Invisible Fighter

IF-1 "If"

“I have a hard time seeing that plane.”

~ Captain Obvious on IF-1 "If"

Artist's impression of the IF-1 "If".

Nobody has really seen an IF-1, mostly cause its classified but also because it is invisible. It most likely has wings and an engine. Also it is maybe flown by a pilot. All of this is cause for speculation. It is really hard to explain so if you will please divert your attention to the nearby photograph, you'll see a great artists rendition As you can see, the IF-1 is a very futuristic and beautiful aircraft. However, its appearance generally changes at night due to the reactive paint scheme.

Design History

Many problems occurred during the design process. Most of these occurred because the XIF-1 was very hard to see and therefore many migrant workers had huge problems seeing the aircraft. There were many injures encountered from workers walking right into the pieces and not even knowing they where there. Nobody really knows who first created the "If". There have been reports that IF-1s may have been used by the Nazi in World War II. However, nobody really had strong evidence until a few photographs were taken of the aircraft in the German night sky. This "Invisible Fighter Pic" was the reason that the United States to begin construction of there own prototype IF-1. By contracting the Free Masons and the FBI they were able to create an invisible fighter that spawned all sorts of conspiracy theory's ranging from the conceivable (aliens from Mars created it) to the completely inconceivable (the United States manufactured it). In true American fashion, early prototypes were built by hordes of underpaid, unskilled workers. It was subject to many government budget cuts but finally entered service in early 1952. After it entered service, there were many complaints from people such as bird watchers, aviation enthusiasts and aviation photographers. The following is an exert from an interview held at an airshow.

-Redneck Enthusiast- "How are we supposed to take pictures of it if we can't see it?"

-Huge Military Guy- "You don't. And anyways, in Russia, Invisible Fighter photographs you!"

-Redneck Enthusiast- "But then I don't know what it looks like because I can't see it"

-Huge Military Guy- "That's the point."

Obviously, rednecks aren't smart.

Military service History

The so called "Invisible Fighter Pic", taken by a bomber crew at night

The IF-1 was used in many military actions after it entered service. However, we really don't have any records of it because it was invisible and we couldn't really take pictures. All we know is that Wedge Antilles flew one over the jungles of Nam and "If" pilots have racked up a whole lot of kills over the past few years. They had a great combat record until they participated in the Iraq War campaign. During this war one was shot down by a flying suicide bomber. The pilot was betrayed by Jane Fonda. There has since been a lot of outcry against IF-1 missions because the stupid press got angry that somebody died in one of these aircraft. They got mad because this was so much different than other aircraft in war where nobody ever dies. These wild press reports infuriated so many IF-1 pilots that they became Nazi pilots and are now waging war against the United States. In fact you can look right outside your window right now and probably see an "If".

Things IF-1s do pretty well

"Ifs" pretty much own up on everything. They are personally responsible for the destruction of the Former Republic of Yugoslavia, Czechoslovakia, Soviet Russia, Nazi Germany, ancient Mesopotamia and even Pangaea. IF-1s are also pretty good at being Invisible. They are not good at much else, especially passing the SAT. The ladies love them though.

People Who Fly IF-1s

An extremely talented pilot starts to board his aircraft

The people who fly "Ifs" are pretty much amazing. You can't even comprehend the amazingness that is an IF-1 pilots. If you look up Amazing in the dictionary, you'll see IF-1 Pilot under it. Here's some people who fly them.

• Tom Cruise (Top Gun II)
• Your Mom
• Chuck Norris (Obviously)

Redesignation

After the year 2009, the Invisible Fighter was redesignated the IF-1 "If". The IF-1 was bought by the Soviet Galactic Battle Fleet, and used as a deadly weapon. Unfortunately, the "If" was very weak against more dangerous adversaries, like the Yak-1000. After the main battle, the remaining IF-1s were sold to private pilots, who operate them for fun. Is it fast? Yes. Is it weak and worthless? Yes. Every document, including this one, had the Invisible Fighter renamed the IF-1.

Specifications: (IF-1A "If")

General characteristics

Crew: 1. Duh.

Length: 40 ft

Wingspan: 20 ft

Height: 15 ft

Wing area: 170 ft²

Empty weight: 0 lb

Loaded weight: 99 Quadrillion lb

Max takeoff weight: 100 Quadrillion lb

Engine: 1× Communist Black Hole Generator, 1 Trillion pounds of thrust.

Performance

Maximum speed: 100 Million mph

Cruise speed: 75 Million mph

Range: Infinite (It is very efficient)

Ferry range: Infinite with external tanks

Service ceiling: It can fly anywhere in space

Rate of climb: Unlimited feet in 10 seconds

Wing loading: 0 lb/ft²

Thrust/weight (Empty): 1 Trillion lbf/lb

Armament

200 20mm Lightning-charged Uber Cannons, unlimited rounds/gun

Up to infinite pounds of rockets and bombs, including six Mark 7 nuclear bombs

Avionics

A gunsight with radar and a radio.