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Bronze Age

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The Bronze Age is shown here in a happier era, when it wore its big bronze hat and bronze shirt and had many fans who had not yet heard of the dreaded steel

The Bronze Age, or as the French would say, Le Bronze Age, is a worldwide serial killer, most infamous for actions one hell of a long time ago. The Bronze Age has spent most of its adult life in prison, initially for offenses such as car theft, forgery and credit card fraud. The Bronze Age also worked for some time as a pimp.

In the late 1960s, The Bronze Age became the leader of a group of antiquarian eras known as "Bronanza" and masterminded several brutal murders, most notably that of Spartacus, who was eight and one-half months pregnant at the time and run through with a tarnished sword.

The Bronze Age was convicted of murder in what came to be known as the "Spartacus Said OUCH OUCH OUCH" case, named after the victim's final words, although The Bronze Age was not accused of committing the murders in person. The Bronze Age was only a tool. Nevertheless, the Bronze Age is serving a life sentence in California's Corcoran State Prison, and is up for parole long after the Bronze Age has been over. The Bronze Age has always maintained its innocence of the crimes.

Since the trial and conviction, The Bronze Age's name and image have been integrated into the world's pop culture generally as a symbol of ultimate metallic barbarism. This image has been used by many artists (mostly metallurgists).

Escape and Capture

the last known whereabouts of the Bronze Age

The Bronze Age escaped to Bronze Ranch, in California's Mojave Desert, the last hideout of the Bronze Age. The local county sheriff's department and National Park Service officers sought the Bronze Age on suspicion of trespassing, vandalism, and false and antiquated metallurgy. The authorities wanted to apprehend and prosecute the Bronze Age for bronzing road repair equipment in Death Valley National Park farther north, not knowing that they had a serial murderer historical era to deal with. The Bronze Age was ultimately discovered hiding beneath an electroplated sink in the Bronze Ranch bathroom urinal.

Report of the Psychiatrists

Despite the mixed metaphor of throwing the Bronze Age into a snake pit, the Bronze Age was sent to this mental hospital (built over an old silver mine) for a psychiatric assessment. Here the Bronze Age was roommates with other depressed eras, such as the Stone Age, which got the Bronze Age, well, stoned. The Ice Age was unusually warm toward both of them, which led to a problem with puddles. Many scientists have suggested sending Global Warming to the same institution.

The Bronze Age's prison and psychiatric reports show a consistent theme:

"The Bronze Age tries to give the impression of hardness although steel is actually harder ... the Bronze Age is full of self-pity, complaining that the Bronze Age is now 'over' ... marked degree of rejection, instability and psychic trauma ... constantly striving for status as a 'noted age' ... a fairly slick institutionalized era that has not given up in terms of securing some kind of love and affection from the rest of the world's historical eras ... dangerous ... should not be trusted across the street ... homosexual and assaultive tendencies ... safe only under supervision ... unpredictable ... in spite of the age of the Bronze Age, it is criminally sophisticated and grossly unsuited for retention in an open reformatory type institution with steel bars and steel walls ... a very difficult case and it is almost impossible to predict the future of The Bronze Age."

Philosophy of the Bronze Age

The Bronze Age has summed up its personal philosophy with the acronym BAM, meaning "Bronze Age Muddaffuga." Sharing concepts with Animism (that all metallic tools and the natural systems that support them are miracles and therefore deserving of respect and dignity), Buddhism (that there is only One Age), and other Spiritual movements, it could be said that the Bronze Age was possibly one of the first proponents of the "Me Generation." However, unlike these other movements, the Bronze Age's philosophy is militaristic, centering on swords and shields, and the use of violence is not only condoned, but emphasized, as long as it is done in the name of BAM!

Possible Motives

This is not from the Bronze Age, but it is a possible motive.

A large variety of motivations have been proposed for the erratic and criminal behavior which the Bronze Age continues to exhibit. Some of these motives are: 1. The Bronze Age is hostile towards a society that has adopted steel; the Bronze Age thus gets a "kick" out of death and control. During the trial, one witness commented that "the Bronze Age doesn't know about love... love is not its trip. Obsolete swords and helmets are its trip."

2. The Bronze Age has been rejected by the music industry and wants revenge.

3. The Bronze Age has hated Superman ever since he became The Man of Steel, going back on his earlier promise to become The Man of Bronze.

4. The Bronze Age has come to believe that Armageddon is imminent, in the form of global race war involving antique swords, and the Bronze Age believes it is destined to be the ultimate beneficiary.

5. Babies' shoes are bronzed and that's just too silly.

See also