It is also possible that dragons have read, eaten, hated, burned, licked, tasted, slobbered, loved, sniffed or huffed this article. If you hate dragons, it is recommended to run like hell.
Dragons come in many different shapes, sizes and sexualities. They can tell us a lot about Humanity. Some people are "Dragons." It's that simple. When a person reaches the ultimate level of beastliness they simply become a dragon. For example, see Bruce Lee, Ashley Harrison, Bailes, Chuck Norris, Job Ashley, and Mr Miyagi. These people (or Dragons) are so powerful a mere look at them through anything but a camera will cause instantaneous blindness to you and everyone you hold dear. Many dragons refuse to come out of their caves, unless it is to pay for takeout food or return their library books...and of course kick ass. Thus, the series of rare images below will allow us to make many complete and utter assumptions about the life of a dragon. These beasts will kick your ass and burn you to ash in a split second. They also hate Sarah Palin.
- 1 What are Dragons?
- 2 Asians: Human/Dragon Hybrids?
- 3 Dragon Types (Collect Them All!)
- 3.1 Red dragon
- 3.2 Dragon body parts
- 3.3 Green dragon
- 3.4 Blue dragon
- 3.5 Gold dragon
- 3.6 Silver dragon
- 3.7 Yellow dragon
- 3.8 White dragon
- 3.9 Smaug
- 3.10 Ultraviolet dragon
- 3.11 Chinese dragon
- 3.12 Grand dragon
- 3.13 Virtual dragon
- 3.14 Platinum dragon
- 3.15 Time dragon
- 3.16 Pink dragon
- 3.17 Chromatic dragon
- 3.18 Gray dragon
- 3.19 Fire dragon
- 3.20 Water dragon
- 3.21 Pink and blue dragon
- 3.22 Infrared dragon
- 3.23 Paarthurnax
- 3.24 Jewish dragon
- 3.25 Purple dragon
- 3.26 Dragon Men
- 3.27 Canadian dragon
- 3.28 WikiDragon *NEW!*
- 3.29 Rainbow Dragon
- 3.30 Blood Dragon
- 3.31 Utahraptor
- 4 Habitat and Prey
- 5 Dragon Culture
- 6 How to deal with dragons
- 7 Dragons in Folklore
- 8 When Dragon Buttons
- 9 References
- 10 See also
What are Dragons?[edit | edit source]
Dragons are an endangered and unique species of aborted bastard babies from an orgy of eagles, leopards, and snakes. You can always tell an iguana from a dragon by fire-spitting behaviors exhibited by most dragons, their immense size or their magical ability to fly with wings; most reptiles do not have those properties. Dragons are, obviously, one of the most amazing creatures anyone can ever come across. Meant to be extraordinarily wise and intelligent, as well as undeniably strong and sometimes ferocious, dragons have been hounded for centuries by human kind, who killed most of their kind for a) their gold, b) their blood, meant to have magical properties, c) their gold, d) for the hell of it or e) their gold. Dragons are known to have very large amounts of gold, which they have collected over the endless centuries that fill up their lives. Many used to believe that dragons were immortal. However, being the heartless sadists that the human race are, there aren't any of a really old age to tell us, and the ones that there are would prefer to eat us for revenge and self-defence (as well as food; it's hard for a gigantic dragon to hide itself effectively while on a hunt, therefore has to put hunting off for as long as possible. Dragons get horny at blood, JUST LIKE BERNII!!). Along with unicorns, they were supposedly extinct when they missed Noah's message to get on the arc, but survived by sheer badassery.
Now, if you still don't know what a dragon is by now, then you obviously haven't been paying attention, which offends me most entirely and it is recommended that you get your ass off your couch and go anywhere with a geek who plays Dungeons and Dragons, World of Warcraft, Final Fantasy XI, or another RPG/Fantasy game, as well as hiding somewhere very far away where I cannot find you.
Note: as with all reptiles, dragons are ill-tempered and are known to kill people. This killing may occur for no apparent reasons, although it has usually been attributed to their gold being stolen. Female dragons (Single Dragoness) are also known to kill people when their "time of the month" arrives, or to protect their little dragonets. Therefore, when coming across a dragon, first look between its legs to determine its sex. Dragons look like penguins that have sharp teeth and that can fly. They're vicious. They like green, and they have joy in hurting people.The first dragon was created in A.D 36000 by William Shakespeare, his name was Puff (apparently it was much like the creation of Adam and Eve because the first female dragon was made by Shakespeare tearing out one of Puff's ribs and tossing it to the ground). They went back to 300 B.C. and traveled to China. There they raised their young and fed. They caused the Great Depression and they are the reason Napoleon was so short. They rip trees out of the ground and drink the drugs that were in the roots in the trees. The drugs put them to sleep so they only did this during hibernation.
Asians: Human/Dragon Hybrids?[edit | edit source]
There is a fringe belief that Asians are the result of dragon/human interbreeding eons ago. These human-dragon hybrids (aka Asians, or simply dragons) have evolved to be impervious to lung cancer regardless of how heavily they smoke since they have dormant fire breathing genes (this is great for them but obviously they have a weird, diabolical scheme to make all non-dragons suffer). Also modern day human-dragon hybrids (Asians) possess the ability to fly however no non-dragon has ever witnessed that feat first hand. This is the ancient Chinese secret everyone refers to. Thus it brings to the conclusion that these dragon humans like to make other people suffer and like to see other people gag.
Dragon Types (Collect Them All!)[edit | edit source]
Red dragon[edit | edit source]
The Red dragon likes sports, particularly rugby and often has a subscription to a cable network to keep track of its favorite teams. Red dragons like to make bets and gamble and can often find themselves in hock to unsavoury characters after making bets that they cannot cover. Rumours indicate that it was a Red dragon who ate Jimmy Hoffa after becoming indebted to a powerful mafioso. The Red dragon's breath-weapon causes acute embarrassment. Victims are often deluded into thinking they are stark naked in front of their colleagues and associates. They are also huge fans of Hannibal Lecter. They are also known as my mother. Red dragons have waaaay too much treasure.
Dragon body parts[edit | edit source]
A special type of dragons, usually wyrms, are a body part of other monsters, either an arm, a penis, tongue, etc. Prince's guitar is also a dragon penis.
Green dragon[edit | edit source]
Green dragons have a great affection for gardening and can often be found puttering around in the garden on a weekend with only the occasional cow as a snack. The Green dragon's breath-weapon causes intense jealousy, so much, in fact, that it causes the victim to settle into a state of self-pitying hatred as they look to their own life in disdain and wonder why they couldn't have had the big house in Malibu, and why they couldn't drive a nice car, and why they are forced to work non-stop for the man while everyone else enjoys themselves with their fancy $300 wine and yacht clubs, and he has five kids that are all frikkin' assholes and a wife that won't stop nagging him and he can't take it anymore and just has to kill himself END IT! because his life is so worthless!. Green dragons are also very picky about grammar and absolutely hate run-on sentences.
Blue dragon[edit | edit source]
The Blue dragon enjoys listening to emo and prefers to live in dark caves with a solitary blue lightbulb. Their breath-weapon causes intense despondency and often causes victims to hang out in seedy bars discussing the relative merits of Charlie Parker and Satchmo, and exchanging bad poetry. Distant relative of Eeyore, Blue dragons should not be confused with their larger cousins the dragon fly.
Gold dragon[edit | edit source]
Gold dragons are very parental and like to remind everyone how "It used to be all fields round here". Golds are fond of small knick-knacks and bric-a-brac and often find themselves watching Antiques Roadshow to pass the time and assess their wealth. A Gold dragon's breath-weapon is terrible to behold as it reminds its listener that it really ought to get in touch with mom again and that you didn't thank aunt Vera for the book tokens you got last Christmas.
Silver dragon[edit | edit source]
Silver dragons are like those neighbors across the street that you don't really like but are always inviting you over and saying "Howdy neighbor!" and "noodly doo" while watering their perfectly-cut lawn whenever you step out into your frontyard littered with dead grass and old peanut butter cup wrappers. There are alike in that they both secretly hold Satanic rituals and Roman-style orgies in their den whenever the schedule doesn't call for a modestly arrogant invitation of unworthy neighbors to barbecues that everyone enjoys except that one guy who only came because his wife forced him to, but in secret, he really hates them. Silver dragons also like watching the Food Network for tips on cooking that they think they'll use, but really never will. The silver dragon's breath weapon causes great annoyance. Recent evidence has also proven that silver dragons are fatal to werewolves. Although were-rabbits are known to kill the silver dragon for bad looking metallic clothes.
Yellow dragon[edit | edit source]
Yellow dragons often attempt to pass themselves off as Gold dragons, but no one is fooled; of course no one wants to mention it because it would be rude, not to mention awkward and potentially dangerous if ever the yellow dragon decides to employ his breath-weapon on his fellow dragons out of rage. Often this rage is simply as a result of a tender need to be loved, but mostly its just utter and complete destruction. For the yellow dragon's breath has the power to not only to destroy and burninate but to cause extreme cowardice,and a complete lack of interest in everything from tending to a garden to making sweet dragon-love.
White dragon[edit | edit source]
Usually a White dragon will find its home in cold climates so that it can be as far away from its natural enemy, the Emu, as is dragonly possible. White dragons and Emus have been at war for millennia and only the oldest of the species can recall the reason for the enmity. A long-lived and accurate stereotype of White dragons is that they cannot jump, and this is true, for if ever a White dragon is challenged to a jumping contest, they will immediately kill the other contender in an attempt to hide their shortcomings. White dragons are also known to have quite an addiction to sugar, causing them to stay up late, go hyperactive, and generally go completely random and Bat Fuck Insane, thereby writing the majority of the articles on Uncyclopedia. For the same reason, their breath-weapon has the ability to neutralize the effects of Ritalin and cause the victim to go Bat Fuck Insane as well. The white dragon is usually seen as the trade mark of you-gay-oh cards
Smaug[edit | edit source]
A dead dragon. But when he was alive, he enjoyed barbecued dwarfs, humans and elves. And possibly hot-dogs,but this has never been proved. He has a weak spot in his armor, and he died because of it. He was called a worm, but I have a no idea why. In what way does a Dragon resemble a worm? Or was it wyrm? Or wurm? Or wyvern? Gah, I don't know, but those titles sound ridiculous. It's like comparing Chuck Norris to the second strongest man on earth. Now that's ridiculously stupid. There's eons between the two. Unless he's fighting Tony Jaa. That would be a close one. But the point is that wurm is NOT a honorific title! It's just stupid!
Ultraviolet dragon[edit | edit source]
Invisible to the human eye, these tiny dragons like to play pranks, such as putting your keys and other small, irreplaceable items in obscure places. Cats can often be found conversing with them in the silent language of the angels, swapping recipes, discussing literature, and generally talking about things which other dragons would simply find boring, leading ultraviolet dragons to be shunned from mainstream dragon society. Ever gotten an itch for no apparent reason? well thats the ultraviolet dragon's breath weapon. They're susceptible to heat, which is why exterminators employ infrared dragons to cure ultraviolet dragon infestations. This has led to the belief that infrared and ultraviolet dragons are natural enemies, which has no foundation in reality.
Chinese dragon[edit | edit source]
Chinese dragons have no legs and no wings, this means that whilst flying they look like majestic worms of the sky, much like Lindsay Lohan looks like a majestic worm of the ground until she quickly unhinges her jaw to swallow scores of unsuspecting guests to her movie premieres while they slowly digest in her four-chambered stomach. When on the ground, Chinese dragons deploy twenty-four legs for balance that unhinge from one of its six phannie packs strapped to the underside of its body. Chinese dragons like drum and bass, fish, dancing, and long walks by the beach. Chinese dragons do not have a breath-weapon but generally have really nice eyelashes which they flutter whilst dancing, stealing the female dragons away from their boyfriends who refuse to dance because they "have a reputation to keep', which would inevitably be destroyed once the Chinese dragon kicks his ass upon being challenged for the female dragon's affection.
Grand dragon[edit | edit source]
These racist dragons want to restart the Confederacy and slavery. They run the Ku Klux Klan, trying to recruit stupid people. Grand Dragons wear hoods over their heads to hide the fact that they are indeed black and gay. Grand Dragons breathe fire on crosses, cursing the God Obama for creating them with small dicks.
It is advised by the God Obama to drown these pests immediately with haste.
Virtual dragon[edit | edit source]
Very odd type of dragon that exists only inside cyberspace, the Virtual Dragons allied with the Cyber Ninjas to defeat their parents, who established their bedtime (7:35). They usually look a bit like short Chinese dragons with permanently deployed legs, though they retain their unique pale skin, a direct cause of sitting by the computer all day gazing at page after page of mind-numbing websites while getting absolutely no sun and no life. Their breath weapon manifests as floating bits of phlegmatic-looking binary which causes targets to become infected with spam, pop-ups, and penis-enhancing advertisements. you can keep them as pets if you have a large enough hard-drive, and sic them on the computers of people you don't like.
Platinum dragon[edit | edit source]
Unlike most dragons, the Platinum dragon is considered the royalty of dragon-kind. Only one is ever alive at one time. Whichever one is alive at the time is considered the King or Queen of dragons. The current King of dragons is know as Chuck Noris and has a very bad temper though is normally a nice guy. Unlike other monarchies, Platinum dragons are not born into royalty, but rather go platinum whenever they kill at least a million cows, farmers, or war-bent emperors. They have no breath weapon, but their round-house kick can cause a big bang.
Time dragon[edit | edit source]
Time Dragons are dragons that have absolute control over time and space. They can choose to take over the world if they want to. Fortunately, they are pretty kind creatures and prefer to stay at home and piss people off on the internet rather than the whole taking-over-the-world thing. They can hack really well in games (they always win, even against Koreans and n00bs combined!) by turning back time whenever they make a mistake or if they instinctively lose. Also they're controlling our world, although most of us don't know it. When ever someone finds out that a person dies, the person is instantly turned into a immortal otherwise. They also tell them the meaning of life when ever meeting a Time Dragon. What is the meaning of life? The answer... 69 man! Another answer is sex, sex and more sex. Their breath turns people either young, old or non-existent (by turning back time so much that he/she was never born)
Pink dragon[edit | edit source]
“Ahhh... being pink was sooooo much fun... good times... good times...”
Pink dragons are super-fun, super-sassy, and super-fabulous! All pink Dragons are males, which is a problem because same-sex marriage is still illegal in the Dragon Kingdom, and few Pink dragons wish to settle for those other savages, despite the utter sexiness of the female Green dragon. But of course, Pink dragons are people too. For example,
they must be allowed to follow their hearts...no...NO NO!!! For God's sake, don't even use that example! That was cornier than Oprah's toilet after the 4th of July!
The Pink dragon's breath power turns male dragons totally FABULOUS!! And it makes female dragons get season passes for the Pink dragon's show on Bravo. (What The Fuck is this!? This is Gay Dragons, all over again!)
Chromatic dragon[edit | edit source]
The Chromatic dragons were created when MC Nefarian, an African American dragon and rap star/part time mad scientist who wants to take over the world, spliced the genes of the African American, Red, Blue, Green, and Gold dragons together. They were created to refill the ranks of Nefarians rapidly shrinking posse, so he could both defeat rival rap star/part time mad scientist who wants to take over the world Ragnawroz, and take over the world. Their existence has, for the longest time, been kept secret by Nefarian's agent/co-conspirator Rend "Warchief" Blackhand. However, starting in 2004, people started finding out about the existence of the Chromatic dragons. Usually, said people find out about the Chromatic dragons while in groups of 10.
Their breath weapon changes every week.
Gray dragon[edit | edit source]
Gray dragons are really really boring. they like watching antique roadshow and talk nonstop about boring things like quantum physics and ancient Swiss history in a maddening monotone voice. they often find professions in being professors in these fields. Their breath weapon causes extreme suicidal boredom so great it has made the toughest men cry like little girls with pigtails.
Fire dragon[edit | edit source]
Fire dragons live in oceans and breathe ice. The Sun is a big fat fire dragon. Fire dragons get their name from living at the bottom of the ocean, hoping the humans won't discover their 3000°C body temperature. Fire dragons are often called black smokers, but generally will never see a cigarette in their lifetime (300,000,000,000 years on average).
Water dragon[edit | edit source]
Water Dragons are made of water and are, therefore, hard to kill, because any weapon just goes through them. They also live in water. Water Dragons often keep pet water animals in themselves. They love drinking water and their favorite sport is water polo. Their breath weapon is water that makes you into water. Water.
Pink and blue dragon[edit | edit source]
Pink and blue dragons are hermaphrodites. Their breath weapon makes you change your sex. They used this on Michael Jackson; the process was however interrupted part of the way through. This is quite apparent, not to mention terrifying. Should you cross the path of one of these dragons and perchance piss it off....run dammit, run.
They are also known to have created homos and lesbians, since they apparently do not have the ability to mate with the other sex.
Infrared dragon[edit | edit source]
These dragons are only visible on an infrared camera. They like to go to parties with Ultraviolet dragons, and will often end up getting drunk and breeding with them, which can result in large numbers of little baby hybrid dragons, dubbed Allyrjens. Their breath weapon will make the victim wish immediately for beer and sex, which in high doses can produce people like Bill Clinton.
Paarthurnax[edit | edit source]
The nicest dragon that ever lived, compared with his big bro Alduin, the biggest douchebag ever. He lives in the wonderful world of Skyrim, Utah. He is also the second oldest dragon to ever live, so he forgets what he's talking about after a while. It's very annoying, because he keeps repeating the same things over and over, for example: "Use dragonrend, dovahkiin!" and you're like: "Dude! I know! Just shut the f*ck up and let me concentrate on bringing down Alduin!" It's rumored (and quite evident) that Paarthurnax has Alzheimers since he is older than dirt however, being a dragon might have extended the time before he went senile.
Jewish dragon[edit | edit source]
They mostly live in Brooklyn, but unlike both dragons and jews, they usually don't have a dime. They are usually atheists and don't take shit from rabbis cause they're fuckin' dragons. A douchebag once tried to relate their existence to his theory about Adam and Eve living with dinosaurs which are in fact dragons, which are in fact boogeymen, which are in fact the original line-up of Kool and the Gang. Other inmates, however, didn't want to listen to his theory and told him to just bend over already.
Purple dragon[edit | edit source]
Very rare but very dangerous, these dragons have been known to masquerade as lovable television dinosaurs in a ploy to molest children. They sing annoying-ass songs that can put you into their trance, when they will then pretend to dance around with you for a while, and once you are backstage, they will sprout their hidden wings and fly you to their cavern, where he will molest and kill you. They are extremely dangerous, and account for 206% of all deaths in British-Columbia and 57% in America. The rest are from being Rick Rolled. Oh yeah, and Spyro. Can't forget him. While they are young they stare at asses of women and learn how to buttsex at age 5.
Dragon Men[edit | edit source]
Throughout history there had been rare occurrences of humans turning into a dragons. This breed only happens under two circumstances. One, is that s/he must of been thought of by a red wrester typist, and or secondly there is a kingdom that is waging war against another across open sea. Out of our history, there are only two that existed. One was during the time of King Arthur, who was slain by Sir Tristram, an ancestor of Leonard Cohen. And the other was Trogdor, who was a combination of a Green dragon and Leonard Cohen. Abe Lincoln was the biggest dragon. He was obviously a grey dragon.Also there was the French dragon man but all that one did was eat cheese and carry white flags around while flying away from a variety of different dragon men.(Most notably German Dragonmen)
Canadian dragon[edit | edit source]
This rare dragon survives on moose meat, Kraft Dindins, and LP lite beer (and also maple syrup). They resemble Canadians exactly, they even have that leaf on their shirts(yes they wear shirts you retards). They love hockey and curling, the only 2 sports you can play drunk. Canadian dragons are always skip.
WikiDragon *NEW!*[edit | edit source]
Now you can collect the newest addition to the dragon series, the WikiDragon. There are many different subspecies of these, and you can read more about them at Wikipedia where they terrorize the people of WikiMedia by providing large amounts of encyclopedic content. We can only hope none of them find their way into Uncyclopedia. Please be careful when collecting this dragon that you do not release it on our premises.
The WikiKnights of Wikipedia serve to hunt down and vanquish all WikiDragons. If you find one we advise you kill it and mount its head on your wall.
Rainbow Dragon[edit | edit source]
Rainbow Dragons are fused color dragons combined into one. As they fuse they will chant, "With your powers combined, I am Captain-" Wait... this sounds so familiar. Aaaanyways, after they are fused the light radius is so bright it can actually melt the human's eyes out. Even with sunglasses, you will still melt your eyes out. Rainbow Dragons have the powers to make the whole entire universe gay. Unicorns, furries, and 4chan members will come out of portals and dominate the history of man-kind. It is also said that rainbow dragons are so colorful, you can't resist having sex with it. Even if its straight or gay, you will want it!
Blood Dragon[edit | edit source]
Blood Dragons are by far the most brutal and useless dragons in the land. With only 3 ever existing, they're prone to attracting bears, deer, elk, and Adam Sandler fans to their area of earshot. Once the prey is in sight, the Blood Dragon swoops out of its hiding place and dick swings the victim. Blood Dragons are mainly named for their extreme blood orgies. As of May, 1999, only 1 Blood Dragon remained in the entire species, named ASDFMark Garfenberry. He is currently undercover, but rumors are heard that he is disguising as a Clay Aiken lookalike in Northern Skyrim in the Dragon Mafia.
They are not dragons, but were thought to be once.
Habitat and Prey[edit | edit source]
Dragons prefer to live in caves due to the low overheads. Quite why dragons prefer to bump their skulls on these low overheads is a mystery. Most dragons like mountains and prefer to make their homes here, although house-hunting can be quite difficult as they have very high standards. Most dragons prefer to settle on mountains that have scary names - amongst the more popular dragon residences are places such as The Mountain Of Eternal Fear, The Mountain Of Excruciating Pain, The Mountain Of Ashlee Simpson or Not a 25th Level Fighter/Mage? Fuck Off Then Mountain.
Dragons don't kill you because they are hungry, they do it because it is fun. It's just one of these things. Dragons are the only creatures that kill for no reason. Well, apart from rabbits, birds, cows, worms and so on.
Dragons dislike Mormons and MLG gamers more than anything else but have a great deal of respect for hardy adventurers. Nothing gives a dragon more pleasure than giving away some of its treasure to anyone willing to tramp up the mountain (besides raping the shit out of MLG gamers on XBox Live and laughing at their inferiority to their dragon sniping skillz). Problems can arise due to the exceptionally poor eyesight of dragons and many is the tale of the adventurer who trudges to the top of the mountain to get a share of dragon goodwill only to be mistaken for a representative of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Dragons always feel really bad about chewing up adventurers and would take their rage out on the LDS Church but who can be bothered to fly to Utah? So they just get on Halo 3 and pwn the sorry asses of all the MLG gamers.
Dragons consume up to 20 tons of food everyday. They eat things such as cows, sheep, babies, cute little bunnies, and cigarette butts; although, they prefer eating pizza, Moo shu pork, cows and virgins but really, really dislike haute cuisine as dragons have great difficulty with cutlery.In extreme situations, Dragons may resort to devouring their own treasure if necessary. A traditional and favourite dragon food is the princess. These are kidnapped and later swallowed, after the stupid knight fails pathetically in his attempt to save them. With the decline in princesses after 2005, dragons have begun to enjoy babes, chicks, hot chicks, Asian Chicks and schoolgirls. Many of these also fall under the category of porn star (See below). A significantly smaller amount fall under the category of virgin (Also See Below).
Very few dragons choose to live in the United States of America but because of this they suffer from local illnesses and diseases. Many American dragons suffer from depression, arthritis, and ADD. But among all these diseases dragons suffer mainly from anorexia, bulemia, and obesity. This is mainly because of the change in prey that the experience. Pizza is abundant, but cows in america supposedly have mad cow disease and are deemed inedible, and almost no one is a virgin in the USA. The new dragon prey is then a large Big Mac with fries and a Diet Coke. But nothing can come close to their favorite meal, the virgin. However in America the dragons find a new type of delicacy, the porn star. Its quite the opposite of a virgin but it has the same "zing" that dragons look for.
The Short answer of its prey is YOU!!!
Note: The LDS Church is not to be confused with LD5, a group of crazed individuals who dream constantly of having sex with very large reptiles. They chase dragons incessantly as a result, and dragons hate them almost as much Mormons. Members of LD5 also tend to be fat, lazy, furry geeks, and as a result are very hard on dragon digestive systems.
Dragon Culture[edit | edit source]
Enter the Dragon[edit | edit source]
The first erotic movie starring a dragon, Enter The Dragon was discovered, along with several etchings (see image) in the cave of a dragon in 1898. It was surrounded by several tons of encrusted dragon-size tissue. Spectral analysis of the tissue's contents have been inconclusive, but whichever way you look at it, that's a lot of tissue.
Why do Dragons live in caves with treasure?[edit | edit source]
One mystery about Dragons that has been hard to solve was why some sort of treasure was found in most Dragon's Lairs (caves). The treasure itself would vary from gold, silver, rubies, diamonds, DDs, 8-balls, $.99 double cheese burgers, and sporks. The only explanation we have that makes any sort of sense was given to us by a man who went by Nokard Sore.
His findings while working as a Dragon Ninja (he wasn't, in fact, a ninja but preferred the name as it was a much better title than the given "voyeur of private parts", as Dragon Lairs (caves) were considered an invasion of privacy.) *ahem* were quite intriguing to Dragonosophers.He reported that the treasures found in the caves depended on the Dragon's diet....(meaning Dragons shit treasure). This trait was an odd enough find but when he furthered his studies, he noticed that Dragons would only leave their caves (lairs) to eat or breed (females). Their behavioral traits pointed out that most Dragons suffer from social anxiety disorder (hence the awkward burning of all humanity, and most other species, except cockroaches) and probably urophobia as well.
Kimono Dragons[edit | edit source]
Kimono dragons refuse to accept that the 1970s ended and continue to live in oriental styled houses and pretend that they know how to kill mocking birds in a drunken stae of corruption with a hint of karate. Most of them lounge around wearing silk kimonos (hence the name) and smoke cigarettes and attempt to lure unsuspecting rollerskaters into their bachelor dragon lairs for some extremely dangerous sex.
There is some suspicion that Hugh Hefner is in fact a Kimono dragon, skin cell tests certainly show a reptilian element to his DNA but this is currently being disputed by Hefner's legal team. Kimono dragons are not great long-term partners, their poisonous bite and tongue could be deadly to any females whose "la-la area" is bitten. Luckily Kimono dragons do not seem to be aware of the concept of foreplay.
Dragon Balls[edit | edit source]
A surprising delicacy are the testes of the male dragon. On ingesting a number of Dragon Ballz one can often find oneself turning into a Super Saiyan. Male dragons have 347 testicles. Stealing a dragon's balls can prove very difficult and is practiced only by Elders of the saiyan race. However, once you have all 347 of The Dragon's balls then the dragon may grant you one wish. Use this knowledge wisely. This is a load of crap. Dragons are like males of any other species - this legend above comes from an old myth surrounding the existence of a super-dragon, with exceptional magical powers.
Dragon's Lair[edit | edit source]
A dragon's lair is always inaccessible by normal means (there are no roads), and almost always located on top of a mountain or in a cave (except in extreme cases where you have met this dragon before, have managed to piss said dragon off and then he will be in the remains of your home, chewing on your partner's arm). When entering a dragons chamber it is important to make sure the path leads down. A downwards path always means easy access to the treasure. If you find your adventurous ass going upwards be warned, as you will eventually come face to face with a vicious yet tired sleeping dragon (pillaging is hard work). Once there you must scale the dragon which is always followed by a breakneck slide down the dragons tail down to the treasure. Collect your treasure but be warned said dragon always wakes up when you are a good 3 minute run from the exit.
The Dragon Dung Farm[edit | edit source]
Dragon's tend to crap a lot,which led to the global warming of Mars and subsequently ending the Llama reign on that babalicious redneck anally inclined shithole of hell.To solve and prevent further damage to the Earth the Confederacy establish a Dragon Dung Farm Association or D.D.S.A. which when the letters are switched around the form the word D.A.D.S which stands for Dastardly Anal Duck-Fuckers Society.
Stop Dragon My Heart Around[edit | edit source]
Classic Dragon Love song written and performed by Tom Petty but made famous by Stevie Nicks and then Weird Al Yankovic when he recorded the parody, Stop Dragon My Car Around. Tom Petty had additional fame by being one of the survivors in the post-apocalyptic movie The Postman, directed and starring Kevin Costner who also starred in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves with Sean Connery who was the voice of Draco in Dragonheart which is why this is on this page. Also another example of six degrees of separation.
How to deal with dragons[edit | edit source]
It's simple: don't believe in them. It's common knowledge that dragons only exist if you believe in them, so just turn your back on it and say: "You don't exist", and the dragon will vanish into thin air. It works on most dragons. Be advised, though, that there are certain breeds of dragon that have been genetically modified to resist existentialistic denial tactics, and those will probably just fry you out of annoyance. If you happen to run across this sort of dragon, it is best to fuck off with all possible haste. There are also the problems that someone else somewhere will believe in them, whether you do or not, and so this tactic rarely works at all. Only once has this worked - unfortunately, sometime afterwards it was found the man's travelling companion was a disguised sorcerer and so just sent the dragons to somewhere else. You can also try to fight a dragon, but seeing as a dragon is basically a flying magical T-Rex that breathes fire, shits wisdom and reads minds, you'd have to be a complete fuckwit to try.
How can I stop dragons from carrying me away?[edit | edit source]
There are four pieces of advice given to travellers moving through a dragon's territory. These are reproduced below - he mermaid was purportedly very disappointed that she didn't have a vagina.]]
- Lose your virginity.
- Wear a nametag indicating you are Buddhist.
- Don't have udders.
- Don't be smothered in delicious cheese and pepperoni.
- Travel with she known as the 'Daughter of the Dragons'
- Fire your lazer.
If threatened by a dragon, do not attempt to kill it, even in the unlikely event that you have the necessary weapons and training. Dragons are protected by law in all countries of the world (except Britannia, Norrath, parts of Vana'diel and three US states), even against self-defense. Even if you manage to kill one (which is most unlikely), it may eventually turn into a zombie dragon. If it does, good luck...
Instead, several techniques exist for banishing a dragon. The most common is to challenge it to a game of dice. In theory, this leaves much to chance (particularly problematic since the human will usually need to wager his own life); however, there are ways the human player can gain an insurmountable advantage. One that has grown in popularity since the 1970s is to complicate the rules such that both players need (preferably multiple) rulebooks to keep them straight. Unless the rulebooks are printed in draconic script, the dragon will be unable to read them, hence the human's advantage. Do not stand too near the books, however; red dragons in particular are likely to set them on fire when they become frustrated.
Of course if a dragon is really interested in you, your fate is sealed, since all dragons are the spawn of Bruce Lee, they are invincible and cannot be stopped.
Dragons in Folklore[edit | edit source]
Every story told needs a dragon. No matter how much the story you're telling sucks, add a dragon. This is the be-all, end-all means of improving any tale, yard, anecdote, or unnecessarily gratuitous rambling about your own boring life. Try it. I'm not lying.
When Dragon Buttons[edit | edit source]
References[edit | edit source]
- What did you expect?