Air Zimbabwe

What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? You're trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION! WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET 'EM!!!

“This airline is the Qantas of Africa”

~ Robert Mugabe

Air Zimbabwe is the flagship national airline of Africa's most pleasant country, Zimbabwe. It is known as Zimbabwe's finest airline due to having the highest safety standards of any airline in said nation (recording an average of 900a small number of deaths a week). Despite the terriblesuperb safety record, Air Zimbabwe is also famous for a 95% rate of passengers boarding for the purpose of suicide. But everyone knows that's Western propaganda, surely??
The vast majority of Air Zimbabwe aircraft take off with nofuel, with the world's worst finest pilots praying to god they will somehow make it to the airportsipping cocktails and talking to each other while the crappyworld class autopilot does all the work.
Air Zimbabwe; "Panowuya imwe nguva yamunoda kukandwa zvinotyisa kupfura mudenga muhure yesimbi inofamba nemoto inoputika; fungai isusu." (next time you want to hurtle through the skies in a pressurized metal tube powered by exploding fuel; think of us).

Fleet

Boeing 767-100 of Air Zimbabwe!!

Air Zimbabwe's fleet comprises 3 drunk flying pigs and a wet fish

In detail, the fleet consists of 3, heavily damaged, Boeing 707 that run in one-tenth of of the total fuel capacity per trip.

The 'wet fish' is the greatest plane in Air Zimbabwe's history, and probably the whole world. It has endured 3 shots of stinger missiles and a 15 mile marathon while under fire by Nazi AA Guns. Because of the plane's proud, enduring flight, it has not been repaired. Ever.

Notable Destinations

• Tripoli
• Harare
• London
• Mugabegrad
• (Insert Mugabe holiday destination here)
• Numerous crash sites throughout Africa.
• Johannesburg
• Cincinnati
• Melbourne
• Equatorial Guinea
• Ethiopia

Welcome

Air Zimbabwe, among other things is famous for its welcome to its passengers. This is a traditional welcome used by pilots before take off:

“ Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Air Zimbabwe. This is your captain Tobias Wilcox welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Air Zimbabwe from Gatwick, London. We apologize for the 4 week delay, it was due to bad weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight RM1980 to Harare. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we might end up somewhere in Zimbabwe. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your hotel. Air Zimbabwe has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that terrorists refuse to fly with us.

It is with pleasure, I am pleased to announce that over 30% of our passengers reached their destination within this year. Our extremely powerful engines may become too noisy for you. Of course, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary PG Tipps and Wagon Wheels.

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God.

We regret to inform you that today's advertised in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to tape The Wizard of Oz on ZBC last night. Smoking is permitted. You may occasionally see smoke outside of the airplane, do not be alarmed as this is merely our engine's early warning system. Should the early warning system activate whilst we are still on the tarmac, no problem, it's just warning me especially early to be safe.

If you notice the plane doing somersaults, once again do not be alarmed as I will be back in the cockpit as soon as the drinks are served.

For your viewing pleasure, we try to fly as close as possible to all Landmarks across the continent. Admittedly this resulted in the deaths of 58 last week but we have since renewed our policies and no longer allow Americans over the weight of 200lbs to fly, as this tends to destabilize the aircraft. Please inform you stewardess if we are flying too close for your liking and tranquilizer will be freely supplied to you.

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. If you do not have a belt or can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to the floor

”

Good day and thank you for flying Air Zimbabwe.

Meals

Once again, Air Zimbabwe is famous for the meals it provides. This promotional video, supplied by Air Zimbabwe, shows this:

Untrue Rumours

• Air Zimbabwe is NOT the worst airline in the world.
• Air Zimbabwe DOES care about it's passengers safety.
• Air Zimbabwe DOES provide the safest service between Cincinnati and Los Angeles without flying to Melbourne
• Air Zimbabwe DOES allow furries to use it's planes.
• Air Zimbabwe DOES allow smoking (even the engines are allowed to smoke, especially when we're crashing into the Congo)
• Air Zimbabwe's planes were NOT purchased from the Russian Air Force.
• Air Zimbabwe has NOT experienced 20 crashes, The 19 that did happen have resulted in a change of policy, all Americans must be weighed before they board.
• Air Zimbabwe's fleet DOES NOT consist of Douglas DC-3s from 1945. It consists of stolen broken seminew Boeing 707 directly from the 1960s section of the Mojave Airplane junkpile.

BLACK PIGS! Please refer to Robert Mugabe for further information on these facts. We hope you good luck! Please fly Air Zimbabwe on your way there (hope you don't get hit by a truck on the way).

In flight extras

Are not available, since the currency required to pay for them would destabilise the aircraft. This is all the fault of the British, who exercise absolute power in Zimbabwe and It Has Nothing At All To Do With The Government.

Official Enemies of Air Zimbabwe

1. Gravity
2. Lift
3. Drag
4. Turbulence
5. Wind
6. Air
7. Ground
8. Physics
9. Metal
10. Passengers
11. Money

In the event of an emergency

Please make your way at extreme velocity to the front of the aircraft (or section thereof). If you are unable to do so, distribute your body parts at wide intervals to make it easier for search & rescue personnel to locate and identify you.

Your seat base contains a life jacket, and your seat cushion may be used a a flotation device if you know how to float. And have a seat cushion. Or a seat, for that matter.

Thank you for flying Air Zimbabwe, and we hope you survive your flight.

See also

• Qantas
• Robert Mugabe
• Why?: Not fly Air Zimbabwe?