User:Mr-ex777/Michael Vick

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“Dat Fizzle is Dizzle...Fo'Rizzle?”

~ Snoop Dogg on Michael Vick
Michael Vick is the worldwide President of PETA, the ASPCA, and a leading fundraiser for the Humane Society. He moonlights his time as an American football player and passionate animal rights activist, has often paid generous sums of money to construct a nurturing halfway-house for homeless dogs and other aggressive, possibly monetizable animals.

Michael (The Dick) Vick is a piece of fecal excrement and also the president of the Atlanta Retard Success Society and the Chicago duck-fucking club. Everything he does is sickening and depraved. He is without a conscience and for that matter, a brain. He can throw an inflated piece of leather in the air, and run the ball like a champ too, an ability prized by fellow sports enthusiasts, whose abilities generally are restricted to drinking beer and watching the [[TV|plasma]. Due to these amazing and God-given talents of playing with balls around men in tight pants while jumping on each other, he has become a household name. In 2009, he was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles to a be the backup quarterback. However, this was a cover story, since the Eagles originally signed him so that they could eventually feed him to Andy Reid, the head coach who appears to Jabba the Hutt's long-lost brother. He loves long walks on the beach, and dog fighting.

NFL Career[edit | edit source]

Vick after a fan made a comment insulting his prized Greyhound which he had killed before the game

Despite his best efforts, Arthur Blank, leading douche-bag of the Atlanta Falcons, was unable to secure the top draft slot to acquire Vick, so a pact was formed with Lil' Jon, an Atlanta native, to steal the top pick from the San Diego Chargers (who would have wasted it on LaDainian Tomlinson or some other scrub). Upon being selected number one overall, Vick juked past the commissioner and ran straight to the local weed spot for an ounce.

With Vick on the team Arthur Blank ran a new football strategy, playing with the fewest players possible, and only running one play. Vick was the only player signed, and could not be stopped due to the fear of other teams that their players would be killed like Vick's dogs. Most owners in the league did not want their players mutilated, so they allowed Vick to win all of the awards and the Super Bowl.

In his first year Vick rushed for over 100,000,000 yards breaking the QB rushing record previously held by Jarrett Lippert, the world's largest douchebag. He also accounted for 2,412 receiving yards, 2,412 passing yards and bowled 17 perfect games along with baking a mean applie pie.

Word around the NFL Sportswriters sewing circle is that the Falcons are close to a deal that would send Vick to the Patriots, who are pretty set at quarterback, and have said Vick will only be used to spy on the NY Jets.

It should also be accounted that Michael Vick is in the wrong position 99.9% of the time mainly, he is in the QB position when he should be in the running back position.File:churchsignu.jpg

Post NFL Career[edit | edit source]

I have heartworm, no not the dog--Leona

Despite his career as a quarterback, the judge sentenced him to be Trouble's(Leona Helmsley's dog) bare handed pooper-scooper for the dog's natural life.

The nail in the coffin to the career of Mr. Vick was the loss of a major lawsuit in civil court in the amount of $63,000,000,000 Billion Dollars to an inmate which he now serves time with. The settlement was paid in gold and silver bullion. On January of 2008, Vick was sued by Scooby Doo because of the death of Scrappy Doo, who died in a dogfight.

During Michael Vick's plea agreement, Mr. Vick agreed to perform oral sex on the director of PETA while wearing a dog collar. After his oral performance, Vick states that he was "tricked" when an elderly man showed up for his blowjob.

In December 2008, Michael Vick was being investigated for operating a training camp to train killer mice and rats to attack at his command while being behind bars. By January 2009, the investigation was completed and according to prison officials, there was no direct evidence relating Vick to the illegal Rodant traing camps. It was O.J. Simpson who was behind the scandal in prison and tried to get away with it by framing Vick. Simpson is now in solitary confinement with no outside contact, except from his lawyer and for his weekly fudge session by his fellow inmates and Kato Kalin

Ron Mexico[edit | edit source]

Ron Mexico coming back from the doctors, HIV-free

That was the alias that Michael Vick used when he went to the doctors to get tested for herpes. One night Vick had sex with Kim Kardashian and contracted herpes from her when she said she would get him off the hook for the whole dog fighting charges.

Apparently Paris being the dumbass that she was, increased Vick's initial 2 month sentence to 19 months after she had sex with the judge. Plus when Vick went to the doctors to get tested he not only had herpes but had every disease known to man just by sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Ron Mexico was Vick's allias while he was trying out for Season 6 of American Idol. he didn't make the cut after judges found out who he really was and booted him out. Vick's last words to Simon Cowell was this: "You're a fucking retard, Simon! Enjoy taking it from Randy Jackson!"

Merchandising[edit | edit source]

Wanting to cash in like any proper celebrity, Vick created his own line of merchandising under the Ron Mexico brand. Thanks to it's catchy phrase "I'd hit it", and "Who needs a condom?", the line became an instant success. The merchandise is made by real third world country children who are paid 3 cents a week for their work and often die.

The Michael Vick Experience[edit | edit source]

In 2004, Disney World approached Vick about creating a ride at its Orlando theme park based on his playing style. Riders are given a brief introduction while waiting in line that consists of two plays, either run left or run right. Riders are encouraged to hold onto the ball loosely to increase the chance of a fumble. Once on the ride, a furious onslaught of defenders start chasing the rider. After shattering your right leg, they move on up, pounding you relentlessly into the artificial turf. Just when you are about to black out, a photo is taken that you can buy on the way to the hospital. Also, your children are forced to watch the "experience" while dogs are slaughtered beside them.

Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club[edit | edit source]

Kittens undergoing training.

In 2001, Vick started an Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club. Before continuing, you must read the following rules.

  • 1st RULE: ' IF you lose over 40 Grand dog fighting isn't for you. Try Dog drowning/Hanging (plus it is fun)
  • 2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club.
  • 3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out the fight is over.
  • 4th RULE: Only two cats to a fight.
  • 5th RULE: One fight at a time.
  • 6th RULE: No fur, no claws.
  • 7th RULE: Fights will go on as long as they have to.
  • 8th RULE: If this is your first night at Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club, you HAVE to fight.
  • 9th RULE: If the cops show up, it is NOT VICK'S LEAGUE. Instead, blame the Jews/ Tar People!
  • 10th RULE: Do not shave your pussy.

Vick was described as 'A Really Big Pussy' in the Ultimate Kitten Fighting Club community for his large bets on cat fights. Vick was known to really get off on watching the cats claw at each other and rip each other's cloth... err fur off.

Vick playing a really fucking annoying LAPD officer in Rush Hour 2.

Upon being indicted by the man, it was learned by UnNews that Vick was huffing the winning cats in order to steal their mojo. Austin Powers has been brought in to investigate the matter. Also part of the kitten fighting club is Mr. Jinxe and famed producer Quentin Tarantino

If you wish to enter the kitten fighting league contact our highest regarded members such as George W. Bush, Michael Vick, Mr. T, and O.J. Simpson.

Acting[edit | edit source]

Being the fucking amazing person Vick is, he signed on to play the fucking annoying cop superhero, ConVickt, in Rush Hour. He co-stars in the movie with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il. In the movie the two stop an alien invasion by flying to the mother ship and uploading a powerful porn pop-up which brought down their shields. Rush Hour turned out to be a box office disaster everywhere, except America where hicks, morons, and teenagers turned out in the millions to see the movie.

A few days after the release of the movie, Michael Vick stated that would be reprising his role as ConVickt in the upcoming movie/video game, IRL.

Moments later, Michael Vick was arrested for attempting to upload porn pop-ups to the State of California under the alias, ConVickt.

Recently Vick is rumored to star in The Longest Yard remake remake. Vick confirmed these rumors but stated that the movie was in development hell because the writers were waiting to see if Barry Bond will join the cast. This movie is to produced during the sentence. The movie's plot is that retired jailed QB "Ron Mexico" fights with his fellow teammates on an inmate football team against the international Dog football teams. The fact that Vick can only run and throw a weak ball loads to his execution against the Pokemon Team. I dunno if the this remake will be similar to the Adam Sandler one because that one sucked.

Pokemon League Controversy[edit | edit source]

Charmillionaire in the "Vick League" finals

Due to his massive popularity with the NFL, Michael Vick wanted to score a touchdown by creating a competitive Pokemon league called the "Vick League", alongside with his "Arcanine and Houndoom Fighting".

In Summer 2007, Officer Jenny #187 arrested Michael Vick in the Vick League during the final match between 50 Cent's Charmillionaire and Ron Jeremy's Penisaur. The match was considered a draw due to interruption. Though it did follow the 8-badge guideline requirement, Michael Vick was considered possibly responsible for the following incidents:

  • Michael Vick's primary Pokemon, Houndoom, killing all the motherfuckers who pointed the finger at him. Guess payback's a bitch.
  • Chuck Norris's Hitmonnorris (the bastard son of Hitmonlee) committing one-shot murders on opponent's Pokemon with his roundhouse kicks. However, Chuck Norris did have sex with Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy at the same time afterwards to discharge that crime despite his decision to withdraw from the competition.
  • The death of Ash Ketchum's Dickachu during the semi-finals against 50 Cent's Charmillionaire. Charmillionaire critically shot Dickachu in the Penis during the match, leading to its death 1 hour later.
  • A streaker was killed by Al Gore's Pikachu, who bored him to death by talking about global warming.
  • Ron Jeremy's Penisaur almost taking Dawn's virginity during the quarterfinals. Brock was pissed when his SudoWOODo was in fact smaller than Penisaur's long whip...REALLY PISSED because he felt that his smaller SudoWOODo did not attract Jessica Alba, who sat next to him, and other females all over the Stadium.
  • Illegal sex between Paris Hilton and various Tentacools in front of the Stadium. Even Misty's Tentacool got some of that, despite Misty bitchslapping both of them and spraying Lysol all over her Pokemon. Even though poison Pokemon can't get sick, Misty's Tentacool caught STD's.
  • The death of Togepi due to a fractured skull. Britney Spears, the owner of Togepi, accused Michael Vick for unsafe walkways, claiming that she did not drop it.
  • The white powder on Lindsay Lohan's pocket used on Farfetch'd. She did say that it was from her Pokemon's onion stick, not from the lady that she chased the night before her Wild Card match. That lady ended up being Jesse from Team Rocket.
Vick had planned to use his endorsers' logos on a flag he recently had commissioned; however, since they all dropped him, he went with a different theme.
  • The Jigglypuff "singing in the freeway" incident, killing over 9000 drivers and passengers. However, the Jigglypuff owner was not Michael Vick's. It was Paris Hilton's as its tag name says "Jigglyfuck".
  • "Iron" Mike Tyson, the 8th Gym Leader of the Vick League before going to the Stadium, was allegedly accused of removing body parts of Pokemon, mainly the ears. Tyson's Garchomp and Steelix, though proven to be powerful in the league, is still under investigation. Only 32 people out of 1337 were able to defeat it.
  • Michael Jackson touching Pichus, Pachirisus, and Minuns because they remind him of little boys. Officer Jenny and Ash Ketchum were very disturbed, especially when Jacko wanted to battle Ash.
  • Nicole Richie's Snorlax, though asleep for the majority of it, gets it everyday. Three Guesses who.
  • Your Mom's Sentret ran away.
  • Barry Bonds's Machoke steroid incident. How the fuck can his (or her!?) finger poke of doom one-hit KO various Pokemon!? Also, how else can a Pokemon look like this?!File:BarryBonds.jpg
  • Hugh Hefner's Playboy Lopunnies spreading diseases to males. This is what happens when bestiality fetishes take over, especially Hefner showing a side we didn't even know about. Luckily, Michael Vick wasn't affected or else the Vick League wouldn't exist.
  • R. Kelly peeing on a bunch of Smootchums, alongside with Jynx.
  • The Ditto being used as evidence towards the OJ Simpson case. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit...even if it meant "one size fits all." Apparently, that same Ditto, if it is the right "Ditto" (o rly?), could be the one responsible for frauding Michael Vick entirely...but investigators do not want to touch something that might give various viruses to anyone who touches it, especially STD's. Who knows how many people Ditto fucked, especially when transforming itself as Ron Jeremy, Paris Hilton, and even Chuck Norris.
  • Bill Belichick received a sleeper hold from Machoke. This is now known as the Belichoke.
  • Herman Cain's Slowking quotes "I can use pants." He refused to take advice from Mewtwo for his presidential campaign.

It has been stated that he has been convicted. HOWEVER, because of the success the Vick League has become, Hollywood decides to have Oscar Wilde manage the League itself. Stay tuned for the Vick League II.

See Also[edit | edit source]

Touchdown! Takedown!