my power!
- [Anakin, jumps down from the cliff in an attack. Obi-Wan Kenobi slices Anakin's legs and left arm off before he has touched the ground]
Anakin slides down the volcanic ash, coming too close to the lava, ignites, and practically burns to death, becoming more well-done than a Trump Steak. Obi-Wan Kenobi turns around to laugh before leaving. He somehow lingers on long enough to be rescued by Sidious, who rebuilds him as a black armor-clad cyborg, completing his transformation into Darth Vader. This epic sci-fi moment, much-anticipated by fans, is sadly ruined by George Lucas, as Vader is told his wife is dead, to which he throws his arms in the air and shouts:
Meanwhile, Padme's twins, Luke and Leia, are taken away and hidden from their father. Vader goes off with Sidious to oversee contraction of the Death Star, which somehow took 19 years to make while the Death Star II only took 4.
Early days as a "badass"[edit | edit source]
Now in a deep state of denial of everything and everyone, and deeply missing Padmé, Darth Vader embraces his new role as vice CEO of the Empire and force chokes everything and everyone, just 'cause. He also kills a bunch of Jedi on the run.
Vader then trains up Starkiller, a badass kid to be his new badass apprentice- oh wait, we're not following that timeline because Emperor Palpy, I mean, Disney, said so. Bummer. He then trains up a bunch of wannabe badasses to be Sith Inquisitors. Too bad they were a bunch of entitled, dumbass interns only good for grabbing Vader's coffee, twirling around their helicopter fidget-spinner lightsaber thingys and not actually learning swordsmanship, and utterly failing to catch Ezra Bridger and his punkass friends. Vader then pulled a Thanos, said "fine, I'll do it myself", and pulls out the Youngling Slayer 9001 to slaughter... er... dismiss.. ah, same thing.. his useless Inquisitors. But Reeva somehow survives getting kabobbed a second time and runs off. And.. he also fails to catch Ezra and his punkass friends. And fails to singe a single hair on Only-One when he surprises him with a flamethrower. And then gets his ass kicked by Only-One again. And fails to safeguard the Death Star plans despite slaying all the rebel soldiers like a badass.
Disney really screwed the pooch on making Vader look like a badass, didn't they?
Truly embracing the "Badass Side of the Force"[edit | edit source]
During a particularly grueling and humiliating assignment from the Emperor, Vader, deep in his quarter-life crisis, took a beating while dealing with a planet full of Hulks and giant Snu-Snu women with the Death Star allegedly still under construction and his only support coming from Stormtroopers unable to hit shots farther than 2 nanometers away. This forced him to be stuck in rehab maintenance for over a year to heal up repair the damage done to his mostly robotic body.[1] In fact, Palpatine only assigned Vader to that mission "for the lols" before realizing he had taken it too far.
Finally allowed time to process his crappy life to that point and unable to take out his anger on poor Imperial interns, rebels, or droids while "rehabbing", Vader enrolled in some public speaking courses, including electives for badass villain one-liners and dad-jokes. He also took an anger management seminar, learning how to redirect his anger.
As a result, Darth Vader finally figured out his public persona, becoming the most badass, menacing, and mysterious honorary black badass in the Galaxy. By learning to speak less and more poetically, he finally stopped acting like Anakin the incel and like the Darth Vader we saw in the original trilogy.
Personality and traits[edit | edit source]
As Anakin, Vader was basically your typical whiny liberal teen. However, as Vader, he matured and became a hard-line, Force-fearing, pro-life, red-blooded, red-lightsaber-wielding Republican.
No one is sure how Vader transitioned from being an emo teen who whined and threw tantrums over everything, to a total badass who was calm in the face of being shocked by thousands of volts of electricity. However, some have suggested it to be electro-shock therapy.
Vader's hobbies include interrogation, sucking up to the Emperor, choking people with the Force, sensing disturbances in the Force, choking people with the Force, ordering attacks on Rebel scum and people he doesn't like, and choking people with the Force.
The suit was very stylish for his time, but soon became hideously unpopular with the ladies. Vilified by the opposite sex, and cursed by a voice unsuited to delivering cheesy pick-up lines, he started his campaign of kidnapping princess of distant galaxies.
Darth Vader made his living for some time after his political stint as a starving internet artist who drew naked pictures of Jawas, and many examples of his work can be seen today. He believed that his paintings were rejected because the artistic establishment in Munich at the time was run by Jewdis. He justified his Final Solution, the Death Camp Star, with the statement 'From my point of view the Jewdi are evil!'
Return[edit | edit source]
Although most believe Lord Vader dead, he is rumored to have resurfaced in the guise of Pope Benedict XVI. Also, Jar Jar Binks & his malformed, semi-robotic lovechild with the Brave Little Toaster, General Grievous, are supposedly working on a way to resurrect him and rule the universe. In the meantime a teaser trailer, featuring music by Mac Hartney (a.k.a. last-generation Sith Darth Paul) has been posted on Vader's eternally dormant internet blog. The resurrection of Darth Vader is believed to be as popular a pastime as trainspotting, and has an equally significant role in the real world.
His return shall portent the mighty and righteous tyranny of the true virility over the smaller citizenhood in order to restore the natural way of the natural things. That means, women should be either in the kitchen or producing babies.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Star Wars
- Emperor Palpatine
- Star Wars Marital Aids
- Bea Arthur
- Sith
- Darth Revan, a much more badass Sith Lord with better taste in masks and better luck with women.
| The Conclave of Doom: Benedict XVI - Fred Phelps - Ed Gein - Enron - Evil Jesus - The United States of Arabia - Iran - |
Space Committee: Darth Vader - Gul Dukat - L. Ron Hubbard - Emperor Palpatine - Killer Robot Janitor |
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