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Qantas Airways Jumbo Jet
Typical Qantas flight just after take-off

“Never crashed. Never crashed.”

~ Raymond on Qantas

Qantas, as the Giant red flying kangaroo (Animalia Chordata Mammalia Marsupialaia Diprotodontia Phalangerida Macropodidae Macropus gigantaerorufus) is otherwise affectionately known, is sometimes mistaken for nothing more than a commercial airline from Australia. If it were to be considered an airline, then their planes would irrefutably be the world's most uncrashable. Because of such, Qantas had seen a major jump in air ticket demand since the rise of terrorism, often forcing some to travel to Melbourne, Australia, from Cincinnati in order to get to Los Angeles.

Airline or Animal?obviously animal and proud owner of Shitstar[edit | edit source]

To the untrained eye, Qantas would seem like nothing more than a standard, shimmering airplane, and many had thought it was just that since it was first discovered; however, zoologists have been insisting it is, in fact, another species of Macropus after DNA samples taken from the fuselage closely tied them with the kangaroo family (which are themselves related to rats). Moreover, they had deduced from the DNA that each Qantas will tend to copulate with their own sex. Opponents to the animal theory of Qantas point to this as the big Achilles' heel, saying that it was more probable that the DNA were only contaminants from the stewards, who are nothing more than giant flying gay rats. Zoologists continue to defend their partners.

Engineers, on the other hand - some of whom claimed they were involved in the design and construction of Qantas airplanes - insist, themselves, that the design of this beast matches too closely to that of an airplane. Skeptics, at one point, indicated that unlike the design of any other normal airplane, all Qantas 'planes' had an unexplained personality defect that would cause surrounding planes to laugh as they passed by, which indeed had been observed in whichever airport Qantas was spotted in.

Recently, the Panel of Important Scientists had reached the conclusion of their long debate, and the arguing sides had reached a compromise. It was announced that Qantas is now considered as both an animal and an airline - an animal-airline, as the important scientists' super-creative minds had decided on.

“In much the same way Australia is an island-continent, the Qantas is now an animal-airline. Weird, though, ain't they, them Aussies?”

~ Dr. J. Seuss (pronounced Zoice)

Etymology[edit | edit source]

Originally, until the 1960s, Qantas was named the acronym QANTAS, which stood for Queers And Nymphomaniacs Trying to Act as Stewards. This caused an uncomfortable stigma around Qantas staff, many of whom were pestered persistently over the name, even if they were not stewards.

Finally, in the 60s, the Qantas staff had had enough... of being called bad spellers. The entire staff staged large protests after previous years of failing to change the name due to red tape, and they were in the end successful after the process of name-changing, itself, was changed to become more streamlined. The proposed name-change was QUANTAS (Queers, Uthers And Nymphomaniacs Trying to Act as Stewards). Unfortunately, it was written down as "Qantas" on the signed form by an illiterate member of staff, and that's how it became known as Qantas... again.

Interestingly enough, it was also during the 60s up until present day that nobody cared, and so, the name remained.

The Kangaroo Tattoo[edit | edit source]

It is noted that all Qantas airplanes have a red tail on which a white kangaroo is tattooed, a requirement before any Qantas plane is allowed to fly passengers after being properly reared and trained by the Qantas company.

Contrary to the opinions of the black Aborigines of Australia, it was not intended to be a symbol of white man's domination from the skies, but rather albino kangaroos' domination over the red kangaroo. Qantas airplanes are, themselves, closely related to the red kangaroo, who are nothing but an inferior race of savages. In order to "put them in line" to be allowed to fly the skies, Qantases are sent to concentra boot camps for intense training from when they are very little; the tattoo is only one of the formalities imposed for their training. Only 273 are alive today (81 on order) and are in danger of extinction.

An advertisement for Qantas

Uncrashable[edit | edit source]

Qantas airplanes (also known as the exploding bomb) are impervious to all anti-aircraft missiles, rocks, birds or acts of God because it is made of metal, which is very strong. In cases of engine failure, the airplane will switch to FS mode so that passengers can manually flap its wings. (FS standing for Flint Stone, its inventor.) These two powerful features make the Qantas airplanes "practically uncrashable"™.

If the airplane is to go down anyway, upon impact, rather than crashing, the airplane will commit seppuku at the last second, and shatter into a million pieces. Upon releasing its bowels, all passengers and crew will be ejected and smashed onto the surface. "Splatter" becomes more the word, not crash.

If you want an airline that goes down, try Aer Lingus, "aka Cunning Lingus; licking competition out of the sky"

Safety[edit | edit source]

Qantas requires all sober passengers to run through this quick pre-takeoff safety checklist:

  • Seat Belt - do I have one?
  • Brace position - so many to chose from!
  • Nearest Exit - might not be there when we break up over the Indian Ocean
  • Oxygen - supplied through a gaping hole
  • Life Jacket - bring your own
  • Review escape procedures - how are you going to get over the fat pig on your right?

Qantas has cut so many corners and costs, so the chance of all these happening is highly likely, its only a matter of time and when (and where) [1]

Criticism[edit | edit source]

The result of Qantas' 'Strict Safety Standards': Icebergs in midair.

Upon closer inspection, it was found that the hull of Qantas airplanes aren't as impervious as some had come to think. While it remains strong enough to withstand everything as advertised on television, the one thing it could not take was an iceberg scrape. This was in the 50s, and in 1957, many people demanded that all the Qantas airplanes be recalled and the potential problem be fixed with genetically modified kangaroos.

The Qantas company's refusal to do so only fueled public fury, lasting for several months; and in 1958, the influential film A More Inconvenient Truth was made with Australian ex-prime minister-to-be Pal Gore, spreading the word on the dangers of icebergs on Qantas airplanes.

The row on Qantas' iceberg problem died down as the people realized that icebergs do not float in the air, when they saw this illustrated in the film with Pal's multi-sourced scientific proof that it did. Everything went back to normal.

In 1962, a Qantas plane came down after flying over Mt. Everest in foggy conditions.

Nobody cared.

Lists[edit | edit source]

Management Team[edit | edit source]

  • Lord King - Chief Executive Officer of the "less than satisfactory" British Airways, once placed a massive holocaust on Flying Kangaroos. BA used to hold up to 49% stake of Qantas.
  • Geoff Dixon - Former Chief Executive of Qantas (? - 2004). Now retired and currently managing a Kangaroo farm in Queensland and the North Territories.
  • Richard Branson - Chief Executive Officer of the Virgin Group, who currently owns 51% stake of Qantas. He is also the boyfriend of Geoff Dixon.
  • Margret Johnson - Former Chairperson and Executive Director of Qantas (? - 2007). Rumoured to be kidnapped by aliens after her retirement.
  • David Neeleman - Chief Executive Officer of Qantas (2004 - 2007). The person who introduces the concept of "A whole different animal" to the flying kangaroos, profit rises over 255% one year after his arrival due to effective "LCC-Style" management. Now being kicked out by the Christian pastors due to his Mormon Faith.
  • Stephen Miller - Ex-Dragonair (a Hong Kong-based Pokemon Farm) Chief Executive Officer, who was accused of interbreeding Flying Kangaroos with Dragons. About 20% of Qantas' fleet are now considered as "semidragons". Also Chairperson and Executive Director of Qantas (2007 - 2018)
  • Rev. Raymond Lee - Chief Executive Officer of Qantas (2007 - ), after Oasis Hong Kong Airlines takes over Qantas and its Kangeroo Farms in Sydney and Melbourne.
  • Miley Cyrus - Chairperson and Executive Director of Qantas (2018 - ). Also a farm manager in Tennessee, famous songwriter (written over 10000 songs since the age of 10) and a part-time pastor (the only non-fundamentalist evangelical around in that era). She's revolutionised the airline industry by installing private bedrooms and showers on-board airliners (including the Flying Kangaroos) and making the flight attendants dress like Hannah Montana.

Other Fascinating Qantas Facts[edit | edit source]

  • The average Flying Kangaroo is 30 metres tall and 77 metres in length.
  • The average Semidragons is 20 metres tall and 40 metres in length.
  • Qantas Airways begins with the letter "C", which stands for "Cute" and "Comfy".
  • The average legroom on-board Qantas' Economy class is 78 inches, while you get private bedrooms with showers and double beds for First class.
  • The Flying Kangaroos are the only creatures on Earth that can hop between any two points on the planet nonstop.
  • Qantas has been sponsored by evangelical churches since 2007.
  • Qantas is actually owned by the United Nations, and its headquarters are inside the UN headquarters in New York.

Fleet[edit | edit source]

  • 10 Britannias
  • 12 DC3s (2 on order)
  • 13 Cessna 152 2 seaters
  • 8 paper planes
  • 100 flying bombs
  • 2 Wright brothers planes doing the sydney london no stop routes.
  • 4 gliders
  • 1 Newton bus
  • 4 bicycles
  • Inflight entertainment: Mrs. Papageorges rugby movie
  • Head pilot: M. Blackwell (Newton bus)
  • 18 Islamic Terrorists
  • Head air hostess writing lady (plays the rugby movie) on the paper plane
  • 3 harriers
  • 2 tactical nukes
  • 1 broom stick

See also[edit | edit source]

  1. Taken from Gloria Qantas (Pam Ann)