Jessica Alba

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Nuvola apps important.svg
Fattystats.JPG
This page is too sexy.

"Jessica Alba" is too sexy for its shirt, its party, cat, dog, or anything else for that matter.
It is recommended that you close your eyes while reading this article.


Jessica Alba
Jessica-alba-l.jpg
Date of birth: April 28, 1981 B.C.E
Birth location: Pomona, California, United States
Date of death: june 14, 2064
Bra size: Magic number.svg
Bouncywikilogo.gif
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Jessica Alba.

“What a fuckin' DNA milkshake!”

~ Charles Darwin on Jessica Alba

“There's only room for one super hot Jessica in this world!”

~ Jessica Simpson on Jessica Alba

“Yeah, and you're not in it.”

~ God on preferring Jessica Alba over John Mayer's Cow

Jessica Alba is the Anglo-Saxon goddess of sexiness and lust. Contrary to popular belief, Jessica Alba is NOT a Mexican transsexual actor, although she has appeared in several movies and television shows in Mexico. The heiress to the Alba electronics empire, she spurned a life of opulence (and debauchery) in favor of a life of acting (and slightly less debauchery). She has since become a poster girl and inflatable sex doll for sexually insecure jocks and pathetic anorak nerds all over America. It is widely accepted that those who masturbate to her photos release with such velocity, it is actually possible for their sperm to enter orbit. This, not Sputnik, was actually the first man-made object in space, and is responsible for most orbital debris today.

Her acting debut came at the tender age of 5, when she appeared in "E.T. 3: the Extra Testicle". Other movie roles followed quickly, including: "Escape from Boner City", "Death to the Olsen Twins", "Flipper versus Predator", and the seminal remake of "The Sound of Mucus". She also appeared in almost 30 crappy kids shows that aren't worth mentioning. Alba has stated that she will not go nude in any movie, effectively putting an end to her film career. She has a pathological urge to vomit at least once a day, picked up after walking within 5 feet of Paris Hilton last year. She believes, that Paris Hilton is her ugly, disgusting twin and she can not help herself but vomit and feel sick in her presence.

You know you want some.Knocked up arrow.gif

Many girls believe that the guys who obsess over Jessica Alba need to find a way to get over their lust for her. To find a way to make guys forget about Jessica Alba, girl's around the world are getting together and planning to kidnap Jessica, take her on an Island and tell the rest of the world that she has died. We still do not know for certain if that is going to work.

There are a rare species of mature and honest men that give no attention to Jessica Alba because they prefer being faithful to their girls.

Alba is regarded as the absolute sexiest Jew ever. Sources say she converted at 16 under the direct supervision and counsel of Jewbacca.

Her more recent movies and TV-shows include:

  • "Fantastic Foursome"
  • "Into the Poo"
  • "Skin City"
  • "Fantastic Whore"
  • "Fantastic Whore 2: Rise of the Silver Sexer"
  • "Freddie vs. Jason vs. The Board Of Education"
  • "I am not a beaner"
  • "She's a Good Fuck, Chuck!"
  • "The Eye That Saw Jessica Alba Naked"
  • "Awake During Sex"

She is best known for her widely recognizable ass which is named Sally. Often when Jessica Alba is sighted it is not her but her good friend Sally that is spotted first and taken as a clear sign that she must be nearby. She showed off her fine body on the game show Family Feud where she was forced to partake in sex with three men from the audience and Richard Dawson, the host. She currently enjoys a fantastic sex life with Simon Crisp of Newcastle-upon-Tyne.

Jessica shows photographers where they can stick it.

From WWTDD.com:


She is no longer allowed outside because too many men are creaming their pants and attempting to rape her. But, because of the experiences she's had with hem in the past, she's had the most sexual experience in the world. While indoors she engages in masturbation, drinking gallons of cum (which men happily and freely supply) and other schoolgirl activities which she never got to participate in because she was incredibly HOT. She has been dating Yoda and some other seniors aged over 90 in recent months. She said she picked them because, "They've been around and they know so much." Previous to this, she just had sex with whomever she saw who had the largest penis. She once had a relationship with Timbaland but it ended after 4 minutes with Alba citing "Justin Timbaland just has an insatiable thirst for playing the spoons". Timbaland denies ever having seen a spoon.

The Red Potato Publicity Page

In 2007 Jessica Alba was featured on The Red Potato Publicity Page, she is deeply moved and had apparently been a fan of the Red Potato for some time previous to the announcement. She was awarded for her bravery and valor in times of unrest.

The crew at the red potato publicity felt it was important people knew that Jessica Alba is "A GIGANTIC SLUT AND DESERVES TO BE TITTY FUCKED"

Marriage to Melky Cabrera

She stole his soul.

See also