Copper

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Copper is used in some coins. The copper-colored coins signify denominations that have no value.

Copper is the seventh element on the periodic table. Unique among elements, copper is composed of a nucleus of 6 elements surrounded by a circle of lies. Copper has been used throughout history, from weapons of war to weapons of cooking, such as pots, pans, pot lids, pan lids, etc.

History[edit | edit source]

Copper was first discovered by rabid pygmies in the early 20th century. The pygmies were trying to build a low-yield atomic weapon, but they accidentally added an extra ingredient, "copper ore," named after its coppery color, and obtained copper instead. Some have tried to use copper as a nail file. Since this did not work, they instead tried to make a harder metal out of a concoction of old, used keyboard buttons. This became modern sandpaper.

Uses[edit | edit source]

Weaponry[edit | edit source]

Copper is the only thing more dangerous than Howard Stern. Copper weapons were directly responsible for the success of America during World War II, as the U.S. had a massive copper mine in Washington D.C.. An unfortunate side effect of this mine is that the entire U.S. East Coast now smells like fish, a smell referred to as The Seventh-Inning Stretch.

Copper is banned by all major governments because of its destructive effects. Merely owning a pound of copper can be considered a crime against humanity.

Cookware[edit | edit source]

Copper is great for stewing, braising, frying, or stir-frying fish, as the horrible stench produced by the copper-colored metal masks the fishy taste of the fish.

To denote losers[edit | edit source]

Copper medals are hung around the necks of people who probably really did a piss-poor job at something but still managed to come in third, often because no one good competed. These are called bronze medals, but they are merely old, dented copper pan lids, perhaps donated for recycling.

Coinage[edit | edit source]

Copper is also used in the minting of coins, such as the U.S. penny. All these copper coins represent an amount of money that is essentially zero. Copper coins have the following uses:

  • You can throw them on the pavement to identify old Jews, who are the only ones who will bend down to pick them up.
  • You can deposit them in bowls at the check-out line so that other shoppers can use them to pay their bill exactly, in case the cashier is a stickler.
  • People who don't understand what fuses do can insert a copper coin into a fuse box to get the lights back on.
  • You can make a wish and toss them into a fountain, to turn the water green.
  • You can insert them in a parking meter, toll basket, or vending machine to see if it mistakes them for something of value.

Most of these uses let you act as though you're unconcerned about money, as though you had a lot of it. Expressed in pennies, you probably do have.

 
Periodic Table of Elements:

 Make sure you memorize these for the test!

 
Alkali
 
Alkaline Earth
 
Transition
 
Basic
 
Semimetal
 
Nonmetal
 
Halogen
 
Snob Gas
 
Lanthanide
 
Actinide
 
Awesomnide
 
Unverifide
1H Hydrogen 2He Helium
3Li Lithium 4Be Beryllium 5B Boron 6C Carbon 7N Nitrogen 8O Oxygen 9F Fluorine 10Ne Neon
11Na Sodium 12 Mg Magnesium 13Al Aluminum 14 Si Silicon 15 P Phosphorus 16 S Sulfur 17Cl Chlorine 18Ar Argent
19 K Potassium 20 Ca Calcium 21Sc Scandinavium 22Ti Titanium 23 V Vanadium 24Cr Chromium 25 Mn Manganese 26Fe Iron 27 Co Cobalt 28Ni Nickel 29 Cu Copper 30 Zn Zinc 31 Ga Gallium 32 Ge Germanium 33 As Arsenic 34 Se Selenium 35 Br Bromine 36Kr Krypton
37 Rb Rubidium 38 Sr Strontium 39 Y Yttrium 40 Zr Zirconium 41 Nb Niobium 42 Mo Molybdenum 43 Tc Technetium 44 Ru Ruthenium 45 Rh Rhodium 46 Pd Palladium 47Ag Silver 48 Cd Cadmium 49In Indium 50Sn Tin 51 Sb Antimony 99Te Tedium 53 I Iodine 54Xe Xenon
55 Cs Caesium 56 Ba Barium 57-71 La-Lu Lanthanides 72 Hf Hafnium 73 Ta Tantalum 74 W Tungsten 75 Re Rhenium 76 Os Osmium 77 Ir Iridium 78Pt Platinum 79Au Gold 80Hg Mercury 81 Tl Thallium 82Pb Lead 83Bi Bismuth 84Po Polonium 85 At Astatine 86Rn Radon
87 Fr Francium 88 Ra Radium 89-103 Ac-Lr Actinides 104 Rf Rutherfordium 105 Db Dubnium 106 Sg Seaborgium 107 Bh Bohrium 108 Hs Hassium 109 Mt Meitnerium 110 Ds Darmstadtium 111 Uuu Unununium 112 Cn Copernicium 113 Nh Nihonium 114 Fl Flerovium 115 Mc Moscovium 116 Lv Livermorium 117 Ts Tennessine 118 Og Oganesson
119Un Uncyclopedium 120 Ub Unobtanium 121 Aeo Awesomnium 122Fa Fartium 123St Stalinium 124Ob Obamium 125Sl Stalloneium -1SuStupidium 1/5Bm Brucium 1/2*Ch Cheesium 3/4Pl Plotonium 4.5Op Opium Hu Homoerectium
57 La Lanthanum 58 Ce Cerium 59Pr Praseodymium 60 Nd Neodymium 61 Pm Pentium 62 Sm Samarium 63 Eu Europium 64 Gd Gadolinium 65 Tb Terbium 66 Dy Dysprosium 67 Ho Holmium 68 Er Erbium 69 Tm Thulium 70 Yb Ytterbium 71 Lu Lutetium
89 Ac Actinium 90 Th Thorium 91 Pa Protactinium 92U Uranium 93 Np Neptunium 94Pu Plutonium 95 Am Americium 96 Cm Curium 97 Bk Berkelium 98 Cf Californium 99 Es Einsteinium 100 Fm Fermium 101 Md Mendelevium 102 No Nobelium 103 Lr Lawrencium