Kingdom of the Two Sicilies

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Map of Kingdom of the Two Sicilies just after creating it.

“I have to admit it was a good joke.”

~ God on creating Second Sicily

“I think I would be able to create three Sicilies or even four.”

~ George Clooney on being more powerful than God

The start of the tale[edit | edit source]

It was a nice and sunny day in Sicily in the year 1816. Sicily was as usual moored next to Italy but was at this time politically part of the of Kingdom of Naples. It had been a long and typically hot night on the island and slowly some Sicilians who lived on the western coast were stumbled out of their beds to throw open the shutters. Feeling the warmth of the sun on their skin and rubbing their eyes, they looked on in amazement. A brand new island was lying next door and it looked strangely familiar.

The news of this discovery spread across Sicily with the speed of a horse stung by a wasp, being chased by the owner of a pet food factory. Soon the beaches and cliffs of Sicily's west coast were crowded by people trying to get a better look at their new neighbour. Others prayed in church thinking this must be the devil's work but other, braver souls took to ships and sailed closer to investigate.

They were in for a shock. As their boats came closer, they were greeted by a flotilla heading towards them. These strangers were wearing the same clothes as they were and even the people in the ships looked like them too. Then the penny - or lira in this case - dropped. They were not just alike, these people were identical. The Island of Sicily had acquired a twin - and it too was called Sicily. What just was going on?

Those boats that were closest to each other at first stared for awhile not knowing what to do. Then one called Mario Sinatra decided to edge his own little sailing boat to a man who looked exactly like him.

Who are you ?, asked Mario Sinatra.

My name is Mario Sinatra, replied the stranger.

That is uncanny. That is my name as well and I live in Sicily..

The other Mario then replied...

That cannot be. I am from Sicily too - and when I mean Sicily, the island I mean is that one... and he pointed to the island behind him.

No... I am from Sicily, replied Mario. You were not here yesterday.

Neither were you.

The two Marios returned to their friends to relate the conversation they just had. Both flotillas then exchanged letters and returned back to their respective islands of Sicily to ponder on what to do next.

Combustible Bishops[edit | edit source]

One person who was pleased he had 'another Sicily' was King Ferdinand of Naples. His royal title was already 'King of Naples and Sicily' -- so he now claimed to be 'King of Naples and Sicily and Another Sicily' and sent a ship to his new domain to collect back taxes, claim property and traditional exploitation of rights exercised by any of your common or garden-variety despots.

However, when the ship arrived, it was unable to anchor and this same problem kept being repeated. Everytime a ship went there, it couldn't land and when a sailor tried to swim to the new island, he was swallowed up by the sea and disappeared. Letters were exchanged and the new Sicilians apologised but really, they had no idea what was going on.

The next strange development was witnessed a few weeks later. A bishop walking along the sea front at Messina, suddenly burst into flames and ended up as a pile of ash. This phenomena was then seen by others, in their own families or with friends. Suddenly the person they were speaking to would literally go up in a puff of smoke. It seemed to be the work of the devil again and churches were attracting more people trying to find out what was happening.

An Interesting Observation[edit | edit source]

The answer for why it was impossible to visit the Second Sicily and the reason why some islanders were coming to an unexpected fiery end was eventually supplied by Professor Luigi Buffo. He came up with the theory that as the new Sicily was an exact copy of the real one, down to its inhabitants, if someone died on that island, his or her 'clone' would equally ceased to exist. This startling discovery was confirmed when a letter from the other Sicily also talked off its inhabitants suddenly dying without any reason - though in their case, the people would dissolve into wine.

However, new Sicilians were still able to go to the old Sicily and live there, and (what's most interesting) they could kill actual Sicilians without getting the self-ignition. This was revealed in 1833 in the case of Alessandro Pocorelli v. Alessandro Pocorelli, where Pocorelli killed Pocorelli. The sentence was a binding precedent and stated that Pocorelli, by killing himself, actually committed suicide and therefore he cannot be accused of any kind of murder. Pocorelli was found not guilty. Because of that, the decision of the Supreme Court of Kingdom of The Two Sicilies was as follows: Nobody can be sentenced for committing actions on themselves even if it is masochistic because it would be against freedom and the liberal douchbags.

Problems with the name[edit | edit source]

There were significant problems with the name of the new island named Sicily:

  • Nobody knew to which Sicily they should go, or send letters to. Actually people and places looked the same, but from the moment of creation of the new Sicily, clones started to live their own independent lives (excluding spontaneous combustion history). The problem was partially solved by a magic border around the new Sicily that did not let anybody to get onto the island... But by partially we mean They were choosing the wrong destination and they were dying at the coasts... But the unit that suffered the most was the Post Office of Kingdom of the Two Sicilies which was getting big loses as many of its deliveries to Sicily was lost without any explanation. With accordance to the Post Office Law of The Kingdom of The Two Sicilies, they had to pay compensation worth three times of the actual value of delivery (which was estimated subjectively by sufferer and Post Office had no way to appeal for his estimation).
  • And when we are talking about independent life... Some clones started stealing the lives of the original Sicilians. This includes sleeping with wives of old Sicilians, using their credit cards and taking their jobs. That was actually permitted by the sentence in Pocorelli v. Pocorelli case. And as the police couldn't legally prevent those actions, many villages organised self-defence common movements but they were ineffective because the old Sicilians preferred sneaking into the original Sicilians' houses under cover of night and then do certain things like theft or raping.
  • Most maps did not take the new Sicily into account. Therefore all boats and ships that were sailing on the Mediterranean Sea close to the new Sicily (and had no idea about existence of new island) were shipwrecked on its coasts.
  • Well, the name Kingdom of Two Sicilies was funny, thus nobody could take country named like that with respect. Actually, everyone laughed when they heard that name. If You don't get it, try to imagine Kingdom of Two Australias, Kingdom of Two Spains, Kingdom of Two Great Britains, Kingdom of Two Croatias, Kingdom of Two Irelands... Oh wait. There are actually two Irelands.

These problems were eventually solved -- within the Kingdom, at least -- by referring to the two islands as Sicily 1 and Sicily A, respectively.

The end of the Kingdom of the Two Sicilies[edit | edit source]

Kingdom of Two Sicilies was overthrown in 1860 when Giuseppe Garibaldi took one thousand soldiers and attacked Two Sicilies mercilessly murdering many peasants. Actually there were over ten millions of Double Sicilians but they were too confused about all the mess with stolen cards and ravished wives so they were not in mood for fight. There was so much blood shed that Garibaldi's soldiers decided not to wash their shirts and henceforth, became known as the red T-Shirts. They then tried to march on Rome but the Pope told them to go away until 1870.

A few days later, the other Sicily simply disappeared, vanished into thin air. This was bad luck for anyone visiting the Second Sicily but after a few weeks, everyone seemed to have got over it. Only few wondered what had happened and what it all meant in the great scheme of life... but even they gave up and eventually it was denied that the Second Sicily had ever existed in the first place.

Destiny of Second Sicily[edit | edit source]

But what really happened to Second Sicily (as it was named in 1846)? [1] Well, some say that God was tired with his joke of creating alternative Sicily and just destroyed it with some kind of meteor or something... But atheists say that there is no God and it was Napoleon who really built Second Sicily just to show his power, and copied original Sicilians using his DNA-Copy machine, and he proudly destroyed it after he was bored with this idea and meeting the same people in completely different places.

Actually, this time, Christians are probably right.

The Sinatra Connection[edit | edit source]

One interesting survivor of the Two Sicilies story was Mario Sinatra. His grandson Antonino Martino Sinatra emigrated to the USA in 1903 with his family. One of the songs he sang to his son Frank Sinatra was a little number he called Sicilia, Sicilia. In translation this song went like this :-

Start Spreading the News ,
I've Seen It Today,
I Want To Sing About ,
Sicily , Sicily ..

The lyrics were later changed to New York, New York but in origins, the song was originally inspired by the Two Sicilies.

References[edit | edit source]

  1. Well, actually some maps stated to include Second Sicily in 1854 but that maps were obsolete 6 years later