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“Once, a young man came to me and asked how to explode. I replied, 'Just bend over, darling, and I'll show you.'”
Exploding is recognized worldwide as a post-modernistic romanticist means of expression through spontaneous combustion. Exploding has often been acknowledged as one of the most difficult actions to ever attempt, but here is a quick list of directions to do so in the quickest manner. Remember that if any of these methods is successful, you cannot try the other ones. That said, these methods of explosion are great to try in a crowded shopping mall, on the Gaza strip, or at a family reunion. The kids will love it. This page also explains how to asplode as well as explode.
Surgeon General's Warning: Attempting to Explode may result in several unforeseen symptoms, such as
- implosive heart attacks(O_o)
- dirty pants
- WET pants
- missing limbs
- severe hang-overs
First, choose a path. There are many ways to incur explosions, and be aware that this process has a 97% fatality rate, with the other 3% having only their head intact. However, sometimes the explosion will leave someone a stub, making their lives even worse. So, proceed at your own risk, which we highly recommend for some good laughs.
Generic Explosion Directions
- 1) Gather one (or two, depending on the potency of the explosion you want to occur) of the following items: Grenade, Bomb or Missile. Also, for ease of use, gather a hammer as well, it aids in the speed of activation. If you have trouble finding these, call Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He will help.
- 2) Sit in a well aired location. Failure to do so may result in disentegration.
- 3) Place explosive in lap.
(NOTE: Pick your choice of action for step 4.)
- 4a) If you did not take the hammer, manually activate your selected explosive device. Do NOT move.
- 4b) If you did take the hammer, proceed to beat it upon the explosive until the explosion occurs.
- 5) Enjoy!
Then when there all dead laugh and say bkaw
Mexican/Chinese Explosion Directions
- 1) Visit a local Mexican restaurant.
- 2) Buy X burritos. (This X number can increase or decrease depends on the destructive force you desire to occur.)
- 3) Visit a Chinese restaurant.
- 4) Buy X orders of any selected food. (This X number can increase or decrease depending on the size of explosion you wish.)
- 5) Mix the burritos and your selected Chinese, as this will increase the addictive capabilities of the Burritos, as all Chinese food is addictive.
- 6) Eat your creation.
(NOTE: Pick your choice of action for step 7.)
- 7a) Leap up and down, for as long as it takes, if it fails to incur explosion, eat more.
- 7b) Repeatedly beat yourself into a wall until explosion occurs.
- 8) If explosion still does not occur, drink a bottle of Tabasco sauce.
- 9) Enjoy!
Pop Rocks and Coke Directions
- 1) Gather the following materials:
- X bags of Pop Rocks (X can be more or less for different results.)
- X bottles of Coke (X can be more or less for different results. Flavor is irrelevant.)
- A large bottle of whiskey, or another addictive alcoholic beverage.
- 2) Open all bags of Pop Rocks and eat. Do NOT allow them to stay in your mouth for too long (see picture).
- 2a) Mix the Coke and selected Alcohol together.
- 3) Drink the Coke/Alcohol mixture.
- 4) For extra effect, leap up and down to mix all together.
- 5) Enjoy!
(note: you may have heard that Mikey from the Life Cereal commercial performed this explosion, but it is an urban legend. Mikey was in fact a fictional character and fictional characters can't be exploded.)
Match Up the Ass Directions
- Get at least one match.
- Drink at least four beers.
- Get something to strike match on, such as a rock, your teeth, or a matchbox.
- Light the match by striking it against whatever you used to light it. This step is crucial for any explosion to take place. If you avoid this step, then step 6 will never happen.
- Now it is important that you (carefully) shove the lit match all the way up your ass. Missing your ass will fail to cause a sufficient explosion, instead causing mild pain near your legs. Hold it there until you start to hear some popping. The popping, which is pockets of intestinal gas going off, will start a chain reaction.
- If you are reading this step, you have failed to either a: light the match or b: insert the match into your ass properly. Repeat steps 1-5 until you reach step 6.
See Ass Candling.
- Eat bean burritos and spicy sausage.
- Let it sit for about 5 or 6 hours.
- Go into the nearest Port-a-John.
- Take a large dump.
- Wait for a few seconds for the fumes to creep up, but don't wait too long, for you might suffocate.
- Light match.
This is one of the easiest methods of exploding oneself, especially the head.
- Sit down at a table.
- Write down the following equation in x:
- Fail to consider that x might be zero.
- Divide by x. (Note: This might also tear a hole in our space time continuum)
Note that such explosions have been known to occur accidentally while learning quadratic equations.
"Take Everybody With You" Method
- Buy some high-quality explosives from your local Jihad Mart
- Buy duct tape from your local hardware store.
- Duct tape explosives to your chest.
- Walk into a crowded bank, toys r' us, hooters, market, park, or bus terminal.
- Open your trenchcoat to reveal explosives.
- Yell "PRAISE <insert religious deity here>!"
- Wait for a few seconds while the people in the immediate vicinity get it.
- Push button to activate explosives.
Congratulations! You have made world headlines!
Energy Drink Method
- Drink three or more energy drinks in a 30 minute period.
You will not "asplode" from drinking energy drinks. That just isn't how it happens. First it goes to your thighs, THEN you asplode!!