Count Dooku

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“He is very handsome”

~ Saruman on Count Dooku

Count Dooku, is a hybrid of Dracula and Sudoku. He has a lightsaber shaped like a gun to scare everybody to death. When read in French, Count Dooku's name sounds exactly like "doux cul" which translates as: "silky ass". He very much enjoys Rob Thomas (not the singer). It works, trust me. He was a member of the Decepticon Party, as well as an infamous retard who thought he could ghost-ride bikes. Have you seen the movie? He is also an evil dentist, (All dentists are!) and father of Willy Wonka.

Early Life[edit | edit source]

Count Dooku as seen in Shrek 2. Note the cute cat like facial expression.

The byproduct of a steamy affair between the evil Transylvanian vampire Count Dracula and the popular logic puzzle Sudoku, Rudolpho Dooku ran off to America with his long time girlfriend, Bride of Frankenstein. When his lover was tragically murdered by a drunken peasant mob, Dooku joined NAMBLA, but was ejected due to his love for the city of Dallas. A new civil rights organization, SITH (Structural Integration for Terrific Homos) attracted Dooku and he quickly ascended the ranks. When SITH made the leap to organized crime in the turbulent 60's, Dooku changed his first name to "Count" to project a more imposing image, and appeal to black gangs controlling the drug rackets. When this backfired, the Count lost favor with the Homo leadership.

After an attempted assassination by rival Colombian drug lord Floppy the Banjo Clown, Dooku was forced to join forces with a street thug named Rambomax Chocula. Chocula promptly added a "count" to his name as well. In a stroke of good fortune, the two invented the lightsaber by microwaving a magical fork in a microwave. A vicious patent battle left Count Chocula empty-handed, and he took over the breakfast cereal industry by murdering his rivals.

Dooku took to the high seas, came back missing a hand, stole the Magic School Bus and the Reading Rainbow, and parked them in front of his sex-slave compound to lure illiterate children. Recruiting from the ranks of Charles Manson's cult, Dooku successfully founded a surreal world filled with imaginary history, bad costumes, and a small green pedophile monster. This was exposed by George Lucas' landmark documentary - "Star Wars: A Sick and Twisted Parody of Human History" (the subtitle was later dropped by Lucas' advertising agent).

On the run from the jilted marionette Frank Oz, Dooku changed his name to "Mr. Rogers" and went on the public television circuit. He spent several years trying to rejoin NAMBLA by making kids want to "live in his neighborhood" but none seemed to come, even after he finally shelled out the money for a prosthetic hand. He then staged his own death at the hands of Optimus Prime, collected the life insurance money, and paid off Prime to keep his whore mouth shut. Just as Dooku had planned, an army of clones and separatists rallied around their "martyr" and started the War of the Clones.

Count dooku is also a sexually misguided being, of the most deranged kind.

The Count is also known for having an unusually deep voice, and can do crazy back-flips even though he's older than dirt.

The War of the Clones[edit | edit source]

After -20 years, Dooku returned to the Sith, joining Emperor Palpatinein a live-in relationship. Dooku later lived on Geonosis for a year when he found a quiet Jedi, who enjoyed oil painting and and other arts and crafts, his name was Obi-Wan Kenobi. The two met on, and began a serious relationship, in which they adopted a child named ronald, who later on in his life became the face of McDonalds. Late one night, Obi-wan came home from a night on the town with his 'boy' friends, pissed out of his mind and with gungan lipstick on his neck. Furious, Dooku lured Kenobi in with flashing lights, and strapped him onto a table and molested him while asking questions. Kenobi refused to answer and got ass raped. He then sent Kenobi to play in the film 300 where he was sent to kill animals (not like Michael Vick) Obi Wan went on to pursue stamp collecting, freelance photography, and your mom. To the hills she says i just can't win for screwin. She lays back down and then OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love her so much I just love her I see her tears on the floor like diamonds i break them smash them she cries some more I keep on breaking them OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SCREWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Final Duel[edit | edit source]

Count Dooku escaping a horde of fangirls.

After his engagement to Obi-Wan Kenobi, Dooku ended it and began a Civil War with the Communist Russians. As leader of the Decepticon Party the vampire Dooku challenged Grievous to a chess match. It was an intense match as both guys had one king and one queen, but General Grievous won, as Anakin Skywalker killed Dooku with his lightsaber. After the duel, General Grievous celebrated by having a Skittle party, where Allah Ackbar choked on a biscuit and died.

Dooku's vampiric corpse is currently one of the main attractions in the infamous Rosie O'Donnell sex dungeon.

Future[edit | edit source]

The Spirit of Count Dooku currently resides in Joe the Plumber's lost cave. This cave is home to such others as Jar Jar Binks, Buddha, Seto Kaiba, Bob the Builder, the Ghost of Christmas past, Steven Q. Urkel, and most importantly, Jesus's brother Emoises of California.

Any vistors are welcome, but be warned, Urkel is there...with Just don't work.

Hobbies[edit | edit source]

Count Dooku as his Sith alter ego, Darth Tyranus. You wouldn't want to mess with THAT, would you?
  • Riding bikes
  • Ghost-riding bikes
  • Crashing bikes
  • Making poor decisions
  • Playing Sudoku
  • Playing Chess
  • Shooting Sith Lightning
  • Making facial expressions
  • Polygomy
  • Heroin use
  • Likes eating cheeseburgers
  • Cutting Jedi Master/Apprentice arms to season his force-pepperoni pizza
  • Using his bikes as sex toys
  • Using bike as vibrator
  • Using his lightsaber as a bent dildo
  • Going to night clubs on Tatooine

See Also[edit | edit source]