Real Life

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“Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?”

~ The Queen of the united states of Great Britain on Real Life
Real Life
Developer(s) Heavenly Studios
Publisher(s) Heavenly Studios
Designer(s) God
Isaac Newton
Rupert Murdoch
Steve Jobs
Engine Newton's Physics 2.0
Latest version 2.0 after the great flood
Release date(s) ~ 15,000,000,000 BC (central standard time)
Genre Role-playing
Mode(s) Massively multiplayer
Rating(s) 0+ (ESRB)
Platform(s) The Universe
Media {{{media}}}
System requirements {{{requirements}}}
Input {{{input}}}
Monthly fee Dependent on the character's status
Active players >6,000,000,000 human class, All other classes undocumentable.

Real Life is an award-winning virtual reality video game (not related to Half-Life in any way) developed by God Inc. The game is played by an estimated 7 billion players in the world based on the popular MMORPG Away From Keyboard. Other than being a Virtual Reality Video Game Real Life is also a MMORPG meaning 'Massively Multi-Playa Online Role Playing Game', not to be confused with 'Real Monkey Life' which is a 'Monkeys Mayhem Orgy so Really Parental Guidance is advised'. Many people play this game which is actually free unless you decide to become a member. Still some have found it not fun and decided to permanently delete their characters from the game. This act is known in Real Life gaming circles as Suicide, but more on that later.

History[edit | edit source]

Real Life has the unique distinction of being the longest-running MMO in all history with the largest active membership, as well as the largest membership of all time.

While the identity of the original programmer of Real Life is unclear, there are several different groups that believe that a talented programming genius known as God developed Real Life. There are varying interpretations as to who God is, but each group comes to the consensus that the universe was most certainly not subcontracted out to a third party developer.

Signing Up and Life Bans[edit | edit source]

Registering to play Real Life is completely unlike that of other MMORPGs. Instead of buying the game from a store and filling up forms online thereafter, a potential player has to wait until any two existing players, each of the opposite gender, get together and process their application in the game. Potential players have to register their characters, which takes approximately 9 months to process because many wandering souls are keen to join the game, and the estimated wait for body queue time is 9 months. If you spend the required 9 months time you will probably receive a functional body, and though it may seem lucky to only wait 8 months and a few weeks in the long run your character will have some faults such as being a midget, or inflicted by congenital diseases caused by programming bugs in the Fetus game engine, such as cancer, or in the worst case be stillborn. It is to notice that in Real Life™ unlike other games, inventions such as condoms (Item number 0F99965789) and contraceptive pills (Item number 1F60652576) may lead to the failure of the creation of a new player's character. In such cases, we're sorry, but nobody wants you :( .

Which brings me to the next game play point, dying. If you lose all your health whilst playing Real Life you will be automatically booted from the game. Obviously you were doing something wrong in the game to lose all your health, and even though it is good to learn from mistakes once you die you don't come back to the game world. That is unless you are Asian, who believe that you will be reincarnated as some animal or something.

Death may occur in an infinite number of ways, aside from the possibility of disgruntled players deleting their own character. Game characters may be deleted or in less severe cases temporarily banned by the game moderators for repeated violations of in-game rules of civility such as scamming, hacking, trolling etc. The rules which players have to abide by differ from realm to realm in the game world in Real Life. A controversial but novel feature of Real Life is that it is possible for a player to assassinate another, forcing the latter to register again to start all over with a completely different character. Assassinations occur throughout Real Life and are mostly illegal in most game realms.

Races[edit | edit source]

The actual game itself has infinite possibilities for races. There are many races but they all fall into three main categories; Animal, Plant and Human (although some religious clans claim that there are more, such as ghosts which have to be unlocked). And then there are of course the sub-categories for these races. There are a giant amount of races, especially for the animals, so I will only list a few. For Humans you might be an American, Indian, Asian or an Australian. Or you could be a Maori, a Russian, a New Zealander who isn't Maori, a German and so much more! For the animal category there are sub-categories and then there are sub-sub-categories. The sub-categories include dogs, cats, fish, insects, bugs, apes, monkeys, bears and again, so much more! And in these sub-categories are (in the fish category) angelfish, catfish, shark, whale dead flounder or even octopus, and so much more! Finally, in the plant category there are again sub-sub categories. The sub-categories include Bush, Tree, and Other. In the sub-sub-categories for bush there is Shrub, Leafless and George W. and so much more! Did I mention so much more? Each race has numerous ups and downs.

Humans[edit | edit source]

Humans are the 3rd most intelligent race and they always have the option of raping all the other races, and sometimes even their own baby races. Their downside is they cannot breathe underwater, and are doomed to kill each other with guns and nuclear missiles, so they will never find true happiness. 99 out of 100 Human Race users agree that the human race is superior to being a rodent race. The 100th person, however, was an emo. Also, as the human race comes from an Animal subrace, the Lumbricus terrestris or simply Earthworm, it has the ability to fly. However, the results aren't amazing and the time a human stays in mid-air is directly proportional to the distance from the ground where the take-off took place.

Animals[edit | edit source]

Overall superior in strength, speed and instinct. They can kill without mercy, strike without warning and for a cat, meow without reason. However the downside to playing an animal is you will either be taken in as a pet for recreation, sexual pleasure, or just brutally murdered for meat.

Plants[edit | edit source]

Not too many real advantages other than the fact that some animals (and sometimes people) will urinate on you, and you may taste the urine of all kinds of races. Plants can obtain and store energy through photosynthesis, and therefore need not consume members of other races. Ha! The downside to being a plant is lack of movement, and it is up to you to decide whether being protected by hippies is good or bad.

Of course inside these races are the sub-categories with their own benefits and downsides such as Africans being less educated. Fish can breathe underwater, Birds can fly and rattlesnakes can go rattle.

Gameplay[edit | edit source]

The originality of Real Life has pulled many people and animals into the gaming scene, and the hardcore gamers find Real Life one of 'Their Greatest Gaming Challenges Yet'. But what is it about Real Life that so many users all enjoy? The realistic graphics? The beautiful soundtracks composed by hundreds of artists? Or is it the unique style of gameplay never before seen in a video game? Well, whatever the answer, Real Life is the most successful business venture of our time, and so let's delve deeper into the mysteries of Real Life.

The graphics in Real Life are more realistic than any game released before (and after) it. Nothing has come close since.

Combat[edit | edit source]

Combat occurs in full-real time, and the game offers a potentially infinite number of weapon choices. Fully linked combos for melee weapons. Unique, never before seen explosive ammunition. No matter what your taste, Real Life has a weapon to suit you! Downsides? The only time you are allowed to fight without mercy and use all your animalistic fury upon your opponents is during war, unless of course you are an animal in the wild and if so, kill away my merciless warrior of the jungle! And if you are a plant, chances are the only fighting you will be doing is when your roots intersect with another plants roots and a vicious tangle occurs. Some unique plant classes have the ability to participate in combat against some animal species, but most rely on passive defenses. Your choice of combat methods is only limited by your imagination (and the physics engine of course) and all of the blood and guts are so realistic, you'll want to get in combat more often!

Social Interaction[edit | edit source]

When playing Real Life you are connected to billions of other players and animals, and you can talk with another player at any time assuming you both have phones, speak the same language, they are answering their phone because you have not called them a million times asking if this was the pizza place, are of the same race, are both living/dead and not one living one dead, are not mute and that you can Irish tap-dance whilst in Mexico. Players can use a revolutionary feature, known as Talking. Instead of typing messages in chat boxes, players may instead vocalise their thoughts orally without the need for a microphone although while online your voice may seem more high-pitched than it really is. As with many other aspects of Real Life Social Interaction is completely optional and you can choose to be antisocial if you wish.

Classes/Jobs[edit | edit source]

Real Life adds even more customisation features with an infinite amount of jobs you could play as. You could be a cool assassin, a happy plumber, a not-so-lone wolf pack leader or as a plant rooter. You have some choice of your job but most of it is determined by skillset, luck and prior experience gain. Factors such as subclass, race, or gender may determine availability and likelihood of success. You can also scam your way into getting a job, or simply thieve from other Real Life players.

The player's level is not based on combat experience, as in most other games. In Real Life, your level advances the longer you play the game, even if you are not doing anything productive. As your level advances, your character grows somewhat larger and more impressive. However, your character can reach a point where additional levels actually begin to degrade your character. This is referred to by players as being over the hill.

Physics Engine[edit | edit source]

One of the most noted aspects of Real Life is its realistic, albeit somewhat bloated, physics engine. The real life physics engine is intended to be comprehensive. In the game, a 12-gram lump of pencil lead can contain up to polygons. The engine does not use "rag doll physics" with the possible exception of materials known, unremarkably, as "rag dolls". Critics of the real life physics engine frequently use that as an example of the redundancy of the engine noting that they could "get away with only a couple thousand polygons." Nevertheless, this interesting engine has fostered a hobby (known as "physics") among players: attempting to reverse-engineer and test the realisticness of the engine. The Real Life physics engine, however, is considered to the physics engine applied in N. The current attempt to reverse engineer physics is the LHC, which a group of users labelling themselves as CERN have created to analyze the Real Life physics engine. When activated, the LHC may cause the physics system to asplode, causing major damage to the planet and the players on it. There's no need to worry however, as God will restore the tape backup (let's hope he backs it up often) and patch the LHC vulnerability out of the game to prevent it from being exploited again.

Billing/Play Cost[edit | edit source]

Real Life introduces a unique billing system that is dependent on in-game play. Unlike most MMOs, that provide a flat cost per month game cost varies depending on which services are used, as well as what character is used. Most services are typically only available to the Human classes, but may also occur occasionally for animal classes as well. The cost of play is most easily divided based on class. Unlike most other MMOs, Real Life offers you many ways of making a profit from your gameplay. You can go the "easy" road and scam your way into millions, or you can work hard for your money, it's up to you!

Plants[edit | edit source]

Plants rarely, if ever, have to pay for usage of service, as their contribution to the game is required for the long-term sustainability of the game environment. This, of course, may change with future expansions, or depending on how developers continue to implement the current patch.

Animals[edit | edit source]

Animal dues are dependent on their alignment. Wild Animals do not have any monthly fee, but must reach either a kill or gather time quota or else their account expires. If previously ascended as a Subcontinental Asian, they are allowed another chance as a different animal race. Domestic Animals pay for their accounts by shadowing human players and obeying game rules. Occasionally, this involves high-stress questing.

Humans[edit | edit source]

Humans are arguably the most complex class to play, primarily because their skill tree is so entwined with their cost to play. Almost everything that a human does is related to having some cost. Humans may defer payment of these costs through the use of special cards, which become available to most people at level 18. These items come in multiple qualities, including Silver, Gold, and Platinum. However, players that ultimately fail to pay for services suffer in-game penalties, which put them at a higher chance for high-risk encounters, and may limit their skill pool and job pool, often resulting in account termination.

Of course, if players rolled with a large number of innate penalties, it may be impossible to advance in levels, much less gain any skills whatsoever.

Similar Games[edit | edit source]

The success of Real Life inspired the company Blizzard to create a similar game World Of Warcraft. Many people spend more time developing their character in this game as they claim it is more exciting and easier to play. It is rumoured that Blizzard has plans to takeover Real Life once they have discovered God, the alleged creator and owner of the game. This venture is very popular amongst MMO gaming fans as it promises many features that could not be found in Real Life such as potions than can cure any serious injuries with one sip. Doctors have said that this is an atrocious move as they will all be out of business unless they study the art of potion making, which is deemed utterly useless in the current version of Real Life. The Sims would be another good example, if it didn't run soo damn slow! Another competitor to Real Life is Second Life, a game developed by Lindon Labs. God (the creator of Real Life) is currently attempting to sue Lindon Labs for trademark infringement (some users may get confused between Real Life and Second Life) and copyright infringement.

Addiction[edit | edit source]

Real life is probably the most addicting game in the world, although no one knows why. The game is extremely outdated and lacks replay value, as well as fun factor in general. Many people are so addicted to real life it starts showing symptoms, such as losing intelligence (in extreme situations), and belief that other games cause increased aggression. Some refuse to play other games even when they are waiting for an event (frequent players call this "boredom"). Players have their own in-game slang, such as "hahaha" replacing the word lol and "cool" (as well as various other words, which have recently gained popularity) replacing the word leet. Addicts will often claim "I could beat you in real life.", or "You have no life!".

PvP Combat[edit | edit source]

An often frowned upon way to pass the time in the game is to engage in Player Vs Player activities. Players can engage in this by themselves, which is arguably very hard for those who did not build up their strength. Engaging in 1v1 PvP is usually very dangerous, losing a fight can result in account termination while winning can also result in the moderators handing out bans or even account deletions.

One way to get around this is to join clans. These clans are normally large teams representing a realm and constantly play Team Deathmatches in an attempt to thin out the enemy's numbers. As a result, this again is an easy way to suffer account termination at the hands of the enemy. Playing in clans opens many opportunities to the player, they can get a job, free revives if injured up to a certain point and access to guns not available in solo fights.

Critic's response[edit | edit source]

Most critics responded harshly to real life. Several sources claim that it is just "a massive grindfest". Critics argue that real life's tutorial is incredibly bad and takes up too much time, leaving many players with no idea how to play (usually even having a negative effect on the player's stats). Furthermore, there is little to no reward for the endless grinding, and players accounts are all terminated after several years of playing, which makes the whole game almost completely pointless. The game is too based around luck, most players who gain good statistics once joining can make large amounts of money (the in-game currency), while others must work hard for little reward. The player-run system works in a similar way, and is usually controlled by the worst players. Furthermore, some status effects were released with glitches causing them to be incredibly difficult to remove, and the developers have not yet begun working on patches.

Most place real life as the second-worst game in existence, it was beat out by Runescape for the title. Although real life has excellent graphics as well as sound effects (although the music is bad), they are no substitutes for gameplay. Gamespot is the only site that gave real life a good review, further diminishing it's credibility to far lower than zero.

Furthermore, many players and critics complained about the PvP system, complaining that the lack of respawns makes playing the game difficult at best, while engaging in PvP often results in a ban, permaban or even account termination. The balancing of weapons has also been called to question, whilst premium subscribers have access to high end weapons, players with little money have to settle with budget weapons.

Realer Life[edit | edit source]

At the E3 Expo in 11 AD, Heavenly Studios commented that they were planning on releasing a sequel to Real Life, "Realer Life", within the next millennium. Among the most prominent new features displayed were an increased average lifespan of twenty years for each class, two new primary colors, and several habitable planets for players to explore. However, arguably the most extraordinary improvement from Real Life to Realer Life was the upgraded, more realistic physics engine. The most important changes to it were:

  • Larger objects now fall faster than smaller objects.
  • Light now uses a "hitscan" method of determining where it goes, effectively increasing the speed of light to infinity.
  • Certain chemical reactions, such as those that trigger explosions, have been made more violent. This makes explosions more dangerous, but also increases the graphical quality greatly.
  • Optimized mass physics to allow for more objects to be moving at a time. This allows the map to be made greater than 13 billion light years in diameter.

Although the hype for Realer Life has only died down slightly over the past two thousand years, there has been no further sign of the progress of Realer Life or the approximate release date, as Heavenly Studios went silent shortly after 20 AD. They are presumably, in their infinite wisdom, working on it.