Roleplaying game
- "RPG" redirects here. For other uses, see Rocket-propelled grenade.
“You are not truly a man (or woman) until you are at level 42.”
“THAT type of role playing? Dammit, I'm in the wrong quote section!”
“EVIL!!!!!!”
“I call bullshit”
Welcome, noble adventurer, to the Lande of Role Playing Games, or the RPGs for short. Learning the Art of the RPG is a simple task for all but the most retarded of prospective adventurers, but beware of danger! Far from being peaceful Kingdoms of busty maidens and loveable comic relief sidekicks, RPG's are lands of terrible mages and foul breathed Dragons! But take heart! With nothing more than a mouse, a keyboard and one of the many RPG games available, you, an otherwise sad excuse for a human being, can become a powerful Mage-Knight in the services of the King's magnificent army!
Read on, for information and advice about these, the most Role-Playish of the all the Games...
History[edit | edit source]
Role-playing games (or, in their original Sanskrit Vidderkatten Kamen-tu) have been around for thousands of years, and were initially developed to allow horribly crippled hunters to experience the thrill of taking down game (such as Woolly Mammoths, Jews and Battle Droids) without having to leave their caves.
Many scholars believe that the role-playing game reached its pinnacle with the creation of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire: The RPG, but others believe that the RPG developed by Jesus, One Of You Will Betray Me: A GURPS Experience is the apex of the role-playing game form.
Varieties[edit | edit source]
There are two basic types of games: crunchy games and storytelling games.
Crunchy games[edit | edit source]
Crunchy games have lots of numbers and let you roll lots of dice. Much of the time is spent optimizing your character (also called munchkinizing) so that he is way cooler and more powerful than those of the other players. In these games it is player vs. gamemaster. The gamemaster is the judge of the game who tells the players the outcome of their rolls and tries his best to kill them.
In terms of high school dynamics: players who prefer crunchy games are "the jocks" and those who prefer storytelling games are "the geeks". Most of them, no matter what type of gamer you are, has a distorted notion of reality and wouldn't know the difference between a girl and an ogre. "Jocks" would try to kill her while "geeks" probably would try to seduce, drink her blood and then kill her.
Storytelling games[edit | edit source]
Storytelling games were first played by goths who popularized Vampire: The Masquerade. Later, other social outcasts joined in and storytelling games took off. Storytelling games have very few stats and instead of simply rolling to see if you killed the enemy, the idea is to talk about the scenes and decide what happens that furthers the story. Sometimes there is no killing or looting, and crunchy gamers find this very confusing. Some storytelling games don't even involve paper or dice, and the main rules consist of complaining about how monstruous one is, how life is going to end terribly quick and trying to stop cataclysm is just stupid.
Others[edit | edit source]
There is a third kind of role-playing game, which is much less seen although accepted more widley in society. In the playing of this game, one person dresses up as a nun and the other as an altar boy and much spanking is involved. This kind of game is rarely seen at gaming conventions like GenCon.
Game systems[edit | edit source]
Most people start with 2 strength (str), 2 dexterity (dex), 2 wisdom (wis), 1 intelligence (int), 3 cuteness (cut), 2 Cows (cow), and 7 mangos (mgo). Of course, this all depends on your d20 roll, but its a weighted die.
The goal of life is to get as many mangoes as you can. One can gain mangoes by:
- Singing olde Elton Jon toons in front of strangers loudly and off key(you must be wearing something loud and leather so you get the full effect of Ye Olde Jony Boy)
- Slaying half-troll newt-daemons
- Buying mangoes
- Calling girls who you see online "ugly" despite the fact that the girl in the picture wouldn't bang you no matter how many of her family members you threatened to kill
Character Creation[edit | edit source]
The first thing you must do is create a character. He must be strong, smart, brave, valiant, charismatic, and talented; in other words, he must be your opposite in every way. ((cowbell)) Most RPGs allow you to select various attributes to put 'skill points' into. Some common RPG attributes are:
- Strength
- Agility
- Alcohol Retention
- Improved Comedy Talent
- Dwarf Tossing Ability
- Friendliness
- Shoe Size
- Metabolism Rate
- Odor
- Political correctness
- Masturbation rate and speed
- If they have body hair
- If they like Spam or not
A good RPG character must strike a cunning balance between these attributes to stand a chance against the vicious hordes of Rats and Small Children he will have to defeat in quest to become a powerful Knight.
Putting too many points into one area or too few in another may hamper your character in unexpected ways; you must guess which attributes will be most useful, and you must place your Skill Points wisely.
For example, many players neglect to put points into Alcohol Retention, and instead choose to maximize Shoe Size, to wear the powerful Clown Shoes of Tralfamadore. This may seem like a smart idea at first, but late in the game, when you're required to challenge Governor George Bush of Texas to a drinking contest, you will not be able to win. A lot of good those fancy shoes are then, huh clown boy?
As you can see, effective point placement is key for any RPG character.
Web site example: rpgcontent.com website with rpg content compatible with any RPG games
Starting Out[edit | edit source]
When you first begin an RPG, you are alone in the tavern of a remote village, which is caught up in a war against the forces of evil.
You have to first assemble a party out of the local Drifters, Alcoholics, Dwarves, and Magic School Dropouts.
A good party should have a good balance of all these character classes, but should have more Alcoholics than other classes. A good party generally requires 3 alcoholics, but you can get by with 2 if your character's Alcohol Retention is high enough.
Each character class has a specific role:
- Alcoholics are your main fighters. Alcoholics have the ability to throw darts at enemies and smash them over the head with pool sticks. Alcoholics can take an immense amount of damage before succumbing, and can lay down a mean Karaoke version of Y.M.C.A. by the Village People.
- Dwarves can be tossed as weapons if your Dwarf Tossing skill is high enough. They are high damage weapons, capable of taking out multiple enemies at once. Dwarves are best used in conjunction with alcohol, as drunk dwarves do double damage. When used effectively, Dwarves are the most powerful weapons in the game. Beware though! If you mis-toss the dwarf, he will bitch you out, causing you to waste valuable time getting him drunk to shut him up, which can be deadly in a heated battle.
- Drifters are the sneakiest party members. They engage enemies in meaningless conversations about how they used to be in the army and steal their money when they are not looking. They can also break into abandoned houses to allow your party much needed rest. Drifters have an endless supply of old newspapers and refrigerator boxes, which can be used in numerous ways.
- Magic School Dropouts are able to cast spells, albeit not very well. Starting off, their spells are limited to minor cantrips such as Cause Flatulence and Get Target Wet but by the end of the RPG, they are mighty foes indeed, capable of summoning terrible demons (like the infamous level 5 Mujah Hid'een) and putting masses of foes to sleep (Training a drifter as a barkeep will give it a similar ability). A Dropout is a necessary part of a balanced
breakfastparty.
Plot[edit | edit source]
The plot of all RPGs is the same: A small town is threatened by an evil King and his terrible hordes of clichéd monsters such as Orcs, Goblins, Dragons, and Hitlers like that one You start off as a loner outcast with only a broken stick for a weapon; after 400+ hours of gameplay, you and your party are now mighty enough to take the Evil Lich Genericboss in his castle.
It's up to you and your party to slay the douchebag and return the Kingdom to peace, until the sequel or expansion pack, in which you have to save the hapless village yet again.
Usually there are a few random sub-plots which involve slaying a dragon in some faraway hills, retrieving some guy's watch, and helping an old man reshingle his house.
Generally the plot is unimportant and only exists to give you a reason to click on poorly animated monsters for hours on end.
Most of the plot was stolen from the Lord of the Rings anyway.
A typical RPG plot involves:
- Leaving your home town in order to perform a very silly task (like deliver bread to your grandma)
- Getting stuck somewhere in the road because of an earthquake
- Discovering that the earthquake was caused by a giant hedgehog, known as Sonic which fell on earth in ancient times.
- Discovering that the only way to beat that ultimate evil is by collecting 7 crystals.
- Each crystal is broken into 4 pieces, scattered in the west, east, north and south side of a temple.
- Each side of the temple is guarded by a monstrous guardian, which can be reached and defeated only by performing specific tasks.
- These specific tasks usually involve running back to a town miles away to pick up an item.
- Each side of the temple is guarded by a monstrous guardian, which can be reached and defeated only by performing specific tasks.
- Each crystal is broken into 4 pieces, scattered in the west, east, north and south side of a temple.
- Once the 7 crystals are collected, the player faces the betrayal of a party member.
- Which results in all the crystals being lost.
- And everything in the game has to be done once more.
...
Combat[edit | edit source]
Combat in an RPG can range from simple point-and-click to more complex point-and-click, or, to simplify, from boring to complex and boring.
Many weapons are used in an RPG, including staples such as the sword, the bow, the ninja-star and the tossed dwarf.
The tossed dwarf can either be the most effective or least effective weapon. If your tosser is sufficiently drunk and has a high enough dwarf tossing skill, the effect can be deadly; if not, the dwarf is likely to turn on your party and steal your alcohol. Dwarves must be handled with care if they are not in use, as they can go on a drunken binge at any time.
Not to be left out, magic users can be effective in battle, even they are total pussies who stand behind the fighters, staring at their asses. A few well-timed Greater Insult spells can incapacitate even hardiest of foes. Indeed, powerful mages can wield numerous, deadly, Insult spells to great effect. For example, the high level spell Insult: You Fight Like a Cow can instantly defeat any low to mid-level monster (With the exception of cows) with its frightening power.
Even drifters can be effective, if the fight happens to take place in a back alley or similar area. They may be slower than regular characters, because their pants are always down, but don't let this fool you: It's merely an attempt to cause enemies to lose their focus, and give the drifters an oppurtunity to knock them out with stories about how the world is going to end or how things aren't like they used to be.
Quests[edit | edit source]
Quests are the glue that holds RPGs together. Quests can be loosely defined as "Shit you're told to do during the course of the game." Quests can be either completely awesome ("Please, slay the dragon and I'll let you have intercourse with my beautiful daughter!") or completely tedious ("Help me find my vase, I think I dropped it under the bed.")
It's a safe bet, though, that an RPG will have a dragon slaying quest, a quest in which you must compete in a mud wrestling competition, and a quest where you party must master choreographed dance moves and song lyrics and win a Kingdom-wide pop music contest.
These quests are loosely tied together by the aforementioned 'plot'.
Dialogue[edit | edit source]
An RPG must also have hundreds of pages of boring dialogue to make it seem as if something important were occurring within the game. Many is the hour spent listening to priests and lords telling you of impending evils, drunks telling you of the size of their 'pet snake' and old women asking you to please stop doing that to her cats.
Although tedious, dialogue serves an important function in RPGs: It progesses the story and gives you new information and quests to complete.
Common character archetypes you'll encounter in an RPG are 'the old, tired fighter', 'the smart-ass wizard', and 'the jovial baker'.
Each of these characters has a separate dialogue tree and attitude. For example, the Baker is a nice character, who wishes you a good day and supplies you with Danishes and Eclaires if your Friendliness skill is high enough.
Some people say that the real game lies in these dialogues, but those people have no social life, so what do they know?
Items Required[edit | edit source]
Other Items that would be good to have[edit | edit source]
Items that are not allowed[edit | edit source]
- A life
- A girlfriend
- Catholics
Gameplay[edit | edit source]
Say you're stopped in a dark alley by a MUGGER.
MUGGER: *8 str *7 dex *6 int *6 wis *2 cut *12 mgo *d12 for 47 hp *equipped: GUN (dmg 27, d8 accur.) You have selected the most honourable path in life of UNNECESSARILY EXCESSIVELY NERDY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER UNNECESSARILY EXCESSIVELY NERDY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER (lv. 5 (small potatoes with high aspirations)): *3 str *1(0) dex (paralysed in fright) *6 int *6 wis *3 cut *8 mgo *28 hp *equipped: PEN (dmg 2, d12 accur.), VERY THICK GLASSES (2 Damage Resistance) MUGGER has higher incentive: first strike uses gun rolls 7d8 hit delivers 27 dmg VERY THICK GLASSES resists 1 dmg UNNECESSARILY EXCESSIVELY NERDY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER down to 2 hp. Needs food badly! UNNECESSARILY EXCESSIVELY NERDY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER uses pen, rolls 12d12. Critical hit! Oh, no, you forgot to uncap PEN. PEN snapped in half by MUGGER. 0 dmg delivered. MUGGER uses GUN, rolls 8d12 hit: Delivers 27 damage to UNNECESSARILY EXCESSIVELY NERDY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER. VERY THICK GLASSES resist 1 dmg. UNNECESSARILY EXCESSIVELY NERDY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER now has -24 hp. UNNECESSARILY EXCESSIVELY NERDY COMPUTER PROGRAMMER is DEAD! MUGGER receives 12 gold and a library card. Whoops, you died. But that's life. You should have paid 46 gold to have that wizard bless you with more wisdom.
Note: The mugger also died because he was in a dark allay, thus he was raped horrifically.
Popular RPGs[edit | edit source]
- Dungeons and Dragons, in which players lock themselves in their basements ("Dungeons") and develop tough, scaly skin ("Dragons") from lack of general hygiene.
- Call of Cthulhu, in which both characters and players go insane and die.
- Cyberpunk 2020, which is a game that isn't really worth mentioning.
- Shadowrun, which is like Cyberpunk, only it has magic.
- Jesus: Dreadful Bio Monster, max out your stats on Jesus' pious minions of doom!
- Kingdom Darts, keep mashing X to show off a small selection of darts to shoot at your enemies, the Dartless!
- Fireborn, which is like Shadowrun, only it takes place in a modern setting and you play as dragons.
- Paranoia, which, oh, click on the link!
- Warhammer, which is like a board game version of Warcraft, but actually Warhammer was made first.
- Munchkin, which is any of the above, only it's Players VS. GM.
- GURPS, which is all of the above rolled up into one game, carpet, and breakfast cereal.
- BURPS, the Banally Unimaginative Role Playing System, which uses only d2's (coin flips) to resolve any uncertainty
- RISUS, which is like any system mentioned above, below and elsewhere, only more so. The most serious rpg system invented so far. When you learn it, you'll laugh at all the other systems.
- Exalted, in which players compete to roll ever-vaster numbers of dice.
- Star Kingdoms
- Harry Potter, Mostly played on myspace or proboards, usually vastly out of character and many Mary Sues live in this fandom. Only one myspace group exists that makes sense which is the HPRPU [1] no proboards make sense.
- Neopets
- DARKON is like D&D for jocks (and nerds). There is no dice and no paper (except rolling paper at campouts). It is full-contact (tackling, fucking, shield bashing, molesting, tea-bagging, dick-slapping are all allowed). Players use real armor, and are physically forced to sign a safety waiver. You can get your ass kicked by a history buff, fuck one of the many, many slutty Darkon chicks after they get plastered at campout (Mmmm, sluts), and even get in a neverending grammar debate with a loud-mouthed noble of the realm! You even get to scare away women and children at soccer games in the fall and become a major dork!
- Star Trek: Armada II is a strategic role-playing game where people come to destroy each other morality, trash talk the living daylights out of, and ultimately all around be ugly. Sometimes the game is sooo boring. That people turn to calling each other names. Good job Activision. Nooobs!
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
RPGs are a fun past-time for many of the nation's unloved teenagers. RPGs teach us about bravery and honor, and lessons of life and love. RPGs provide an escape from our dreary lives. RPG players give us a punching bag, to make more fortunate members of society feel better about themselves. RPGs help us destroy tanks in our time of need
But mostly, like a cheap hooker with a dimebag of coke in her spandex pocket, they give us a good time for only $50 bucks and the eternal derision of the rest of the human race.
And you know what? I say that's a small price to pay. A small price indeed.
Quotes[edit | edit source]
“In Soviet Russia, games roleplay YOU!!”
“You are not truly a man (or woman) until you are at level 42”
“My Liege, I offer you my services, your wish is my command”
“whenever there is an RPG quest unfinished, a straight republican jock is born.”
“Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, even if it costs me 57 million leera, makes me have to grow my Woodcutting to level 99, have to go on the Advanced Quest to Londore to defeat the evil Cheese Baron, and slay a dog and crucify its innards!”
“rpgs r killin tings wit sords an saeving the word frum evil lol its that simpel man”
“once i was playing one and hitler came back 2 life and broke it and then died again because thats what hitlers do. and penisesers”