The Schmenklic Empire of Jewistan
|Anthem: "Waltz with Mathilda"|
|Largest city||Tel Aviv|
|Official language(s)||Hebrew, Arabic|
|Government||House of David|
|The Queen||Princess Diana II|
|National Hero(es)||Gal Gadot|
Jewtopia, otherwise known by its official name, The Schmenklic Empire of Jewistan (Hebrew: ישראל, Yiddish: יאעסרעאעעייל, English: The Kike Reich, American: Foreign Aid Black Hole, Arabic: Palestine) is the only gay nightclub in the Middle East, run by Vin Diesel. It is commonly referred to as "the friendliest place on Earth" and is well known for the army-techno outfit of its bouncers. It is in fact so popular that a number of entrances are required to co-ordinate the club-goers. The dress code, through a stroke of trendy genius, consists of sandals and a yarmulka as the only requirement. These are known as checkpoints, and the queues are especially long on the side of the Philistines, few of whom are admitted to the established arts venue.
A 1980s spin-off of Fabric in London, it has attracted Poles, Russians and Germans especially among other party-goers. It is the sister-club of Golder's Green in North London, England, and Brooklyn in New York. A favorite theme night is Demolition! where groups of industrial Kibbutz owners drive Caterpillar tractors. Another favorite night is Blow-up! where members fill condoms with helium, and float them all over the Middle East, just to piss them off. Israel is often described by actors as "the promised land". Israel was big for drag racing in the 1960s, when the manager was the world-renowned drag racer Mother Teresa.
It is difficult to talk about Israel without running into controversy. Indeed, the topic is so sensitive that any attempt to ascertain the facts about it could easily make the situation over there worse than it already is. For this reason, what follows is deliberately erroneous, poorly put together and badly spelled. All in the name of peace, you understand. It's a country where even the disputes it is involved in are currently being disputed by its people, who all sound angry American-ish mixed with a bit of evil Dutch. No really they do! Listen to one on the news, honest! What can be said with certainty, however, is that Israel might be a thing. Or it might not be. It's all a matter of perspective.
But the fact that's made Israel world-widely known is that through the time, so many people, scientists, bean men, singers, labors, Persians, Greeks, Arabs, Jews, Christians, Muslims, Turks, Anglo-Saxons, Frenchies, Russians, Baha'ullah, Prophet Muhammad, Prophet Buddha, Prophet Jesus, Prophet Moses, and, reportedly, Elvis Presley have enjoyed falafel with hummus there.
Israel is first mentioned in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, version 2.08beta, within a list of places where light seemingly travels slower than rumors.
It is also mentioned in the Bible, but Christians refuse to believe so. If you were to show a mention of Israel in the Bible to a Christian, you would likely get a response along the lines of, "Israel? Where? I ain't seein' no Israel, dawg. It's probably the Matrix." The Pope was shown the passage and proceeded to electrocute it with his fingers and force-strangle a nun.
Originally, Israel was a website, Eincyclopedia, where Jews could chat with other Jews about Jew issues, maybe meet up after work and take it from there. For many centuries, this was a thriving Internet community and it came up with a whole range of in-jokes, from cutting off the end of your knob to shrugging. Notable members included Moses, Woody Allen, Jesus, and Kyle from South Park. It was at this site that Jews all over the world decided their international currency would be glass pearls, as it still is, making the top priority of the Israeli secret police stopping production of fake glass pearls. These are made in great tunnel networks by underpaid Palestinians and are made of hollow plastic.
However, the site came under threat when a flame war started with members of a user forum for the popular Nero CD-burning software. This resulted in Eincyclopedia's being shut down and replaced with a holding page for nearly two thousand years.
Israel was made by the cast of Jersey Shore. That was back in 2005. Now, Thor runs the place. He lights it on fire a lot.
Establishment of the State of Israel
After years of oppression and money laundering, the Jews were in desperate need of beachfront condos for their Bubbes, Auntie Mabels, and Uncle Solomons. In 1914, the Zionist Convention decided that the best Jewish vacation spots were in Jerusalem (for the shopping centers), Haifa (for the beaches) and Ashkelon (for Chaim's Kosher Deli). These were all conveniently located in the Muslim Ottoman Empire. In order to avoid paying extra tax for their homes, the Jews decided to create their own country there. Unfortunately for them, Britain got it first after WWI.
After WWII, Jews fled their homes to British Palestine to the company of their fellow Jews. The Arab neighbors made the Jews feel right at home by shouting loudly, heiling Hitler, and blowing up synagogues. Ah, just like the old country.
However, the last straw was when the Arabs started playing their music too loudly. The old Jewish residents, unable to have their bedtime at 6:00 sharp, kvetched to the UN to "make them stop that damn racket!"
The United Nations then split the land by letting an official's young daughter draw squiggly lines all over the map. But they knew Jerusalem still had unsold homes for sale overlooking the Temple Mount and market square. With a few handshakes and a couple of bribes, the UN took control of Jerusalem, its citizens, and those precious townhouses.
Immediately the Jews and Arabs banded together to free Jerusalem from the UN oppression. Upon its capture by Jordan and Israel, the clock struck noon, which meant it was prayer time for all the Arabs. While they were squatting on their prayer mats facing Mecca, the Jews stole the map of British Palestine and redrew it. After that, the Jews not only controlled half of Jerusalem, they owned the most valuable properties in all of Palestine. The rest was left to the Palestinians.
Some scholars believe the Convention painstakingly worked to invent the ultimate government. After months of befuddlement, however, there was suddenly an epiphany: the new Israel would be governed by a three-branch government, consisting of mothers-in-law, The Council of Every Guy who Ever Tried to sell you an Insurance Policy, and The Select Council of Telemarketers from the Sabra Home Shopping Network. It was believed this would work better than the previous system of taking a poll of ten Israeli cab drivers and falafel vendors, since they were considered to be too much a part of the political elite, and not accessible enough to the average citizen. This would include a council who got messages straight from God. Theoretically, as long as the King listened to the prophet, nothing could go wrong at all.
Some scholars believe this hardly ever happened, though. Some scholars believe the most startling failure of the Jewish Kings was in the year 2000 when Queen Ehud ignored a message from Rami Fortis and instead went out to lunch with Camp David, a friend of Bill Clinton. After one too many Bacardi and cokes, Queen Ehud agreed that the Jews would give Israel back to the Arabs just so long as they would be allowed to hang on to New York.
There is still an unresolved issue about the geographical location of Israel. Two EU bureaus, UEFA and Eurovision, strongly believe that Israel is a western-central European country. There are plans to build a border between Iceland and Israel, just to make the thing more official. A second school of geography advanced by the EU's archnemesis, the United Nations, insists that, since Israel is the only country in the UN not allowed to hold a seat on the UN Security Council, it follows that Israel must not belong to any of the five global geographic regions recognized in the UN, and therefore must not be on the planet Earth.
Some scholars believe things are looking up for Israel both economically and technologically; they argue that a significant and unending oil deposit was found under the glaciers of the Negev desert, and golden nuggets are now officially a part of any dignified hailstone dropped upon the surface. Another sign pointing to Israel's economic success is that Israeli scientists managed to harness the power of moving snails carrying CDs as a new source of telecommunications, estimated twenty times faster than DSL. The most compelling argument, however, is that Israel possesses a cleaning material called "Economica".
Some debate the existence of Israel. Palestinians still fail to refer to it as such, but instead identify it as "WannabeRael". The UN and Israel (as we know it) are attempting to unify Palestine and Israel in order to form a new nation: Keepin'itRael. Iran on the other hand has made known its determination for military action and currently refer to the nation as "Soon2notbeRael".
Some scholars believe things are less optimistic in terms of foreign diplomacy. It is well known that Israel does not have an army, but it is rumored that ninja chickens are on their way after finally conquering Brazil. George W. Bush stated his forces are preoccupied in the War on Terrorism, back in Fairyland, so the U.S.A. will not be able to help their great ally Israel this time, but a White House insider tells us that some scholars believe Bush changed his mind after reading the second sentence in this paragraph.
Ongoing trade talks with the Japanese are hoped to lead to an exchange of technology, in which Israel shall get the technology to create and control Godzilla, build gigantic robots, and create and deploy magical girls for reasons of warfare, all in exchange for a really good chicken recipe stored in Solomon's vault under the "Dome of the Rock". Divisions of female I.C.F. (Israeli Chicken-ninja Force) members are already being trained for future use as pilots of gigantic robots or magical girls for when the technology becomes available.
The current Queen, Princess, Prime Ministress, Presidette and Ministress of Beef of Israel is Keren Peles. The rest of the Israeli politicians (also known as "some scholars") have to do exactly what she says, or she will expose herself to them. The current ruling party is Likud, short for "Lick wood", also known as "Salem, the wood-licking witches who will divide Jerusalem".
In the upcoming elections for the second Knesset, the clear favorites are Likud; yet, one of the following parties could give them some fight:
- Israeli Labor Party, also known as Orphaned Land, the party that will multiply Jerusalem.
- Betzefer, the party that will add Jerusalem.
- Kadima, also known as Melechesh, the party that will integrate Jerusalem with respect to Tel Aviv.
- Arallu, the party that will subtract Jerusalem from Jerusalem artichoke and then choke in an artistic manner.
It is quite clear that anyone who opposes Israel is a Nazi. But really it's the Israelis who are Nazis, even though they're Jews, but they're still Nazis. So in conclusion, anyone who supports, does not oppose, does not support, or opposes Israel is a Nazi. Wait, how does that work? I'm confused, what's a Nazi again? Is that Russia? Hold on, where's Russia? It's in the Middle East I think. Naftali Bennett, the Israeli male Prime Minister, has remained silent on the subject, other than to say that "Israel will not be the first to introduce Godwin's law into the Middle Earth," speaking at the Waltz with Bashir movie premier at the Cannes Film Festival.
People usually mistake Israel's happiness-rays, health-machines, food packages and candy corn spray for oppression, tanks, bombs and flamethrowers. But in reality the Israelis are actually very nice to the Palestinians. Really, they hang out with them, like, all the time. Palestine gets invited to parties, and barbecues, and, and, and, they sometimes just hang out in the house they share, cause they go waaaaaaay back. Cause Israel and Palestine, they're really bestest friends in the WHOOOOOOOOLE world. This one time, they got soooo wasted, and their Gods got pissed, so they had to disappear for a while. This other guy, Ottoman, he took care of their crib while they were in Europe, and then he died, but this other cool guy Britain took it for them, and gave it back to Israel after Israel got kicked out of Europe. Then Palestine got evicted, but Israel are still paying their rent, so it's all cool.
- Eincyclopedia, the Hebrew-language Uncyclopedia