Zambia

What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? You're trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION! WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET 'EM!!!

Obligatory picture of Lion...because Zambia's in Africa duh!

“Non-existent”

~ Oscar Wilde on Zambian football

“I've been there, I especially loved walking up Table Mountain”

~ Sarah Palin on Zambia

“The ocean views are amazing”

~ David Beckham on Zambia

“Anyone see's my zebra please tell me?”

~ Dexter Mwiinga on zambian zebra's

“OMG! I really love the Zambian seafood cuisine!! I ate sushi near the Lusaka Beach and also make a huge sand castle dickhead shaped there ”

~ Paris Hilton

Fucking Africans think they can name their countries anything. I mean ,Zambia, really? That's like naming your kid Coconomo because it sounds cool. Africans just don't respect the rules.

DEXTER/BILLY MWIINGA AND HIS ZEBRA.Zambia is a land-locked country in Southern Africa. It gained independance from Mordor after the holy battle of 107 894 BC.It is a nation of rebels who live in large favelas and make hip hop and drum & bass music using Garage Band on the Mac. Zambia's chief exports are Drum&Bass music, Q-fm via internet stream, and Zambian actor's (Denzel 'thinking he's American' Washington, Osama bin laden, Wesley 'tax evader' Snipes,Zinaldo,Mario and Mel Gibson). Zambian's are known for their good looks, awesome accents and Bella weaves.

Culture

The traditional Bamba,usually worn baggy (as if a massive load has just been dropped) is a favourite among virginal males over 30 and Rhino drinking grannys. Its contraceptive powers have proved priceless in the fight against the HIV/AIDS pandemic that has swept mercilessly over sub-saharan Africa

Zambian culture used to be racism. Makaradis were the worst offenders, walling themselves up in Thorne Park whilst throwing Mosi bottles at Muntus. Favourite makaradi pass times include fighting at weddings, fighting at funerals, fighting at birthday parties, fighting at christenings in St. Ignatiuos, fighting at engagement parties, fighting at Lilayi lodge, fighting at Manda Hill, fighting at Arcades, fighting at home, fighting and knitting. They soon realised that the favelas of Thorne Park were becoming a "dark environment" (if u kno warra mean?)so they moved to the peacefull suburbs of Makeni. Makeni is now affectionately called little Beirut (coz of all the lebs not the fighting ... YOU RACIST!!!!)

After being enlightened by a refreshing jet of monkey urine to the face,Zambia president Rupiah Banda realised the humble and glorious subjects of the People's Republic of Zambia needed cultural notoriety in order to have a chance of appearing on UK Border Force. He butuka'd over to Zambia culture minister, Diarrhoeanho, who is half brother of Brazil deposit Kaka. He then declared that all aspects of the Zambian culture should be derived from and dictated by the awesome pupils (pew pews) at Nkhwazi Primary School.

Gorjis protamintamin (mmmmmm dereeshas!)is the beverage of choice for the young ones. Gorjis pro pro poro polro porotamintamin's controversial marketing campaign swept the Zambian nation with the slogan "It makes children strong, happy and fairly drunk sometimes."

Chibuku is the 'go-to' drink of the adults and policemen who cannot afford slum beer. Slum beer is a high class beer and has often been called the Wine of Zambia (or Zam-Win). When they drink this, after a few sips they collapse and are taken home in a wheelbarrow by professioonal drunk-sweeps while listening to sweet kalindula music!

Bamba

History

After the invasion of Aliens in 1964, Zambians have evolved at an alarming rate. They now have powers to receive jealousy from Zimbabweans, induce crippling sexual arousal in Asian men and cause mass confusion amongst Europeans whilst making them shout "The Gambia?", "You mean Zanzibar?", "Is Zambia the capital of Zimbabwe?", "It's not called Zaire anymore it's the Congo now", "You're from Lusaka?In Japan?", "You Speak EEEnglish? Amazing!", "Zambia? Is that near Malaysia?", "Look honey it can do math!" and the most common "It's horrible what that Mugabe has done to your people isn't it?"

Thanks to Zambians, Earthicans can now "*Tell you mother, tell your brother, tell your sister, tell your uncle, tell your aunty that ShooooooooooooowKing is here ShowKing HEE HEE*"

Hip Hop was invented 200 years ago at the turn of the 19th century by a Zambian subculture bush boys also known as b-boys. In 1972 over 5,000 b-boys made pedal boats from fresh bamboo trees and made the brave trek across the Atlantic ocean to the Bronx NYC to escape the rising heat of Global Warming. The b-boys teamed up with the MCs and the DJs and thus began their mission to infiltrate the mainstream music industry with their catchy new blend of Jazz, R&B and rythmic poetry they called Hip Hop. Zambia is famous for its country being pwned. Makaradis own the whole world.

People

As is previously mentioned...the people of Zambia are ugly as fuck! Just look at the pikchas!

An average Zambian woman in hunter/gatherer attire

A Makaradi man wearing the makaradi symbol with pride

Umm... that's a zombie, not a Zambian

Statistics Yo

Here are some statty bojangles

Population

13 000 000 peeps, 75% of which are street kids , 10% are just normal kids and the remaining 15% are semi-naked, entertainers known as 'mad men', usually decked out in the lastest collection if Vivienne Westwood clothing a la B**ba of W**dl*nds s*p*rm*rk*t fame (Censored to protect the people of Zambia from Ghosts). R.I.P B**ba, I always fondly remember that time you tried to kill me with a car aerial.

Languages

English, Cantonese, Mandorin, Mandarin, Capatain Corellis' Mandolin, Bamba, Nyanja, Mugabese, Mutinta and Mulenga. Zambians also have a tendancy to sound Japanese and slightly 'special' at times.

                                     "I'm reestning ladio" = I'm listeneing to the radio
                   "I'm dleenking olenkie with burns,shurma and mit" = I'm drinking orange juice with beans,nsima and meat
                                     "u ken hurve this beat" = You can have this bit

Stuff

Schools, Hospitals and Shopping Malls exist. Yes, cars and good roads too...

Copper

A unit of Zambias main export, Koopa

Copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper copper cope cope cope copa copa copa kopa kopa kopa koopa koopa Koopa Oh no Mario watch out!

mmm Investment something something developing country...china disguising theft as building infrastructure blah blah poverty yada yada kanga bongoman.

Oh if only we had Diamonds...we'd be a girls best friend! HAHAHAHAHA!lol!ROTFLMAO! hehe get it?..... because diamonds are a girls best friend? hehe....anybody?....No? Yeah Well bleep you too!

Famous People

Robert Mugabe is from Zambia, although he remains too ashamed to admit it. In the 1960s, Mugabe emigrated to Mozambique, where AK-47s could be at least be purchased without import duties. He went on to become Rhodesia's new God after driving out the white man, but continues to rape Zambia as if he still owns the place.

CJ Ceej and ZJ Zeej are brothers from Zambia who emigrated to England using a pedalo to seek fame and fortune... they failed.

DJ Funky Fresh Cool names in likeness can be heard over songs on pirate cds. "This is a production by Dj Funky Fresh Coooool". Doing this is not cheesy at all.

"Freddie Mercury" of Queen fame. Real name Farrokh Bulsara form Kamwala, Lusaka Zambia NOT Zanzibar!!!!

Eric Cartman of South Park. The baddest Mofo alive mah niggah.

Words and phrases to remember when visiting Zambia

Mamamamamama! = expression of distaste, displeasure, pleasure and taste. "He said what? Mamamamama!", " Hehey, wait till your bali comes home.Mamamamamama!", "Mamamamama this is some tasty nsima", "Luke I am your Mamamamamama", "gaga ooh lala rara mamamamamama!"

Zona Bosses = used when hiding guilt or expressing disbelief to a superior. As shown below.

                        Superior: "So my precious silverware just grew legs and walked out?" 
                        You: "Zona bosses!"

Chikala = Sweetheart (a term of endearment used as a greeting among the young men in crowded market places, a great way to get acquainted with the locals)

Tuvi or Matuvi = Nice, often used with the prerequisite 'like' as in "Ooooh this food is so delicious, tastes like Matuvi" or "This perfume is absolutely devine, smells like tuvi".

Matako = Aura of spiritual divinity. When addressing someone directly you say "I can see you're Matako". You can also say "I appreciate the beauty of you're Matako so much!Can I kiss it?"

Ya Kumbuyo = to do a thorough job or to go about a job meticulously. "Let's do it ya Kumbuyo" or "Those policemen did it ya kumbuyo all night!"

Shula = to laugh. Can be used in a variety of ways e.g. "I just shula'd" , "I enjoyed it so much I shula'd all night" , "Mum, I met the most awesome man, for starters he has an amazing shula" , "A shula just came out of my mouth" , "I love being in her company, she Shulas all the time and makes me Sula alot"

Links 'n' shit

Countries of Africa