Palestine
ليش قاعد تقرأ هالكلام؟ Destroyed State of Palestine | |||||
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| |||||
| Motto: Tunnel Snakes Rule! | |||||
| Capital | Jerusalem | ||||
| Demonym | Terrorist | ||||
| Official language(s) | Arabic | ||||
| Currency | Bombs | ||||
| Religion |
| ||||
Palestine is a small, impoverished nation in the Middle East made up mostly of large piles of rubble and the corpses of dead children strewn across what were once streets. It is most known for inventing the yummy chickpea-based dip hummus. The people of this country, called Palestinians,[1] live in a geopolitical quantum state of superposition, either existing as a people with their own culture many hundreds of years old, or as a fictional ethnic group invented by OPEC in the 1960s.
Palestine is separated into two non-contiguous areas: the Gaza strip, which (prior to the October 7th attacks) was run mainly by Hamas, and the West Bank, run mainly by Israel, with the Palestinian Authority mostly providing moral support.
History
Ancient times
According to the Bible, the land known as Palestine was first promised to Abraham's family, who became the Hebrews. God, in His infinite wisdom, decided to bequeath the ancient Hebrews a land already peopled with Canaanites and Philistines and Amaleks, among others. Why he didn't just give the Hebrews a nice island or peninsula to chill in, God only knows. Moses, having pissed God off with his stunt with the rock,[2] died before he could set his eyes on the Promised Land, and Joshua was set with the task to mercilessly exterminate everyone already living there.
Some time passes, in which the newly-minted Israelites devolve into child sacrifice and debauchery and must be castigated by a long progression of prophets to uphold their covenant with God and reject the corruption of the outsiders.[3]
Archaeology tells a different story: rather than conquering Canaan, the first Israelites may have been nomadic pastoralists who slowly settled and integrated with the locals, or a peasant class of Canaanites themselves, who revolted against the elite. The Canaanites, rather than dying out, became some of the ancestors of the Levantine people today, including the Palestinians.
From time immemorial
Joan Peters, author of the 1984 book, "From Time Immemorial", presents a slightly different narrative from the modern historical understanding of the region: after being conquered by the Assyrians and conquered and exiled by the Babylonians and then conquered and exiled by the Romans, Israel was left completely deserted, with not so much as a tent or a wandering goat to be seen for miles around. This state of emptiness persisted for thousands of years until the 1900s, when the first wave of Zionist settlers re-established Israel, turning what was once desert into a verdant paradise.
The Ottoman Turks, sensing an opportunity to leech off the fruits of civilization created by the kibbutzim, took a large group of their most derelict losers, invented a few cultural and historical traditions, and invented a new group called the "Palestinians", setting them loose onto the Levant to weep and moan and grift U.N. dollars. This narrative has naturally been rejected by Palestinians, as well as most mainstream historians.
Palestine today
In World War I the United Kingdom had promised to Palestine the recognition of a full Arab nation if they were to revolt against the Turks, but then later the very same British government promised the Jews the foundation of a new Jewish homeland, thereby double-booking the Levant. Alas, the British sent all their Jews to Palestine, where they created a new state named Israel, which slowly took over the former Palestine.
Britain's deadbeat son, also known as the United States, helped the Israelis continue their expansion towards the Palestinian region, all the while starting a new Crusade against the Arabs led by the Holy Christian King George W. Bush. The American government started lynching the Arabs like crazy, and dared to call anyone who opposed this slaughter "antisemitic", despite the fact that Bush himself is the grandson of a Nazi sympathizer.
Currently, the State of Palestine is being systematically dismantled, as part of an Israeli-led fire sale of cheap real estate to prospective foreign buyers, including Donald Trump.
See also
Notes
- ↑ Or Legitimate Targets in Hebrew.
- ↑ Numbers 20:1-13
- ↑ Some scholars believe these prophets, like Jeremiah, Isaiah and Zephaniah, may have been Mormon, on account of their funny names and white beards.
 | This article needs to be grown |